


Beginning of the End

by ilovebisexualicons



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Bullying, Character Death, Eating Disorders, Gun Violence, Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-23
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2019-05-12 23:57:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 25
Words: 89,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14738216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilovebisexualicons/pseuds/ilovebisexualicons
Summary: The story on how Magnus' life became the Beginning of The End.Atelophobia; the fear of not being good enough.*Readers, please keep in mind this story involves mentions and descriptions of Rape, Bullying, Abuse, and other topics that could be sensitive for some to read. Keep note of the tags in this story, and if you approve and acknowledge what you're about to read, continue on. :)





	1. Chapter One- Atelophobia

**Atelophobia;** _the fear of not being good enough._

**“It doesn't happen all at once, you know? You lose a piece here. You lose a piece there. You slip stumble, and adjust your grip. A few more pieces fall. It happens so slowly, you don't even realize you're broken until you already are.”**

**‐Grace Durbin, Broken.**

‐

“Ugh, I just really fucking hate him!” complained Catarina while letting herself drop back onto his bed and spread into a starfish position. “He tells me he loves me and that I'm special, yet he's talking to like… 300 other girls!” She groans, rolling over so her face was planted in the sheets, “I'm always getting my heartbroken with these stupid shits making me fall for their dumbass.”

Magnus chuckled and nodded, “I think that the only way for you not to get your heart broken is to pretend that you don't have one,” he suggested. It was partly true, even if he meant it as a joke. Catarina hummed but rolled over, for the 3rd time in the last 30 minutes, so she was laying on her side.

“Is that what you do,” she asked, “Pretend you don't have a heart?”

He was taken back by the question that they ended up sitting in silence for a couple seconds before Magnus pulled himself together and put on a smile. “My dear, I don't need to pretend I don't have one when I honestly don't,” he joked. She rolled her eyes.

“You love your dick, don't you?” she teased. Magnus grabbed a pillow and smacked her with it lightly. “Oh wait, of course, you do. I don't know why I asked such a stupid question.”

Magnus jumped off his bed with a smile and walked over to his wardrobe, opening it up. “What do you think people will say to me when I go back to school?” asked Magnus. “You know, after the rumors, Camille made up and stuff.”

Cat bit her lip and sat in an upright position but shifted so that her back was pressed against the headboard of Magnus' king size bed, before sighing and shrugging. “I don't know, honestly. People have been coming up to me and telling me not to bother with you, but I never listen to them.”

The rumors Camille made about Magnus were since their breakup. The news had spread around like a wildfire at school and people immediately began making assumptions that Camille cheated ‐ which she did ‐ and she shut them down with a lie about Magnus supposedly cheating with some guy from a club.

“Maybe I just shouldn't go to school,” responded Magnus after turning to face her, “I could ask my mum if I could move and just say that I hate it it here?”

“You are not leaving me in that shithole,” said Cat with a small smile. Magnus rolled his eyes but knew that he couldn't, then. They had this rule where they couldn't leave each other in school. If one was off sick, the other was too. “And you can't leave Alec.”

Magnus sighed and bit hit lip. “He's my best friend, I'm sure he will understand.”

Cat stood up and walked over to him, “Magnus, you foot. In case you've forgotten, I'm also your best friend and I believe that moving school will 1) Only make you look guilty, even though you aren't, and 2) be a bad decision,” A smile crept on her face, “And you won't have the legendary me to be by your side.”

Magnus raised his eyebrows, “Ptf. Who says I need you?” Her mouth fell open, the sides slightly tilted upwards, as she took a step back and held out her hands.

“Damn, Bane. You're harsh. Maybe you don't have a heart after all,” Magnus chuckled but turned around to face the mountain of clothes in his wardrobe. He pushed a few hangers aside, “Sorry, my friend, but I need to get home. My vegetable pizza awaits.”

“See you at school. Bye,” they hugged with smiles before she turned and walked away. When the door closed, the smile faded and he closed the wardrobe doors. He walked slowly over to his bed and flopped onto it, his phone in his hand as he looked through some messages he received.

 **Ragnor:** _complaining about boys? when doesn't she_

 **Isabelle:** _the 2nd outfit!! u should def wear that to school tomor. cant wait to have u back in my math class so we can annoy the shit out of people!! Woooooopppp_

**Alexander <3:** _You have a lot of work to catch on. Half of the shit that we have learnt since you've been gone is what's going to be in the exams coming up in August._

Magnus sighed and let his head drop onto his pillows. He knew that by having time off school he will have to work extra hard but he wish he would've got told that the majority of work they'll be doing was going to fill up more than half the exam papers. He swiped left on Alec's name, quickly put in his passcode, and typed out a reply.

 **Magnus:** fml. Would u do the favour of killing me?

Alec was on his phone pretty much all the time, excluding time when he was with his family, and he loved talking to Magnus. Ergo, he always texted back immediately.

 **Alexander <3:** _No can do! I want to at least see you when I kill you._

 **Magnus:** _awhhh so sweet. Thank you, angel._

Magnus reached over and turned off his lamp while grabbing his iPhone charger and plugging in his phone ‐ which was currently on 7% ‐ before his phone vibrated, indicating a new message.

 **Alexander <3:** _You should get to sleep. Don't want sleeping beauty to be late on the first day, hmm?_

 **Magnus:** _darling it's 8pm. I don't need to get to sleep just yet._

 **Alexander <3:** _Well then at least pick out an outfit so you won't have to do it in the morning (which will result in you being late)_

 **Magnus:** _i have, don't worry. You sister helped me pick it out._

**Alexander <3:** _Okay. I'm sure it will be magnusificent_

**Magnus:** _oh god. what have my eyes just saw._

 **Alexander <3:** _Rude!_

 **Magnus:** _Goodnight, Alexander._

 **Alexander <3:**  _Goodnight, Mags._

Magnus put his phone onto his bedside table and let out a long deep sigh. He knew that he was falling for Alec, his best friend, and he hated it. The man was amazing and deserved the whole world and Magnus knew he was too broken for Alexander to like him back. Nobody could love him, let alone like him.

He guessed he just had to live knowing that.

**“Regardless relationships, I just have one rule: Give me the truth, however cold or cruel, or hard to hear it is. I would prefer to have my heart bled and broken if it means I can then move on, than waste a single moment of my time being fooled by a lie intended to preserve my feelings.”**

**‐ Beau Taplin //** _T r u t h_

  
When Magnus stepped into the school halls, he didn't know what would honestly happen. He could've gotten glares thrown his way, a punch, a kick, a slap, or he could've been ignored. Any one of them would've satisfied Camille. What he didn't expect or even think about, though, was an armful of Camille. He stood still awkwardly with his mouth slightly agape but he snapped it shut when she pulled back with a smile.

She linked their arms and turned herself around, walking beside Magnus. “Hello, Magnus! Long time no see, huh?” Magnus furrowed his eyebrows and turned his head in her direction slightly, but never said anything. She sighed, “What's wrong, Maggie?”

Magnus ripped his arm away from her and took a step back, “What do you want, Camille? You made yourself pretty clear that you didn't want to be seen around with me by the rumours you made up,” She chuckled and shook her head, the confused look falling from her face.

“Don't be silly, Magnus,” she laughed again, waving her hand in the air, “I still love you.”

Magnus took a step back in disgust. “You love me? Really?” asked Magnus. “I may be blind when it comes to relationships and seeing if people are cheating on you,” In the corner of his eye, he saw faces turn in their direction. “But I am not blind when people try to show fake emotions. I don't want you in my life anymore, Camille, so leave.”

Camille swallowed thickly but the determination on her face never faded away, “I never cheated on you dear, and I am not lying with my feelings. I do love you and-”

“Save your lies for somebody who cares, Camille!” he snapped, “I'm no fool. I saw you and Imasu making out behind the school. Don't try and act innocent when you're the guilty one in this relationship,” She tensed her jaw.

“What were you doing behind the school?” asked Camille. She never declined it, thought Magnus. He was glad that he saw the phones recording them both in the corner.

“I was meeting with Alec.”

“Well, you were clearly going to fuck his bones out of him and kiss him senseless because of the desperate little shit you are! I had a reason for cheating on you, and that's because I knew you were going to do it first! I didn't want my heart broken!” shouted Camille, taking a step back and her mouth falling open slightly as she realised what she just said.

“Why would I want to fuck Alec senseless? He's my best friend.”

“You're a greedy pig, loving both genders. You're only bisexual because you know you can't get women - I'm surprised that even men like you,” Magnus took a step back as tears formed in his eyes.

He took a deep breath to compose himself, “Fuck you,” he replied, before turning around and walking away in the opposite direction of where he was meant to be and quickly wiped away a stray tear that fell down. He felt a vibration in his pocket and he groaned, pulling out his phone.

 **Alexander <3:** _Magnus, where are you? Me and the rest of us are in the cafeteria where we planned to meet._

Magnus internally cursed himself for forgetting and quickly typed back a response.

 **Magnus:** _shit i forgot. On my way XX_

He slipped his phone into his pocket while speed walking to the cafeteria with a small smile playing on his lips. He hadn't seen Alec since he took the break off school, as surprising as that sounds. When he turned the corner and got close to the cafeteria, he quickly wiped under his eyes again before walking in.

Alec's back was to Magnus, and Magnus quickly put his fingers over his lips so he could sneak up on him. The group smiled but turned their attention back to Alec, but Simon blew the cover. “Magnus!” he yelled with a smile. Alec whirled around with wide eyes and saw the disappointed glare Magnus gave to Simon before he turned back to Alec.

“Magnus…” whispered Alec. Magnus grinned and ran forward, throwing himself on Alec and wrapping his legs around his waist. Alec laughed and spun them around while Magnus clung onto him. He put his head into Alec's neck but pulled back a couple seconds later with a bigger smile.

“Hello, Alexander,” replied Magnus. Alec's smile rose higher before his cheeks went slightly red as he remembered the situation they were in. Magnus looked over Alec's shoulder and saw the rest of them all staring at them with heart eyes while Izzy had her phone out, recording them. Magnus rolled his eyes but switched his gaze back to Alec.

“Are you going to stay on me forever or get off?” asked Alec. His eyes scanned over Magnus' face and his eyes showed a hint of concern, his smile dropping slightly. Magnus smiled and put his head down on Alec's shoulder.

“I'm gonna stay here,” whispered Magnus, closing his eyes. When he heard somebody clearing their throat in front of him, his eyes snapped open and he pulled from Alec's shoulder, “Right after I hug the group.”

Magnus jumped off Alec and walked over to Izzy immediately, pulling her into a hug. She smiled and wrapped her hands around him tighter. “You love him, don't you?” whispered Isabelle, low enough for only Magnus to hear. He pulled back with a smile and nodded. He then hugged Clary, Simon, and even Jace, before stepping back.

“I would love to talk to you all but-” said Magnus, but he cut off when he felt something hit his head. He furrowed his eyebrows and turned his head. He saw Sebastian and Jonathan standing here with a smug expression, glancing at him every once and awhile. He bent down and picked up the scrunched up piece of paper before unravelling it,

'Don't touch Isabelle and Clary. We don't want to see they getting abused too.

Magnus scoffed and turned to them, sticking up both of his middle fingers. “Fuck off, reatards. Wouldn't want daddy to know what you were writing, would you?” Magnus felt a hand on his shoulder and instantly calmed down, turning around. He saw all the concerned expressions on their faces but gave them a smile, “Don't worry, I'm okay.”

“Are you sure?” asked Alec.

Magnus nodded and offered him a fake smile, waving it off. “Yeah,” he said. He looked over his shoulder at Sebastian and Jonathan before turning back. “I'll see you guys in the second period,” He waved at them before walking off, his smile dropping slightly. He heard Sebastian and Jonathan chuckle beside him but walked past them, sticking up his middle finger above his head when he knew they were looking. Although he didn't show it, his heart was slowly snapping inside of his body.

**He wished it wasn't.**

**“I like to be to be left alone, but when people don't notice I'm absent**  
**It hurts.**  
**And I know it's my own fault for becoming invisible, for isolating myself**  
**But just this once I want somebody to notice.**  
**To truly notice and care”**

**- _Unknown_.**

“I swear, he's playing with my emotions,” said Cat from beside him as they walked slowly to Magnus' locker. Magnus chuckled and shook his head. “It's like… Psychological horror!”

“Him playing with your emotions is nothing like psychological horror, my dear,” replied Magnus, shaking his head while laughter still bubbled out of him, “He's just leading you on, and your naive self-” He chuckled slightly when he got a light slap on the shoulder, “- doesn't realize it.”

“Oh, I'm sorry boy-who-is-in-love-with-my-best-friend-but-doesn't-know-it-yet,” said Catarina while putting on a deep voice. Magnus sighed and rolled his eyes at her, ignoring the comment. “Oh, c'mon, Magnus. I may be 10x dumber than you but I'm not oblivious.”

“For the love of God, I'm not in love with Alec,” said Magnus, throwing his hands up in the air. They came to a halt at Magnus' locker and he put in his pin 120900 (Alec's birthday - 12th sept 2000)

Catarina giggled, “You're not in love with him yet your pin for your locker is his birthday?” asked Cat. She pulled out his phone and put in the same numbers, unlocking the phone, and turning it to him with raised eyebrows and a slight smile. Magnus stared at her innocently and shrugged, throwing his hands up in the air.

“His birthday is easy to remember!”

“I've known you longer and you can't even remember my birthday!” screamed Cat in a nice way. Magnus chuckled but nodded. It was true. He didn't really know anybody's birthday, besides Alec, until the birthday cake emoji popped up next to their names on snapchat.

“Whatever, Cat,” replied Magnus. He opened his locker up and furrowed his eyebrows. Inside, there was a single letter sealed with an envelope. Catarina poked her head inside and grabbed it out, opening it up. Her eyes went wide and she scrunched the paper up, swallowing thickly. “Cat, give it to me.”

“I can't… I'm sorry, Magnus.”

“Cat please, just pass it to me.”

“No, I told you I can't-”

“Just give it!” Catarina took a moment thought before sighed and passing it over with shaky hands. He unraveled the paper and bit his lips with teary eyes when he saw what was written inside of it.

'You're an abomination just like your father said.'

Magnus swallowed thickly and folded the paper up, stuffing it into his pocket where the other piece of paper was. “Magnus, I'm so sorry… This is because of Camille and I swear I will stop these-” Magnus slammed his locker shut as a couple tears fell onto his cheek and he walked away at the second the bell went.

Doors opened around him and students emerged but when he looked to his right, his eyes were only trained on one person. Jonathan Morgenstern. Out of Jonathan and Sebastian, Jonathan was definitely the worst. Magnus knew that if Sebastian wasn't hypnotised by Jonathan then he would probably be a decent person once you get to know him, but Jonathan? He was just pure evil.

Jonathan, sensing someone watching him, turned his head in the direction of Magnus with a smirk. Magnus tensed his jaw but turned away when he felt more tears rising. He faintly heard his name being called, but he ignored it and pushed open the school doors, leaving the building.

**“You are waiting for someone who is not coming back.**  
**Meaning,**  
**You are living your life hoping that someone will realize**  
**They can't live their without you”**

**- _Realizations don't work like that_**

When Magnus woke up from a loud voice screaming in his ear, he groaned and rolled over, putting a stray pillow on top of his ears. His eyes were sore and his arms ached from being in a weird position for 3 hours straight and the last thing he needed right now was a headache but, unfortunately, he couldn't get that. The hand ripped off the pillow from his head, “Magnus Bane, you answer me right this instant!” His mother.

He groaned, knowing this was about skipping school. “I'm sorry, Mom.”

“Sorry won't get your grades up, Magnus! You went back to school for the soul purpose of learning and getting back the education you lost for being away for so long, and you walk out on 3rd period?!” He sat in an upright position and rubbed his eyes.

(mom)  
“ _Mama_ , I'm sorry!”

“What's your excuse this time, huh? The girl you asked out said no?” Magnus furrowed his eyebrows and scoffed in disbelief, shaking his head. “Alec wasn't there? Catarina stepped on your shoe?”

“ _Mama_ , just listen to me!”

(what!)  
“ _APA_!”

“People were being harsh about the rumors and bringing things back up that I want to forget!” screamed Magnus. His mother stayed still as she swallowed thickly and after a minute of complete silence, she held her finger up in the air.

(i don't want to see you for the rest of the night.)  
_“Saya tidak ingin melihat Anda untuk sisa malam itu._ ”

“ _Mama_ -”

(silent!)  
“ _Diam_!” Magnus swallowed thickly and looked down when she turned around and walked out of the room. She slammed the door shut behind her with force, shaking the walls and making him flinch. He reached out and grabbed his phone and looked through the missed messages,

 **Catarina X:** _I'm sorry about today Magnus. Don't let the words get to you alright, hun?_  
**Magnus:** _it's alright. I'm fine_

 **Isabelle:** _Where were you in math? I thought we were going to annoy people :((_  
**Magnus:** _I'm sorry, dear, something came up. Tomorrow? X_

 **Jace:** _Why did you walk out of school?_  
**Magnus:** _Don't worry about it. It's all good now_

 **Simon:** _You okay?_  
**Magnus:** _I'm fine, thanks. How about you, sherman?_

 **Alexander <3:** _Hey, Mags?_  
**Magnus:** Yes?  
**Alexander <3:** _I love you._  
**Magnus:** _I love you too_

Magnus curled down into the sheets and stared blankly at the colorful and picture filled wall in front of him while all of his emotions came rushing back to him, making his bottom lip tremble. He pulled his covers up to his mouth to cover the noise of his sobs and let tears drop onto the soon to be damp sheet.

He hasn't cried in a long time.

He's let a few tears fall here and there at times, but never fully sobbed his heart out like he was doing not. The last time he cried was the night his father found out that Magnus wasn't child and instead was a rapist's child.

**

_(what's wrong, mommy?)_  
_“Ada apa, mama?” asked younger Magnus as he pulled on the sleeve of his mother. She looked down at his with a slight smile as another tear dropped. Magnus' tiny hands reached up and wiped it away with a pout. “Mama?”_

_(don't worry about me, Magnus.)_  
_“Jangan khawatir tentang aku, Magnus,” she responded with a smile. “saya baik-baik saja,” Magnus nodded as a grin spread on his face. A second later, the door slammed open and his father walked in with a beer bottle in his hand as he swayed on his feet a little. His mother jumped up and pushed Magnus to the side of the chair, covering him._

_(hello, sexy.)_  
_“Halo, seksi,” said his stepfather with a smile as he looked his mother up and down. His mother cleared her throat and gestured her to the couch with her hand._

_(sit, dear. I have something I need to tell you,)_  
_“Duduklah, sayang. Saya punya sesuatu yang perlu saya sampaikan, kepada Anda,” his father furrowed his eyebrows but followed her command, anyways, and sat down on the sofa, stretching himself out. His mother sat down next to him and Magnus could see her trembling._

_(what?)_  
_“Apa?” asked his father when she said nothing. She took a deep breath._

_“Anda selalu bertanya-tanya mengapa Magnus tidak pernah terlihat seperti Anda dan itu karena ... Dia bukan anak Anda,”_

_He heard nothing but silence for the next couple of seconds, and by not being able to see what was happened, he guessed that he just stood up and left. He himself was shocked but it didn't really matter to him. A couple seconds later of awkward silence, the sound of a heartbreaking scream and glass shattering everywhere was heard. He flinched and ducked down, putting his hands over his head._

_(You slut! I should've known what I was getting myself into when I met you. You're nothing but a cheating whore!)_  
_“Anda pelacur! Seharusnya aku tahu apa yang aku hadapi ketika bertemu denganmu. Anda bukan apa-apa selain pelacur yang curang!” A thump was heard with sobs and Magnus crawled out from behind the sofa and into sight. His father's eyes immediately locked with his and Magnus saw the rage in them. “Kamu!” (You!)_

_He ran forward and grabbed Magnus by the hair, dragging him out into the pouring rain as Magnus screamed and hit his hands on his stepfather's hands but he wouldn't budge. Magnus sobbed and closed his eyes to stop the tears, but when he opened them, his head was under water._

_He kicked and hit and punched at the man as hard as he could, but he wouldn't budge._

_He was going to die by his father's hand._

_When Magnus saw black spots forming in his eyesight, he got pulled out of the water and he immediately began crawling backward. His back hit a tree and he let himself drop it with his eyes squeezed shut. When he opened them, he saw his father laying on the floor and his mother running over to him with bloody hands. “Apakah ayah meninggal?” (Is papa dead?)_

_(no, sweetheart)_  
_“Tidak, sayang,” said his mother. She ran into the house and put him on the chair where he sobbed his heart out. He was there for around 10 minutes before his mother came back down with 2 big bags stuffed to the rim. She grabbed his hand and they walked out of the house and to a bus stop._

_When they were on the bus, going to an unknown location, Magnus turned to his mother, “Apa yang terjadi pada ayah, ibu?” (What happened to papa, mama?) Her head turned towards him and she shook her head with a small smile._

_(don't worry, Magnus. everything is fine.)_  
_“Jangan khawatir, Magnus. Semuanya baik-baik saja,” she replied, as a tear rolled down both their faces. That night in a hotel room, they both cried their hearts out until they were emotionally drained. From exhaustion and from heartbreak._

_**_

Magnus tossed and turned in his covers the whole night from the dreams from his past, the argument with his mother, the picking on, and the hungriness from not eating all day. The only thing that got him to sleep that night was the thought of Alexander, his best friend and the light at the end of the dark, dangerous tunnel.

**“People think I'm lying about being hurt because they see me laughing. But actually, I'm laughing to keep myself from crying.”**

**- _Anonymous_**


	2. Chapter Two- Athazagoraphobia

**Athazagoraphobia:** _The fear of being replaced and/or forgotten._

**“Have you ever just sat with your friends and just known that you were the least important friend in the group and felt like it wouldn't make a difference if you were there or not?”**

**\- Unknown.**

On the cafeteria table, Magnus couldn't help but feel alone. It was the day after his argument with his mother, and somehow, the argument triggered something inside of him that always made him feel as though he wasn't loved. Of course, when Magnus woke up this morning, his mother acted as though nothing happened last night, but something did happen.

Something that has made his heart shrink a little.

He remembered the last time he had this feeling, and he absolutely hated it. When he was out with friends, he felt as though he was alone even though people were around him physically. When somebody didn't text back for over an hour, he thought that they hated him. When he was daydreaming in class, he thought that the way things were at the current time would be exactly the same if he wasn't there - if he disappeared.

He hated that time and when they were finally gone, he was the happiest he has ever been in his entire life.

Magnus could smile without having to force it on. He could laugh without forcing it out. He could be relaxed if somebody didn't text him back for more than one hour. And, most importantly, he knew that things wouldn't be the same if he was gone. People, not everybody, would be sad.

He snapped out of his thought when he felt a tap on his right shoulder and turned his head in the direction and saw Isabelle. Her phone was up and on it was a collage of dresses. She smiled at him when Magnus looked her in the eye. “Which one looks better? 1,2, or 3?” Magnus looked back at the dresses.

After a second or two, he said, “2.” Izzy 'whooped' and threw her hands up in the air. Magnus forced out a laugh before moving his head back down with his smile dropping immediately. He faintly heard the chatter die down slightly, but he didn't really care enough to pay attention.

“Magnus, don't say anything if you love Alec,” said Isabelle, and Magnus looked up. He swallowed thickly and turned to face Alec with a slight smile.

“Of course I love Alec,” said Magnus. “He's my best friend.” Alec gave him a smile back and blew a fake kiss which Magnus caught with a genuine chuckle. He loved that Alec could do that even by doing the stupidest things. “Careful there, Alec, you're going to make me swoon.”

“Just by blowing you a kiss?” asked Alec in a teasing voice. Magnus realized that the rest of the table had gone silent while they watched the scene of the two in front of them.

“Just by blowing me a kiss,” repeated Magnus. Alec's grin widened and he got up from across the table, walking over to Magnus and pressing a kiss to his cheek. Magnus may not have been showing it, but he felt like his heart was about to burst out from excitement. “I've swooned.”

“Is that even a word?” asked Alec. As he sat down in his seat, Magnus got up and rounded the table and sat down on his lap. It seemed sexual, but they had done this a thousand times. Magnus wrapped his left arm around Alec's waist and leaned his temple against Alec's shoulder. The height difference didn't make it uncomfortable, luckily.

Magnus hummed, closing his eyes. Alec wrapped his right arm around Magnus' waist. “It is now.”

“Of course it is.”

Magnus could practically hear the eye roll in his voice. Magnus opened his eyes and sat up, raising his eyebrows at Alec. “Did you just roll your eyebrows at me?” Alec's lips turned up in a small smile and Magnus fake gasped, getting of Alec and putting a hand on his chest. “That's it. Cuddle privileges are gone.”

“Cuddle privileges?” asked Jace. Magnus turned his gaze to him and gave him a tight smile. The two of them had never really liked each other, and that was bad considering they were both Alec's best friends.

“Yes, cuddle privileges. You would know if you finally got into a relationship,” joked Magnus, before he sat down in his regular spot. Jace just rolled his eyes and started a convocation with Alec, who, ultimately forgot about what just happened. In that moment, Magnus knew Alec didn't love him back, and that made his heart ache slightly.

When Magnus lowered down to grab his bag, he felt a small ball hit his arm and fell onto the floor. He looked up and saw Sebastian and Jonathan chuckling while looking at him, and Magnus rolled his eyes. He picked up the paper ball and unscrambled it.

“You dirty little slut.”

Magnus stuffed the paper into his pocket and ignored them, putting his head on the table and just listening to the convocations happening around him, which, nobody included him in. In that time, he felt 3 other paper balls hit him, and when another came, he sighed and picked them all up.

_“You don't deserve a life”_

_“Fag”_

_“You're a greedy pig who gets no pussy.”_

_“You're an abomination, just like your father said.”_

Magnus gasped at that and snapped his head up to them. How did they know about his past? He felt the rage fly through him and he stood up, walking over to them. “If you have something to say to me, say it to my face instead of throwing crappy little paper balls at me, you dickheads!” yelled Magnus, and the cafeteria room went silent. Jonathan chuckled and stood up.

“Don't test me, Bane. I know things about you and your past.”

“And I know things about your past, Morgenstern.” snarled Magnus. Jonathan took a step forward, coming closer to Magnus' face as he gritted his teeth at him.

“Oh, really? Like what?” asked Jonathan with a smirk. “I have nothing to hide.”

Magnus paused as smirk now rose on his face. “Why'd you rape your cousin?” asked Magnus, and when he did, he saw Jonathan's face pale immensely. The gasps around him certainly caught Jonathan's attention. Magnus took a step back and tilted his head to the right, “Why haven't you told anybody that you've sucked a dick?”

“I'm not a faggot like you, dickhead.”

“You know, I've always wondered why you and Sebastian got so close so suddenly,” said Magnus. He knew he was pushing the line, but he couldn't help it. He had been waiting for this moment to come as sick as that sounds. “I guess I know why now.” That made Jonathan go insane as he rushed forward and rugby tackles Magnus. Magnus' head hit the back of his cafeteria table and he groaned in pain, putting a hand on it.

“Fuck you, Bane! You just wait and see what's coming your way,” threatened Jonathan as he got off Magnus and walked away with Sebastian following him. He immediately felt a presence beside him but he ignored them, and whatever they were saying, and closed his eyes.

“Magnus? Magnus?” asked Alec. His voice was beginning to come fuzzy and Magnus hoped that he wouldn't pass out. He didn't want to explain that to his mother. “Magnus? Are you okay? Why aren't you answering me? Should I take you to the school nurse? Should I call your mum?!”

“No! No, I'm… I'm fine.” said Magnus. He opened his eyes and stood up on shaky legs, grabbing his bag and putting is on his back. Alec furrowed his eyebrows at the quick response but let it pass. It was only now that Magnus realized the people around them had gotten back to what they were doing.

“Are... Are you sure?”

“Alec! Dude, come check this out!” yelled Jace as he looked at something on his phone. Alec immediately walked off and towards Jace and Magnus furrowed his eyebrows. Isabelle and Clary stared at Magnus as his heart broke slightly. Magnus swallowed thickly and looked down before turning and walking off and up to the boys' middle floor bathroom.

And in the time he was gone, Alec never even knew about Magnus not being there until the end of lunch.

**“No, it's okay. Go and hang out with your new friend. The one who's so much more fun to hang around- The one you left me for… It's not like I mind being replaced.”**

**- _Unknown_**

“Stop killing me, Simon, you asshole!” yelled Clary as she moved her fingers rapidly on the controller in her hand. Simon chuckled beside her but, whenever she respawned, she was always killed. “Simon!” She grabbed the pillow to her left and whacked it hard on him a couple times before he put his hands up, breathing heavily from laughing.

“I surrender! I surrender!” said Simon. Clary smiled but logged off the game anyways and she and Simon sat back on the couch next to Isabelle. To Magnus' right was Jace and Alec who seemed to be lost in their own convocation, and to his left was the rest of them. “Does anyone want nachos?”

Magnus put his hand up, but Jace yelled “Me!” and Simon threw them to him followed by the dip. Magnus lowered his hand with a sigh and brought his legs up to his chest before wrapping his arms around them so they stayed in space. As he stared off into the distance, he couldn't help but think what was wrong with him.

Why wasn't anybody talking to him? Was he too annoying for Isabelle? Was he too ugly looking for Jace? Was he too dumb for Simon? Was he too boring for Clary? Was he too forward with Alec? Did he let Alec know, unconsciously, that he's in love with him?

“Who wants to play just dance?” asked Clary. Everybody in the room cheered and stood up from their seats except Magnus. “Okay, we have to go in pairs.” Isabelle looked around and realized Magnus sat down and excused herself from the game. “Simon and Clary verses Alec and Jace. Bring it on, losers!”

Isabelle sat down next to Magnus and put a hand on his knee. “What's wrong?” asked Isabelle. He turned to face her a gave her a small smile but shook his head.

“Nothing's wrong.”

Isabelle rolled her eyes and crossed her legs on the couch next to him. “Don't play dumb, Magnus. I know when you're upset,” she explained. Magnus said nothing but looked up at Alec who was crying with laughter as he looked at Jace attempting to follow the dance moves. She followed his gaze and her eyes turned sad. “You feel replaced, huh?”

“Shouldn't I?” asked Magnus, turning to face her. “He replaced me. With Jace of all people.”

Isabelle sighed and nodded, “I get what you mean. Alec, he… He's got a crush on the guy or something,” Magnus felt his heart die and he furrowed his eyebrows.

“What? I thought Alec didn't like anybody…”

“Nope. He's had a crush on Jace ever since the day he found out he was gay, I'm pretty sure,” Magnus swallowed thickly and blinked the tears away fast. “It's kinda sad, really. He's so hung up on a straight guy who will never love him.” Magnus nodded and pushed himself off the couch.

“I'm gonna go,” said Magnus, walking over to grab his shoes.

“What?” asked Simon, breaking away from the game. “Why are you leaving? I thought you were staying over tonight…” When Magnus turned around, he saw that everybody was looking at him, and he purposely ignored Alec's eyes. If he looked into them, he was afraid he might cry.

Tears came into Magnus' eyes and he turned away, “You guys have fun,” Magnus grabbed his bag from the couch and when he looked at Izzy, he saw nothing but pity in her eyes. She stood up from the couch and walked over to him.

“You love Alec, don't you?” she whispered in his ear. She pulled back and Magnus gave a nod before turning and walking out of the door and on his way home.

  
**“You know; the worst kind of lonely is not when you're alone. It's when you're right next to them, and emotionally, there's no one there.”**

**- _Unknown_.**

**Alexander <3:** _What's wrong?_  
**Alexander <3:** _You okay?_  
**Alexander <3:** _You can always talk to me whenever you need someone, Magnus._  
**Alexander <3:** _I'll always be there with you_  
**Magnus:** _thank you darling :) xx_

Magnus smiled at the messages with sleepy eyes and rolled over on his bed so his back was facing the now abandoned phone. His alarm clock was beeping 4:29 am in bright red, and Magnus had to squint his eyes just to be able to see it. When a flash of lightning shone outside his bedroom window, he switched his gaze to it and smiled.

He always loved thunderstorms. They made him calm and peaceful and happy.

He rolled back over to his phone and picked it up, pulling the charger out of the hole and shifting so that his back was against the mattress. He pressed his messages and realized that he had a lot more messages than he thought he did.

 **Isabelle:** _It's okay to love him, Magnus._  
**Isabelle:** _I'm sorry I told you about his crush on Jace. I wasn't sure if you liked him or not._  
**Isabelle:** _But he does like you. Everybody at the table can tell when you two are playing around._  
**Magnus:** _He doesn't like me, Isabelle. Not like that, anyway._

 **Simon:** _Hope you're okay!!! We aren't having fun without you here :(_  
**Magnus:** _awe. Thank you, Seman._

Magnus chuckled to himself at the name. He knew his name was Simon, but he was so easy to annoy, and he loved it.

 **Jace:** _Alec looks miserable without you here_  
_Jace sent a picture in chat!_  
**Magnus:** _Tell Alexander to smillleleeeee because I love him very much_

 **Clary:** _Alec doesn't love Jace. Nor like him. Not in that way, anyways._  
**Clary:** _He looks at you like you hold the moon._  
**Clary:** _He loves you. And I don't know why he's been around Jace so much recently, but, he doesn't love Jace. I promise._  
**Clary:** _Oh, and don't blame Isabelle for telling me. I overheard it when she whispered to you._  
**Magnus** : _Don't worry, dear. I'm not affected by you knowing. I trust you with my life :)_  
**Magnus** : _And for the Alec situation… He doesn't love me, but thank you for trying to convince me otherwise :)_

Magnus turned his phone back off and stared at the window hearing the sounds of the thunderstorms and the faint music in the background from his phone,

_The heart wants what it wants._

**“Being lonely doesn't mean you don't have somebody next to you. It means feeling sad at night and realizing you can't talk to anybody without having the constant fear of disturbing them.**  
**It's being surrounded in a sea of people and feeling like you don't even belong with them, or anywhere in the world.**  
**Being lonely doesn't mean you don't have somebody next to you.”**

“Magnus loves Alec, doesn't he?” asked Clary in a whisper as she sat next to Isabelle. Isabelle turned her head to him, her eyes widened slightly before a small smile appeared on her mouth and she nodded. “Is that why he left? Because he knew he loved him?”

Isabelle looked ahead at Alec, Jace, and Simon all playing a game on their phones and as her eyes landed on Alec, she saw the slump in his shoulders and the miserable look on his face. “No,” responded Isabelle, simply. “He left because I was dumb and said that Alec had a crush on Jace.”

“You believed that?” Isabelle nodded slightly, “Why?”

She shrugged and sighed, still looking at her brother. “I don't know. I see the way they look at each other when they act like a couple and I can see Alec loves him, but, he had been going off with Jace lately and I thought that, maybe, his feelings had… subsided.”

Clary nodded, “I get why you would think that” Clary turned to face Alec who was now looking at his phone with a smile, and a couple seconds later, Isabelle and Clary got a text. They opened it and saw it was from Magnus and looked back over to Alec, realizing what this meant. “But, I know that Alec will always love Magnus, no matter what.”

Isabelle turned to Clary and smiled, giving her a nod. “Alec?” said Jace. Alec turned to face him. “Magnus said to smile because he loves you,” A smile rose on his face and Jace quickly snapped a picture with a grin. “You're so whipped.”

“What?” asked Alec, his straight face coming back. Simon turned his head to Alec and chuckled.

“You love him, dude. None of us here are dumb,” said Simon. Alec's cheeks flushed red, “We aren't going to judge you or tell him, Alec. Don't worry,” Simon rolled his eyes, “But he does love you back.”

“He doesn't.”

“He does.”

“He doesn't!”

“He does! Don't even-”

“I'm going to sleep. Goodnight, losers,” said Alec as he stood up and went to sit down where his sleeping bag was and immediately going on his phone.

 **Alexander <3:** _You're welcome :) But why are you up so late? Shouldn't you be getting your beauty sleep?_  
**Magnus:** _I wish I was but I, unfortunately, woke up._  
**Magnus:** _It's weird not having you by my side on a Tuesday night._  
**Alexander <3:** _Then come back._  
**Magnus:** _OK. I will._

Alec's smile widened and he almost squealed with excitement. Magnus was coming back just to sleep next to him.

 **Magnus:** _If I am not there in 20 minutes I have either been stabbed, kidnapped, or told off by my mother. See you soon, love!! Xox_  
**Alexander <3:** _See you soon :) xxx_

Alec smiled and stared at the messages for a couple seconds before changing Magnus' name.

**'Magnus XOX'**

**“The worst feeling isn't being lonely. It's being forgotten by someone you would never forget.”**

(the next day)

When Magnus stepped foot into the cafeteria, he was expecting to see his friends there, but he didn't. He furrowed his eyebrows and pulled out his phone while leaning against the nearest wall.

 **Magnus:** _Where are you guys? Why aren't you in the cafeteria?_  
**Alexander <3:** _None of us went to school today. Thought Jace told you. Sorry._

Magnus swallowed thickly and nodded, putting the phone into his pocket without replying. Of course, Jace wouldn't tell him. Jace, the one that Alec has to fucking love. He groaned in frustration and walked over to Catarina who was, luckily, was only a couple tables to the right. She was sat on it with Ragnor, Will, and Jem. He walked over and tapped on her shoulder with a slight smile.

“Do you mind if I hang with you guys, today?” asked Magnus. Catarina shook her head with a smile and Magnus sat down next to Ragnor. For the whole time, none of them spoke to Magnus. They continued on their convocations at break and lunch without including Magnus once.

He didn't really know what he had done wrong.

-

When Magnus went home, he immediately took out his phone and texted Isabelle.

 **Magnus:** _Why did nobody tell me that you were having the day off and why is Alec in a_ _mood with me????_  
**Isabelle:** I'm _sorry, Magnus. We told Jace to message you but apparently, he didn't._  
**Magnus:** _Why is Alec mad at me?_

Isabelle never responded. And later that night, when he was laying in bed with 'Flight from the City' playing in his headphones, he could help but feel the loneliness bubble inside of his stomach, and suddenly, thoughts came. He swallowed thickly and closed his eyes as a tear fell, sliding down the side of his face and hitting his sheets as he thought,

_Is this what life would be like without me in it? Nobody would care, nobody would think about him, and nobody would even realize that he's gone, because he was never there. He was just this invisible, greedy, ugly abomination._

**“He was tired.**  
**Physically and mentally.**  
**He wanted to close his eyes and never wake up again.”**  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't like how this turned out :(  
> Magnus and the group will all be fine in next chapter. They were all just having a rough day.


	3. Chapter Three- Atelophobia

**Atelophobia;** _the fear of being imperfect._

**“I don't think I'm beautiful. At times, I think I look okay, but all it takes is one bad picture of me, seeing other gorgeous boys and girls, people pointing out my flaws & I start feeling horrible about myself. I try not to let people's opinions affect the way I see myself but sometimes it's so hard. People tell me I'm perfect, gorgeous, beautiful, but they don't see what I see. I just don't see myself being good enough.”**

Magnus couldn't believe that it was the first time thinking about how to be perfect after everything he has been through throughout the years. He has grown up believing that there was no such thing as perfect in the world, but in recent years, he had been proven wrong.

If you just looked around, you could be able to tell if somebody is perfect.

They need to have nice hair, straight white teeth, a beautiful figure, a thigh gap, good skin, no stomach, big butts, and a great personality. Well, the personality didn't really matter much to anybody, because the perfect people never have an amazing personality. If they did, it would make them even more perfect, but they were rare.

Magnus… he was certainly far from perfect.

He didn't have amazing hair, straight white teeth, a beautiful figure, a thigh gap, good skin, no stomach, big butt, and a great personality. In fact, it was all the opposite. His hair was horrible, his teeth weren't straight nor white, he was fat, he had little bits of acne around his face, a big stomach, and a relatively good personality. It wasn't great, though. That was what it needed to be.  
  
Magnus looked up from his hands which were placed in his lap and turned to face the rest of the table, “Who do you think is perfect in this school?” asked Magnus.

“Isabelle, of course,” said Clary from beside him. “She has a great family, good personality, she's fucking hot as hell, got boys coming left, right and center for her, and she's got a good education,” Isabelle smiled and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you darling,” she said, “But I think Alec is,” Alec furrowed his eyebrows, “You have a great little sister, you're good-looking, girls think you're hot and think they can turn your straight, and you're personality is great,” Magnus nodded at that; Alec was perfect. He always has been.

“How does someone even… be perfect?” asked Simon.

“You just have to look good, honestly,” said Isabelle. Well, I'm off the table, thought Magnus. “Makeup, good clothes, smell good, shave, you're perfect!” she exclaimed. Simon rolled his eyes but shook his head.

“You can't just look at someone and think that they're perfect,” he said, “You have to know their backstory, their past, their reputation for things. Someone can look good but they could have the worst past of reputation for doing things. So, no, you can't just look at someone and think 'Oh my gosh, their perfect because they have nice hair and they smell good!' You have to know pretty much everything about them to even start to think that they're perfect,” The table went silent but Magnus could onto replay the words in his head.

_You have to know their backstory,_

_Their past,_

_Their reputation for things._

Magnus swallowed thickly and looked down. How was he ever meant to even be considered perfect when he had the worst history in the world? He slouched down and sighed, looking down at his fingers and playing with his rings. “I think Magnus is perfect.”

Magnus' head snapped up and he looked to his right to see Alec already staring at him. “You do?” Alec smiled and nodded. It was only now that they both noticed how close they were; Their shoulders, sides, thighs, and knees were touching.

“Yeah, of course, I do,” he said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, even when it wasn't.

“Why?”

“Because you're funny, you're smart, you're talented and creative. You fight for what's right in the world and help other people when they feel down, even when you're feeling that yourself. You push your feelings aside just to help someone,” he said, Everybody on the table stared at him in awe, “You've got a beautiful smile, a beautiful laugh, a beautiful everything,” Magnus was sure he had tears in his eyes. “You don't have a great past or reputation for everything, but nobody does. You've made mistakes, like everybody else, and you reflected on those and you're a better person now and I think that's amazing,” he paused, “And you have a great best friend,” He winked.

Magnus chuckled, and when he calmed down, everyone was still silent. “I love you, Alexander.”

“I love you too, Magnus. Always,” You don't love me the way I love you, though.

Magnus put his head on Alec's shoulder and grabbed Alec's hand, playing with his fingers and everyone in awhile he slid one of his rings onto his. He wished he could believe what Alec said, but he couldn't. Something in his mind and in his heart was blocking him to do it, and he hated it.

Why couldn't he just believe he was perfect?

“I'm sorry for being mad yesterday,” whispered Alec. Magnus sighed and kept one of his rings placed on Alec's fingers. “I was just pissed because my mum and dad weren't coming home for another week or two, and I was just mad that they lied. I'm sorry for taking it out on you and being rude.”

Magnus smiled and linked their hands together, “It's okay, Alexander. I know you didn't mean it,” he felt Alec smile against his head and he squeezed their joined hands. “I'm sorry for not coming over when I said I was. I ended up falling asleep while I was packing my bag.”

Alec chuckled and nodded, “It's fine. Do you want to sleep over mine tonight? Just the two of us?” Magnus took his head off Alec's shoulder with a smile and kissed his cheek.

“I'd love that.”

**“I was called fat and ugly in the press almost my entire life. I understand that being judged by others comes with the territory, but it broke my heart and ruined my self-esteem.”**

**- _Kelly Osbourne_**

“I'm bad at singing!” yelled Magnus as he tried pulling his hand back from Alec's grip, who was pulling him up from the bed and to the floor. Alec chuckled and looked over his shoulder at Magnus.

“So am I, but here I am,” he said. Once Magnus was finally on the ground, Alec smiled and pressed play. “You're Marion, I'm Norman,” Magnus watched as Alec began moving his hips slightly with a big grin on his face. “C'mon, don't be shy. It's me you're here with.”

Magnus huffed and rolled his eyes with a smile. “Fine,” he said. “But if you laugh at me, I'll be a koala and squeeze you for the whole night. Got it?” He tried to make his voice sound angry, but he couldn't. Alec was too perfect not to get angry at.

Alec was too perfect.

Magnus' smile dropped slightly but it never faded as he continued to watch Alec dance around. “Roger that,” he said. When the lyrics started playing, Alec never sung but instead furrowed his eyebrows. “Why are you wearing your makeup? You never do when you come over.”

He shrugged, “I don't know. I thought it would make me look better.”

Alec rolled his hazel eyes with a smile. “You always look good,” Magnus smiled and started dancing along to the song - their song - with a smile and closed eyes. “No Scrubs, no scrubs,” Magnus' grin widened immensely at his voice. It has always been beautiful like that. “No Scrubs.”

Magnus opened his eyes to see that Alec's were closed too, “I was born in mine; I don't mind it anymore,” Alec's eyes opened and looked at Magnus with a smile, his pearly white teeth showing. “No Scrubs.”

“Oh but you should, you should mind it,” he sung. “No Scrubs.”

“Oh I do,” Magnus chuckled an obviously fake one and Alec laughed, shaking his head at the deepness of it, “But I say I don't.” Alec spun around in a circle and jumped when he faced back at Magnus.

“No, I don't want no scrubs. A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me, hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride, trying to holler at me!” They both sang, jumping around Alec's room like lunatics before they collapsed onto Alec's bed while trying to catch their breath. Magnus turned his head to Alec's side and caught sight of himself in the mirror and jumped up.

“What's wrong?” asked Alec when Magnus ran into the bathroom. He bounced off the bed and followed in with a concerned expression on his face, but when he saw Magnus playing around with his makeup bag, he sighed. “Magnus, you don't need makeup.”

He scoffed and pulled out his makeup remover and a single pad. “I do,” he replied. “Not everyone looks perfect without makeup like you, Alec,” He didn't want it to sound harsh, but he felt as though it may have come out that way. Alec pushed himself off the doorframe and walked over to Magnus, taking the makeup remover and pad from his hands.

“You do look perfect,” Alec pushed a stray piece of loose hair back into Magnus' hair and smiled. “Makeup, smudged makeup, or none at all.”

Magnus chuckled lightly and nodded, still taking the things back. “Well, I'd prefer no makeup rather than smudged,” As he was wiping away his makeup with Alec silently watching him, his belly grumbled, and he cursed internally. Alec chuckled and raised his eyebrows at Magnus.

“Hungry?”

Magnus shook his head, “Nope.”

“Your stomach just growled, Magnus. You're hungry.”

“Actually, it's because I swallowed air last time I ate,” Which was 1 or 2 days ago, “Ergo, my stomach growled,” Magnus put his hands to the side of his head and 'exploded' them, “Mind Blown,” Alec rolled his eyes.

“Finnneee,” he said. “Hurry up and get to bed, I'm tired.”

Magnus' heart stuttered. To him, it sounded as though it was their bed. He quickly removed the rest of his makeup and ran into the room, jumping onto the bed. Well, jumping onto Alec. “Ouch! Get off me you oaf.”

Alec opened his eyes and Magnus put on a pout, shifting slightly so he was straddling his hips. “That's mean,”

“You know I was only kidding, Mags,” said Alec. Magnus' smile turned into a pout and he leaned down, putting his head in the between the side of Alec's face and above the shoulder while moving his body down so he was in a more comfortable position. Alec's chuckled was muffled, “You're squashing me.”

“I told you I'd be like a koala if you laughed.”

“I didn't laugh!”

“That's beside the point,” said Magnus. He felt Alec smile and press a kiss to his cheek. It all seemed innocent and nice as the time ticked by, but then Alec was rolling over and they both fell onto the floor with a loud thump. Alec looked down at Magnus with a smile. “You're so mean!” yelled Magnus, pushing Alec off him with a frown.

When Alec got off, he walked over to the light and switched it off while Magnus crawled onto the bed, putting himself in a fetal position with his back facing where he felt the bed dip. A hand was then draped over his side and he smiled slightly but never let a word slip out of his mouth.

“I'm sorry, Mags,” whispered Alec. He bent down and kissed the tip of his ear lightly. “Stop ignoring me,” Silence. “I love you,” Magnus desperately wanted to say it back, but he didn't. He liked teasing Alec. “If you talk to me, I'll let you sleep in the way you were before I pushed you off the bed.”

Magnus smiled and quickly turned around, pushing Alec onto his back and burying his head above his shoulder. “I love you too,” He felt Alec chuckle and Magnus pressed a kiss to his jaw. “Goodnight, asshole,” Alec's arms wrapped around Magnus' waist.

“Goodnight, Magnus.”

**“Never call a person fat. You'll never know how far they'll go to be the opposite.”**

It was 3 days later, but Alec couldn't stop staring at Magnus. He was beautiful, and he was in love. The way his smile lit up the room, the way his laugh filled everybody's heart, and the way his humor and personality can just make everybody die a little inside from how… perfect he is.  
  
But as he stared harder, something looked different. He looked… skinny. Skinnier than before their convocation about being perfect… Maybe it was a coincidence, but it didn't sound like one.

Alec wrapped a hand around Magnus' waist, pulling him away from his thoughts, and kissed his cheek. “You know you're perfect the way you are, right?”

Magnus looked dazed for a second, his eyes occasionally dropping to Alec's lips before he nodded with a smile. “I know, Alexander.”

_And, for some reason, Alec believed him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was very hard to put into words, for some reason, so I apologize for it not being as good as the others :(  
> Also, do you guys have any suggestions I could put into fears?  
> I know I already have 9 more chapters coming up, but I would love to give you more if I can think of other fears!  
> Have a good day X


	4. Chapter Four- Thanatophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Possible Trigger Warning this Chapter*  
> = Suicide & Blood.

**Thanatophobia;** _the fear of losing someone you love._

**“The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained.”**

“This teacher is dumb,” whispered Clary with her head in her hands. “Why is she an English teacher when she doesn't know that Ergo means, therefore?” She shook her head and sighed annoyingly, “So annoying.”

Magnus hummed in agreement. This teacher was actually very bad at her English vocabulary - and everything to do with English, really. - and Magnus was pretty sure everybody in the class was confused on how she was actually still at the school. “I have to agree with you on that one,” responded Magnus. “This teacher never seems to know what's she's doing.”

Jace snorted from the table ahead of them and turned around, “C'mon, guys, cut her some slack. At least she's hot,” he said. When he turned back to the front, everybody knew he was checking her out. Magnus shook his head and rolled his eyes.

Alec scoffed and rolled his eyes from Magnus’ left as Simon, who was sat next to him, put a finger over his mouth and makes a ‘shhh’ noise. “Jace, you think everybody’s hot.”

Jace made a noise that nobody could quite determine but never said anything. Magnus smiled and put a hand over his heart. “Awe. Thank you, Jace,” This time, Jace turned around and raised his eyebrows, “I’m sorry, but you’re not my type.”

“You’re not my type either, thankfully,” Magnus raised his eyebrows at the statement. Opinion? He couldn’t really tell, honestly. That was how bad he was in English due to this teacher’s terrible teaching skills. “In case you’ve forgotten, I’m into women.”

“I’m glad,” said Magnus. The teacher, hearing them, whirled around and raised her eyebrows at Magnus. He put his hands up in the air, “Sorry.”

She sighed and turned back to the board, continuing whatever dumb speech she was saying before she was ‘rudely’ interrupted. For the first time that lesson, he started to pay attention to the bullshit spilling out of her mouth and tried to understand, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t. “What the actual fuck? This shit makes no sense.”

Magnus run his fingers through his gelled hair and groaned in frustration. Clary chuckled lightheartedly and put her hand over his, “Magnus, you just have to write a paragraph on how bad Racism was in 1960’s or whatever.”

Clary took her hand of and began writing while Magnus stayed with his hands in his hair, looking at his blank paper with his black pen on the side. When his eyes were beginning to close 5 minutes later, a piece of paper slid across onto his paper. The title was ‘Racism.’ Magnus looked to his left and saw Alec quickly glancing at the teacher. “Is this yours, Alec?” he whispered.

Alec turned around and smiled at him. “No, it’s yours,” Magnus’ mouth fell agape as he looked back at the paragraph of words and shook his head, turning back towards Alec.

“Alec, no! I don’t want you to lose a part of your education because of me! I don't mind Jace or something,” Jace gasped, “But not you!” Alec sighed and rolled his eyes. When the teacher turned back around, Alec quickly turned around and began writing in his notebook. Magnus put his head on his desk and groaned quietly.

“Me and every subject in the world are definitely not compatible,” said Magnus.

Clary chuckled and hummed in agreement. “Now, class, I would like you to get into groups of 6 to 7s and discuss a project about the Racism due in 3 weeks,” said the Teacher before she turned around and sat on her desk, typing away. Almost immediately Isabelle, Jace, Simon, and Alec all brought their chairs around Clary and Magnus' table.

“Does this teacher really think we're gonna do the project?” scoffed Jace, shaking his head. Clary smiled.

“I and Simon will probably do it so you all are off the hook,” she said. Simon nodded rapidly, like he was excited to actually do the project, “But you guys-”

She was cut off by the teacher walking over there way with a sad look on her face. “Magnus, honey?” Magnus furrowed his eyebrows and looked up at her. She never called him honey. “You need to go to the main office, sweetie.”

Magnus nodded slowly and bent down to pick up his bag. “Why?”

She took a deep breath. “Something about your mother…” Magnus felt his heart drop and he immediately stood up, grabbing his notebook and pen and running out of the class. When could be wrong with his mother? Magnus ran down the stairs and to the main office, running out of the door and ignoring his name being called. A man in a police suit was waiting outside, and once he saw Magnus, he walked over.

“Are you Magnus Bane?” asked the man. Magnus swallowed thickly and nodded, unable to form even a word. “We have been called to take you back home.”

“What's wrong with my mother?” asked Magnus in a small voice. He felt the tears brushing in his eyes and the wind blowing violently in the air, but the only thing he could focus on was the man and the things coming out of his mouth. The police officer sighed and gently grabbed Magnus' forearm but Magnus yanked it away. He was now aware that the from the classroom he was just in, they had a clear view of the two of them. “Tell me what's wrong with her!”

“Your mother… She's passed away,” said the man in a soft voice, and Magnus stumbled back. It was almost as though the life in him evaporated in him and he was just this weak lifeless skeleton. “I'm sorry, sir, but you need to come with me so I can get your home and explain to you what happened,” This time, Magnus let the police officer take him. He had no strength left in him to try and fight.

**“Many people who choose suicide do so to end their pain not realizing that their pain becomes the pain of all those left behind.”**

When Magnus stepped a foot into his house, he realized that everything looked much cleaner than usual. Usually, there was always something on the kitchen cabinet, the table, or the sofa like a glass, spilled water, or a bunch of loose papers, but there was nothing. The place was absolutely spotless. Almost as though nobody has stepped foot into the house for 6 months.

“Please, sit,” whispered Magnus, walking over to the clean chairs and looking around him for some sort of mess, but there was none. Absolutely nothing, and he hated it. For some reason, when there was a mess around, he felt at home. When there wasn't… he didn't feel like he was meant to be there. “What happened to my mom?” he asked in a low voice when they finally sat down.

Magnus was fully aware of the fact that he had no tears down his cheeks, but he didn't care. He didn't want to feel weak. “Your mother committed suicide,”

_Committed suicide_

_Committed_

_Suicide_

_Suicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicide_ _suicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicidesuicice_

Magnus felt the air fly out of his lungs. He was expecting something like a car crash, heart attack, falling off something high or even being murdered, but he never, never, expected suicide.

_“Suicide is the act of intentionally causing one's own death.”_

“Your neighbor said that she heard something… like a struggle and she ran over into the garage and… she found her,” Magnus' vision was blurry and hazy. “I'm sorry for your loss. I know she meant something special to you…” Magnus nodded even though he didn't process the words. “I could stay back here with you if you'd like some company…”

This time, Magnus was able to understand what he said and he shook his head. Magnus swallowed thickly and looked up, “I'd rather be alone,” the man nodded with a sad smile. He stayed there for a couple of moments before getting up and walking out of the door and closed it quietly behind him.

As much as he tried to hold it in, the pain came up like an uproar from his throat in the form of a silent scream. The beads of water started falling down one after another, without a sign of stopping. He hit the nearest wall and tried to scream, but his voice was melted by the sound of the voice in his head telling him it was his fault. The world turned into a blur, and so did all the sounds. The taste. The smell. Everything was gone. Everything went with her.

He stood up on shaky legs, the tears still falling down his face on a continuous loop, as he walked over to the cupboards and pulled out a glass, throwing it onto the floor and making it smash into a thousand, tiny little shards of glass. He grabbed another and after another and kept throwing them down in an attempt to make the pain in his heart left, but it didn't. He soon slid down his fridge with his hands and feet in the glass, but he didn't care.

The last painful emotion slammed against him before he lost the feeling of feeling. Everything darkened into nothingness as he passed into the oblivion of unconsciousness.

**“But when a person commits suicide, he does not do violence only to himself; he inflicts death upon those whom he least considered would be so afflicted.”**

**\- F.Sionil Jose**

_(Hey mum.)_  
_“Hai, Mama,” smiled Magnus, coming to sit down next to her on the sofa with a bottle of cold water. His mother, who had her eyes trained on the TV, turned to face Magnus with a smile. “You okay? You look tired.”_

_She nodded and patted the empty space between them. “I'm okay, Magnus.”_

_(Good)_  
_“Baik,” he said in a soft voice. He closed his eyes as her fingers began to run through his scalp, massaging it. He sighed softly and curled against her side with a smile. “Aku mengkhawatirkanmu.” (I'm worried about you.)_

_His mother sighed but a smile rose on her face for her sons concern. “Anda tidak perlu khawatir, malaikat.” (You have nothing to be worried about, angel.)_

_(Okay, mom)_  
_“Oke, Bu,” as he closed his eyes and was slowly drifting off into unconsciousness, Magnus felt something cold dripping down his arm. He opened his eyes and pulled away slightly, looking up at his mother, and freezing. She had a slightly agape mouth and her skin was turning a grey colour. He pulled back all the way, looking at his arm, but halfway up he froze._

_Blood._

_He stumbled back, falling onto the floor and crawling as far back as he could before his back his the wall. He pulled his knees up to his chest and put his head on his knees, sobbing. “Magnus!”_

_“Magnus, wake up!” someone yelled. It was faint, in the back of his head, but he didn't know who it was. “Oh god, wake up! Please wake up!”_

_Magnus sobbed, “Help her! Someone p-please! Help her!” He lifted his head up, and when he did, he saw his mother right in front of him, her skin healthy and no blood in sight. She raised a hand to his cheek and cupped it._

_“Aku Cinta Kamu, Magnus. Always remember that.”_

“Magnus!” yelled Alec, his hands on Magnus' shoulder as he shook him violently. With the kitchen light shining down onto his face, Alec could make out the tear marks down his face and could feel the dried up blood on his arms. When Alec tore his attention away and looked back at Magnus, his eyes were wide open and his body was tense. Alec shifted closed on his knees, the shattered glass cutting him slightly in all different places.

“Alec?” asked Magnus in the softest voice Alec has ever heard him in. Alec nodded once with a slight smile in a way to try and comfort him while moving his hands up and down Magnus' cut arms. Alec could tell the second his eyesight went from blurry to clear as he saw the tears start to form in his eyes and his chin tremble slightly. “Alec…”

Alec wrapped his arms around the back of Magnus' neck as best as he could before pulling him into a hug, tightening his hold on him when he felt the wetness of Magnus' tears soak through his plain black T-shirt. “Shh, it's okay,” soothed Alec. In his entire lifetime with Magnus, he had never seen him this sad - this broken. “Whatever it is, whatever happened, it's okay…”

Magnus sobbed harder and ended up climbing onto Alec's lap, wrapping his legs around his waist and hugging tighter like Alec was his lifeline. “My mom…” Alec squeezed his eyes shut tight to stop the tears from falling. His chin trembled, and Magnus must have felt it as he pulled away and locked eyes with Alec. Now, Alec could see him more clearly.

His eyes were red-rimmed and puffy and Alec could see all the small cuts in his face with only tiny spots of blood showing. Magnus brushed his thumb on Alec's cheek as a tear fell, which Alec didn't even realize, before breaking into tears again. “My mom killed herself,” Alec's mouth fell agape, and this time, he didn't stop the tears from falling. He only pulled Magnus back in and hugged him tighter.

Irene, Magnus' mother, was a beautiful woman which Alec thought of as a second mom. She was always kind towards him, and he never felt awkward when he talked to her in public like he was with every other parent of his friends. She sang and danced around with him and Magnus and always had a smile on her face. He now guesses that it was probably a fake one, or his moments with her was some of her only happy moments.

“I'm so sorry,” whispered Alec. Magnus said nothing but snuggled in closer, shivering slightly. Alec pulled back slightly in order to see Magnus' face. “You're so cold…” he realized. “I'll go get you a blanket from the garage,”

“No! Don't go in the garage!” he said, wiping away the tears away. Alec furrowed his eyebrows but stood up anyway with Magnus still wrapped around him and walked towards the sofa, putting him down as softly as he could without brushing the cuts to make them sore. “She died in there.”

Alec swallowed thickly but shook his head. “I'll be fine, okay?” He unwrapped Magnus from around him and stepped away. Alec shivered slightly as he began walking to the garage but stopped when he heard his name being called. He turned back around to Magnus.

“I'll come with you…” Alec's eyes went wide and he shook his head rapidly. “Alec, I need to know if my mother left a note. I… I can only get better knowing why she did it.” He considered just grabbing it if he saw it, but then disagreed with himself. He nodded to Magnus, and he slowly got up, limping his way to Alec and then walking past him, pushing open the garage door.

When they stepped into the room, it felt 10x colder than the living room. Alec quickly stepped aside and practically ran over to the chair, grabbing the blanket, and when he turned back, Magnus was bending down and grabbing a piece of paper. Alec watched silently as he unfolded the piece of paper.

Magnus looked up just as a tear rolled down his face and gave a nod to Alec. Alec walked over and wrapped the blanket around Magnus before putting his arm around his waist and moving him forward back towards the living room. When Magnus sat down, his eyes went to Alec's legs and he gasped. He pointed his shaky arms, “Alec. your legs…”

“I'm fine. It looks as bad as it is,” said Alec. Magnus shook his head and reached over to the cabinet to his left and grabbed the tweezers. “What is that for?” Magnus grabbed one of Alec's legs and moved it onto his thigh.

“I'm picking out the glass so you don't get hurt anymore,” he whispered, moving the tweezers down and already starting to pick out some pieces of glass. Throughout the whole thing, the room was completely silent with the only sound being the glass hitting a plate and tick of the clock. When Magnus finished, he was about to put the tweezers back when he Alec reached forward and grabbed them. “What are you doing?”

“I'm not going to let you get hurt even more, either,” said Alec. Magnus sighed and nodded and Alec quickly moved behind him, carefully taking the blanket off his shoulders. When the blanket was all the way down and Alec moved him so that his back was in the direction of the light, he gasped.

All over, there were bleeding cuts and pieces of glass sticking out of him. Alec quickly went to the bathroom and wet a paper towel before going back. “I'm sorry if I hurt you,” whispered Alec, moving to pick out some glass and after, wiping the dry blood away from him. When Alec was done, Magnus turned around.

“I'm sorry, Alec,” he whispered with his chin trembling. Alec furrowed his eyebrows and grabbing his hands. “I didn't mean to drag you into all of my mess… I don't want you to be apart of it anymore.”

Alec shook his head, moving closer, “It's okay, Magnus. I don't mind. Just, as long as you're happy in the end and I can see you smile again, then I don't care. I'll take on your problems until we are both old and wrinkly, okay?” Magnus chuckled slightly and sniffed. Alec smiled. “You're my best friend. Your problems are mine.”

“Your problems are my problems,” repeated Magnus in a whisper. He closed his eyes and smiled, leaning forward and dropping his head on Alec's shoulder. “I love you, Alec.”

Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus' waist and kissed his temple. “I love you too.” Throughout the hug, the only thing on Magnus' mind was the 4 words his mother had write him,

_“It wasn't your fault.”_

But he couldn't believe it… He never could.

**“I know everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I wished I knew what that reason was.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope you enjoyed this chapter as it is my favorite one so far to write.  
> Would you guys like spoilers for what the next one will be when I write my next chapter?  
> Have a lovely day X


	5. Chapter Five- Mnemophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Possible Trigger Warning for this Chapter*  
> = Abuse & Blood.

**Mnemophobia; _the fear of the past._**

**“I hate getting flashbacks on**  
**Things I don't want to remember.”**

“No, no, no,” said Alec, shaking his head, “You've got it all mixed up. Enjambment is the continuation of a sentence without a pause beyond the end of line or stanza and-”

“What the fuck is a stanza?!” screamed Magnus with a smile. He knew what it was, but he liked annoying Alec. Alec groaned and was about to explain when he saw the smile on Magnus' face and rolled his eyes, grabbing a pillow and whacking it on top of his head. “Ouch!” Alec pounced on top of him, the work was forgotten for a minute, and continued hitting him. Magnus burst into laughter, covering himself with his hands as best as he could. “I'm tiny and fragile, leave me alone!”

Alec stopped and raised his eyebrows with a smile as he panted, “You're anything but tiny,” Magnus' mouth fell open slightly and put a hand over his heart.

“Fuck you, Lightwood,” he laughed, “You think I'm fat and fragile?” he joked. Alec groaned and made himself fall backward. Magnus pushed himself up, their roles switching position. “Awh, I always knew you were a bottom.”

“I-I'm not a bottom!” said Alec, pushing Magnus off him. Magnus chuckled and rolled his eyes. “How would you know that anyway?” he asked, moving so his back was pressed against the headboard. Magnus shrugged innocently, moving so he was in front of Alec but all the way on the edge of the bed.

“So,” started Magnus, changing the subject, “Any new gossip that I need to hear about people in school?”

Alec opened his mouth and closed it, almost like he was debating on telling him, before giving up and looking at him with a weird look in his eye. “Camille and Jonathan just got together.”

Magnus felt the air leave his lungs and he raised his eyebrows, “Are you fucking kidding me?!” asked Magnus. Alec furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head. Magnus jumped up off his bed and grabbing his phone, immediately calling Catarina. She picked up on the 3rd ring. “Did you know?!”

“Know what?” she asked, her voice calm but slightly shaky.

“That fucking Camille and Jonathan were together, that's what!” She sighed on the other end of the phone but said nothing. Magnus scoffed and shook his head, avoiding eye contact with Alec. “You knew and you never fucking thought to tell me?!”

“I would've Magnus, I would, but I've been busy with revision and-”

“And you never thought to tell your best friend that his manipulative ex-girlfriend and bully have started to date? I sacrificed my revision for the exams last year when I told you about your ex-boyfriend, and you couldn't do the same for me?” He didn't want to sound harsh or controlling or greedy, and he knew that's how it came out, but he couldn't care less, honestly.

Catarina scoffed on the other end of the line, “There's a big difference between us, Magnus. You don't give a shit about your education, but I do! This clearly didn't stick in your tiny brain, or you just didn't both paying attention to your “best friend”-” He practically felt the air quotes around that, “-because you were too focused on yourself!”

“I have problems I have to deal with, Cat, you know that!” he shouted. He risked a glance at Alec and saw the concern and discomfort on his face due to the fact that Magnus was having a heated argument right in front of him, “You can't just expect me to-”

“To what? Pay attention to your friend?” she chuckled, “You're so fucking focused on yourself that you don't even know how your supposed best friend is doing.”

Magnus' breath caught in his throat and he paused, “Supposed? What are you on about? You're obviously one of my best friends-”

“Well, you're not one of mine,” Magnus paused in his spot and swallowed thickly.

“Fuck you,” he whispered before she ended the call. The anger and sadness mixed together in him, but he could only act on anger. The front doorbell rang and Magnus groaned, stomping out of the room and down the stairs. He ripped the door open, “What the fuck do you-”

The sentence he had paused in his throat as his eyes went wide and his throat went dry. The man smiled, “Hello, Son.”

Footsteps were walking slowly down the stairs, “Magnus, who's at the door?” he asked. When he reached the bottom of the stairs and looked up, he froze as the man looked at him, the smile fading. “Magnus?”

“What are you doing here?” whispered Magnus, his free hand clenching into a fist so tightly that his nails dug into his palm and drew blood. Magnus' gave shifted to the bag in his hands and he felt his chin start to tremble, “Why do you have a bag with you?”

The man looked Alec up and down once more before switching his gaze to Magnus and a smirk grew on his face, “I'm moving in.”

Magnus felt the anger and confidence bubble up in him and he looked down at his father's foot in the doorway. He kicked it out, “Get out of my house. You are never allowed to step foot in here or near me again, you hear me?” His father's hand made contact with Magnus' cheek with a sharp pain tagged along.

“Magnus…” whispered Alec, walking closer to him. Magnus turned around slowly as he raised a hand to his cheek.

“I think you should go,” replied Magnus. Alec was going to deny, but he saw the rage in the older man's eye and found that it was best to probably leave. He nodded slowly and slipped his shoes on quickly, “Through the back door,” he whispered. Alec nodded again before coming up and kissing Magnus on the cheek.

“Call me if you need anything, please,” whispered Alec in his ear low enough so that only Magnus could hear it. Magnus turned and gave Alec a quick kiss beside the mouth, further away from where he aimed and nodded. “I'll see you later.” Alec walked to the back door and before he shut the door behind him, he gave him a slight wave before closing it and walking off.

  
Immediately, Magnus felt a forceful push on his chest and he stumbled back. “Never speak to me like that again, you hear me?!” yelled his father, slamming the door closed behind him and chucking his bag on Magnus. He groaned out in pain and bit his lip to stop the tears.

“Why are you here?” whispered Magnus. His father walked over and snatched the bag from him and opened it, rummaging through before taking out a beer. “And how long?”

( **really bad homophobia in the first line so if you get offended please skip to the second line!!** )  
“I'm here because someone needs to take care of you, you dumb f*g,” Magnus felt a tear drop but quickly wiped it away before his father could see. “And I'm here until you're 18. How old are you now?” he took a small swig of his drink, “15?”

“I'm 17,” whispered Magnus. “I'm 18 in 6 months…”

His father waved a hand and rolled his eyes, “Do you think I give a fuck when your birthday is?” Magnus turned around and was beginning to walk up the stairs when his father spoke again, “Where's your mother gone? Did she abandon you like she did me?”

Magnus froze and looked down, “She's dead,” he saw his father freeze in the corner of his eye, “She… killed herself 3 days ago.”

For a moment, the only thing that could be heard was the ticking of the clock and Magnus' heavy breathing before his father's blood-curdling scream and the sound of his beer smashing on the wall beside Magnus was heard. He put his hands over his head when the glass started to fly in all different directions and turned in his papa's direction the second he began stomping towards the stairs.

Magnus gasped and began running, but his father was fast and he grabbed his legs, pulling him down the stairs and into the living room. On his way of being pulled, he screamed out in pain as he felt the carpet burns starting to form from the roughness of the drag. “Papa, biarkan aku pergi!” ( _Papa, let me go!_ )

( _please, papa, no! please, let me go! let me go!_ )  
“olong, papa, tidak! tolong, biarkan aku pergi! biarkan aku pergi!” cried Magnus, pulling at his legs but he wouldn't budge. He raised his fists, and Magnus squeezed his eyes closed as the impact came down, ripping out a pain scream from him. The pain spread through his whole face like a wildfire as the fist came down for the second time in 2 seconds.

( _you monster! you murdered your own mother!_ )  
“Kau monster! Anda membunuh ibumu sendiri!” his father yelled. When Magnus felt the weight off his body, he opened his eyes and saw his father walking away and into his bag, and Magnus knew what was coming. He got up on weak, shaky legs and ran up the stairs to his room.

_Magnus heard the glass shatter and a thump and emerged from behind the sofa, looking at his father with the broken glass bottle in his hand and a pained yet relieved look on his face._

Magnus slammed the door shut behind him and ran over to his open window, but the door burst off his hinges and his father grabbed the back of his hair roughly, pulling him and throwing him into his long mirror, smashing it. He cried out in pain once again as he felt his hot blood running down the side of his arms and legs as he leaned against the mirror for support. “Itu salahmu!” (it's your fault!)

**_“It's not your fault”_ **

( _you're a repulsive abomination! I don't want to see your face for the rest of the night!_ )  
His father's hands went around his throat, forcing him to look up. “Anda adalah kekejian yang menjijikkan! Aku tidak ingin melihat wajahmu sepanjang malam ini!” and then he left. Magnus felt a tear slip down his face and he turned around, planting his hands on the mirror and taking deep breaths.

Battered, they called it. Such a simple word for a simple idea. But this was not simple. His sense of self, once a high and proud feeling of one destined for good things, now felt as bruised as his face and as broken as the mirror he stood in front of. He wiped some dried blood from his skin and stared into his own empty eyes. He barely recognized himself. Who was in there and why did they stay? He gazed around the now messed up room at the broken and strewn possessions which got shattered or broken due to the impact of the mirror. Were they any different from himself? He stifled a sob with the scuffled palm of his hand and sunk to the floor.

It was more than crying. It was the kind of desolate sobbing that comes from a person drained of all hope.

In Magnus' sobbing was the sound of a heartbreaking. Hearts don't snap like brittle caramel or burst like an overfilled balloon. A heart breaks in the heaving waves of a new disturbing reality that has arrived uninvited.

When he cried, there was rawness too it, like the pain was still an open wound. He would clasp onto anything for support, anything, a table or the back of a chair, and then his whole body would shake. The sobs were stifled at first as he attempted to hide his grief, then overcome by the wave of his emotions he would break down entirely, all his defenses washed away in those salty tears. When he turned his face to the mirror he was a picture of grief, heartbreak, and devastation. It was the face of one who had suffered before and didn't know if he could do it again.

He reached over to his phone which had been knocked off from his double bed as he struggled to stay on it and turned it around, turning it on and checking the messages. He phone slid down until he found the name he had most wanted here in this moment with him. Not to share the pain, but to comfort him.

 **Alexander <3:** _Are you okay?_  
**Magnus XOX:** _I'm good_

Magnus took deep breaths and placed his phone on his desk. He bent down on his bruised and scraped knees and started picking up the glass, the tears falling down more rapidly now. He through a handful of glass into the bin and flinched at the noise - the noise which had been made only a couple of minutes ago. He reached back up for his phone again and was surprised that the beeping wasn't from Alexander.

 **Ragnor:** What the fuck Magnus?  
**Ragnor:** Why the hell is Cat crying to me on the phone for  
**Ragnor:** Answer me you fucker!!  
**Magnus:** What's she saying?

His reply was immediate; Almost like he was waiting for those words to send.

 **Ragnor:** _She's telling me how you phoned her up and started shouting at her for not telling her about Camille and Jonathan and then you started saying how bad of a friend she is and shit._  
**Magnus:** _Lmao you're fucking kidding me right? She's bullshitting and you know it. She's my best friend you loon I'd never say that to her._  
**Ragnor:** _Why would she make that up Magnus. The whole thing sounds pretty realistic to me cuz you're getting jealous and pissed about your ex-girlfriend being with somebody else._  
**Magnus:** _Ragnor you know that I don't give a shit about her and who she dates anymore. I was over her the second that we broke up fgs. And it clearly isn't fucking realistic if she's making up lies._  
**Ragnor:** _Wow so you really did cheat? Fucking hell Magnus why did you do that shit for._  
**Magnus:** _Omg I didn't cheat on her and I didn't say that Catarina! I screamed at her, yeah, but she was the one who called off our friendship by saying that we weren't best friends anymore and so I told her to fuck off._  
**Ragnor:** _you're tight, bane. You don't know what shit she's going through right now so I suggest you lay off her_  
**Magnus:** _don't even start on this with me ragnor. My dad is back and I'd rather not get shit from the both of you, adding on Camille and her new boy toy._  
**Ragnor:** _oh wow your dad is back in town boo hoo_  
**Magnus:** _Glad to know ur supportive of what he's done and said_  
**Ragnor:** _i don't care about u magnus so please fuck off and find somebody else to bully_

Magnus swallowed thickly and turned his phone off, slamming it onto his desk again and letting some tears slip down his face. He walked out of his bedroom as quietly as possible, avoiding all the spots he knew would squeak at his weight, and walked into  
the bathroom, locking the door behind him and stipping down.

He walked slowly into the shower, steam filling the room as he cut the shower on. He bathed his skin lightly, taking careful notice not to touch the bruises scattered across his body. After his shower was finished and he was sitting in his desk chair, he looked into the only non-shattered part of the mirror and inspected the bruises all around, reliving the moment over and over.

_“You repulsive monster!”_  
_“It's your fault!”_  
_“You murdered your own mother.”_

Magnus squeezed his eyes and grabbed his phone, hoping for a new text from Alexander, but nothing was there. He understood; it was late and he was probably tired of all the drama has dragged him into. He didn't blame him. Magnus would've left himself, too. He rose from his chair and slipped into his double bed, hoping, praying, that tomorrow may have a better ending.

Praying that his life would have a better ending.

**“It is not the bruises on the body that hurt.**  
**It is the wounds on the heart and the scars on the mind.”**

**-Aisha Miraz**


	6. Chapter Six- Philophobia

**Philophobia;** _the fear of being heartbroken_

**“Losing an argument is better than losing a friend.”**

“Alec?” asked Magnus, knocking on his bedroom door with a slight shake in his hands. From the edges around the door, Magnus could make out that the lights were turned off and he could hear no sound. He was about to open the door when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He jumped and spun around but sighed, “Isabelle. Where's Alec?”

Isabelle sighed and grabbed his hand, pulling him into her room and closed the door behind her. He furrowed his eyebrows, “Where's Alec?” he repeated. Dread spread across him, “Is he okay? Did something happen to him?”

“No. Alec's fine, he's just going to pick up some mail from our parents,” she explained not moving an inch from leaning on the door. Magnus nodded, breathing a sigh of relief, before looking back up at her concerned expression.

“Is something wrong?” asked Magnus. He felt his arms shake slightly at the thought of her seeing through the mountains of makeup he applied to cover up the bruises and cuts on his face. He curled his hand into a fist and dug his short nails into his skin, carving moon shapes into his palm.

She sighed and pushed herself off the door, coming to sit next to him on the bed and taking his hand in hers. “What's wrong?” Magnus furrowed his eyebrows and a small smiled raised on his lips at the fact that, maybe, someone did care.

“Nothing,” Magnus lied. Everything, his mind screamed for help as he contained himself not to let any tears fall to show his weakened state.

“Are you sure you're okay?” it was hesitant like she didn't really want to know the answer, probably fearing the worst case scenario that could happen. Magnus thought that maybe, the worst case scenario in her head was Magnus' reality. Magnus nodded slightly.

“Trust me, it's nothing. I'm just tired,” he said. She nodded and gave a slight smile before squinting her eyes. A second later, she gasped and raised a hand to Magnus' eye. He hissed out in pain when she pushed down slightly.

She put a hand over her mouth, “How the fuck did you get a black eye?!” she yelled. “Do you have bruises anywhere else?” He pulled back and took her hands in his own. “Magnus… how did you get these? Does Alec know?”

He sighed and let her hands go, letting his head drop backward. “No, he doesn't,” he whispered. “And you can't tell him!” he added, looking back down at her. “Isabelle, I'm fine. Honestly. I just don't want Alec to go all panic mode if he finds out, okay?” She shook her head.

“How did it get there, Magnus?” she asked. A second later, the door slammed and Magnus perked up slightly, jumping up and walking to the door. “Magnus, answer me right now or I'll tell Alec.”

“I got into a fight and I tripped over something and fell into my mirror, okay? Now, just, please don't tell Alec… I don't want him stressing over me when he has his own problems to deal with,” he opened the door when she opened her mouth, “And don't say he hasn't got any problems to deal with because I know for a fact that your parents stress him out,” he closed the door behind him the second Alec began walking up the stairs. “Hello, Alexander.”

He looked up and gave a tight smile, “Hi,” He opened his bedroom door and walked in while Magnus stood back with a slightly agape mouth. “What?” asked Alec when he turned back around. “Do you have a problem or something?” he snapped. Magnus flinched and stepped into his room.

“No… Why would I have‒”

“I don't know, you tell me!” yelled Alec, throwing paper onto his desktop and walking over to his bed, slipping off his shoes. “If you're just going to stand there like a weirdo then you might as well leave.”

Magnus scoffed in disbelief, “Why the hell are you being so harsh? I haven't done anything‒”

“Listen, Magnus, if you're here to just talk about your problems and not anything else then you can leave because I can't be asked to deal with your bullshit anymore,” he said, throwing his shoes in his direction. One shoe ended up hitting his shin and he groaned out in pain. Of course, it had to hit his only bruise on his leg. Alec furrowed his eyebrows, “It's just a shoe. Don't be a baby.”

“What the fuck is up with you?” asked Magnus, stepping further into his room as Alec grabbed his MacBook and sat back on his bed. “You don't need to act like a fucking bitch because you're mad with your parents or whatever has gotten you into such a pissy mood‒”

“Maybe I wouldn't be in a mood if you weren't here,” he stated. Magnus felt tears rising in his eyes and took a small step back, his chin trembling. Alec scoffed when he looked up at him, “Why are you acting like such a baby today? You're 17. Grow up.”

“Fuck you, Alec,” scoffed Magnus. “Don't act like a fucking twat and snap at me because of your parents‒”

“Stop blaming this all on my parents!” yelled Alec. “You wanna know what my fucking problem is, Magnus? You. I have to deal with your shit every fucking second of my life and I'm sick of it!” He yelled. He heard footsteps behind Isabelle's door, but he was too focused on the painful words falling from Alec's lips. “God. Cat was fucking right. You only care about yourself.”

“That's not true,” whispered Magnus with a teardrop falling but quickly wiping it away before Alec saw how weak he was. “I care about you, Alec, and I care about what you're feeling.”

Alec scoffed like it was the dumbest sentence in the world but was avoiding eye contact. Magnus knew he felt guilty, but understood that he needed to get his anger out. If that meant hurting himself in the process, he would do it. For Alec. “Do you? I don't fucking think you do.”

“What the fuck would you know, Alec?” yelled Magnus. Alec's head snapped up, “What the fuck would you know?” he repeated, “ 'You only care about yourself' my fucking ass, and you know it. You know that I care about you more than I care about myself so please, tell me how the fuck I don't give a shit about you.”

Alec forced out a chuckle and tears were in his eyes. “When have you ever gave a shit about me?”

“Since the day I fucking met you, you prick!” A tear slid down Magnus' cheek, “I care about you, even if I don't show it, and I'm sorry if I don't, but I do. Stop acting like your life is hard because your parents aren't here,” Magnus wiped the tear from his face and forced out a chuckle anybody could tell was fake. “At least you have fucking parents.”

“Of course, changing the subject to yourself. Well done, you proved yourself fucking wrong.”

“I'm giving you an example that you're life isn't as shit as it could be, Alec, so don't fucking‒”

“I don't give a fuck about your mum and what happened to her or the fucking person who slapped you yesterday, okay?! Just leave me, and Isabelle, and Jace alone!” he took a deep breath and, for the first time since the argument, made eye contact with Magnus. “We aren't bothered to deal with your shit.”

Magnus let the tears go now, knowing that, even though they haven't officially called off their friendship, his hand had slipped off the edge and he lost all hope he had left. In fact, the hand that had been there left. They let Magnus slip right through their fingers and make him plummet down into the water. And the worst of it all was that Alec didn't even shed a tear. Magnus took a deep breath, “I hate you, Alec Lightwood. I fucking hate you.”

“Get out of my house,” whispered Alec, looking down at his laptop again. “And don't come back.”

Magnus nodded slightly before running out, putting a hand over his mouth to stop his sobs from being heard, but in reality, it only made it worse. He heard Isabelle's door open and frantic footsteps running down the stairs, but he just ignored them and ripped open the door, running out into the pouring rain in his socks.

“Magnus!” yelled Isabelle. Magnus stopped and turned around, ignoring the figure in Alec's window and looking at Isabelle standing on her porch. “Come back! He didn't mean it!” He shook his head and wiped his eyes, knowing very well that he just wiped away the remaining makeup he had left.

“Magnus Bane!” yelled a man behind him. Magnus turned around, his breathing heavy and tears in his eyes as he stared at his father, who had the angriest glare in his eyes that he has ever seen. He walked forward and grabbed his wrist harshly, “Apakah saya memberitahu Anda bahwa Anda bisa meninggalkan rumah?!” ( _did I tell you that you could leave the house?!_ )

( _no, father._ )  
“Tidak, ayah,” whispered Magnus. His father began walking, pulling Magnus with him, and he risked a glance behind him. When he did, Isabelle was staring at him with sympathy in her brown eyes and Alec, who was standing in the window, was no longer there.

**“Heartbreak is the definition of two best friends arguing.”**

**‒ what my ex‒best friend once told me before we parted ways.**

“What. The. Actual. Fuck?!” yelled Isabelle, slamming open Alec's door with the angriest look he has ever seen on her. “You're a fucking dickhead, Alec.”

He never said anything besides kept his watery eyes on his laptop screen, staring at absolutely nothing. “I know,” he whispered, and he saw Isabelle immediately soften. She sighed and walked around the bed, shutting down his laptop and grabbing his hand after. He let out a sob, “I'm sorry.”

Isabelle pulled Alec into a hug, rubbing her hand up and down Alec's back. “I'm not the one who needs to hear that, Alec. Magnus needs to,” He nodded against her, his sobs sounding muffled, “Why were you being so harsh?”

“Dad… He cheated on Mom,” whispered Alec. Isabelle wasn't shocked, didn't freeze, didn't do anything as she already knew. She could tell by the look in his eyes that he was no longer in love with their mother. You could tell in his eyes that he wasn't the man his mother first set eyes on, “They're getting a divorce and it all just sucks and I was mad…”

“Shhh, it's okay. You just… you need to tell Magnus that you're sorry, okay? And that you didn't mean it…” He sniffed and nodded against her shoulder, “He looked so broken, Alec,” tears came in her eyes, “He looked as though you pushed him off the edge of a cliff…”

“I know. I'm so sorry,” whispered Alec, pulling back and wiping his nose. Isabelle gave him a small smile before getting up and walking to the door. She paused at the door frame and turned around, “He loves you more than anything, and, I feel like if you don't save him now…” she took a deep breath and looked at the concerned expression on his face, “It will be too late.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, reaching over for his phone blindly. She swallowed thickly.

“I think he's gone through a lot these past couple weeks, and, it seemed to me like you were his only hope. And now? He thinks you're gone for good,” she said. Isabelle saw Alec's heart crack slightly in his eyes before he looked down at his phone, “Goodnight, Alec,” and she walked out of the door.

**“there it goes again. that heavy feeling in your chest when you don't feel any desire to speak or move. all you want to do is close your eyes and sleep because the process of being broken is incredibly exhausting. you attempt your best to make your days fulfilling, but no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to connect to anyone or anything.”**

Throughout the whole beating he received, Magnus made no fight to stop it. He didn't let a word, a scream, or a groan of pain leave his mouth, because he deserved it. He didn't fight when his father threw him against his mirror again, didn't fight when his father kicked him in the stomach, didn't fight when he got another punch to the face and didn't fight the words being thrown at him.

( _you don't deserve to live._ )  
“kamu tidak layak untuk hidup.”

( _everybody in the universe believes you're a monster._ )  
“semua orang di alam semesta percaya bahwa Anda adalah monster.”

( _nobody loves you._ )  
“tidak ada yang mencintaimu.”

Because everything was true. Magnus really doesn't deserve to live, and he has no reason to. His mother is gone, his father hates him, Ragnor and Catarina despise him, the school thinks Magnus is a cheat even when the proof got out that Camille was a cheat, and Alexander doesn't love him.

Magnus doesn't know why it took him so long to realize, but, now he knows that Alec never loved him in the first place. Nobody did.

If they did… His life wouldn't have ended up like this; _Broken_.

**“I'm done.**

**Crying,**  
**Fighting,**  
**Trying.**

**I'm just done.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will most likely not be posting tomorrow and Thursday as I am going to sleep around a friends house, but I will be writing a few bits and pieces there so I have one ready for you guys on Friday (or Thursday depending on what time I get back.)  
> Have a great couple days, loves. See you soon with the next heartbreaking chapter! Xox


	7. Chapter Seven- Atelophobia

**Atelophobia;** _the fear of the truth._

**“Darling, you feel too heavy because you are too full of the truth.”**

Magnus didn't know how many times he checked the mirror clenched in his hand, but he knew it was a lot due to the aching of it. Whenever he walks past somebody, he can't help but feel as though they can see his bruises, see the cuts his father made. He was scared that they would say the one thing he dreaded to hear from anybody but himself,

“He deserves it.”

Many people in the school believed that Magnus truly did deserve pain due to the rumors spreading around like wildfire, and even with the proof of Camille saying that she cheated, he was the one who deserved the marks on his skin instead. It was ridiculous, but, everybody knows she’s the queen of the school. A manipulative, cheating queen.

He walked over to his locker and opened it the quickest he ever has, sticking his head inside slightly and taking deep breaths. He can't fathom the thought of somebody seeing his bruises - Alexander seeing his bruises. It made Magnus feel weak and somehow vulnerable. He heard the laughter and the chatter all around him, and he hated it. His mind played tricks on him, making him think that they're talking about the marks on his body.

The ones that he should've received a long time ago.

And maybe they were, but he just didn’t know about it

He distantly heard the sound of Simon and Isabelle's laugh and froze. Alec was around. Alec, the boy who Magnus thought loved him. The boy who proved Magnus wrong in the cruelest, harshest way humanly possible. The words still echoed in the back of his mind.

It's weird being in school without running over to Alec and hugging him, or walking to his own locker and seeing no one there. He could probably get used to it as he'll have to eventually.

It's crazy when you think about it. Yesterday, Magnus was okay. He was happy to see Alec and excited to talk to him, but now… He's afraid that he can't even cast a glance without bursting into tears.

Magnus wasn't a weak person before everything happened, but now, he's as weak a playdoh being ripped apart. When the school speaker went off, the hallway chatter died down. “Hello, students of Idris Academy!”

It wasn't Mr. Morgenstern. Instead, it was Jonathan, his son. He saw the confusion in everybody's eyes and closed his locker shut, leaning against it and crossing his arms over his body. It was like a shield to him. One that attempted, and failed, to keep the rude comments and mean glares away from his fragile body.

“You’re probably wondering why I'm on here, and that's because I am going to tell you a certain somebody's interesting backstory,” Magnus froze. “You have a lot of drama and… Bad things that have happened, huh, Bane?” He felt all the eyes turn to him, but he couldn't move. He was rooted to the spot. Almost like Jonathan put superglue there to make sure he didn't leave, missing the show.

“Those of you who were in Magnus’ class last week, you probably wondered why Magnus ran out so suddenly when the teacher told him something had happened to his mother. Can you guys take a guess what happened?” Jonathan chuckled, and Magnus flinched. He felt himself trembling, “She died, but the best part about this story is that she actually killed herself-” The gasps around him made the first single tear drop from his eye, “- because he was too much to handle.”

You could hear a banging on the speaker and Jonathan chuckled, “It seems like somebody is waiting outside for me, so I'll make it short,” Magnus swallowed thickly and pushed himself off the lockers, picking up his bag, “A beautiful couple of friends told me that your stepfather is back in town. You know, the one who used to abuse you and your poor mother,” Magnus started walking to the school entrance as a tear dropped. “I guess he still does prove by the way you've looked recently and by a little convocation I heard. ‘No, Papa’,” Jonathan chuckled before the speaker cut off and the halls were completely silent.

Magnus stood rooted in the middle of the hallway as he heard someone call out, “You're fucking disgusting, man. Making your mom commit suicide? That's fucked up.”

“I-I didn’t-”

“You deserve to die you worthless piece of shit.” Magnus turned around at the voice realized people were starting to make a circle around him. “Fucking bitch.”

“You should be the one dead, not your mom. She was special and kind, unlike you. Fucking faggot.”

“I hope your dad ends up killing you.”

“Why are you even still here?”

“Disgusting little fuck.”

And as Magnus heard all the words being thrown at him left and right, he thought that his nightmare had come to life. People believed that Magnus deserved it, and nobody was coming forward to stop it. As he looked back ahead of him, he saw Alec, Isabelle, Jace, Simon, and Clary all standing at the front. A front row seat.

When Jonathan pushed himself through the crowd of people, he chuckled and leaned forward. “You messed with the wrong person, Bane,” he whispered in his ear. Magnus felt the rage spread through him like a wildfire and he ran forward, throwing Jonathan onto the floor and punching him over the face again and again and again until his hand went numb and hands wrapped around his waist, pulling him off.

“Mr. Bane! To my office, now!” yelled Mr. Morgenstern. Magnus was breathing heavily as he stared at Jonathan's bloody face in rage. He wiped at his face, which took off the makeup on his bruises, and pulled himself out of the grip around his waist, turning around and finding it out that it was Ragnor.

Magnus ran forward and grabbed his shirt in his fist, pulling it slightly and letting all of his tears and emotions slip out of me, “You told him! You're the only one who knew about my dad and Catarina was the only one who knew about my mother!” cried Magnus, but he made it low enough that only Ragnor could hear it. “I hate you! I hate you!” He let the tears slip down and his fists relax as he felt other hands around his waist.

“Do not touch other students! You just attacked my son!” yelled Mr. Morgenstern, pulling Magnus by the waist backward. Magnus said nothing but turned around and looked at the crowd disappear except for Ragnor, Catarina, Alec, Isabelle, Jace, Clary, and Simon. He saw Alec's eyes grew wide slightly as Magnus turned around and Alec saw the slightly bruised skin underneath his smudged makeup. “Turn around!”

Magnus ripped himself away from Mr. Morgenstern and began walking towards the entrance, the tears still streaming down his face. “Mr.Bane! If you walk out of those doors, I’ll call your home!” Magnus chuckled and stop, and turned around.

He threw his hands up in the air and shrugged, “I don’t care anymore,” the group of people left formed a circle around the Principal, “Do what you want. My father doesn’t care, everybody knows my past, and I have no friends here anymore, So-“ Magnus took a deep breath and turned his gaze to Alec, the two locking gaze for the second time today. “-Goodbye.” Magnus turned back around and began walking, and he prayed that someone would run forward and stop him from walking out of those doors. To stop him from walking away from life. But nobody came.

When Magnus arrived at the school entrance, he didn’t look back. He pushed open the school doors and walked out. He didn’t want this to happen- he wanted to be alive, but he feared that nobody was coming forward to stop him. They all let him go when he needed them most.

“Sometimes all you can do is smile. Move on with your day, hold back the tears and pretend you’re okay.”

As the crowd of people watched Magnus leave the school, none of them moved before Alec turned around to Ragnor and Catarina, who was on his right, with gritted teeth, “Did you tell him?” asked Alec. Ragnor and Cat turned to him, their expressions sad but confused. “Did you fucking tell Jonathan?!”

“Yes!” screamed Catarina, hands going in the air and catching the attention of the rest of the group, “I told Jonathan, and you wanna fucking know why? Because Magnus was fucking harsh! Screaming at me for not telling him something was a pathetic reason to stop being friends with someone, but he deserved-“

“Magnus didn’t deserve anything, you coward!” screamed Alec. Tears were rushing to his eyes at even the thought- the reality. “Magnus’ past is his past! His story to tell! Not yours!”

“Alec-“

“No!” yelled Alec, slapping away Jace’s hand and taking a step forward towards Cat and Ragnor. “You have no right to expose him like that. To expose his traumatizing past like it’s no big fucking deal to you! How would you like it if I were to tell everybody about your past?”

Catarina scoffed, “Mine wasn’t bad!”

He forced out a chuckle that was clearly fake mixed with pure anger, “Well lucky _fucking_ you!” Alec took a step forward, “He has done nothing wrong and you're fucking-“

“Did nothing wrong?” laughed Ragnor, talking for the first time this argument. Alec snapped his head towards him and raised his eyebrows. “He phoned up Catarina screaming at her for something he shouldn't be blaming her for and started calling her a bad friend. I wouldn't exactly say that he was innocent,” Alec's eyes went slightly and he turned his head to Catarina, scoffing.

He shook his head in disbelief and anybody who looked at her would see the guilt on her face. “You _dirty liar_!” screamed Alec. Before anybody could get any words in, the Principal came back out from his office, glaring at Alec angrily. “Is Jonathan excluded?”

Mr. Morgenstern straightened his jacket, “No, he is not. It was self-defense as he explained that Magnus has been bullying him for weeks now,” Isabelle, Jace, Clary, Simon, and Alec's mouth all fell agape. “My son says that he has been throwing paper balls at him, making rumors, throwing him into tables, and much more.”

This time, it wasn't Alec who snapped. Instead, it was the least expected.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” asked Simon, raising his eyebrows. Everybody's heads snapped towards his, absolutely shocked that he would swear at the teacher, let alone talk to him. “Jonathan has been doing nothing but tormenting Magnus for the last couple of weeks now, and you're really going to fall for his lies?” he looked upwards and pointed to a camera, “You have cameras here!”

“Mr. Lewis, I can assure you I have checked through the surveillance footage-”

Simon changed his gaze to Jonathan, “Does your son have any way to get hold of this footage?” Jonathan's jaw clenched. Mr. Morgenstern sighed, holding his own hands in front of himself.

“Not that I am aware of but-”

“Not that you're aware off,” repeated Simon, nodding his head. “I just wonder if there is any missing footage missing throughout the start from when Magnus started coming back to school,” Simon held up his hand, “But don't just look for Jonathan. Look for Camille, his new girlfriend, and Sebastian…” Simon smiled, “His ex.”

Jonathan lunged forward, hands in a firm fist that made his knuckles turn white ready to attack, but Jace jumped in between them while Valentine wrapped his arms around Jonathan, pulling him back before immediately taking his hands off him and stepping away slightly. “I'll make sure to check it out, Mr. Lewis. Thank you,” he said, before walking off.

“Fuck you, you ugly nerd,” snarled Jonathan while trotting off.

“Just because I have brain cells doesn't make me a nerd, dickhead!” replied Simon. Jonathan ignored them and turned the corner, and Jace high fived him. Simon turned to Alec with furrowed eyebrows, “Wait, you and Magnus are arguing?”

When Alec opened his mouth, Isabelle turned around and sighed, “Go and find Magnus, okay? He needs somebody right now. He needs you right now,” Alec sighed and nodded. Recently, he knew Magnus had absolutely nobody. His parents weren't there for him, his friends weren't there, and Alec himself wasn't there. He turned around and left the school with a heavy feeling in his heart.

**“Sometimes you don't realize you're actually drowning when you're trying to be everybody else's anchor.”**

As Alec ran up to the house he was very familiar with, he slowed down and began to catch his breath. He ran his hands through his hair and walked up to the door, his heart beating fast from the running and by the fact that he was nervous, and raised his knuckle. He let it linger in the air for a couple of seconds, but when he began bringing it down, he froze.

The door was already slightly open.

Alec furrowed his eyebrows and pushed the door open slightly, “Hello?” yelled Alec, but he got no reply. He pushed it further open and stepped a foot inside and instantly smelled alcohol lingering in the air. His hazel eyes curiously scanned the room and saw the mess.

Empty, and probably some filled, beer bottles were left all around the floor, on the table, on the chair, and on pretty much every surface in the living room that you could name and had a flat surface area. He stepped further inside, giving the bottom floor one last scan before changing his direction and walking up the stairs.

As he walked up slowly, he saw little drops of blood stained into the carpet and his eyes went slightly wide. Alec honestly thought that Jonathan was lying just to get some stupid rumors around, but it turns out he was true. And the worst of all of it was the fact that Catarina and Ragnor done nothing to stop it.

When Alec reached the top of the stairs, he realized that if Magnus or his step-father wasn't in his room, then the house must've been completely empty. He took a deep breath before opening the door with his eyes squinted slightly. When the door was pushed open fully, he gasped at the state of it.

The night that Alec had to leave his house when his step-father arrived, Magnus' room was clean. Now...it was a complete tip. He flinched and jumped back slightly when he saw the state of the mirror and put a hand over his mouth, tears forming in his eyes. He stepped forward, closer towards it, and let out a small sob.

The mirror was completely shattered and, if you looked closely, you could see blood on the sharp edges of the glass. Alec felt rage and sadness rush through him and he ran back downstairs and out of the door. He pulled out his phone, calling Isabelle. “He's not there.”

“It's okay, Alec. He's going to be fine,” she said. It was scary that she knew his emotions at this exact moment, but, if you loved someone, you would worry. You would tear the world apart just to find them, and that's exactly how Alec felt. “He knows how to take care of himself.”

But all Alec could see when he closed his eyes was the shattered glass with bloody ends.

**“I think the greatest thing you ever taught me is that you could give so much of yourself to someone and it still won't be enough. And I'm sorry that _I_ was not enough.”**

_“My stepfather abuses me, my friends don't care about me, I'm getting bullied and I-”_

_“Are you getting physically bullied, sir?”_

_“Yes. Well, lightly. It's not every day. It's the verbally every day.”_

_“You should try and tell a teacher, the principal, a trusted adult, a parent.”_

_“I… I can't tell anybody. All of the teachers hate me, the principal is my bullies son, I don't trust any adult, and my parent is abusive… I told you this.”_

_“Have you tried trying to actually talk to the principal about his son?”_

_“No… He will never believe me! He doesn't want to wreck the perfect reputation on the school because of his son…”_

_“How about trying to talk to one of your friends again? Try saying you're sorry and explain to them what's been happening? Oh, and have any of your friends seen the physical and verbal bullying happening?”_

_“Yes, they've seen-”_

_“You should try and talk to them. They will be supportive and understand that you're going through a rough time.”_

_“No, you don't get it… My best friend told me that he and none of my other friends care about the shit that I'm dealing with and to never talk to them again. And I know that they don't care, because if they did, they would've done something about the bullying. They would've stopped it when they saw it happening.”_

_“Maybe they are having their own problems right now, but you're their second priority.”_

_“That's the problem- I'm their second priority. I'm the second choice.”_

_“Is there anything you could do to stop the bullying?”_

_“...Change?”_

_“Then change.”_

_“What? I.. I can't-”_

_“Goodnight, sir.”_

_“No-”_

_The number you are trying to call is currently on the phone with somebody else. Leave a message after the beep._

_\------_

**"I feel like I am waiting for something that is never going to happen."**  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *DISCLAIMER*  
> I want you all to know that a hotline is not like this! I ran out of ideas on who Magnus could call, so I made it seem like he couldn't get help. I have never called a hotline myself, but I am still currently emailing the Samaritans (jo@samaritans.org) and they are very helpful! Never be afraid to call somebody to help when you need it :)  
> I love you all.  
> Have a great night! See you tomorrow X


	8. Chapter Eight- Metathesiophobia

**Metathesiophobia;** _the fear of change._

**“Someone asked me if I missed you. I didn't answer. I just closed my eyes and walked away and whispered;**  
**So much.”**

Alec walked into the coffee shop with his phone clenched tightly in his left hand, waiting for some kind of vibration that indicates a new message. He wants a message from Magnus, even if it's just a 'stop messaging me' one. He needs one. He sat down in the last seat next to Isabelle, who was sipping on her hot chocolate. “Any sign of Magnus?”

The whole group shook their heads. Alec sighed and dropped his head into his hands. It has been 2 days, which didn't seem like a lot when you thought about it, but in reality, it felt like years. “Where the hell could he be?” whispered Simon, dropping his chin into his palm. The question wasn’t rhetorical, but after 2 days with no message or sighting, it was a possibility that it turns into what he feared; unable to answer

“Well,” started Clary, who was sat opposite Simon and beside Jace, “If you’re running away from your problems, you gotta run away pretty far.” Simon let his hand dropped as he glared at her. She put her hands up as Catarina and Ragnor slid back into the stall, “Sorry.”

Alec’s head snapped up, “Wait, why would he need to run far if the drama was only in school?” The group all shared glances of confusion, some with discomfort. “What? It's outside of school, too?”

Isabelle sighed from beside him but never made eye contact with him. Instead, she kept her eyes on her empty cup, “Alec, the bullying wasn't just in school. People from around the streets would come up and hit him or say something rude to him for what he's wearing or how he looks, and it was online too,” She brushed a piece of hair back, “He kept getting… anonymous messages online from somebody. It didn't happen all the time but every time we were with each other it happened,” She then shrugged and looked at Alec, “I don't know what any of them said, but I know that they must've been bad due to the look on his face. Sometimes he even had to leave and go home.”

Ragnor nodded, “I thought he would've told you,” he said shrugging. “I mean, you two were best friends,” Alec glared at him and clenched his jaw. “What? It's not lying. You said some shit you didn't mean, he said some shit he didn't mean, and now you're not best friends.”

“Shut it, Fell,” threatened Isabelle before turning back into her calming self. “Who could it be, though?” The group was completely silent as they were lost in thought. Nobody really had any idea. That was until both Clary and Simon raised their heads.

“Jonathan,” they whispered.

Alec, and pretty much everybody else, shook their head in disagreement, “No, he wouldn't. Magnus didn't have anything against him then like he did now with Jonathan being gay or bi or… whatever he identifies as,” They both bit their lips and shook their heads.

“Jonathan… He raped somebody and Magnus was there.”

As each secret that Magnus knew was exposed by different people, Alec felt like he didn't know Magnus at all. Sure, everybody has secrets, but Magnus seemed like he had a whole different life from what he told Alec. He knew his past and he knew the things he went through, but he never knew any of the things they were telling him now.

Before, Alec never would've thought that he would've been getting disrespected just by walking down the streets or the fact that he was getting hurt online, too. Magnus… he was special, and kind, and different, and… vulnerable. Alec's eyes went wide and it sounded as though the whole coffee shop had quietened down, but they didn't. “He raped someone?!”

Clary put a finger over her mouth, “Be quiet!” she whispered. Alec swallowed thickly and nodded, looking around him slightly. “Magnus didn't recognize the girl as it was just another party where anybody could walk in, but, he was in the room. He was in the process of throwing up in the bathroom when they walked in,” she explained. “He didn't see it but… he heard it.”

Jace shrugged, “They could've just been having sex. He might not have forced himself of her,” everybody turned their head to Jace in disbelief, “What?! I'm not saying that Jonathan is innocent, but there have been many cases where I've heard people having sex.”

“This is different, Jace,” said Clary, “The girl was drunk out of her mind, and Magnus said that she didn't sound like she wanted it. She even told him to get off and leave her alone, but he never,” Jace formed his mouth into an 'O' shape and nodded. “Jonathan must've been threatening him to keep quiet.”

Alec shook his head and jumped out of the stall, “We need to tell the police.”

Isabelle's eyes went wide, along with everybody else's, and she grabbed his hand, roughly pulling him back in. “We can't, Alec. Magnus will get put in jail for being an accessory to rape,” Alec's eyebrows furrowed. Isabelle sighed, “He saw what happened and never told the police right away.”

He closed his eyes and let his head drop onto the back, closing his eyes to stop the tears from happening. He distantly heard Jace say something about telling Luke but they all knew, excluding Jace, that Luke wasn't a police officer back then, and he wasn't controlled by Valentine - who basically had control over every cop in the city, somehow. “Then where could he be?” whispered Alec.

When nobody answered, he knew that nobody had an idea, and that made everything worse in Alec's heart. The fact that the last memory of him and Magnus talking was Alec shouting horrible words and excuses towards him, and the last time locking eyes was when Magnus was getting pulled away from Ragnor with tears down his face, makeup smudged, and bruises showing.

Jace sighed, “Maybe he's at school. I hear that, sometimes, homeless people hang out in the school's janitors closet or under the stairs?” Alec put his head back down, opening his eyes and giving Jace a filthy look.

“Magnus isn't homeless,” snarled Alec. “He has a home which he isn't safe in. That isn't-”

“That's homeless, Alec,” stated Ragnor. Alec huffed in annoyance and rolled his eyes. He probably sounded like a kid, huffing because he's wrong, but he doesn't care. The only thought on his mind is Magnus.

Jace sighed, “Whatever. As I was saying, people who don't feel safe in their homes-” He glared at Alec who rolled his eyes, “-they usually hang out in school because they have nobody else to go.”

The group nodded and got out of the shop, walking to school without a word slipping out of their mouths. It was awkward in a way, but they all needed it. They all needed time to think.

**“It would be too easy to say I'm invisible.**  
**Instead, I feel painfully visible, and entirely ignored.”**

Magnus sat at the bus stop with his arms wrapped around him, shivering slightly. He wished that he ended up picking a thicker shirt, or at least a jacket, but he never. He had been in a rush. His eyes scanned the empty streets of a random city he traveled to and swallowed thickly. When he closed his eyes, he could just picture what the reactions of other people would be like when he walks into school.

He isn't wearing makeup, and although his bruises aren't as noticeable, there were new ones all over his body, especially on his collarbones and back of his arms. For some reason, throughout being in this town, the number of people that have come up and grabbed Magnus forcefully, like they were trying to achieve something, was off the scales. After 13, he had begun to stop counting.

And, the weirdest of all, he was wearing fully black clothes with his hair completely limp and free of any product. It was rare when he did this, and he hadn't done it in so long that he actually forgot the feeling. Although when the wind blew through it, it was annoying, he loved it. It made him feel as though he was free, in some kind of stupid way.

When the bus arrived, he jumped off the seat and walked to now open doors. He smiled at the bus driver slightly, “Can I go to Brooklyn, please?” The man scanned him all over the face before nodding without a smile. Magnus' smile drops and he hands over the money. “Thank you,” mutters Magnus.

Before the man hands over the money, he gives Magnus a tight smile, “You alright, kid? You look pretty beaten up,” Magnus' mouth fell agape slightly, seeing only his teeth, before he closed it and nodded slightly, taking the money from his open hands before walking to the back of the bus.

He sat down in one of the old looking seats behind a woman who looked in her late 40s and dropped his backpack onto the floor with a sigh and a slight groan. He closed his eyes and let his eyes slip shut slightly before the bus began to drive off. He opened his eyes when he felt a slight tap on his shoulder. “Do you mind if I sit here?” the woman asked.

Magnus shook his head with a tight smile and confused eyebrows, “Sure, but, isn't there like… 20 other seats you can sit in?” The woman nodded before plopping down next to him and shrugging.

“I wanted to talk to you,” she turned to face him with a smile and looked at his bruises, “I know this sounds creepy and weird, but, I know who you are, Magnus. You don't need to look so afraid,” Magnus wasn't afraid before, but he sure was now. A random woman, who randomly found him on the bus, knew who he was. “You're all over social media.”

“I am?” he asked. She nodded and whipped out her phone, putting in her pin and pressing onto Facebook, “What are they saying? Is it bad?”

She scrolled down before stopping on one and turning her phone around, “Some are, yes, but most people are just concerned about where you. Apparently, you left school without a word and nobody has seen you for 2 days,” she scrolled down to another one, which was harsh, but he ignored it and nodded.

“Yeah,” he forced out a chuckle and kept his eyes on his phone, “Jonathan Morgenstern, who is in my school, exposed my really bad past to the whole school, and… let's just say I was getting tortured because of it,” her mouth fell into an O shape but no words came out.

“I know Jonathan, the fucking douche,” she muttered, shaking her head and slipping her phone into her pocket, “He bullied me and my best friend, Jem. He literally had no reason to do it, but he did, and we had to leave school because the head teacher was his father,” she paused, “Is the principal still his father?”

Magnus nodded, “Unfortunately so, yes.”

The woman made a hissing noise, “I'm sorry… That must be hard. He probably didn't give him a sanction for it, did he?” Magnus shrugged.

“Honestly, I don't know. I walked out of that pit of hell before they could say anything about it, but it probably didn't happen anyway,” She furrowed her eyebrows and tilted her head to the side, “I basically pounced onto Jonathan and beat the shit out of him then went over to my friend Ragnor to shout at him, because him and Catarina were the ones to tell him about my past, and then he pulled me off but it sounded to me as though he was blaming me for that happening.”

When the bus came up to a stop only a couple blocks away from his school, he stood up and slid past the woman. “Well, it was nice meeting you….”

“Tessa,” she smiled, “It was nice meeting you, Magnus. Try not to beat the shit out of Jonathan today, alright? Better safe than sorry,” she said. Magnus chuckled the first genuine one in ages, before walking off and out of the bus. When he stepped out, he took a deep breath and walked his way over to the school.

**“I'll be alright. One day. _Just not today._ ”**

When Magnus reached the school, he peeked his head in the window and sighed in relief when he realized that the hallways were empty; meaning everybody was already in class. He stepped inside, but instead of walking to class, he walked over to the principal's office and knocked on the door. “Come in!” Mr. Morgenstern yelled.

Magnus opened the door carefully, trying his hardest not to press onto the bruises and cuts on his hands, and stepped in. The Principals head was down but when Magnus purposefully slammed the door shut to make a loud bang, he looked up with wide eyes which went even wider when he saw Magnus. “Mr. Bane…”

“Hello, Sir,” said Magnus, walking forward and sitting down in one of the chairs in front of his paper filled desk. Magnus opened his backpack and pulled out paper balls and his phone which was, luckily, connected to the school wifi. He placed them onto the only free space on the desk with a slight smile, “I am here to talk about your son, Jonathan.”

Mr. Morgenstern looked down at the phone and paper before looking back at Magnus' bruised face, “And what does my son have to do with paper balls and your phone?”

“I am here to show you what your son has been treating me like,” replied Magnus, and when Mr. Morgenstern heard it, he shook his head rapidly. “What? You're going to take your son's side, the one who bullied me every single day since I've been back, over the boy who is innocent?”

The Principal sighed, “I am not here to take sides. I am here to protect my son from people like you−”

“People like me?” yelled Magnus, pushing his chair back and standing up, slamming his hands onto his desk, “What, people who are physically bullied? People who have been abused? People who have a bad past?!” He was getting angrier by the second, “Well, guess what, sunshine,” he snarled, “Your son doesn't have a pretty side from any angle,” He picked up his phone and slipped it into his pocket.

“What is that supposed to mean?” asked Mr. Morgenstern. Magnus could see the fear and slight panic rising on his face.

Magnus scoffed, picking up his bag and walking over to the door. He opened it, ignoring the pain shooting through his arm, “Let's just say I've seen things of his that I've prefered not to see,” replied Magnus before walking out and slamming the door as hard as he could on the way out, leaving the paper balls there for him to read.

**“Tell me, when's it gonna change?**  
**Cause every single person keeps saying the same thing**  
**Stay strong now you'll make it through the pain,**  
**But it's hard to see the sun when you're living in the rain.”**

**\- Deep Rap About Depression by Zimm. (Song)**

“The reason why the movie 'The Tempest' changed most of the male characters to females was that people say, back in the day, Shakespeare always wrote men and barely ever had women in his plays,” The substitute smiled at the class. She was much smarter than their actual teacher, and the class actually listened to her, “But, back when they performed Shakespeare's plays back at his theatre, some women actually dressed up as men to‒”

Her speech was cut off when the school speaker went off, “Jonathan Morgenstern to the Principal's office, please. I repeat, Jonathan Morgenstern to the Principal's office. Thank you,” Jonathan, who was unfortunately in his class, stood up the second the door opened, and the whole classroom fell silent as a person walked in.

As _Magnus_ walked in.

Alec's throat went dry as he saw his bruised face and complete black clothes. Magnus was always a person of color, he loved it, and seeing him in full black… It made Alec's heart hurt. Clary, from beside him, gasped and from the corner of his eye, he saw her put a hand over her mouth.

As Magnus looked at Jonathan and was about to walk past him, Jonathan stopped him with a hand on his chest before whispering something in his ear. Magnus' facial expression didn't change but when he whispered back, Jonathans eyes went wide as he watched Magnus walk to the back of the room.

Magnus was originally sat where Alec was currently sitting, but without sending them a glance, he walked past them and went towards the opposite side from them. “Are you going to apologize for being late to my lesson?” asked the teacher, but Magnus ignored her and pulled out his pad, putting it on the table gently. The teacher sighed before continuing her lesson, but Alec's eyes were locked on Magnus.

In this new angle with the light shining down on him from the window, Alec could see the number of bruises on him. They basically covered his arms and his face, and Alec could see one on his left palm as he rested his head on his index finger and thumb. He stared down at the book with his pen in his hand, writing absolutely nothing, but just staring. He looked so deep in thought that Alec guessed that he was probably thinking about the past. “Mr. Lightwood? Mr. Lightwood…?”

When Magnus' head turned towards Alec, his mouth was left open as he just… stared. Magnus looked so broken with his empty eyes and big bags under his eyes. Alec was aware that everybody was staring at the two, but he didn't care. He cared about Magnus. Fucking hell, he loved him.

“Mr. Bane, please get back to your work,” said the teacher. Magnus tore his gaze away and looked at the teacher, furrowing his eyebrows.

“I'm not doing anything,” he said. Alec felt tears rising in his eyes as he heard his voice. God, he missed him so much. “I'm just looking,” Magnus' eyes kept flicking towards Alec, almost like he couldn't get enough of him, which annoyed the teacher even more.

“You're distracting a perfectly good student from his education, so if you could please turn away and get on with your own future and problems, that would be great,” Alec froze at the words the second Magnus did. Get on with your own problems. Alec's eyes went wide as he saw Magnus clench his jaw but went silent. Alec looked at the teacher as she smiled before walking back to the front of the room.

Now, as Magnus was in the room, everybody was distracted. By how he looks, how broken he sounds, the fact that he's back… It was perfect and terrible at the same time, for Alec.

Perfect that Magnus was back.

But terrible by how broken he was.

Alec knew it was because of him, and Jonathan, and the school, and his father, and maybe a billion other things as well that Alec doesn't know, but he hated it. He hated everything and he wanted to wrap Magnus in a warm blanket, fly him out to a country far away, and pamper him like he deserves.

As the bell went, Magnus immediately shot up with his pen and his pad in his hands and was walking towards the door. The teacher held up her hand, “The bell doesn't dismiss you, Magnus. I do,” she said.

“Have a nice day,” he said as he opened the door and walked out, blending with the crowd of students immediately. Alec quickly picked up his things and walked over to the door and heard the calls.

“Oooh, Magnus!”

“Maggie, come here babe!”

“Your mom is back here!”

“The abuser is back!”

“Abomination!”

Alec watched as Magnus stuck his middle finger up before turning the corner and walking into the bathroom. He swallowed thickly and turned to the group of boys who were all chuckling. He felt the anger rush through him and was about to *attempt* to beat the shit out of them but felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Go after him,” whispered Isabelle. Alec sighed and nodded, running down the hallway and pushing open the bathroom door. When he walked in, he saw Magnus splashing cold water on his face. “For fuck sake, Sebastian, will you just fuck−” The sentence died on his tongue as he opened his eyes and saw Alec. “Oh.”

“Yeah,” whispered Alec, looking Magnus up and down. Magnus swallowed thickly and bent down, picking his bag up and walking towards the door, “Magnus…”

He froze. “What do you want, Alec? Here to remind me that you don't give a shit and to tell me that I'm the problem in your life?” snarled Magnus. Alec swallowed thickly and shook his head.

“No, Magnus, I want you to know that I'm sorry−”

Magnus felt tears rising in his eyes as he tried to walk past Alec, but he held out his hand and stopped him. “I don't want your shitty excuse, Alec. I don't care that you don't love me, okay? You're happier without me and you never loved me−” He pushed Alec's arm out of the way as a tear dropped, “And as much as that kills me, I want you to be happier. And you're happier without me, so...” he opened the door but paused and turned to Alec. “Goodbye, Alexander,” he whispered before walking out of the door.

Alec watched him go, and as the door closed behind him, a tear dropped down his cheek. This time, his heart really did break. As he turned around and walked further into the bathroom, he placed his hands on the sink before looking up in the mirror.

And realizing he was looking into the eyes of a brokenhearted person.

**“Don't worry when if I argue with you. Worry when I stop because that means**  
**There's nothing left to fight for.”**

“Alec?” asked Isabelle softly as she knocked on his bedroom door. She heard a muffled groan from behind the door, “Are you okay? You haven't come out since you got home from school…” When she got no answer, she opened the door and felt her heart break slightly

Alec was lying face down on his bed with a picture of him and Magnus in his hand. She sighed and walked over, putting a hand on his back. “Oh, Alec…” Suddenly, vibrations were coming through his back and she saw his shoulders shaking. “Don't cry, Alec…”

He sat upright and put his back against the headboard, the tears still running down his face, “He hates me a−and there's nothing I can do about it!” he cried. Isabelle scooted closer and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into a hug. “He−He'll never forgive me for what I said… a−and I can't either…”

“No, Alec, you can, and so will he. He loves you just as much as you love him.”

Alec cried harder, burying his face in her shoulder and wrapping his arms around him tighter, “He doesn't know that… H−he believes that I don't love him and it−it hurts because I love him m−more than anybody else!” he cried, “I−I just want to hug him and tell him that everything's going to be okay but it isn't… it isn't because of me! It's−it's all my fault, Iz.”

Isabelle shook her head and felt tears rising in her eyes, “It's not your fault, Alec. You won't lose him.”

“If I lose him, I−I don't know what I'd do…” he sniffed, the sobs died down slightly. “He's my smile, my laugh, my soulmate, my−my best fucking friend and...I love him. I love him so much,” he whispered, tears still falling. “I love him more than a friend, and I've lost him.”

His voice was small, broken, and fragile and quiet, but Isabelle heard him. He didn't freeze and he didn't hold back while saying that he loved Magnus, and Isabelle smiled knowing that it must have taken everything to know that. “I know that you love him, Alec,” She felt a tear roll down her cheek at how broken he was. She hated seeing Alec, or anyone, like this. Nobody deserved it. “He loves you too, okay? He's going to be okay. You're _both_ going to be okay.”

Alec held onto her and closed his eyes, praying that he and Magnus would be okay.

Praying that he didn't lose his other half forever.

**“I think the hardest part of losing someone isn't having to say goodbye, but rather trying to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that's left inside your heart when they go.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like this chapter as it took a long time and was the longest one I think I've written so far!  
> Any advice you guys would like to give or any opinions?  
> Happy pride month, to my fellow bisexuals and any other LGBTQ+ person out there!  
> Never be afraid to be you <3  
> Have a great day/night X


	9. Chapter Nine- Aquaphobia

**Aquaphobia;** _the fear of water._

**“Stop asking me to trust you while I'm still coughing up water from the last time you tried to drown me.”**

As Magnus walked down the narrow hallways of the school, he couldn't help but think about how everything changed so quickly for him, and how everything started off with a bunch of stupid, fake rumors. He hadn't expected it to get worse, but it did. In school, outside of school, and at home. The horrible words, pushes, glares, and everything else that tagged along with that followed him wherever he went.  
  
People usually say you get over it or everything will be okay in the end, but the question on Magnus' mind is one that he makes him fear the answer. He stuck his hand into his jacket pocket and tightly squeezed the paper. It was probably crumpled now so that he couldn't read it, but, he needed something to hold onto. Even if he was just walking down the hallway of the schools, anything could happen that he didn't see coming.

On his way to 2nd class, he changed his directions and walked into the bathroom, locking himself in a stall and quickly pulling out the piece of paper. He sat down on the closed toilet seat as he scanned his eyes over it, breathing heavily;

_Reasons Why Not;_

_Mom_  
_Even though she isn't here, she wouldn't want me to end the way she did. She loves me and I love her. I wish she knew that I did before she left._

_Dad_  
_I don't know who my real one is or whereabouts in the world he's living but I don't think he would want this for me. I don't think he would want this on anyone, in fact. Nobody should._

_Dancing_  
_I love dancing and I'm good at it. I love performing and maybe I could join a dance club or dance professionally on my own for an audience. I don't know yet, though._

_London_  
_If I focus on my education then I could soon be able to fly to London and maybe start a new life there with a job, a husband or wife, a pet, or maybe even a child. My life would be new and fresh and I would be away from all of my problems here._

_Alexander_  
_We both said some things that we aren't proud of but I know he didn't mean it. I think he didn't mean it, anyway. If I left while we were on bad terms, he'd blame himself. And it wasn't his fault. He's a great guy and maybe we are meant to be together. I don't know, but I wouldn't if I wasn't there._

_Group of friends_  
_I know that they all don't hate me and they would probably miss me if I were gone. I was always the enthusiastic and fun one on the table. That's what Clary said, anyway._

_Love_  
_I could possibly find the love of my life and everything could turn in a better direction. I think I've already met him, but I don't think he loves me back. It's a possibility, though._

_Maybe_  
_Everything will really turn out okay and I can live my life happy like I've always wanted._

When he finished reading, he heard the restroom door open and students walking in, laughing about something. Magnus quietly climbed onto the toilet seat, making sure that his feet couldn't be seen. He was already on the end stall, he that doesn't mean they couldn't see him. “What did that prick whisper in your ear yesterday, anyway?”

Wow, classic. They were talking about him. They being Sebastian, Jonathan, and probably more jocks in the school. “He knows about me and that girl at the party before school started,” The tap began running, “You know, the girl I had sex with in your room?” He practically heard the confusion in Sebastian's voice when he spoke again.

“Weren't you and Camille just having sex? What's wrong with that?”

Magnus' throat went dry and he put a hand over his mouth. The girl who looked so out of her mind and unrecognizable at the party was Camille. The girl who didn't seem to know anything about it.. “You know she didn't want it, Seb. I wanted to fuck and she didn't but I fucked her anyways,” Magnus hated at how casual is sounded coming out of his mouth like he had said that sentence before. It made him sick to the stomach.

“Oh, fuck. I didn't know you did that shit,” said Sebastian, whistling. Jonathan chuckled and the water stopped. “Have you fucked any other hot chicks who didn't want it?”

Jonathan hummed, “Fuck yeah. I'd count but there's too many,” Magnus felt a tear slip down his face and he was grateful that he hadn't put on makeup this morning. “I got close to Isabelle Lightwood but her dumbass brother got in the way. It's a shame because she is fucking hot.”

“Alec?” asked Sebastian. “He's friend with Magnus, isn't he?” He hated how easily the tables turned to him.

“I don't give a fuck about him,” snarled Jonathan, “My dad nearly got me kicked out of this school the other day because of him. He's a fucking slut who's probably fucked the whole school already,” Sebastian hummed.

Magnus shifted in his seat uncomfortably. “Are you gonna fuck any girls at the club tonight?” asked Seb.

“Hell yeah. Pandemonium is full of hot chicks and if they don't wanna fuck, I'm still going to fuck them,” laughed Jonathan, before the sound of a door opening was heard and they left. Magnus stayed frozen in a sitting position on the toilet for a couple of moments as he tried to process that Camille Fucking Belcourt was raped by Jonathan.

Camille Belcourt; the cheater, the woman who broke Magnus' heart, the girl that Magnus thought was evil was raped by Jonathan Morgenstern; the bully, the boy who pretends to be innocent, the rapist.

Not only did he rape Camille, but he has done it to many other girls, and Isabelle Lightwood could've been added to that long list of innocent women. He slipped his phone out of his pocket and let his feet drop to the floor with a loud thump and opened up his messages, tapping on Alec's name.

 **Magnus XOX:** _Thank you_

  
Magnus stared at his phone and waited for a message to come through from Alec, but nothing came. Part of him wanted to say that he was mad, but he had no right to be. Alec had the right to ignore him, and if that's something he's going to do, then Magnus is okay with that. Like he said to Alec the last time they spoke; if Alec is happier without him, then Magnus will have to learn to live with that.

He stood up and checked the time on his phone. 9:17 am. He was already 7 minutes late to class, but he didn't care. He walked out of the stall and out of the bathroom and began walking to his lesson when he felt a vibration in his pocket. He opened up his phone with a slight smile, thinking it was Alexander, but stopping in the middle of the hallway when he saw _Unknown._

 **Unknown:** _Tell me what you know about Jonathan._  
**Magnus:** _Do I know you._  
**Unknown:**   _I_ _can help you_    
**Magnus:** _I don't need anybody's help_

He slipped his phone into his pocket and continued walking to the door with a sigh. The person messaging was either Jonathan or somebody who knows he has something about him, and barely anybody does. He opened the door and stepped in. “Why are you so late, Mr. Bane?” asked his math teacher. Magnus sighed and sat down in his chair right next to the door.

“I was busy,” he said. The math teacher threw a bunch of paper on the desk. Magnus stared at it with wide eyes and an agape mouth. “What's all this?” he asked.

“That's everything you missed from not being here that you need to catch up on,” said the teacher. The class erupted into laughter, “That includes homework, which I want in all by the end of the week otherwise you'll get a detention.”

Magnus put his head on his hand, ignoring the pain. “This is so pathetic.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said this is pathetic,” said Magnus, stuffing the paper into his bag. From behind him, he distantly heard Alec laugh, and it broke his heart even more because 1) he was ignoring him, and 2) he was laughing at Magnus. When the teacher continued on whatever speech he said before Magnus came in, he pulled out his phone from his pocket and put it down on the chair, making it look like he just had his head down.

He sighed and opened up an email, but when the teacher turned around and saw Magnus, he walked over and grabbed the phone. “What are you-” The teacher cleared his throat, and Magnus went pale when he knew what was about to happen. “Give me back my-”

“”No need to be sorry, you explain yourself very clearly. These feelings, along with the feeling of not being loved by your friends and family must be very difficult to cope with Magnus. Does anything reassure you when you are feeling so low? For example, listening to music or hobbies,”” The class burst into laughter, while Magnus just felt numb. “”We hope we can support you when life is difficult, Magnus. Jo.”” The teacher looked down at Magnus with a cruel smile, putting his phone on the desk. “Now you know what will happen if you have your phone out in my lesson, okay, Mr. Bane?”

Magnus took his phone back, avoiding eye contact with the teacher, and putting it back into his pocket. For the first 5 minutes, nobody said anything, the class completely silent as they did their work, before somebody from the back yelled, “We can support you when life is difficult, Maggy,” and the class burst into laughter again. Magnus turned his head from the back, his eyes falling on Alec, and saw him with a grin on his face.

Alec turned his head from the side to the front and saw Magnus looking at him, and his smile dropped. Magnus stared in disbelief with tears in his eyes. Alec was smiling at the joke. He really didn't care. Simon, who was sat next to Alec, looked up from his work with a smile towards Alec. He saw him say something along the lines of, 'You okay, man?' before following Alec's eyes. Simon smiled at Magnus and waved, but Magnus turned away with a trembling chin and tears in his eyes.

He leaned down and grabbed his backpack, putting it on his back and getting up. “Where are you going, Mr. Bane?” asked the teacher. Magnus sighed and opened the door, adjusting the straps on his backpack.

“Home.”

“Do you even have a home?” Magnus froze halfway out the door, his hand on the knob and body almost out. He turned around in shock. “That's what the rumors have been saying anyway. About your parents?” Magnus didn't know if it was a question or a statement, but it was partly true. He really didn't have a home.

Magnus swallowed thickly, “Well the rumors are wrong,” said Magnus simply before walking out of the door without a glance at anybody.

**“I'm drowning, and you're standing three feet away screaming 'learn how to swim'**  
**What you don't know is, I'd rather drown.”**

Magnus pushed his house door open with a sigh as the rain started to drip from his damp clothes. He hadn't known that it was pouring out with rain. If he did, he would've never left school early, but once you walk out of the school, you're not allowed back in. He dropped his soaked backpack onto the floor with a sigh of relief as he stretched his back.

He ran his hands through his damp hair as he began walking towards the living room, but when he opened his eyes, he jumped back and put a hand over his mouth, eyes going wide.

On the couch was a woman with bruises all around her body, fresh cuts on her arms, dried blood stained into her hair, and completely naked. Magnus could see the dried blood that ran down her leg and felt the need to vomit. He walked closed and put his two fingers to her neck and breathing a sigh of relief when he felt a pulse. He heard a creaking from above his head and he looked up, swallowing thickly.

He walked over to the stairs and walked up carefully, avoiding the squeaky spots, and making his way over to the only closed the doors. He put his ear to the door and squeezed his eyes shut when he heard whimpering and sobs. He was going to leave it, thinking that his father was just having a one night stand, before he faintly heard, 'Get off me.'

Magnus' eyes went wide and quickly ran into his room, grabbing one of his heavy textbooks, before ripping the door open and throwing it on him. “Lepaskan dia!” ( _get off of her!_ ) yelled Magnus, picking up anything he could find and throwing it on his father. His father screamed in pain and got off her angrily, grabbing him by the neck and pushing him into the door.

( _you will not speak to me that way, boy!_ )  
“Anda tidak akan berbicara kepada saya seperti itu, Nak!” yelled his father before throwing him across the room, looking at him with the angriest eyes he had ever seen. Magnus stood up on shaky legs and looked at the woman who had fear and sadness written all over her. Tears began to blur his vision as he turned it back to his stepfather.

“Is this what you do because Mom is gone? You fucking force women into sex because you have nobody else to abuse?” whispered Magnus. He knew he was on a very thin line here, but all he wanted to do is shout at him. Scream at him until his voice box gave up and throat went dry. “What kind of father are you?”

His father took a stepfather, “You do not get to speak about your mother! You are the reason she is dead! You!”

“I was there for her when she needed it while you were somewhere else in the world, probably forcing women into sex and abusing people who didn't deserve it!” yelled Magnus. He felt the tears in his eyes run down his already wet cheeks. “I was there for her,” he repeated, voice low and broken. “You are the reason she's not here.”

His stepfather scoffed, “I don't nothing wrong, you oblivious child!” his father yelled. Magnus took a step back and flinched slightly. “The reason she is gone is you! She hated herself for giving birth to a filthy demon!” Magnus let a small sob leave his lips and he shook his head.

“No,” he whispered. “She didn't.”

“You know nothing about the times when I and your mother was in a healthy relationship,” he said. His stepfather laughed, “Oh, how she complained about you almost every second of the time we spent together!” His father walked forward but stopped only inches away from Magnus. “You're a repulsive monster.”

Before Magnus could ever cooperate what was happening, he lifted up his hand and slapped him in the face. His father turned back to face him with a red mark on his cheek and anger in his eyes. A second later, he got picked up and thrown into the window, cracking it a little. “You son of a bitch!”

His father grabbed a fistful of Magnus' hair and pulled him down the stairs violently. He ripped the door open, almost knocking it off his hinges, and pulling him until they reached a puddle of water beside their house. His father turned his around and gripped onto his neck, “You'll regret ever laying a hand on me!” before shoving him down into the water.

Magnus has held his breath under a pool before, this isn't like that. This is like having a gun to his head and telling him not to let his heartbeat. Of course, it's going to beat. And just like my heart must go on, my lungs will inhale whether it is air or briny water. In the moment that coolness rushes in, he knows he's dead. In moments he will float like seaweed, nothing more than flesh and bones ready to decay in the currents. He wants to be saved. He wants a rescuing hand to tow him back to life, to the world he knows, but he knows it's not going to happen,

He stops fighting and just stays led down with the hand forcefully wrapped around his neck. When he feels the cold coming near him, he's suddenly pulled out. Magnus takes deep breaths as his father stares at him, gritted teeth and empty eyes. He pulls him closer as he tightens his grip, making Magnus whimper in pain. “Never speak to me like that again, or you'll be in a body bag,” threatens his father, before he pushes him back into the water, but takes his hand back and walks back into the house.

Magnus floats to the top of the pond and pushes himself out with tired arms and shaky legs. The rain hadn't gone, in fact, it had only gotten worse. He pushes himself to a tree and leans his back against it, letting himself sob into his hands. He needs to get up, he needs to save the next rape victim, but he can't. He can't move. If he does, he's afraid he'll fall back down again.

He's completely and utterly useless.

**“'You seem very tired'**  
**'I am.'**  
**'What are you tired of?'**  
**I shrug, 'Everything.'”**

_Later that day._

Alec walked up to Magnus' house with shaky hands, he was mentally preparing himself to get shouted at. When he got onto the pathway leading up to his house, he saw little droplets of wet slowly drying up and furrowed his eyebrows. Rain, here, cleared up very fast, and Magnus' house was directly in the sun, and they were only tiny little dots leading all the way to his doorway. Weird. He knocked on the door. It swung open a second later but instead of Magnus being at the door, it was his father. “What?” he asked.

“Is Magnus here?” asked Alec. His father rolled his eyes and shook his head. Alec furrowed his eyebrows, disappointment clear in his expression. “Oh. Do you know where he is?”

His father leaned against the door and Alec could faintly see a hand mark on the side of his face. “He said he was going to some club to stop something from happening or some shit. I don't know. I don't give a fuck what he does or where he goes,” said the man, Alec couldn't help the hurt expression on his face. “What? Offended that I hurt your little boyfriend?” he rolled his eyes. “He's pathetic.”

“Mhm. It clearly must run in the genes,” responded Alec before turning around and walking away. He heard the door slam behind him but ignored it and pulled out his phone and called Isabelle. She picked up on the 3rd ring. “Call the rest of the group. We're going to pandemonium.”

“Pandemonium? Why?” asked Isabelle although he heard the sound of doors closing on the other side of the phone. He knew she was either walking to the car or walking to her shoes. “Should I dress up?”

Alec swallowed thickly, beginning to jog, “No, just tell the others to get here as soon as possible.”

A car door slammed, “What's happening, Alec?” He would smile at her concern, but this wasn't the time to smile.

“I need to save Magnus.”

**“Emotionally, I'm done.**  
**Mentally, I'm drained.**  
**Spiritually, I feel dead.**  
**Physically, I smile.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *DISCLAIMER*  
> Alec was not laughing at the joke the boy at the back made. Him and Simon were talking and Simon made a joke but Magnus looked around at the wrong time!!!
> 
> Also, I am pretty sure you guys know what is about to happen in next chapter and I'm sorry :( It won't be graphic!  
> Have a great day X


	10. Chapter Ten- Virginitiphobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING**  
> = Rape & Blood.  
> (Not graphic but could be offensive to some users!!)

**Virginitiphobia;** _the fear of being raped._

**“Why are people acting so scared of being falsely accused of rape when being accurately accused of rape has no negative consequence?”**

**\- @darliamalek**

When Magnus first set foot into the club, his eyes were blinded by the flashing blue, pink, purple, and white lights. He scanned his brown eyes across the club and realized that it would be harder to find him than he first thought. He walked over to the bar with a sigh and plopped down into a seat with his body facing the rest of the club in a way that made him see all around him. Pandemonium was a very popular place, but not even on the weekends would it be this crowded. Something must be going on tonight, Magnus thought.

As he rested his head in his palm, he felt kind of relieved that he was here. A part of him just wanted to drink and drink and drink until he forgot his own name and the world around him, but the other wanted him to make sure he protects any girls that Jonathan comes close too. If he is, anyway.

He kept his eyes on the dancefloor as he pulled a £5 and put it on the table when he saw a woman behind the bar coming closer to him. “Can I get something that isn't strong?” asked Magnus, blindly handing the woman the money. He saw her smile and furrowed his eyebrows but turned to face her.

“Magnus?” she said. This time, Magnus did turn around and a smile grew on his face. Tessa. “You look good. Have your bruises cleared up or is that really good makeup?” she asked, stuffing a rag inside a cup and spinning it around. He watched in satisfaction before giving her a smile. He turned his head back around, looking out into the enormous but growing crowd of people dancing, making out, sitting, or drinking.

“It's really good makeup,” agreed Magnus, chuckling lightly. There was a silence between the two for a moment, which was anything but awkward before she spoke up again.

“So, not that I don't enjoy seeing a friendly face, why are you here? You didn't exactly look like the party type the last time we met. You do now, but I'm not sure if this is just a… facade?” she asked. It was hesitant like she thought he would crack if she said something wrong or offensive. “No offense or anything.”

He smiled, putting his head in his hands. “I'm looking for someone, but, I'm not sure if they're going to turn up. They didn't really say which club so I just assumed they'd come to this one since, you know, it's very popular.” She nodded.

“Who are you looking for? I could ask Rob outside if he has already come in,” she asked. Magnus turned to face her, mouth slightly agape as he struggled to answer. He didn't exactly want to tell her the truth, but he didn't want to lie to her either. She furrowed her eyebrows with a slight chuckle, “Secret date?”

Magnus shook his head, “No, it's just…” He sighed and paused. “I'm looking for Jonathan.”

Her eyebrows lifted up as a small smile appeared on her features. “Jonathan? The douchebag you beat the shit out of?” she chuckled. Magnus smiled and nodded slightly. “Alright, I'll go ask,” She excused herself from the bar and quickly ran out. Only a couple seconds later, she came back and stuck her thumbs up to Magnus. “Rob said he came in around half an hour ago,” Magus gave her a smile and nodded. “I hope you don't mind me asking, but, why are you looking for the person you despise?”

“I overheard him and Sebastian talking about something and… I just need to protect somebody from something bad happening. I'm sorry. I don't really want to go into detail, but, I will once everything is over and done with,” She gave a smile and nodded.

“I don't have a clue what you're looking for but near the toilets, that's where a bunch of stupid jocks hangs around with girls, behind the DJ is a door, and if you go in there, it's a quiet place where people just drink and chill out and,” she pointed to one of the pair of stairs, “If you go up there, that's where people have sex. Once you open the door, you'll probably be able to hear it but if you don't, you turn right.”

Magnus nodded, looking directly at the stairs. “Thank you, Tessa.”

“I'll see you in a bit. I have to serve these drunks,” she said, rolling her eyes as she walked off. He chuckled lightly and took a swig of a drink he didn't know she placed there. Honestly, Magnus was scared. Scared of the girl and scared for himself. What if he couldn't save her? What if he only made matters worse?

He drank the rest of his drink in one go, grimacing as it burned his throat slightly, and put it back down on the table. When he looked back into the crowd of people, he saw the person he had been waiting for the entire night with a group of his teammates;

Jonathan Morgenstern.

**“Now, should we treat women as independent agents, responsible for themselves? Of course. But responsible has nothing to do with being raped. Women don't get raped because they were drinking or took drugs. Women do not get raped because they weren't careful enough. Women get raped because someone raped them.”**

**\- Jessica Valenti**

“Alec!” yelled Isabelle, trying her hardest to catch up with him. Clary, Jace, and Simon all rushed behind her slightly, worried expressions on their faces. “Alec, slow down!” Alec stopped and spun around. They could all see his tear stained cheeks but chose to ignore them for the moment.

“What?!” he yelled.

Isabelle took a deep breath while Jace took a step forward, “What's happening? What's wrong with Magnus?” Alec looked down as he felt tears rushing to his eyes at just the mention of his name.

“I… I don't know,” whispered Alec, looking back up. He began walking again, “Look, all I know is that Magnus is… he's in trouble. I don't know how or what's going to happen but I- I just feel it. I know something bad is going to happen and I want to save him this time. I need to save him.”

“This time?” asked Simon from his right. “What do you mean by that?”

Alec's chin began to tremble, and even if somebody was looking, he was glad that nobody commented on it. “He's been getting bullied for… for weeks now and I've done nothing to stop it because I'm this fucking idiot who-who doesn't know what the fuck I'm meant to do for-for somebody that I love even when I do know what I'm supposed to fucking-”

“It's okay, Alec,” said Clary, putting her hand on his arm. He didn't look at her but nodded. “He's going to be okay.”

When they reached the outside of the club, he ran to the first person he saw. “Excuse me?” he asked. The girl looked up and Alec could see her hands quickly covering her wrists. “Have you seen this boy come into the club?” he turned on his phone and showed her his background. Her eyes went wide slightly. “His-His name is Magnus.”

She swallowed thickly, closing her agape mouth, “I- Yes, I've seen him… I just- I don't know where he is anymore… I'm sorry,” Alec nodded, giving her a tight smile that only lasted for half a second, before walking into the bar, ignoring the calls from the person checking the ids.

  
**“I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY IT IS MORE SHAMEFUL TO BE RAPED THAN TO BE A RAPIST.”**

**\- Sara Erdmann**

After what felt like hours of waiting, Magnus saw Jonathan smile to his friends, giving them a wave and a wink, before pulling a drunk girl in his arms and carrying her bridal style up the stairs. Magnus swallowed the rest of his drink quickly, putting it on the counter, and jumped off his seat with his heart beating wildly. He walked into the crowd of mad dancers dancing to 'Gucci Flip Flops' and attempted to blend in.

He moved further into the crowd, keeping his eyes on Jonathan who was laughing at the girl in his arms pushing on his chest and swaying his hips to the music. When he opened the door and walked in, Magnus ran over to the stairs and walked up, his hands shaking as he placed them on the railing. He heard his name being called distantly but ignored it and opened the door. As he walked in, he realized Tessa was definitely wrong. He could hear it, and it very very loud.

Magnus flinched slightly when he heard Jonathan laugh followed by a door slamming. Luckily, he caught sight of the door and took a deep breath. He walked over, his legs threatening to collapse under him, and put his ear to the door. Before he even stormed in there and beat the shit out of him again, he wanted to make sure what was about to happen was actually about to happen.

At first, all he heard was pants and moans, until he heard a cry her whimper, 'Please don't' and ripped the door open. The door crashed into the wall, probably making a dent, as Magnus ran forward and crashed into Jonathan. Magnus pinned his hands above his head and turned to look at the terrified girl with fingerprint bruises on her hips and wrist. “Are you okay?” asked Magnus.

The girl shook her head, a sob flying out of her mouth, “I didn't want too…” she whimpered. Magnus nodded and swallowed thickly. He did it. He really did. A small smile rose on his lips.

“It's okay, we'll get you out of here,” said Magnus, nodding his head not only to reassure the girl but to reassure himself. He turned his head to Jonathan, “If you fucking move I will call the cops,” threatened Magnus, hesitantly taking his hands off his wrists to see if he moved, and he didn't. Magnus climbed off him, his eyes still on him, and held out his hands to the girl which she shakily took. “I'm Magnus. What's your name?” asked Magnus, taking his eyes off Jonathan for the first time.

“Maia Roberts,” she whispered. Magnus nodded and turned around, pulling her to the door. “Thank you so much for saving me… I don't know what I would've done if you weren't there,” she said. Maia walked to the door with Magnus' hand in hers.

“It's okay. I'm glad you're-” she said before Magnus' front was crushed in the door with a weight on his back, his hand still joined with Maia's. He heard her scream out in pain. As he tried to kick his foot back or move his arms to hit Jonathan away from him, he only pushed harder.

“Maia, sweetheart, let go of his hand,” said Jonathan, pulling down his zipper. Magnus felt tears rush to his eyes and he started frantically moving his arms and legs, attempting to find any way at all to free himself, but he couldn't. “Let go of his hand, Maia,” growled Jonathan.

“No!” she screamed. Magnus could hear the sobs through his voice. Magnus let out a shaky breath.

“It's okay, Maia, if you let go you can c-call the police- Ah!” he screamed in pain when a fist came in contact with his jaw. Jonathan laughed.

“If you don't let go of his hand I will fuck him until he's dead,” threatened Jonathan. “Oh, and don't call the police. Neither of you has any proof. Plus, they're brainwashed by my father, so, I couldn't really care what you do,” He acted so calmly. Magnus hated it. Hated him. “Now let go of his hand… Unless you want to hear it, of course?”

“I'm sorry, Magnus,” she cried, “I'm so sorry!”

He closed his eyes as a tear rolled down his cheek, “It's okay,” he whispered before his hand was empty and the door slammed shut. Magnus groaned in pain when a hand was in his hair and he was thrown onto the bed, face down in the pillow, with Jonathan following straight after and putting Magnus' hands together, gripping them tightly with one hand. He bent down and licked his ear, “I'm in control; so be a good boy and don't move your hands,” whispered Jonathan.

“Get off me, Jonathan,” whispered Magnus, attempting to pull at his hands. A second later, his jeans were down, somehow, and he froze. The panic rose in his more than ever, now. He started scrambling as more tears fell down his face, “Please, get off. Get off!”

“If you don't shut up, your precious Alexander will be next,” growled Jonathan, and that was all Magnus needed to be convinced that he wasn't going to get out of this.

He doesn't remember much. Actually, he remembers it all. The pain, the screaming, the moans and from Jonathan, the sound of skin slapping together, and everything else that tagged along, but, he tried his hardest not to remember any of it at all. When Jonathan pulled out, Magnus screamed in pain into the pillow, and only seconds later, the door slammed shut.

Magnus raised himself on shaky arms and turned himself around, seeing small drops of semen and blood. He sobbed and pulled his boxers up, followed by his jeans. He stood up and put a hand over his mouth to stop the sound of pain coming through him and walked over to the door. It's not that Magnus was a virgin, but, he had never done it bareback, or rough, or unprepped.

He walked over to the door and down the stairs with slight limp, silent tears falling down his face as he took deep breaths. When he walked near the bar, he saw Tessa catch sight of him and run over to him, touching him on the shoulder. Magnus flinched and jumped away, “Don't touch me… Please, don't touch me,” he cried.

Tessa took her shaky handoff and nodded, “What happened, Magnus?” Magnus shook his head and walked out of the club, ignoring the looks of disgust or confusion of people's faces. He realized, now, just how dark the world was. How nobody really cared about you like you did with others, how nobody cared about the fact that they risked their life for you, and how nobody cares about what you're going through until it's too late.

When he walked out of the club, Maia ran up to him with tear stained cheeks, “Magnus! I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry…” she repeated, but Magnus couldn't believe her. Nobody was sorry for what they did to Magnus, because if they were, they would've shown it at the moment the event was happening. He knew he shouldn't blame Maia, but he couldn't blame himself, either. “These… this group of people asked me where you were. One had a-a tattoo on his neck. I-I'll go get them, okay?”

“No!” yelled Magnus. Maia froze and turned back to him, “Just… Just don't talk to them or-or me… okay?” Maia's chin began to tremble before she nodded and brushed a piece of hair out of her face.

“I'm sorry…” she whispered.

Magnus' chin trembled, “I'm sorry, too,” he whispered, his voice breaking. They stared at each other for moments before she turned around and walked back into the club, leaving a broken Magnus behind.

**“Society teaches**  
_**DON'T GET RAPED** _  
**Rather than**  
**_DON'T RAPE._ ”**

Alec, Isabelle, Jace, Simon, and Clary had been looking for what seemed like ages, now, but he was nowhere to be seen. They had checked almost every place in the club, yet it was like he was invisible. Many people had seen him come in and drink or dance, but nobody saw him leave. “I don't think he was even in here in the first place,” sighed Jace, bringing the beer bottle to his lips.

“He was. I know he was,” said Alec, his eyes searching around frantically. His eyes landed on the door the second Maia walked in, tears dripping down her cheeks. Alec jumped up and walked over. “I'm sorry to bother you again, but, have you seen him? Have you seen Magnus?”

She burst into tears and put a hand over her mouth. “I'm sorry… I'm so sorry.”

The woman wiped her eyes and nose, looking up with the guiltiest eyes in the world that Alec had ever seen. “What are you sorry for? Did you see him and not tell us or something?”

“I need to show you something,” she said. Alec furrowed his eyebrows but nodded. She grabbed his hand and pulled him along the dancefloor, ending up in some people rubbing against him, but then being free from the crowd and walking up a pair of stairs.

“What are we doing up here? Somebody told me that this was where people had sex..” said Alec, but the woman ignored him and only pulled him along harder. When they reached an open door, the only open door, she pecked her head inside for a second before taking it back out, sobbing into her hand. “Is he… Is he in there?” She shook her head.

“No…” she grabbed his hand again and let her head drop down as she walked into the room, Alec following, and immediately when they entered, he smelt it. Blood and semen. His eyes went wide as she turned around to look at him… “I'm sorry…”

“You raped him?” whispered Alec. The woman's eyes went wide and she shook her head rapidly.

“No! God, no! He… Magnus saved me. He ran in and pushed the man off me and… I couldn't save him back,” cried the girl. She slid down onto the floor and put her head into her hands. “I'm sorry… I'm so sorry!”

Alec took a deep breath and knelt down next to her, putting a hand on her shoulder. “Who raped him?” She looked up.

“Jonathan.”

And time froze.

 

**"I felt like a prisoner; I felt like I was kidnapped and hiding in plain sight. I could have walked down any street of Manhattan at any time and said, 'I'm being raped and drugged by Bill Cosby' but who would have believed me? Nobody, nobody."**

 

**\- Barbara Bowman**

_**Year of Alleged assaults by Bill Cosby: 1985 to 1987** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry :(
> 
> Would you guys want me to make this longer by maybe writing his recovery and maybe stuff at court when they go?? I would love to do that, but I'm not sure if you guys would want that?? 
> 
> Also, I may not be posting as frequently now because I'm going back to school and I have my end of year tests so I need to revise for them. If I don't post day after day, it will probably be every other day. Thank you! X


	11. Chapter Eleven- Agoraphobia(1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***TRIGGER WARNING***  
> = Attempted Rape & Suicide

**Agoraphobia;** _the fear of leaving something behind. (pt.1)_

**“If this is how my life is going to be,**  
**I don't want it anymore.”**

“Hello, ladies and gents!” said Mr. Morgenstern in the school speaker. Magnus fiddled with a note in his right hand as he pretended to look for something in his locker with his left. “I am here to announce to you all that on December 4th at 7 pm, it is the winter formal!” The hallways cheered, bright big smiles on their faces. “There will be a prom king and queen and the ticket box will be run by my son, Jonathan Morgenstern,” Magnus flinched.

_“If you don't shut up, your precious Alexander will be next.”_  
_“Be a good boy.”_  
_“Don't move your hands.”_

He snapped out of his thoughts when the cheering was louder. He furrowed his eyebrows and turned his head to see Jonathan, Sebastian, and the rest of the jocks walking down the hallway. Magnus stared in horror as Jonathan looked at him, a smirk rising on his face as he looked Magnus up and down before walking past him, the smirk gone.

Magnus stayed with his head turned around, looking at the polished floor, before he changed his eye direction towards Alec, who was looking blankly at his locker, hands by his side. He ran his eyes up and down him, trying to take everything in all at once and as he looked back up at his face, Alec's head turned to him. Magnus' eyes went wide slightly and he gave a small smile, rocking on his feet before turning around and closing his locker. He twisted his body in a way that uncomfortable but done it anyways until his body was in the direction of Alec's.

He walked forward, legs shaking slightly. He came to a stop and saw that Alec had taken down the pictures of the two and felt his heart break slightly. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. “Hey, Alec,” he said, anyway. Alec turned to face him and Magnus saw how his pupils dilated and his fingers began to twitch slightly.

“Hey,” he replied softly. Magnus breathed a sigh of relief and a smile rose on his lips. “How are you?” he closed his locker. “Are you… okay?” Magnus didn't know that Alec knew about the rape and Alec could tell that his own facade was cracking on his face as he saw Magnus with a smile because Alec knew it wasn't real. Alec knew he was putting it on just to make everybody believe he was okay when he wasn't.

“I'm great, thank you,” smiled Magnus. Lies. It was all fucking lies, and he couldn't do anything about it. “And you?” he asked. It was hesitant like he didn't know if they were even friendly enough to ask that. “You're okay?” it was more of a whisper than his normal voice, and it made Alec's slight anger drop away from him. Not anger towards Magnus, but anger towards everybody who has hurt him before, including himself.

Alec nodded, the smile still present on his face. “I'm okay,” he said. _But you're not._

“I-” they both said at the same time. They chuckled slightly, but they both knew that the chuckles from them were fake. Magnus lifted up his hand and scratched his head, and Alec gasped slightly when he saw fingerprint bruises on his wrist. He brought his hand down and smiled at Alec, who did nothing in return. “You can speak first,” said Magnus.

“I…” said Alec, staring blankly at Magnus with an agape mouth and slightly wide eyes. _I saw the bruises on your arms. I saw the blood and semen that Jonathan left you with. I saw Maia. I saw the bed you got raped on. I want to help you. Please, please, let me help you._ “I was just going to say how I think it's crazy how they're cheering on somebody who's only in charge of the tickets,” he lied.

Magnus' smile dropped as he turned around and saw them from a distance, leaning on some people's lockers and laughing about something. “Yeah,” said Magnus. He turned back around, his eyes on the floor. “I understand what you mean,” He looked up and gave Alec a tight smile, and Alec saw it. He saw in Magnus' deep brown eyes that his facade was cracking.

“What did you want to tell me?” asked Alec. Magnus looked back up again with glassy eyes. He blinked rapidly, and soon, they were gone. He smiles and shook his head.

“It's not important,” said Magnus. A ding on Magnus' phone snapped him out of his thoughts and he pulled it out of his pocket, immediately turning it off later and turning to his right. Alec followed his eyes and they landed on the jocks. They were all laughing with a phone in their hand, and Alec had to look away to stop the tears from rolling down his face, but Magnus continued staring at them with a blank expression.

“Magnus, I-”

“I'll see you in 4th,” he said, giving Alec one last smile before walking off. Alec watched as he left, walking in the direction of Jonathan, but blending into the crowd of people. Alec suddenly felt a wave of anger go through him like a tsunami and he walked over in Jonathan's direction. When he was close enough, he ran forward and grabbed him by the throat, pushing him into the locker.

Jonathan stared at him with shock, and Alec was glad that none of his friends came and pulled him off. It was lucky that they actually liked him. He leaned forward, “I know you raped Magnus,” he whispered. Jonathan's expression turned from slightly scared to a smirk. Alec tightened his hands around his neck as he saw a circle forming around the pair.

“J-jealous, Lightwood?” he smirked, “He was d-deliciously tigh-ah-tight and I f-fucked him right into t-the mattress,” Before Jonathan could see what was happening, Alec raised his balled fist and hit him painfully in the right eye. Jonathan screamed out in pain, but Alec kept going and going until he couldn't hear anything, or feel anything, or even process what was happening before he realized that his probably broken fist was hitting the plain air.

“What is the meaning for all of this?” yelled Mr. Morgenstern, glaring at the two of them. “Who started this fight?” Jonathan pointed towards Alec who raised his hand with gritted teeth. “In my office, Alec. Now,” he said. He turned around and faced the students, “Get to class!”

The students scurried away as Alec followed Mr. Morgenstern to his office, wiping the blood off his knuckles as he hissed in pain. When the door slammed shut behind him, he could feel the daggers being burnt into him. “Why on earth did you attack my son?!”

Alec rolled his eyes and sat down in the chair after Mr. Morgenstern did. “He deserved it,” snarled Alec. Valentine slammed his hands onto the table, causing Alec to flinch slightly, but he quickly recovered and glared at the brainwashed teacher.

“My son deserves nothing of the sort!” Alec put his head in his hands taking deep breaths as he tried to calm himself down from the adrenaline running through his veins like they're in first place in a marathon. “Everybody at this school is attacking the poor boy food absolutely nothing and I-”

“Absolutely fucking nothing?!” yelled Alec, standing up and looking down at Mr. Morgenstern who stared in shock at him. “I hate to break it to you, Valentine-” His eyebrows shot up at the use of his name, “- but your so-called perfect son is a dirty, lying, fucking rapist.”

Valentine's mouth was agape and his eyes were as wide as ever, “My son is not a-”

“A rapist?” finished Alec. “I met a girl a week ago. Her name was Maia Roberts. You wanna know what happened to her?” He didn't wait for the teacher's reply, “She nearly got raped by Jonathan, until someone risked himself. You wanna know who that is, _Sir_?” snarled Alec. He saw Mr. Morgenstern swallow thickly. Alec put both hands on the desk and leaned down, “Magnus Bane.”

Mr. Morgenstern rolled his eyes at the name, “you're trying to protect your little crush-”

“Magnus Bane, my best friend, risked himself from a woman who Jonathan was about to rape and ended up being the one who got raped,” snarled Alec. “I saw your sons semen mixed with my best friends blood on Pandemonium bed sheets and I have never been more disgusted with a person in my entire life.”

“You're-”

“Now, listen to me,” whispered Alec, leaning forward more, “I am going to torture your son until he feels the pain that Magnus did. I will torture him like he has with Magnus for the whole time since he's been back and you're going to do nothing but watch from your cameras, _just like you did with your son,_ ” threatened Alec before opening the door and slamming it shut behind him, a sigh of relief escaping his lips.

When the door slammed shut, he suddenly felt a crowd of footsteps running towards him. A pair was heels, and he immediately knew who it was. “Alexander Lightwood!” yelled Isabelle before stopping in front of him with a pained and angry look on her face. “What did you do?”

“He gave Jonathan what he deserved, that's what he did,” said Clary with a smile on her face. Isabelle whipped her head around and gave her a glare which silently told her to shut up. “What? He deserved it. He bullied and tormented out best friend, Iz.”

“I think what Isabelle is trying to say is that Magnus could go through a lot worse than him,” interrupted Jace. Alec swallowed thickly as he looked at the 3, Simon hanging on the edge as he had no words to speak or interrupt. “Which is true. Jonathan could do a lot worse to Magnus, but he hasn't.”

Clary's eyebrows furrowed and she threw her hands up in air, “Magnus has a lot worse than you Jace. Just because you're not going through it at the moment doesn't mean your opinion wouldn't change if this was your life! Your reality! He has to deal with this at home, at school, and even out on the streets! Find a little bit of respect!” she yelled with fury. Jace rolled his eyes.

“I wasn't talking about at home and out on the streets! I'm talking about here. About now, in school! He only sees Jonathan for what? Not even half a day? So don't try and make out that-”

“Jonathan raped Magnus!” blurted out Alec, tears falling down his cheeks and his breathing becoming into pants. The group fell silent, and Alec swallowed thickly. It wasn't his secret to tell, but he couldn't stop himself. “Jonathan raped Magnus,” repeated Alec in a whisper.

Nobody said anything, but when Isabelle began walking away, everybody knew what was about to happen. “Iz…” said Jace, all of them running to catch up with her. She turned around and pushed a door open, and walked forward, slapping Jonathan across the face. “Izzy!” yelled Jace, shock in his features. She grabbed the front of his collar with both hands and pulled him closer to him until they could probably feel each other's breath on their skin.

“You're a fucking rapist!” she yelled loud enough for everybody to hear. Alec swallowed thickly and looked around the class, hoping that Magnus wasn't in there, and luckily, he wasn't, even though this was his class. “Don't you ever touch my friends again, you hear me?” Alec could see her fake nails digging into his chin, “If you ever lay a hand on their head I swear to god I will beat your ass until you feel the pain that he felt when you shoved yourself in him, you got that?” Jonathan nodded shakily and Isabelle let him drop back into his seat, walking back out of the classroom.

“You're going to get expelled for that,” said Jace as he shook his head, his blonde hair following along. Isabelle shook her hands, taking a deep breath and pacing back and forth.

“Does his dad know? The principal?” asked Isabelle, looking at Alec with a face that Alec couldn't determine. He had never seen it before, believe it or not. Alec shrugged, signing.

“I told him today, while I was in the officer, but he doesn't believe me…”

Isabelle walked over to a bin and pushed it over, the items flying out as she runs her hands through her hair and pulled. Clary walked over hesitantly and put her hand on her shoulder in a way to comfort her, “Isabelle, it's okay. He'll be okay…” Isabelle shook her head, tears falling down her cheeks and smudging her makeup as she pushed Clary's shy hand off her shoulder.

“It's not okay, Clary!” she shouted, “Jonathan raped Magnus-” Alec put a finger to his lips as his eyes went wide. Isabelle barely sent him a glare, “-And we were all there that night! We could've stopped it but we were too late because I was bothered about what I was wearing,” she walked over and kicked the already knocked over bin, “I'm such a fucking asshole.”

“Isabelle,” said Clary, “It's okay. We will all go to talk to him after school and tell him what we know and offer him support, okay?” Isabelle took a deep breath and nodded. Clary gave her a soft smile and pulled her into a hug, “It wasn't your fault. It wasn't any of our faults.”

Alec knew that Clary didn't mean that, but she was just trying to convince herself and the rest of them, and for that, he respected her a little more than before.

**“I fall too fast, crash too hard,**  
**Forgive too easily,**  
**And care too much.”**

The bell for lunch rang, and Magnus suddenly felt at peace. He didn't feel like he needed to rush out to get away from Jonathan, he didn't feel like he needed to run away because he knew Alec was in here. He didn't need to do anything besides slide his books into his bag without care and walk out of the class. He and Alec had talked a little bit in class, but it wasn't like before. It wasn't enough to make him hold on to one more day, either.

He distantly saw Alec walk off to the direction of the cafeteria and sighed in relief. He walked down the almost clear hallways before coming to a halt in front of Alec's. He quickly got the note out of his pocket and slipped it in the little lines, and as he turned around, he jumped back before freezing. “What are you putting in his locker?”

“Get away from me, Jonathan,” whispered Magnus, tears rushing to his eyes at just the sight of him. He hadn't seen him all day, and the peace that he felt only a couple seconds ago washed away. Jonathan smirked and took a step forward, “S-stop,” he glared at him and Magnus knew the fear on his face was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Where you going, pretty thing?” asked Jonathan, running a hand down Magnus’ side. Magnus turned his head around and closed his eyes as tears began to slip out. He leaned forward and put his free hand beside his head, “Did I ever tell you, that night, that you have the perfect ass I’ve ever seen?”

Magnus whimpered, “Get off of me,” Jonathan chuckled and lean forward, even more, his lips brushing against Magnus' neck. Magnus started panting in a way to help him control his fear and anxiety. “Please, get off!” Jonathan pushed his whole body forward now, his crotch rubbing against Magnus'. Jonathan's moan was muffled in his neck, and Magnus felt the vibration. He cried. “Alec!”

“Your lover boy isn't going to save you now,” whispered Jonathan as he grabbed Magnus' wrists forcefully and began pulling him to the janitor's office. Magnus tried pulling, but everything he did, his shoes would slip or glide across the polished floor. “Stop squirming!”

“ _Alexander_!”

**“I keep falling down it.**  
**You can only save me.**  
**I'm drowning in the water of my soul.”**

“The earth isn't flat,” said Clary, rolling her eyes at Simon. He raised his eyebrows. “What? Are you literally trying to convince me that the world is flat? We've been told that the world is a circle and I believe it.”

“They're feeding you lies!” yelled Simon, throwing her an expression which didn't look polite at all. Alec chuckled and moved things around in his bag as he tried to reach his timetable, but he couldn't find it. He sighed and zipped his bag up, getting out of the chair. “Where are you going?” asked Simon.

Alec walked backward, “I'm going to get my extra timetable from my locker. It's gone missing,” said Alec before turning back around and walking, but froze when he heard his name being called by a familiar voice. He furrowed his eyebrows and turned around, but didn't see anybody there. “Hello?”

Usually, at lunch, nobody was in the hallways. Well, not everybody anyways. He walked forward as he heard more whimpers and cries. “Alec! Please!” they yelled, and Alec detected the voice to be Magnus. His blood ran cold and he ran forward, looking down every corner there was.

“Magnus!”

“Alexander! H-help me! P-please!” cried Magnus. Alec ran to his right and all the way down the hallway, and as he turned his head to the left, he saw a door slam shut and a cry come from inside. Alec rushed forward “Stop it! Please, stop- Please stop! Please!” Magnus' voice was muffled, but he heard it. He heard all of it. Alec put his hand on the knob and tried to push the door open, but it was locked.

“The doors locked!” Alec pounded on the door, “Magnus, unlock the door!” A scream of pain was heard as a moan came through and Alec felt his cheeks begin to get wet. “Unlock the door or I'll smash it in!” He heard Jonathan moan again and Alec bashed his shoulder into the door.

Magnus groaned and grunted before crying again, “Please, Jonathan,” whimpered Magnus. Alec bashed his shoulder into the door again, harder this time. “No.. No! No, stop please!”

“Hang on!” yelled Alec. He saw dents in the door and sighed in relief. Before his shoulder came in contact with the door again, the door was unlocked and Magnus opened it with one hand. Alec immediately bent down and grabbed Magnus' hand, pulling him out. “Oh, god,” Magnus was shaking violently on the floor with his zipper undone and blood on his face. Alec checked him over quickly before rushing over to Jonathan, who was quickly doing up the button on his pants.

Before Alec could actually grab hold of him, Mr. Morgenstern came running around the corner and immediately went to his son. “In my office,” said Mr. Morgenstern to Jonathan. Anybody could see the fear rushing through him as his father pulled him by the arm towards the office. Alec breathed heavily as he turned around in his circle and he was glad that nobody was around to see that happen.

  
When Alec began to walk away though, he realized something. Magnus had gone. He cursed and quickly ran to his locker, opening it up as fast as he could but pausing when he saw a piece of paper drop to the floor. He bent down and as he was getting back up, he recognized the handwriting on “Alexander,”

He quickly stuffed the paper into his pocket, slamming his locker shut, and running as fast as he could to the place where Magnus always leaves to; home.

**“SUICIDE.**  
**The word suicide caught your attention, didn't it? The truth is suicide catches everybody's attention.**  
**It is the actions that lead up to suicide that go unnoticed.”**

Magnus' blood was pumping as hard as ever; he could feel it as he ran as fast as he could home. He hadn't stopped once. Not when he got a stitch, not when his legs threatened to give away underneath him, and not when he couldn't get any air in his throat as, you know, it was about to happen anyway.

He ripped his front door open, probably knocking it off its hinges, and immediately ran upstairs. He didn't even bother to check if his father was home. Even if he was, he wouldn't care anyway. He never did. Magnus ran into his bedroom, opening a drawer which held the pills he needed, and finally taking in the air around him.

In a way, Magnus didn't want to do this. He knew that Alec was probably running over here, and he knew that Alec would only hate himself and blame himself for not helping Magnus sooner, but this was something Magnus needed to do. It would make his father, Alec, Jonathan, the school, and his whole friendship group a favor.

He sat down on his bed, messing up the made-up golden sheeted bed, and took off the lid. There were two things on his mind in that moment; death and Alexander. It was a weird combination, the two, but he desperately needed one to go away and the other to stay because the second thing was the only thing holding him back. Until that is, he realized that Alec wouldn't care either.

Alec didn't care when Magnus got picked on.

Alec didn't care when Magnus got rugby tackled into the table.

Alec didn't care about Magnus' feelings.

Alec didn't care about Magnus' love and support that he was giving him when he needed it.

Alec didn't care about saying those things to Magnus. He…

_Alec didn't care at all._

Magnus raised the pill bottle to his lips and let them all drop in swallowing them all in one go, coughing slightly as it hurt his throat, before laying back on the bed. He looked up at the blank ceiling and closed his eyes. Now, for the first time in what seemed like forever but only was a couple of months, he finally found the peace he had been searching for all along.

His throats were cut off slightly as he heard his front door banging open and footsteps coming closer and closer until a hand was cupping his cheek. “Magnus…” he heard, but he couldn't process anything. Everything was falling away, and he smiled. If this had been the answer to peace, he would've done it long ago, and wouldn't have held back.

“Magnus, no, please..” Magnus began to recognize the voice more and more before he turned his head and looked at Alec with half-lidded eyes. “Hold on, please,” Alec had something in his hand and his mouth began moving quickly. In less than a minute, the phone was back down and Alec was near him again.

“ _A- e'x -ander.,_ ” muttered Magnus. Alec shook his head and put a finger over his mouth, but Magnus pushed it away with all the effort he had left and cupped his own hand on Alec's cheek, “ _I- 'ov- 'ou,_ ” whispered Magnus, before the hand that cupped the smooth skin fell away and his vision turned into pure darkness.

**“Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather**  
**Accepting that there are things that cannot be done.”**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry :( Magnus doesn't die, don't worry, and I apologize for the ending. I was rushing :p
> 
> ******  
> Before people come and attack me, I want you all to know that him taking pills wasn't my first idea. I was originally going to do jumping off something, but I have been in the same situation Magnus has so I understand more about it. Also, please don't tell me Im asking for attention by saying that. I just wanted you all to know that I can relate to this, like most chapters in the story.  
> ******
> 
> Getting on a jokey note, I literally had a 5-minute shower. I hadn't finished with the story yet, and I needed a shower otherwise my hair would be greasy tomorrow, so I literally was only in the shower for 5 minutes and I am very proud of myself. I was like, "I need to take 5 to 10 minutes, and if I'm longer, I'm just gonna have to clean, blow-dry, and curl my hair tomorrow!" Haha, I am taking this seriously as I want to post for you guys as much as often. 
> 
> I will be making parts for his recovery so I hope you guys enjoy that :) I don't know how many chapters will be about that, though, but I will make a rough plan soon. 
> 
> Also, pretty much all of my tests are next week. I most likely won't be able to post on 12th June (Tuesday) as I have my science test and counseling after school which lasts for an hour. I may be able to post late at night, but I don't think I'll be able to, so I am really sorry about that! :( 
> 
> I hope you all have an amazing day X


	12. Chapter Twelve- Agoraphobia(2)

**Agoraphobia;** _the fear of leaving something behind. (pt.2)_

“” **I'll always be here for you,” they said.**  
**And then they left.”**

“Do you think he's going to wake up?” asked Isabelle. The hospital room had been pretty much silent for the past week and everybody knew that every second passing by was critical. Magnus hadn't made any sign of waking up for the whole time they were here but gave no sign of passing away either.

Jace sighed and Alec saw him shrug in the corner of his eyes, “I don't know anymore,” he replied. His voice was soft like he thought the wrong words would snap something inside of Alec, or anyone, for that matter. “I thought that maybe he would've woken up on the 4th day, but, it's the start of the second week,” he stated. “I.. Honestly don't think that there's any hope.”

“He's a strong guy, Jace,” said Clary, “He can get through this, just like the rest of us.”

“If he's strong, then why did he do this?” asked Jace. Nobody was affected by it as they knew that Jace didn't mean it in a harsh way. It was just a question that everybody, including Alec, wanted to be answered. “Why would he do this when he has so much ahead of him?”

“There's only so much a person can take, Jace,” replied Simon. “How would you feel? How would you react if you had to deal with abuse and torment your entire life?” It was the second time someone had asked that question to him, and Jace still had no answer. “I know for sure that I'd think that I had nothing left to lose. The abuse, the bullying, the lies, the arguments, the…. The rape. All of it. It's all too much.”

“All of us here know that Jonathan raping Magnus was the final straw. The last push to the edge,” said Clary. Everybody nodded except Alec, but, they all knew that he knew it too. He was just… too in shock to even respond to anyone or do anything at all. “I can't even believe to fathom the thought that Jonathan Morgenstern, a boy from our school, raped Magnus and attempted to rape some random girl from a club that he just… picked up.”

“He tried,” said Alec. The group's heads' snapped towards him as his raspy voice made a sound for the first time in a week. “Jonathan tried to rape Magnus again on the day that he swallowed the pills. I was there. I heard them and… I saved him, but, I didn't save him.”

“Oh, Alec,” said Isabelle. She put her hand on Alec's forearm, making him face them. They were all shocked, really. They could see the big and dark bags, his empty eyes, and messed up hair that hadn't been washed or brushed in the longest time. The rest, they were okay. They left occasionally to shower, change clothes, and all the other important stuff, but Alec didn't. He stayed by Magnus' side for the entire time. “It wasn't your fault. You didn't know it would happen again.

Tears were beginning to rush to his dull hazel eyes. “But I knew it happened. I knew it was a possibility,” A stray, single tear slipped down his pale cheek. Isabelle shook her head and got off her seat, walking over to him and giving him a tight hug. The rest of the group soon followed, and Alec cried into them with one hand wrapped around as many people as he could while the other was tightly locked with Magnus' limp one.

“So did we, Alec,” said Jace! Jace himself was crying, and he was never one to show his emotions in front of people but in a situation where not only the person who swallowed the pills was broken but also the person that loved the person more than life itself. “If it's your fault, it's all of ours too.”

It was weird because even when Jace said that, he still wanted to blame himself and himself only, even what Jace said was true. They all knew, but none of them could've stopped it recently. Blaming only himself was like a coping mechanism for him to know why he did it, even though he already knows why. Well, at least he thinks he does anyway.

A couple seconds, minutes, or hours later, Isabelle pulls away with a sigh. “We have to go to school now,” she whispered. He felt the group pull away slowly and Alec let his arm drop to wherever it landed, ignoring the pain shooting through it. “We'll see you later, Al,” she walked over and gave a quick kiss to his head before walking out of the door with the group, leaving him in absolute silence.

He liked it like this. For some reason, when the group was with him, he couldn't think straight. But now, being by himself with the presence of silence, everything made better sense. He could piece things together that he couldn't before. For example, he now realized that everything was linked to him and that he was the reason all of this happened. After the two argued, things got worse for him. Jonathan exposed his past, the teachers began treating him like shit just as much as the students, he got raped, and who knows how many other things.

His vision changed to the open letter on the table beside the hospital bed and he picked it up. He had read this letter so many times that he basically remembered it word by word but every time he opened it up again, his vision went fuzzy and he couldn't remember a single word besides the sentence 'I love you, Alexander.' He flicked open the letter with his finger.

_You probably know who this is, and you probably know what I'm writing for, and that's why you were my best friend. You were unique, caring, loving but heartbroken, fragile, small. Not in the way that makes it seem like you're tiny, but in the way where you're visibly scared or afraid that something or someone will hurt you. People probably don't see that side of you, but I do, and it's wonderful. You may think it's a flaw or a problem, but it's not. It's something amazing and, yes, it may affect your life in some way shape or form, but it's okay._

_I know you're probably waiting for some kind of explanation, and I'm sorry, but I can't give you one. I know that's harsh as you're probably wondering why I did (or doing) what I did, but there's too much to explain. I would be here for a couple weeks just trying to finish it. It isn't your fault, though. I know you'll blame yourself but I promise it's not you. In fact, you were the only reason why I held on for so long._

_Life has been difficult for the both of us, and I'm sorry for being such a burden to you in your life I'm sorry, and I love you, Alexander. I'll always miss you, even if my heart isn't beating anymore._

_M Xox_

He brushed his thumb over the last part as the corners of his lip turned up in a smile. “I meant all of it,” a voice croaked and Alec's head shot up. His eyes went wide as tears began blurring his vision in rapid time. He thought he was hallucinating for a second before something began to move in his, “Alexander...”

Alec's breath let his throat and a choked sob fell from his lips. “Magnus.”

**“People are scared to death of dying. I am the opposite.”**

**\- Taylor Caldwell.**

“What do you think will happen to Jonathan?” asked Simon, walking beside Isabelle and moving closer for warmth as he shivered. She smiled slightly as she pushed open the doors of the school. “Has he been expelled yet?”

Immediately, the eyes fell on them. The news had spread around that Magnus had attempted suicide, and the school had suddenly gone quieter. None of them had been to school since that day, but they all knew they needed an education, so they had to turn up. Alec, though, he doesn't care. Friends are more 'important', he had said. “I hope so otherwise I might end up accidentally stabbing him with my heel,” replied Isabelle, ignoring the looks around them.

Clary chuckled, “I don't think there's a way you could accidentally murder someone with your heel, Iz.”  
  
As they rounded the corner, they all froze in shock as they saw Jonathan at Magnus' locker, sticking a note on it. “What the fuck do you think you're doing?” yelled Isabelle, stomping forward with an angry expression that was not friendly. He turned around and faced her as calm as he could, but all of them saw him jump when Isabelle yelled. She snatched the note from his locker, “Don't even come near him, us, or anything remotely related to him."

“Fuck off, Isabelle,” said Jonathan, rolling his eyes, “I'm being kind here,” he snatched the note back and stuck it on the locker. Isabelle took a quick glance at it and scoffed. 'Hope you're doing okay.”

The anger was burning in the group's blood, “You think you're being kind, huh?” she asked. It was rhetorical and Isabelle was glad that Jonathan knew the answer to the question without even having to say it. “You think you're kind by raping somebody and then trying to do it again? In school properties?” He gritted his teeth but never spoke, again. “If you even think about him, I'll make you feel the pain he had to go through,” she growled.

Jonathan' jaw unclenched and he turned around, walking away from them without a word while the small crowd of people scurried off when Isabelle turned to them. “Oh my gosh…” she heard Clary whisper. She turned around and saw her looking at his locker. “They all think he's dead…”

When Isabelle turned her eyesight to the locker, she could already make out that more than half was about them missing him forever. Some of them Isabelle didn't even think they were actually friends with him. “Jonathan probably spreaded that piece of propaganda,” she said. The bell went, and they all left for class, but Isabelle couldn't get the fact off her mind that Jonathan had raped Magnus.

_Raped._

_“Rape is a word for sexual assault. This is one of the worst crimes there is. Rape can also mean to plunder or strip something of resources. There are few words more powerful than rape, which is a horrifying crime. To rape someone is to force them to have sex with you.”_

_FORCE someone to have sex with you._

_Force MAGNUS to have sex with you._

In the back of her mind, she had always wished that it was some kind of sick joke, but in the front, she knew it wasn't. She knew it was real and she knew that she could do nothing to stop it. And that's what hurts the most.

**“We are dying from overthinking. We are slowly killing ourselves by not thinking about everything.**  
**Think. Think. Think.**  
**You can never trust the human mind, anyway. It's a death trap.”**

Alec jumped up from his feet on weak legs and wrapped his arms around Magnus as he was lying down, untangling there hand and whimpering slightly when he didn't feel the heat of his hand. The tears dropped onto the warm pillow as Magnus wrapped his aching hands around him. “I'm sorry…”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” cried Magnus, wrapping his arms around him with more strength than before. Alec sobbed into Magnus' shoulder, and somehow, Magnus ended up pulling Alec onto the bed. “It was my fault. It wasn't yours. It was mine, Alec. Mine.”

He shook his head, sitting up on his knees, looking down at Magnus. “I left and said… horrible things, and then your past got exposed, the students at the school treated you like shit, your dad abused you more, and you got raped!” screamed Alec. He saw Magnus' eyes go wide. “You got raped, Magnus, and I saw the aftermath. I saw it.”

”Alec-”

“And I couldn't save you,” whispered Alec. Magnus moved so that he was sitting up, his back leaning on the baby blue wall, camouflaging his gown with it too. “I was too late. On both occasions.”

“It wasn't your fault,” Alec opened his mouth to speak again, but Magnus quickly put a finger over his mouth. “Everything was going to happen with or without you there. The only difference about the situation was that I didn't have you in it, which was also my fault,” Alec furrowed his eyebrows and wiped away a tear. “I should've known that you didn't care or that you didn't love me, and-”

“No, Magnus-”m

“And that is completely my fault. I shouldn't read the signs that you didn't but I was too dumb and naive too. I don't blame you for using me either, Alec-”

“Magnus-”

“-I don't mind. I'm used to it now after everything and if you want to leave, you can. I don't want to stop you from doing something that you will regret later on in life-”

“Ma-”

“-And if you never want to talk to me again, I won't try and interrupt your life because-”

Alec knew that Magnus didn't like him back, but he couldn't stop himself. Couldn't resist. He leaned so that their foreheads were touching, but he stopped and opened his fluttered shut eyes.

He didn't want to push Magnus into something he didn't want to do.

Magnus paused mid sentence and his eyes went wide slightly but he glanced down to Alec's pink links. Alec felt the air in his lungs leave slightly even by the smallest move and it already left him breathless even though they haven't gotten to the main part yet. The most important part. Their lips brushed 1,2,3 times before Alec grew the courage that he needed and leaned in the rest of the remaining way, and when Alec kissed him, and the world fell away.

It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. Alec's hand rested below Magnus' ear, his thumb caressing his cheek as their breath mingled. Magnus ran his fingers down Alec's chest, leaving it just above his heart so that he could feel the beating of Alec's heart against his hand. It was the best thing Magnus had ever felt in his life.

When air became necessary, they pulled back and stared into each other's eyes for a couple of moment, almost like they were savouring the moment deep in their heart. “I love you,” whispered Alec, the tears falling down his cheeks again. Magnus' chin trembled and he moved his hand away from his heart and to the back of his neck.

“I love you, too.”

And this time, Magnus really believed it.

**“Your life will get better. Maybe not today or tomorrow, or next week but it will get better eventually X”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They finally kissed :) Please tell me if I rushed into this?
> 
> BTW, I am so sorry for not posting yesterday. I fell back into my depression after I found out Shadowhunters had been cancelled because of financial reasons or something? Like, why not get rid of Beyond, Riverdale, or any other shitty TV show instead of the best one out there? It literally makes me want to cry even when I think about it. But I know us fans will pick the show back up. #SaveShadowhunters
> 
> I have exams coming up next week, as you all know if you read the notes, and here is the table:  
> Monday = History & English.  
> Tuesday = Science & Math.  
> Wednesday = Geography & English.  
> Thursday = French & Math.  
> Friday = French. 
> 
> If you don't get a post at all that week, I am so sorry but I really need to revise so I can get a good grade for the next year. I will make it up to you all by posting every day the week after! (Except Tuesday because I have a music test on that day. Lol, apologies.)
> 
> I love you all, and remember, #SaveShadowhunters to bring back our happy place. The place we call home.


	13. Chapter Thirteen- Atychiphobia

**Atychiphobia;** _fear of past experiences._

**“Recovery at exactly that moment when you are** _completely broken to pieces_ **and must surrender to** _unfamiliar_ **and** _uncomfortable_ **ways in order to rebuild** **into**

_who you were_ _meant_ _to be._ **”**

“You've missed how many days off school?!” asked Magnus, eyes blew as wide as saucers. Alec chuckled and shifted himself so his side was leaning against the solid wall, causing a slight pain there but ignored it as he saw the way the sun reflected on Magnus' caramel skin. Alec's eyes shifted to his plumped lips and smiled at the memory of their kiss and how it felt so... _right_. The two hadn't kissed since then, but they both knew what each other wanted. Magnus turned his head towards Alec, “You're in trouble when I get out of this hospital, Alec Lightwood.

Alec chuckled and rolled his eyes, moving his eyes so that they were no longer on his lips but Magnus' beautiful eyes. “I'm shaking in my boots,” replied Alec, making himself 'shiver' and look around him like he was waiting for something to pop out, even when they both knew they wouldn't.

“You didn't even wear boots here,” said Magnus with a soft voice. Alec shrugged as best as he could before smiling and moving again so he his back was against the mattress of the small bed. Magnus moved as well, lying down next to Alec, and they both stared at the blank ceiling. “Have you ever thought just how perfect life seems right now?”

“Yeah,” whispered Alec. “But, life always seems perfect when I'm around you so there's not much difference, is there?” The question was rhetorical, but knowing Magnus, he would probably respond to it anyways. But now, it was different. Like ever since that night, 2 weeks ago, when he swallowed the hand full of pills, Magnus' whole perspective of life changed. Magnus turned his head smoothly to Alec.

“You mean that?” asked Magnus. Alec smiled and nodded. There was a comfortable silence lingering in the air for a couple seconds as they gathered their thoughts before Alec decided to break the silence, the thoughts that were piled in his head pouring out of his pink lips.

“I don't think I've ever told you how much I love you, but I love you so much I can't put it into words,” he said, chuckling softly, “You've made my life so much bearable and happier. Something that I never thought would've happened in my entire life,” He paused and bit his lip. “People think that I'm this optimistic person, but, I'm not. I'm pessimistic, believe it or not, but you changed that. You made me believe that my future would be way better than I ever imagined it to be, because I always thought that I would have to grow up unhappy, following every order, following in my mother and father's footsteps, grow up and have to be with some woman who I don't even like, but… You saved me from the negative thoughts,” He turned his head to his left, facing Magnus the second he moved his head to look back at Alec as well. “You saved me and I don't think I could ever repay you for that.”

Magnus smiled and shook his head, “You saved yourself,” Their eyes occasionally flickered to each other's lips but quickly retreated and looked back into each other's eyes like they couldn't get enough, and in reality, they couldn't. Just when they thought the moment couldn't be broken, the door opened and a doctor walked in. Alec shot up as his cheeks began to turn slightly pink as the Doctor smiled sheepishly.

“I'm sorry for interrupting boys, but I have some news,” Magnus shot up with a smile, his eyes sparkling with excitement.

“Is it the date that I'm finally allowed to leave?” smiled Magnus, “No offense, I completely respect you helping me, but these beds and gowns are atrocious. I could seriously use-”

The Doctor cut him off, his eyes sad. “I'm sorry, sir, but you won't be let out anytime soon..” Magnus furrowed his eyebrows and moved so his legs were hanging off the bed, looking directly into the Doctors face.

“Why? I've been on suicide watch for a full week now and I promised you I wouldn't try and do it again, and if I did that I would go to you…” said Magnus. It was true. Magnus had promised - crossed his heart - that he would never do it again, knowing the consequences, but that didn't remove the sour expression on the Doctors face.

“I'm afraid it's not that simple, sir,” he said. Alec distantly remembers his name being Dr. Lennon or something along the lines of that, but he had never really paid attention. Not until now, at least. “We have recently found out about your eating problem and have come to the result that you are, in fact, Anorexic,” Magnus' eyes went wide, “And we also be aware that you have… fingerprint bruises on your skin? Would you like to tell us about where they've come from?”

Magnus' whole body froze, his mouth agape and eyes wide as his the air around him became harder and harder to take in. “I- I…” His chin began to tremble and he shook his head. Alec shifted over and put a hand on his back, moving it up and down soothingly. The Doctor walked over and bent down, sitting on his knees and looking up at Magnus.

“Would you rather us ask the questions rather than you saying what happened?” Magnus nodded his head shakily, tears slipping down his cheeks. “Were you at a party?” Magnus shook his head, “At a club?” Magnus nodded, “Was the boy or girl forceful?” Magnus nodded again, “Were you sexually assaulted, Magnus?” He let out a choked sob and nodded slightly. “It's okay, it's okay.”

Magnus shook his head, shifting back on the bed, “It- It doesn't matter anymore. There's nothing I-I can do…” The Doctor shook his head, looking over at Alec with weary eyes. Alec shared the same expression on his face; Concern and fear. “The fucking… The fucking police are all brainwashed by his mother fucking dad so I can't say anything because- because I'll get laughed at or-or blamed, but it wasn't my fault! Cried Magnus, “I was- I was protecting somebody and I- I didn't know what I was doing but it wasn't my fault!” the tears were freely slipping down his face.

Alec crawled forward towards him, “We know it wasn't your fault, Mags,” whispered Alec. He didn't touch him, though. He didn't want Magnus to think that his hands were Jonathans. “You don't need to apologize…”

He turned his face up, “He said he'd hurt you if I didn't let him do it…” whispered Magnus. Alec's eyes went wide and he froze slightly. “I didn't want to do it but I didn't want you to get hurt because of me. I-I could n-never let that h-happen to you, Alec. I promise you I didn't want to go through with it though. You know me. You know I wouldn't-”

“Sir,” the Doctor cut in,”could you please tell me what the man's name was?” Magnus shifted his gave to Alec to the Doctor and then back to Alec, telling him silently to please tell the man who had done it. Who raped Magnus. Alec turned around to face the man who was looking at them both with caution eyes filled with love and sympathy.

“His name is Jonathan Morgenstern,” said Alec. Magnus let out another choked sob but this time crawled over to Alec and wrapped his arms around him, putting his head on Alec's shoulder and sobbing his heart out. When Alec wrapped his own arms around Magnus, he realized just how skinny he really was. He was mad at himself for not figuring that out however long ago.

Dr. Lennon nodded and wrote something down on a piece of paper before looking back at Alec, “Has Magnus gone to the police?” Alec shook his head when he felt Magnus mutter a 'no'. “I think that, maybe, you should go and talk to the police about it and we could possibly get some scans done?” Dr. Lennon said, but, it was more of a question than anything else. “Do you have any evidence that he raped you, Magnus?”

Knowing Magnus wasn't going to reply, Alec just kept rubbing his back and decided to answer the question for him. “Jonathan... He also attempted to take advantage of Magnus in school. There were cameras all around there, but Jonathan's father owns the school so we have no way of knowing if he has deleted it or not,” said Alec. “And, the person that Magnus saved could speak up if she was up to it? Maybe?”

He nodded, “That would be very helpful against the case. Although, if all the police are brainwashed, as you say, do you know a police that maybe… isn't brainwashed?” Alec bit his lip in thought before an idea popped into his brain and he nodded.

“Luke Garroway,” replied Alec.

“Alrighty then. Do you think you could get in contact with the male or female attempt victim?” asked the man. Alec nodded and reached into his pocket, pulling out his phone. “That's great! If you can convince Magnus here to talk to the police, then we can let him out for the day and talk to them.”

Alec nodded as Mr. Lennon stood up, giving one last sympathetic look towards the two before leaving the room, closing the door behind him as quietly as he could. With the room completely silent, Alec realized that Magnus had stopped sobbing aloud, and maybe even stop crying. “Who is Luke Garroway?” whispered Magnus.

“He's a friend of the family,” replied Alec, “He's also a cop here and I can assure you that he isn't under Valentine Morgenstern's control. In fact, there's a whole bunch of them that aren't,” He felt Magnus nod beside him, tightening his arms around him and taking a deep breath. “Do you think you'll be able to tell the police?”

He felt Magnus sob against his neck slightly, shaking his head. “I can't.”

“Shh, you can,” whispered Alec. “You can,” he repeated. “I know that it will be hard, and scary, and difficult, but it will all come out with a good ending, okay? The bastard will be put in jail where he belongs,” Magnus pulled back and quickly wiped his nose on his sleeve. He looked up at Alec, small and fragile.

“What if he doesn't? They're all brainwashed, a friend of the family or not, and even if this… this does go to court or something, then they'll find ways to prove that he's innocent but he's not a-and I don't want to see his fucking face-” Alec put a finger over his lips.

“They won't,” said Alec, “We'll get Maia, possibly show them your bruises, and maybe even the footage at school, and we'll show it to the police and they arrest him. I promise,” said Alec, giving Magnus a nod before looking down at his phone. “I'll text Iz and Jace to see if they can get access to it and then I'll.. I'll call Maia.”

“Okay,” his voice was small as Alec texted Isabelle before quickly switching to Maia. When Alec was about to press the ring button, Magnus put a hand over his. “Tell her that she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to,” Alec smiled slightly and nodded, bringing the phone up to his ear after pressing the ring button. She answered almost straight away.

“Hey Alec,” she said. Alec could hear the smile in her voice, causing him to smile due to her happiness. “What's up? I didn't think you'd contact me, to be honest.”

“Yeah, uhm, I need to ask you a favor,” replied Alec. He felt Magnus' burning gaze on him and avoided contact. “You don't have to do it if you don't want to, though. I don't want to pressure you into anything you're not comfortable with.”

Maia chuckled and Alec practically heard the shake of her head from the call, “It's alright. Shoot.”

“I was wondering, hoping rather, if you could come to the police office tomorrow at around 1?” he asked. “Magnus is thinking about going to the police about Jonathan's rape and, since we have no evidence, you're possibly our best shot of sending him to prison,” Silence was the only thing present on the other side of the phone, “Maia?”

She cleared her throat, “Yeah, yeah, I'm here. I just…” she paused. “Is it really worth going to the police? I mean, it happened a fortnight ago. I don't think they'd do anything to him due to the time we waited...”

“No- I mean, I sort of understand where you're coming from, but they'll arrest him regardless of the time. He raped Magnus, and attempted with you,” he said. He could hear the hesitation through the call, even hearing it when she wasn't speaking. “Wouldn't it be nice to… finally, talk to somebody about what happened and send the horrible man to prison?”

Maia never answered for a couple of seconds before signing, “Okay. I'll come to the police office at… at 1. See you.”

Alec smiled and put the phone down, looking up at Magnus who had a hopeful look on his face. “Did she agree?” Alec's smile got wider and he nodded. Magnus let out a sigh of relief and smiled, letting a tear slip down his face. “I'm so happy.”

“I'm happy, too,” whispered Alec. Magnus pulled Alec into a bone-crushing hug, and for the first time in what felt like forever, he finally felt the peace he had been waiting for run through his veins. He knew that before getting better, everything gets worse, but he was glad that part was over and down with.

**“I know that things get worse before they get better**  
**Because that's what my psychiatrist told me,**  
**But this is a worse that feels too big.”**

**\- Stephen Chbosky.**

  
“Did you hear what Magnus did?” asked Camille as she paced back and forth in front of Jonathan, biting her nail. Jonathan hummed, causing her to chuckle. “He's such a fucking idiot for doing shit like that. He didn't even have a fucking solid reason to do it, and yet he acts like his life is the worst and ergo he needs to 'get rid of the pain'”

Jonathan smiled and hung his arm off the side of the chair, “He got that Isabelle Lightwood and Jace, from the football team, on me,” Camille paused and turned to face him, a smile on her face at how pathetic he was. “Can't even fight his own battles.”

Camille nodded, “Does anybody know why he did it? Did he write a suicide note or some shit?”

“No clue,” he shrugged, “Alec Lightwood probably knows. Those two eye fuck each other everytime they're together, I fucking swear,” he cursed. “I'm not jealous of the gay fucks or whatever, it's just annoying, you know?” Camille nodded in agreement and sat on the small empty space on the long couch Jonathan was currently sat on.

“We should break the two up,” she suggested, “They're not together but like, metaphorically break them up,” Jonathan furrowed his eyebrows, causing Camille to roll her eyes in annoyance. She didn't realize somebody could be this dumb. “You know, break up their friendship.”

His mouth formed an 'O' shape before smiling. “Yeah, I getchu' girl,” he responded. “They already had one like a week or two before Magnus tried to kill himself, and oh my fucking god they looked so fucking depressed I actually laughed. It would be sick if we managed to do that, somehow.”

There was silence lingering in the air, the only sound being the ticking of the clock before Camille sighed. “But how would we do it? I don't think Alec is going to come home anytime soon and if we even talk to Isabelle and Jace they'll beat the shit out of us,” she said. “Should we make a trip to the hospital?”

“What are we meant to say, or do, though? Is there anything we could remotely do?”

Again, there was silence for only a couple seconds as they came up with ideas in their head. “Let's just make up a lie about Magnus saying something rude about Alec when those two weren't friends. Alec is a pretty gullible guy, you know.”

“I know,” he said, and somehow, just like that, they're plan fell into action. Just. Like. That.

_*THE NEXT DAY*_

When Jonathan and Camille opened the door to the hospital, they sighed in relief as they saw how empty it was. The both of them knew that maybe in a crowd full of strangers, somebody they knew would be in the group and blow their cover. They walked up to the counter with a smile. “Hello, what can I do for you?”

“We're here to visit somebody,” said Camille, changing up her accent a bit. The man, with the name tag 'Dr. Lennon' smiled and nodded, grabbing a notepad.

“Who are you here for?” he asked. Camille looked him up and down, liking the way he looks, before looking into his bring blue eyes and leaning forward slightly, her minty breath probably hitting his face.

“Magnus Bane,” she said. “We are both a friend of his from London,” she lied, “And we are saddened by the news and decided it was time for a visit! Do you happen to know what room he's in?”

“I do,” Dr. Lennon said, “He happens to be one of my patients,” he smiled. “But, I'm afraid he isn't here right now,” Jonathan and Camille both furrowed their eyebrows, exchanging a look to each other in confusion. Where else could he be?

“Oh. Do you know where he is?”

Dr. Lennon gave them a smile, “He's at the police station,” Camille froze, her mouth slightly agape and eyes went wide. She saw the confusion in his eyes before clearing her throat and looking down, taking deep breaths and digging her nails into her palm.

“Why's that?” asked Jonathan, the first time he spoke since they got here.

Dr. Lennon bit his lip, trying to remember the reason before they could both see the light bulb switch in his head. “He's there to report an incident that happened. I'm sorry, I can't give you more than that,” he said. “What's your names? I could drop him a message that you dropped by.”

Jonathan was about to walk out before Camille gave the Doctor a smile, “I'm Camille Belcourt, and this is Jonathan Morgenstern,” she said. The Doctor's eyes went wide as they switched onto Jonathan, and the both of them knew what this meant. The fear and panic spread through the both of him. “Something wrong, Sir?”

“No, nothing,” he said, eyes still on Jonathan. He looked down, “Goodbye,” he said before turning around and walking away to some stairs. Camille turned around and grabbed Jonathan's hand, pulling him out of the hospital with stomps on her feet.

“You know what this means, don't you?” asked Camille.

Jonathan took a deep breath. “He's reporting about me.”

Camille nodded and slipped into the car seat quickly, flicking on the engines before turning to Jonathan. “Not if we get there first.”

**“You were unsure**

**Which pain was worse --**

**The shock of what happened**

**Or the ache of what**

**Never will.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't sit too comfortable in ur seats ;)


	14. Chapter Fourteen- Panthophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger Warnings*  
> = Panic Attack & Self Harm

**Panthophobia;** _the fear of suffering._

**“To live is to suffer.”**

“Are you nervous?” asked Alec, rubbing his hands together in between his legs as they sat in the waiting room. Magnus nodded, lips set in a firm line as his eyes darted everywhere at once.

“That's a bit of an understatement, don't you think?” said Magnus, wrapping his two arms around his stomach. Alec thought that maybe it was a way he would try and protect himself from everything, but it wouldn't. They both knew that. “I just… What if they blame me?” he whispered, voice soft.

Alec sighed and put a hand on Magnus' thigh, “They won't blame you. It wasn't your fault that this happened-”

“This is the only crime where the victim gets blamed, Alec, and I don't want to get shamed for… For being forced into something I didn't want,” he cut in. His tone of voice didn't hurt that bad, but the words did… because it was true. When it goes into the court, almost everytime the victim is shamed for it. Saying it was their fault. Saying that they shouldn't have done this or done that. Saying they shouldn't have drunk at all in the entire night. But drunk or not, the male or female didn't ask for it. If they didn't want it, they'd let the person know, and they should've gotten off and listened to the victim. No means no, but the world, for some reason, doesn't seem to know that. “And what if he doesn't believe me?”

“They will, Magnus. You just have to stop thinking that everything will go wrong when it won't. We have Maia, and Isabelle and Jace are in school trying to get the footage. Everything will be fine, alright?” Magnus took a deep breath and nodded, keeping his eyes closed. When the two were back in silence, his phone began to vibrate. “Maia, hey,” he said after looking at the ID.

“Hey, Alec,” she said, voice low. “I'm not coming to the police station. I'm sorry,” Alec felt the dread run through his bones and he let out a disappointed sigh, putting his head in his hands.

“Why?” he asked.

“I don't want people to know that I got raped, Alec. Could you imagine how much attention would be on me? What I would have to go through if people found out?” she asked, voice harsh. “You know the cops in this shitty town, Alec. They're all fucking thick and rude. They'll blame me for being drunk and I can't be asked to have a full on argument with the police.”

“Maia, Magnus is here. He's doing it. Just, please-”

“No. I'm sorry, Alec. Tell Magnus I'm sorry too, but, I can't,” she said. “Goodbye,” she said, before hanging up the phone. Alec bit his lip, preventing himself from screaming out in annoyance and anger, and looked up. In the corner of his eye, he saw Magnus looking ahead of him, and Alec already knew that Magnus knew as well.

“I'm sorry, Magnus-”

“Don't be sorry, Alec. It wasn't your fault,” he sighed, looking down. Alec looked in his direction and saw a tear roll down his cheek but made no move to wipe it away. “It was bound to happen, anyways,” Before Alec could put a word into it, he saw Magnus' whole body tense and eyes go wide.

“Alexander, Magnus,” said a woman, and Alec cringed. Camille. He turned to face her, seeing Jonathan behind her and feeling the anger flare up even higher. “What are you boys doing here, hmm?” Jonathan moved, sitting in the small gap between Alec and Magnus and putting his arm over both of them. Camille saw Magnus flinch and chuckle, “Why did you flinch, hun? You did want it last time you two had sex.”

Magnus sat still, completely rooted in his spot and continued looking forward. Alec furrowed his eyebrows and grabbed Jonathan's arm, unwrapping it from around him. “What are you talking about?” asked Alec. Camille turned over to look in her direction and raised her eyebrows. “Magnus, what is she talking about?” He flinched again.

“Did he tell you?” asked Camille. Alec moved his cautious eyes to her and shook her head. “Oh, deary me, Magnus!” she exclaimed, chuckling again. “Going to the police to report a rape that didn't happen?”

“Don't believe anything they say to you, Alec,” whispered Magnus. The only thing that made him look even alive was the fact that his chest was moving up and down, but it was faster than a normal person's chest should move.

Camille bent down and got on her knees, leaning her weight on the arms behind her back. “Magnus told you Jonathan raped him, no?” Alec nodded, his eyebrows furrowing even deeper and a frown appearing on his face. “Oh, my. What lies has he been feeding you?”

“Can you just tell me what's going on!?” asked Alec, his voice raising a little. He was glad nobody else was here.

“Magnus lied to you, sweetie,” said Camille, “Jonathan asked Magnus, and Maia, what they wanted. Maia drunkenly said yes and they went up to the room. Magnus, thinking he can be the knight in shining armor, opened the door and told Jonathan that he wanted a threesome with the two-”

“No, I didn't-”

“-Maia declined it, but Jonathan was definitely up for experiments. Maia then left, completely disgusted and not in the mood, and Jonathan and Magnus got it on,” she gave Alec a smile. “Magnus said it hurt a bit, but never once told Jonathan to 'stop' or 'no' meaning that he was very open to the idea of having sex with him.”

“I didn't-”

“You didn't, what? Tell Jonathan to stop or no?” Magnus tensed his jaw as he tried his hardest to keep his tears in. He could see a confused Alec in the corner of his eye and prayed that he didn't believe them. She smiled when he was silent, “Hmm. That's what I thought.”

_“Get off me, Jonathan. Please, get off. Get off!”_

“How could you lie to me, Magnus?” whispered Alec. Magnus let a choked sob leave his mouth as, for the first time since the two got there, he turned to face him. “Why would you say you got raped when you didn't?” Magnus could see the anger boiling in him.

“I didn't, Alec. I told him to get off me-”

“Did you?!” screamed Alec, standing up in his chair. Magnus kept eye contact with him for the entire time. “You lied. You lied about getting fucking raped!” he screamed. “What else did you lie about, huh? The fingermark bruises, they were just makeup, weren't they?”

Magnus shot up, “I didn't fucking lie, Alec!” cried Magnus. “Ask Maia! Fucking ask her and see what she says because I didn't fucking want it!” Magnus stopped and took a deep breath, calming his anger almost immediately. “Alec,” he said taking a step forward towards him. “Please. You know me-”

Alec took a step back, “I thought I did,” he whispered. Magnus stared at him with the taste of salt from his tears on his tongue, and before he even knew it, Alec turned around and walked to the door and slammed it hard on him. He watched in agony as he got into his car and he quickly ran over to the door, opening it and running out.

“Alec!” he screamed, but it was too late. His car sped off and out of the station. He heard a chuckle behind him and turned around, running towards Camille and pushing her hard, her back coming in contact with the wall. Then, a hand was around his neck and he choked, trying to catch his breath. _“L-Le' m-me g'-go,”_

Jonathan squeezed tighter, “Don't ever touch her again, you hear me, Bane?” Magnus said nothing but continued trying to catch his breath. Camille came over and chuckled at them, with a hint of a pained expression, and Jonathan began dragging him to their car. When Magnus began seeing black spots in front of his face, he was chucked into the backseat and the car door was slammed behind him.

Magnus felt the panic begin like a cluster of spark plugs in his abdomen. Tension grew in his face and limbs, his mind replaying the last attack. His breathing became more rapid, more shallow. In these moments before his personal hurricane, he understood the drug addict, the alcoholic... anything to stop the primal urge to flee. Magnus called out for somebody, no answer. He called again, his heart racing faster - no answer. Again - no answer. Again -no answer. Nobody.

Magnus' eyes scanned him and the panic grew. In seconds he was curled tight in the backseat, his only movement the trembling of his limbs and salty tears darkening his sleeves. There he stayed, unaware of the passing time going to his house until he found the feelings had passed. Opening his eyes to the softening sun he gazed at the clouds, brilliant white against the blue. Though he could still hear each of his breaths, rasping just the same as when he had the flu - he'd made it. Nobody there. No help. Just himself. With the slightest of smiles and pink puffed eyes, he tried picking himself up but felt himself moving on his own record. Next time would be easier, and the time after and the time after, until it all went away. For the first time in forever, he had the hope of being free, able to just be himself. A moment after those thoughts, he was dropped onto a doorway before Camille and Jonathan turned away.

He pushed himself up on shaky legs, grabbing the bricks of wood around the doorframe for help, and realizing that this door was his own. He swallowed thickly and put a weak hand on the doorknob and pushed the door open, stumbling in and barely closing it shut when he felt himself being thrown back into the wall near the stairs and another hand around his throat. “Where the fuck was you?! I was worried sick you little fuck!”

Magnus leaned his head up, beginning to breathe through his nose, but it was no use. He had barely gotten his breath back when he took a single step into the house. “I-if you rea-lly cared at a-all for me, you'd l-let me g-go,” He thought that if he said that, maybe his dad would let him go, but he never. He only gripped on tighter.

“You deserve this!” he yelled, throwing him onto the stairs. Magnus let out an agonizing scream of pain as a sharp edge dug into his back. “Do you know how much money I had to give up for your fucking medical bills?! I wasted it all on you when you should've been dead!” Magnus balled his hands into fists and squeezed his eyes shut when he felt himself being pushed onto his front and the sound of a belt unbuckling. “If it wasn't for you and your fucking dumb mother, my life wouldn't perfect!” He slapped as the belt down onto Magnus' back and he screamed out in agony, tears already falling when he opened his eyes.

“Get off of me!” cried Magnus, throwing his legs back. _Be a good boy and don't move your hands._ Even though what was happening was completely different from the event that he was imagining, the pain was almost exactly the same. _If you don't let go of his hand, I will fuck him until he's dead._ He realized, in that moment, as the belt came in contact twice as hard as before on his back, that he was already dead.

24 hours ago, or maybe even less than that, he thought that life was perfect. That his life was becoming better and nothing would hurt him anymore but just one thing, one small lie, turned everything back to how it was again. It wasn't really small, to be honest, but now it was. Everything that has happened in his life was not as big as a couple weeks ago. Nothing was as big as what happened at Pandemonium.

“You're going to rot in hell you filthy,” The belt came down again, “demonic,” and again. “Mistake!” and for the last time, again, before he dropped the belt onto his saw, open wounded back and walked off into the kitchen, grabbing a beer bottle as he went. “Get up to your room,” he heard him say, and quickly moved, getting up on his weak, probably bruised, scraped, and abused legs and running up the stairs he had just been beaten on.

When the door closed behind him quickly, he ran over to his bin and threw up, sobbing. He fell back onto the floor and turned to look at the shattered mirror, gasping when he saw his back. Blood was still dripping down, but not as much as before. He could barely even see the wounds due to the amount of blood.

He looked up to the ceiling and let out another cry of pain. 3 more months. He has to deal with the torture from his stepfather for 3 more months before he's finally gone for good. “Why…” cried Magnus, “Why did you have to leave me with him, Mama? Why couldn't you take me with you?” When the answer he had been looking for wasn't there, he let his side lean onto the bed and closed his eyes, wishing that everything went away, wishing for happiness....

And wishing that he had never been alive to begin with.

**“What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true. I have no peace, no quietness. I have no rest; only trouble comes.”**

**\- Job 3:25-26**

  
When Alec slammed his house door behind him, he instantly heard footsteps coming down the stairs. “Alec,” said Jace, running over to him and putting a hand on his shoulder. Alec brushed it off and walked forward, into the kitchen. “Alec, buddy, what's wrong? Aren't you supposed to be with Magnus at the police station?”

Alec scoffed and opened the fridge violently. “Yeah, okay then.”

Jace furrowed his eyebrows towards Isabelle who looked back at him with an equally confused face. “Okay… What's happened? I'm not dumb. I know something's happened between the two of you…” Alec chuckled and closed the fridge hard, turning around to face them with a smoothie in his hand.

“Yeah, I think anybody could clearly fucking see that, Jace,” he snapped. Isabelle's eyebrows raised and as he began to walk past, she put a hand on his chest and stopped her. “What?!”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” she asked, heart, aching slightly. “And don't say some dumb shit like some witty comeback. Tell us what happened, Alec,” she saw him tense his jaw and tears come to his eyes, but he pushed her hand off and walked to the living room and sat down on the couch, looking blankly at the black TV screen.

“He lied,” said Alec, opening his smoothie without looking as tears rolled down his cheeks. Isabelle and Jace, who were about to walk away and leave him be, came and sat down next to him, one on each side. “He fucking lied…”

“About what?” asked Jace. “What did he lie about?”

“About being fucking raped!” yelled Alec. Isabelle and Jace's eyebrows shot up and they both felt like the air had been knocked out of his lungs. “Magnus asked for a fucking threesome with M-Maia and Jonathan.”

“Alec… are you certain?” asked Isabelle. There was no way, not in a million years, would Magnus ever lie about something like that. “Magnus… he wouldn't do that Alec, you know that,” He shrugged and shook his head, “Who told you?”

“Camille and Jonathan,” said Alec, and suddenly, everything went back to normal for them. Well, Isabelle at least. For some reason, Jace believed it too. Isabelle would've thought that at least Alec would've thought better, but, clearly,y he didn't. He was the one being brainwashed, now. “They told me and it's true…”

“They're lying, Alec,” said Isabelle, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Do you really believe them after everything they've done?” Alec wiped his nose.

“Well, yeah! The whole story was believable and-and Magnus barely said a word.”

“Would you?” asked Isabelle. “Imagine if you were raped and your rapist walked through the door with your manipulative ex. Would you say something or would you freeze? Because I know which one I would do.”

“I would say something, obviously!” said Alec, looking at her like she was the dumbest person in the world. “If it had really been a lie then he would've said something, but he was just… he didn't say anything,” Isabelle sighed and took her hand off his shoulder, putting her head in it instead.

Jace swallowed thickly, “I'm going to beat the living shit out of Bane. How the fuck could he lie about something like that?”

“He didn't lie, for fuck sake,” said Isabelle, getting off the chair and walking to the door. “I'm going to go over and talk to Magnus and get his view of the story, just me and him, and maybe you'll understand,” She slipped on her shoes and saw both the confusion on the boy's faces.

“Maybe we will understand what? That he needs to get his head bashed into a wall?”

Isabelle rolled her eyes, grabbing her pair of keys. “Shut the fuck up, Jace,” snarled Isabelle. “If you touch Magnus, you'll head will be the one bashed into a wall next, you got it?” Jace rolled his eyes but never said anything, and with that, she left the house.

**“I think I'm afraid of becoming happy because whenever I get too happy,**  
**Something bad always happens.”**

Isabelle practically jumped out of her car and ran her way into the hospital, heart beating in her chest. She wasn't afraid of what Magnus said, but she afraid that Alec may be true. She walked up the counter and rang the bell, a woman coming out almost immediately after. “Can I speak to Dr. Lennon, please?” asked Isabelle.

Like he heard his name being called, which he probably did, he walked out of the door and up to Isabelle with a smile. “Hello. Isabelle. Are you coming here to tell me about where Magnus is?” Isabelle furrowed her eyebrows and shook her head, letting out a small, forced chuckle.

“I thought that he was here? Wasn't he supposed to come back after he went to the police?” asked Isabelle, the panic, and fear obvious in her voice to anybody. He saw the same exact feelings spread across the Doctors face.

“Magnus said that he would make his way back with Alec?” Isabelle's mouth fell open. “Is Alec okay?”

“Yes… They just… Jonathan and Camille, Magnus' manipulative and abusive ex, came in and told a lie and for some reason, Alec believed it and left without bringing Magnus back here…” she said. Dr. Lennon's eyebrows shot up and he nodded, beginning to write something down.

He looked up, “We will call the police in the morning, seeing that he may walk in from here to then, and if you find him please give us a call. You know our number,” he said. Isabelle nodded quickly, running out of the hospital as best as she could in her heels and getting into the car, phone already in her hand. “Alec?” said Isabelle.

“What did he say?” asked Alec. Isabelle sighed, putting the phone on speaker and putting it in the other chair while she started up the engine to the car.

“He's not at the hospital.”

“What, why?” asked Alec. The only thing present in his voice was curiosity, not fear about where he could be. Or maybe he was, but he just didn't show it. She hoped he was.

“I don't know, Alec, maybe you should ask yourself that for leaving him at the police station without a ride back,” she said, starting the car and driving to his house. “The Doctors say they're going to call the police in the morning if he's not back, and I'm going to his house to see if he's there.”

Alec was silent for a couple of moments before he sighed, “Okay.”

“Okay? That's all you have to say?” asked Isabelle. To be honest, she was completely shocked by Alec. It was like him and Magnus wasn't even known, or like Alec didn't know Magnus at all. “You really have some fucking nerve to not care when your best friend could be dead in a ditch somewhere.”

“Obviously I care!” shouted Alec, “I just… I don't know what to do. What if Jonathan and Camille were right? What if Magnus did lie?” it was a question that they both wanted to be answered. “Can you keep the phone on while you two are talking but… not tell him I'm on the call?”

“Yeah,” she said, closing her door shut and walking over to his slightly ajar door. “Don't say anything though or make any noise,” she said, stuffing her phone into her back pocket. She walked over and knocked on the door, said door being answered immediately. “Hello,” she said to the man.

“What do you want?” asked the man. Isabelle swallowed thickly. This must be the stepfather.

“Magnus. Where is he?” asked Isabelle. The man raised his eyes at her boldness but stepped aside, pointing to the stairs and then walking off. Isabelle stepped in. As she walked to the stairs, she saw droplets of blood lead all the way up the stairs and a belt on the floor beside it. She swallowed thickly and walked up the stairs, shaking legs.

She followed the blood until it reached outside of a door and pushed it open, but immediately regretting that decision.

On the bed, Magnus had a razor in his right hand and blood dripping down his arms. Her eyes went wide and she ran forward, “Magnus!” she yelled. His head shot up before she pounced on her, trying to take the blade away.

“Get away from me! Get away!” he yelled, but it came out in sobs. “Don't touch me! Get off! Please!” he cried. When she felt a kick to the stomach, she backed away and tried to catch her breath. Isabelle stared at Magnus, whose arms and legs were shaking as he laid on his side, and as Isabelle took weary steps forward, she gasped again as she saw his back. “Don't tell Alec, please…”

Suddenly, Isabelle began to felt guilty but never ended the call. “I won't, okay, just… tell me what's wrong, okay?” She sat on the side of her bed, stroking his head in silence, before he sat up, his arms going under his bed as he searched for something. When he was bent over, she felt tears rising to her eyes as she saw the bloody marks on his back.

“Isabelle…” whispered Magnus, turning to face her with a gun in his hand. “Kill me,” he whispered, shakily passing her the gun. Her eyes went wide and she crawled back further on the bed, away from it. “Please, Isabelle, I need you to kill me…”

“No! Magnus, I would never!!” she exclaimed. “You have a life to live…”

“A life to live?” asked Magnus. “I have nothing else to lose, Isabelle. I had Alec, but he's gone now, and I know he's never coming back-” He cut himself off and forced out a chuckle, his arms beginning to shake. “You know, considering he was also complaining about the cops being brainwashed, it seems he is too.”  
“Magnus… Please, don't.”

He shook his head as his chin began to tremble, and Isabelle felt a slight vibration in her pocket, knowing that it was Alec talking. “Fine,” he whispered, bringing the gun up to his own head. “I'll do it,” Isabelle's eyes went wide.

“No!” she jumped forward,

And the gun fired.

**“When you were little if you fell they would ask you it hurt. You would point to your knees, your arm or an elbow and they would make it all better. But you noticed, as you get older if you fall they do not ask you where it hurts. You sit silently in your room waiting for somebody to ask you where it hurts, pointing to your head and your heart. Because that is where pain hurts the most, but nobody makes it better.”**

**- _h.g_**


	15. Chapter Fifteen- Lygophobia

**Lygophobia;** _the fear of darkness._

**“Trust doesn't come with a refill. Once it's gone, you probably won't get it back. And if you do, it will never be the same. & that's a fact.”**

“Why?” asked Isabelle, interrupting the silence that had once consumed the room. She got the now damp cloth and put it onto his back, attempting to wipe away the dried up blood from his reopened wounds. “Why would you put yourself in danger again?” She felt a vibration in her back pocket and took her phone out with her free hand, looking at the caller ID and then putting her phone down, ignoring it.

“I deserved it,” said Magnus, hissing in pain when the cloth made contact with a slash in his back. “Why don't you pick up the phone? It's probably Alec. It could be important,” Isabelle sighed and shook her head.

“You're more important,” she said. Magnus said nothing, the silence growing thicker and thicker intense before Isabelle dropped the cloth into the bucket with red colored water and shifted herself so she was now sat in front of him rather than behind. Isabelle grabbed Magnus' hands. “I know what happened with you and Alec in the police station and I am completely 100% on your side.”

He looked up, giving her a tight smile with teary eyes. “Thanks, Iz,” he whispered before shrugging. “But it doesn't matter. Alec is on their side now. Jace is probably as well because he just follows whatever Alec does, and Maia won't confront the police, so even if I did go to report about the rape, I would have no proof besides the bruises on me which could've been made by anything.”

Isabelle shook her head, shifting closer. “You're giving up hope so soon. Don't do that.”

“What else can I do, Isabelle?” snapped Magnus. Isabelle knew not to take it personally. “What else can I do when my best friend, the love of my fucking life, doesn't even believe me? What am I supposed to do when the only piece of human evidence I have doesn't want to get him in jail? I'm nothing. This whole fucking case is nothing.”

“You believe,” she said, eyebrows scrunched up in determination. “You believe that everything will fall together, one way or another. And I promise you, I promise you with my life, that Alec will come back to you. He's just… He's angry about everything that's going on. With you and at home.”

A scoff fell from his lips unconsciously. “I have the same excuse, Isabelle. My life at home isn't exactly what you'd call perfect, and neither is my entire fucking life, but I don't believe a rapist over my best friend and take all of the anger that I've kept in and scream at him for it.”

“But we all make mistakes, don't we?” asked Isabelle. Her herself was losing hope because what Magnus said was true. He had the biggest fucking point in the universe. “Please. I'll… I'll go to the police with you, okay? I'll be by your side the whole time.”

Magnus' eyes began to swim with confusion, and his eyebrows eventually furrowed. “Why?”

Tears built up in her brown eyes, “Because your life is worth living. You deserve to be here, and you deserve to be happy,” her voice cracked, and all the hope that had fallen to the bottom shot back up, making him rush forward and wrap his arms around her. “You deserve everything after what you've been through,” she whispered. Magnus chuckled lightly, holding on tighter.

“So do you,” he whispered, sniffing loudly. “Could you… Do you know who Tessa is?”

Isabelle pulled back and bit her lip, trying to even think of somebody with the name of Tessa, and shook her head. “No. Does she go to the school or work somewhere near here?” Magnus nodded.

“She works in Pandemonium,” he said. Isabelle's mouth froze open agape slightly before she closed it and nodded. “Could you… Could you go to her and ask her to come with us as well? You're great support and all, I mean it, but… She saw me that night. She saw me before and afterward, anyway.”

Her eyebrows raised before nodding rapidly, already standing up. “Yes. Yeah! Of course,” she said. She gave Magnus a smile before walking to the door before freezing. He watched her with curious eyes. “Would you… Would you mind if I maybe, searched the camera footage? Not of you two in the room, of course, but… Outside. When Maia had to let go of your hand? And maybe the cleaner who cleans the room?”

He was silent, but only for a couple of moments. “Okay,” he whispered, chin trembling slightly. “We can go tomorrow at 1 pm.”

“Yeah,” she smiled, “I'll see you tomorrow, Magnus,” Isabelle said before walking out of the door and to close it behind her. When she reached downstairs, she quickly ran back upstairs to grab her phone but paused when she saw Magnus in the open gap. His back was facing the mirror, but his head was over his shoulder, checking out his back. He grimaced, and when he turned around, Isabelle put a hand over her mouth to stop the gasp from being heard.

There were bruises on his neck from god knows what, which was definitely covered up with makeup and on both sides of his hips. She backed herself away and went down the stairs and out of the door as quietly as possible, not really thinking or imaging anything else besides the dark marks on his skin.

She hopped into the car and started her engine, turning on the radio and bobbing her head to the music the whole way home. And somehow, when she was beginning to recall what Magnus said, she realized something.

_“The love of my life.”_

Magnus' best friend, the person who he loves in every shape and form, the big brother to her had broken Magnus' heart. More than once. “Fucking dickhead,” she whispered into the song, shaking her head.

Isabelle pulled into the driveway, immediately getting out of her car and walking to the front door. When she opened it, both Alec and Jace came running towards her with panicked looks on their faces. She threw her keys into the bowl with a smile at a memory of what it was like when it had been Alec and Magnus instead, in a completely different situation.

_Isabelle opened the door with a smile on her face and threw her car keys in the bowl near the door. When she turned around, she saw Magnus and Alec running towards her with a smile on her face. “Hello, boys,” she said. “Unfortunately, they only had one strawberry left so I got a vanilla.”_

_“Bagsy, I'm getting the strawberry!” yelled Alec, grabbing the tube of strawberry ice cream. Magnus turned to face him, hands are thrown in the air and a pout on his lips._

_“That's not fair!” he yelled, following him into the kitchen. Isabelle watched with amused eyes as Alec shrugged. “Oi, bitch face, give me the ice cream!”_

_“Hell no,” said Alec, holding the ice cream up high while he searched for a spoon. Magnus jumped up as high as he could, trying his hardest to reach it, but ended up failing. “Haha, you're too tiny,” giggled Alec, opening the tub and sticking the spoon inside._

_“I hate you, Alec,” said Magnus, walking around the counter and towards the door. Alec's eyes went wide and he ran after him, slamming the front door shut when Magnus opened it with his shoes in his hands. “Leave me alone, you bully. “_

_“I'm sorry,” said Alec. Magnus glared at him, arms crossed over his body like a toddler, and ignored him. “Magnus,” whined Alec, carrying out the 'S'. “I'm sorry. Please forgive me,” he whispered. Magnus shook his head, “Please.”_

_Magnus stood still for a moment before turning his head to the side. Alec smiled and immediately leaned in, kissing his cheek, then Magnus reached for the ice cream, plucking it out of Alec's hand and dropping his shoes on the floor. He walked into the living room and sat onto the chair, digging his spoon into the ice cream. Alec's mouth fell agape, “No 'thank you, Alec!'?”_

_“Nope.”_

_“You're so mean!” shouted Alec, a pout on his lips. When Magnus looked up with a smile, it turned into a frown as he saw tears in his eyes. He dropped the ice cream onto the counter and ran forward, wrapping his arms around him and kissing his cheek. “Get off me,” whispered Alec, gently pushing at Magnus' chest._

_“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” said Magnus, kissing every inch of Alec's face except_ _his lips. “Do you forgive me?” asked Magnus. Alec looked at him and pointed to his nose. Magnus leaned in, and when he kissed it, he smiled and wrapped his arms around him too._

_Isabelle chuckled, bringing them out of their little trance. “You two are 5,” she said before beginning to walk up the stairs._

_“We're 17!”_

_“5!”_

“Is Magnus okay?!”

“Are you okay?!” They both asked in sync. Jace turned to face Alec, his eyebrows furrowing. “Don't you care about your sister?” he asked. Alec turned to face him, his worried expression turning into annoyance.

“Of course I do, you fucking doof. Can you see anything blood on her?” he said, “I can't see Magnus, therefore, I am asking if he's okay. Just because you don't like him doesn't mean you have to act like a bigger dick than you already are,” snarled Alec. Isabelle turned to face him, eyebrows raised in the same ways Jace's were but with different meaning.

Jace's meant; 'Excuse me? What the fuck did you just say to me?'

Whereas Isabelle's meant; 'You can't exactly talk when you broke your supposed best friends heart.' Before things got too heated, she rolled her eyes and put a finger in the air, silencing them immediately. “I need you to drive me to Pandemonium.”

“Why?” asked Alec, facing Isabelle with nothing but confusion on his face.

“Probably getting something for Magnus,” muttered Jace. Isabelle turned to look at him, tilting her head to the side with a slight smirk. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Well done for putting that 1 brain cell to use,” she said. She pointedly ignored the hurt expression on Jace’s face, having no time for giving sympathy, and turning back to Alec. “I need to talk to this Tessa girl that Magnus is friends with. She saw him before and after it happened and I am going to get some footage in the hallway.”

Alec nodded, grabbing his keys and running out behind Isabelle. “Wait, why do you need them?” He slid into the front seat and quickly put the car into the engine. “Are you going somewhere or something? Is he going somewhere?” Isabelle turned to Alec, lips in a thin line and she nodded, even though she was pretty sure Alec couldn't see as he was looking forward.

They pulled onto a road and practically sped down, “Yeah. Magnus is going to the police about the rape tomorrow and he said he wanted Tessa, this girl who works at the bar and is also his friend, to be there with him,” Alec's heart began to ache slightly at the fact that Magnus didn't want him there, but he 100% agreed with his decision. Alec wouldn't want himself there if he was in Magnus' position, either.

“Oh,” said Alec, turning around a corner fast.

Isabelle sighed, turning her position so she was sat with her body facing Alec's. “You broke him, Alec,” He swallowed painfully, eyes on the road. “And you didn't even say sorry,” she whispered, voice cracking a bit. When Alec's mouth opened slightly, she held up her finger. “I know that you don't believe them now, even if you admit it or not, but… You damaged him so bad. I don't think I've ever seen somebody so… so lost and sad in my life.”

Alec stopped the car outside of Pandemonium, looking straight ahead of him. Isabelle opened the car door, “I love him,” blurted out Alec. Isabelle paused as he turned to face her. “I really, really love him. I… He's the love of my life,” Isabelle smiled.

“He said the same thing,” she said, before shutting the door and walking in.

Alec's eyes went wide as he realized that Magnus likes him back. Magnus loves him back, even. He felt a stutter in his heart, it begins to beat faster before it died down as he remembered; they weren't friends anymore. Alec definitely wasn't a person who was shy about apologizing. He didn't feel weak or pathetic because he knows that he had fucked everything up. Again.

He curled his hands into fists, bringing them up and slamming them onto the wheel of the car. “Goddamnit!” A tear slipped from his now dull hazel eyes, resulting in him to wipe it away violently with force. He knew that it would do nothing, but what else could he do? He could apologize, sure, but he knew his heart would play up and he'd break Magnus' heart and his in the process. Like some dumb, selfish bastard.

Sitting in the car for over 15 minutes, his mind on Magnus the whole time, he sighed in relief when Isabelle came back. She slid into the car without saying a word, an angry yet sad look on her face. When they were halfway home, Alec sighed, breaking the silence. “Why are you so… Mad?”

Isabelle, probably waiting for the question, sighed in relief and groaned at the same time. “I talked to the man in charge of the surveillance about the footage which he, unfortunately, showed me, to make sure that it was the right one and all, and when I told the man that I needed it for evidence, he had the fucking cheek to say no and that rapes happen all the time in Pandemonium, which they can apparently do 'nothing' about!” she screamed. “They're all fucking sick. This whole town is disgusting.”

“Did you at least get Tes… Tessa, was it?” he asked.

“Yeah,” said Isabelle. “I got her. Not that she's much help, but, I guess she can do some good in the situation,” Alec raised his eyebrows in question, and Isabelle seeing this cleared up what she meant. “She saw him before and going up the stairs and all, but she didn't see anything happen. All she saw was Magnus coming down, tear tracks down his face, ruffled clothes, messy hair, and this petrified look on his face,” she sighed again. “She came over to him and asked him what's wrong, but all he told her was not to touch him and walked out.”

“Well why didn't Tessa go after him?” asked Alec, coming out harsher and rougher than intended. He saw Isabelle face him, eyebrows raised slightly and a confused yet angry look on her face.

“Well, what would you do if Magnus begged you not to touch him and then walking out? Would you really follow him and put your hands on his shoulders or kiss his cheek like you normally would?” she asked, “Because I know for a certain that I wouldn't.”

Alec clenched his jaw, shutting the car off when he parked the car near their house and walked out, slamming the door behind him. “What? Are you mad at me now or something? Well, guess what, Alec? You fucking broke his heart whereas he doesn't have the guts to even break yours, so I'm doing it for him.”

“I'm already fucking broken!” yelled Alec, spinning around and throwing his arms in the air. “I broke myself when I was shouting at Magnus, calling him a liar and taking the rapists side!” Her eyes went wide at his outburst. “I was already fucking broken before that. You wanna know why? Because I loved him! I loved him with all of my fucking heart but no matter what I did, I knew I would never catch the eye of him!” He forced out a chuckle and held out a finger to her, “So don't try and break somebody who's already broken,” he said, before walking into the door and rushing up to his room, tears falling as he went.

**“We cling to music, to poems, to quotes, to writing, to art because we desperately do not want to be alone. We want to know we aren't going crazy and someone else out there knows exactly how you're feeling. We want someone to explain the feelings we can't.”**

Magnus was laying on his front with his head to his left, looking at his reflection in the dark room. He took in his whole self, starting with his thighs and going his way up his body, and he hated it because on every feature he looked at, something was wrong. Something looked ugly.

His thighs were too big.

His stomach was disgusting and not thin enough,

His back had the biggest slashes on which will make horrible scars.

His arms were horrible and felt rough.

His fingers were chubby, along with his hands.

His shoulders were slumped.

His neck looked too long.

His face… Everything, really.

Everything about him looked horrible, from what he could see so far, and he hated it. Why couldn't he go back to the times where he didn't worry about anything? Where nobody was harsh? Where you could tattle tale on them to the teacher and they'd stop hurting you and become friends instantly? When nobody made comments or opinions of you? Where people actually cared and loved you? When life was better?

He hasn't lived his whole life, sure, and there were many opportunities and maybe amazing things waiting for him down the line, but he knows that he's lived far too long, dealing with everything. Honestly, he doesn't really know how he's survived. Attempted suicide or not.

Magnus got up, turning on the lamp on his bedside table and opening his drawer, pulling out the blade he had been using earlier and just… stared at it. Isabelle told him “It isn't worth it, Magnus.” But why isn't it when it is the only thing he has control over? The only thing that… helps him.

Needless to say, he cut his arms as much as he could until he felt nothing at all, which was exactly what he had wanted from the beginning when everything started going wrong. - To feel no pain. To feel no heartbreak and heartache. To feel absolutely numb.

**“Inside she's a wreck. When you see her she looks perfectly fine. Deep down her mind is a mess. When she's with you she looks happy. When she's alone she's fragile. This girl is full of dreams. She wants to escape her town, meet new people, travels, explore the world, and go on fun road trips. At midnight and perhaps one day, she'll be truly happy. And when you ask her, “Are you okay?” For once, she'll say “I'm fine.” And it wouldn't be a lie.”**

**\- A.E**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, Angels! Sorry for that cliffhanger last chapter, haha. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and should I've put a trigger warning at the beginning of the chapter for self-harm? It wasn't graphic at all, so I didn't think I needed it, but what do you guys think?
> 
> Also, I am also in the process of writing a longggggg one shot. I doubt it will be posted anytime for the next few weeks, but, I am really excited about it! Hint; the movie is on Netflix and it features two boys on different sides (they're meant to be enemies) ;)) 
> 
> AND for the person asked, Raphael will be added into this story very soon ;)


	16. Chapter Sixteen- Mnemophobia

**Mnemophobia;** _the fear of memories._

**“I hate getting flashbacks at things I don't want to remember.”**

“You're here to report a crime?” asked Luke Garroway, the police officer. Magnus felt Tessa grip onto his hand tighter which only made him panic more, really. He nodded. “Okay. When and where did this crime happen?”

“Pandemonium at… I don't know. Somewhere in between 8 to 10?” replied Magnus. Luke wrote something down on his pad, and Magnus could see the swirly writing, smiling as it reminded him of Alec's. He always loved the fact that everybody's handwriting in the world was different. It was fascinating, in a way.

“Alright,” he looked back up. “What happened at the club?”

Magnus swallowed thickly, looking down at his crossed legs. This was the thing he would hate the most. Talking about it. Reminding himself about it. And ending up reliving the terrible moment. “I… I was r-raped…” His voice was shaky, cracking here and there, and he hated it.

It was weird because he hated talking about it but he hated feeling weak when he did. The only solution he really had was to not even think about it at all. Try and… Forget about it. Move on, as people would say.

“Can you tell me what happened? And is there any witnesses or other victims?”

Magnus debated when he was driving here if he should bring up Maia's name, but right now, he didn't really care about anything, honestly. All he cared about was getting Jonathan locked away for as long as he could. “Maia Roberts. She… She knew it was about to happen and she was going to get… to get raped but I stopped it. I…. I saved her from him.”

“You stopped it? How?”

“I… I ran into the room. I overheard him and his friend talking about it when I was locked away in the bathrooms after some boys were being assholes in the hallway,” he snarled. Magnus realized he was becoming more and angrier as he told it, making him become more confident in saying it. He hated that, too. “So, I went there. I watched him the entire night until I saw him try and take Maia but I helped her. She… She didn't deserve it.”

“And you?” Luke asked. Magnus looked up, tears in his eyes which made everything blurry but faintly made up the figure of the police officer in front of him, “Did you deserve it?”

The question caught him so off guard, so confused as to why he never asked himself this and blurted out the first thing on his mind. “Yes.”

Luke, himself, looked taken back by answer and quickly shook his head, dropping his pen down. “You didn't deserve it, Magnus. Nobody deserves that kind of thing happens to them,” he said. Magnus nodded shakily, all his confidence and anger fading. “Who was the man?”

“Boy,” corrected Magnus.

“Boy.”

Magnus shrugged, a salty tear falling down his face. “You won't believe me if I told you. Nobody does, really,” his mind, unfortunately, went to Alec.

“I will, I promise,” _Jonathan. He raped me. The pain. Oh my god, the pain. I can't cope with thinking about it anymore. Every time I walk past a guy I am terrified the same thing will happen again. I'm afraid that I'll have to see his face for the rest of my life and I can't cope with-_

“Jonathan Morgenstern.”

“J-Jonathan Morgenstern? Valentine Morgenstern's son? You know, the man whose head of the school you said you were at to another officer?” Magnus could see the disbelief on the man's face and he wanted to slap it off him. Believe me. Please. Please believe me.

He nodded, “Yeah. Unfortunately,” he whispered. Luke nodded, probably only just taking in the news that Valentine's son could possibly be a rapist and wrote it down fast. “Isabelle and Camille were victims too,” He saw Isabelle snap her head towards him in the corner of his eyes. “Well, nearly Isabelle.”

“What do you mean?” asked Luke, the fear suddenly starting to show as he stared at a shocked and confused Isabelle.”Almost? What… What stopped it from happening?”

Magnus let another tear slip, “Alec,” he whispered before shaking his head, the tear falling off. “I don't know exactly what happened, but I know that he stopped it from happening by… walking in or something? I don't know. I'm sorry,”

“No, No, it's okay,” said Luke as he gave Isabelle a sideways look. “It isn't your fault. There was no way you could've stopped it. You didn't know. I'm just glad Alec was there,” Magnus swallowed thickly. He hated admitting this, but he wanted to save her, even if he had no way of knowing anything will happen. He wanted to save somebody if he couldn't save himself instead. “What is Camille's last name?”

“Belcourt.”

“Is there anybody else that may know something as well?” asked Luke, looking back down at his paper. “I have Tessa Grey, Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood, Maia Roberts, and Camille Belcourt so far.”

“Catarina Loss and Ragnor Fell maybe… I'm not certain if they know anything, though.”

“And the surveillance guy in Pandemonium,” cut in Isabelle. “I talked to him the other day and he has footage. Proof. He wouldn't give it to me, but If you went to him and forced him too, he would. I'm sure of it,” she smiled and shrugged. “He was a wuss, honestly.”

“Okay,” said Luke, quickly writing down the names. “I’ll see what I can do, okay?” Magnus nodded, taking a deep breath. “We don’t want you to feel unsafe anymore. We’ll get him locked up. Don't worry.”

_But honestly, that was the only thing he could really do._

**"Maybe everything would be better if I just gave up."**

Alec had been lying in his bed, face up as he looked at his ceiling, since the time he had shouted at Izzy, which she didn’t deserve. Alec knew that. He did. He was just… too afraid to come out as weak and pathetic by apologizing. A part of him had that confidence, but the other didn’t.

He hates that side of him. The side that always thinks about the negatives and not the positives. The one that tells him things he doesn’t want to imagine. The worse side of him. He was glad, though, that everybody had a side like that too. He didn’t like being alone.

The clocked ticked constantly to his right, counting down the seconds that go by. When you listen, doing absolutely nothing and just listening, you realize how fast minutes, hours, and days go by. Second, by second, something is happening on the other side of the world which you may want to stop but don’t know it’s happening. Or, it could be happening right in your town - something you want to stop but have no control of.

God, he wanted control so bad.

Everything would be better, then. He’d stop bad things from happening to people he cares about. He’d stop himself from saying things that he wished he did. He’d stop every single crime in the world. He’d stop…Well, for him, he’d stop life.

Alec knew he was being selfish. Compared to other people, like Magnus, his world is great. He has a home, siblings, food, water, a happy life, great friends, and many more things, but he takes it all to his advantage and says “My life is the worst,” when, really, his life could be considered perfect for somebody who was just walking down the street and observing them.

That was one of his favorite things to do- people watch. He would watch people from his window, and even though that sounds creepy, he’d try and figure out everything about them just by their looks. For example, are they single? Do they live with their parents? Are they 15 or 19? Are they… Happy? So many things can be shown just by looking at a stranger, but also barely anything can be shown. You know what they look like, what they like to wear, how their resting face looks like, but you don’t know their backstory - everything about them that made them who they are.

He moved so that he was sitting with his body upright and slightly slumped. He reached over for his phone and flinched when he felt a vibration, not really expecting one to happen. He turned it on and his eyebrows furrowed almost immediately.

 **Ragnor F=** _what did u tell the police for fuck sake_.

 **Catarina L=** _Why have Ragnor & I got a fucking call from the police telling us they need up in court?????? Care to explain?????_

Maia R= What the fuck Alec!?!???! Why the actual fuck did you tell the police what Jonathan did to me!! You’re such a fucking asshole it wasn’t your secret to tell. You wouldn’t like it if you were nearly a victim and you didn’t want to secret to be out would you!!! No!

Before he could really respond to anybody, his bedroom door opened and he froze. He closed his eyes as he waited for the sound of Isabelle’s voice shouting at him until his ears fell off, but instead, it was Clary - Isabelle’s girlfriend. “Hey, Alec.”

His head shot up and he quickly turned off his phone, putting it back on his bedside table. “Hi,” he said, completely shocked by the fact that Clary was talking to him. He had been very protective over Isabelle when the two started going out, and Alec hadn’t been very nice to her. Their ‘friendship’ progressed as her and his sister's relationship went on, but they never talked, and Clary had definitely never been in Alec's room.

“I'm guessing you heard about the news from Isabelle…” said Clary as she closed the door and walked over to his bed, sitting down on it. She gave Alec a tight smile, but the only thing present on Alec's face was curiosity.

“No?” he said, “Isabelle hasn't told me anything. She hasn't come home, or texted me, I'm pretty sure.”

“Oh…” she said, looking down at her hands as they fumbled together. “Magnus, Tessa, and Isabelle all went to the police station today and he told Luke what happened vaguely, and, they needed… people who were victims, or knew what happened? I don't know how to explain it, but, Jonathan, Maia, Isabelle, Tessa, the surveillance guy at Pandemonium, Camille, Catarina, Ragnor, and… And you.”

“Me? Why me?”

“You said you were there that night, and that Maia showed you the… the aftermath,” she thought he would snap or breakdown just by some of the things she was saying, and he hated how she was right. “Nobody really knows what's happening but I'm guessing that they're bringing this to court,” Alec's eyebrows shot up, almost disappearing into his hairline.

“Court? Why? Shouldn't they just talk to me, Maia, and get the footage off the man?”

“It's not that simple.”

“How is it not simple?!” he screamed, but not at Clary. More at the world, really.

She sighed, shrugging lightly. “Jonathan is basically loved by the entire city, Alec. This whole town is completely brainwashed by his 'intelligence' and 'positive attitude' that they would immediately point the fingers at Magnus and tell him that he's a liar when we both know he's not. And since Luke knows you, something must've made him call up the court.”

“What do you mean by that?” he asked, eyebrows furrowing.

“Not every rape crime goes into court, Alec, otherwise we'd be having a court every minute of the day,” she said before sighing again, “What I'm trying to say is something must've happened to you, or to Isabelle, or maybe even to Jace for Luke to even consider putting this at court.”

“Nothing has happened to Isabelle, has it?!” the fear rushed through him like running in the last couple seconds of a marathon. “Plus, she would tell me, wouldn't she?” Clary nodded, putting her hands on his shoulder to try and calm him down.

“Nothing has happened to her, okay? Stop worrying,” Alec took a deep breath and nodded, calming himself quickly. She took her hands off and walked over to the door, opening it before pausing and turning back around. “Be prepared for court, Alec.”

“Why?”

She stared at him, jaw clenching and tears coming quickly in her eyes. “Imasu Morales, the best lawyer in the US, is defending Jonathan,” Alec's eyes went wide. “We may not have a chance on bringing justice to our best friend, and I know you don't want that that happens,” And she walked out, closing the door tight behind her.

**“It's sad when the person who gave you the best memories becomes a memory.”**

“Who the fuck are you?” was the first thing that Jace heard when Magnus' door opened. He looked the man up and down, wanting to gag at how bad he smelled - or maybe that was just the house - and by what he was wearing. “Oi, pretty boy,” Jace looked up, frown on his lips. “What do you want?”

“I'm here to see Magnus,” he said, and the man who Jace now presumed to be Magnus' father rolled his eyes and walked away, but leaving the door open as a silent invitation. He walked up the stairs quickly and pushed open every door and huffed in relief when he saw Magnus inside one of them, removing his makeup. “Hello, Magnus.”

Magnus spun around, looking at Jace in confusion. “What are you doing here?”

“Just wanted to pay you a visit,” he said, putting his hands behind his back and walking around the room, inspecting it. When he saw the mirror, he immediately knew what happened, but didn't care. Only looked at it for a couple of seconds before turning back to Magnus. “So, I heard the news.”

“What news was that, exactly?” asked Magnus, standing up and pushing his chair into the slot. “In case you've forgotten, blondie, there's been a lot of news recently.”

“The one about you, court, Jonathan, lying. You know, all the usual,” Jace stopped in front of Magnus, giving him a smile which Magnus knew meant nothing. “Such a pity for Jonathan. Having to go to court and testify against you, the liar.”

“I'm not a liar,” growled Magnus through gritted teeth.

Jace chuckled, taking a step forward. “I have a deal for you,” said Jace, eyes dark and threatening. Or at least he hoped they were. “You can leave town, and I'll tell everybody that you were just lying because somebody was threatening, or you can stay here and deserve the pain that will, eventually, be given to you.”

“Fuck off, Herondale.”

“Lightwood.”

“ _Wayland_.”

The rage built up so strong that when he felt his fist make contact with Magnus' jaw, he almost felt it break beneath it. Magnus screamed out in pain, stumbling back until his back was digging into the edge of the vanity table. Jace grabbed Magnus' hair and pulled it down, making him bent over, and slammed his knee into his stomach. He collapsed with another cry, but Jace walked out. He heard the heavy panting as he walked down the stairs, but that was the last thing on his mind.

Magnus knew what was coming to him, he thought. But he never, a voice told Jace at the back of his head, but Jace didn't listen. He hated that part of him. Just like Alec, but the opposite.

And as Magnus lay there, panting and bleeding, he couldn't help but really believe that he had deserved everything that has happened to him recently. The beatings, the bullying, the rape. Every. Single. Thing.

Really, he was better off dead.

**“Our memories have voices, too.**  
**Often sad ones that calmer like raised arms in the dark.”**

Magnus woke up in the middle of the night to his phone buzzing like crazy and groaned slightly. He reached his arm out and blindly reached for it, praying to God that he doesn't knock anything over, and sighs in relief when he finally grabs it. He pressed the home button, his eyes squinting at the brightness, and probably read over every text, his eyes widening on each one.

**Isabelle:** _Luke just called me and told me they're bringing this to court. He told us to bring every bit of evidence we have, but I don't think we have any besides the footage, right? Txt me if we have any XXOX_

**Catarina:** _What the fuck have you done!! I have to go to court because of_ you you _fucking cunt_

  
**Ragnor:** _You know since we were friends before it would've been kind of you to not involve me in your problematic shit and for a while, I guessed you had finally learned to leave me and Cat alone but after getting a call, I realized that wasn't the case. Fuck u magnus and leave us alone for god sake!!!! After this dumb fucking rapist bullshit is done you can fucking get out of my life bc i can't deal w u anymore._

 **Camille:** Why are you making up propaganda by fucking telling the cops that I was raped by Jonathan? Just kill yourself and everybody's lives will be better for fuck sake!!!

 **Clary:** Mags, I don't want to scare you or anything, but the news about court has been leaked. I wouldn't go into school if I were you (which I'm pretty sure you wasn't anyways but just a heads up) stay safe xox

 **Simon:** Hope you're okay, bud! Me, Clary, Isabelle, Alec, and Jace have all got your back!

Magnus dropped his phone down and felt his chin begin to tremble. _News about the court has been leaked._ Everybody knows. _I wouldn't go to the school if I were you._ Nobody will believe him. Why was it whenever he thought things were getting better, they always swerved off the road and plummeted into the water?

_“Just kill yourself and everybody's lives will be better.”_

_“Problematic shit.”_

_“Fucking cunt.”_

They were right.

**“I got hated on for being myself,**  
**So I started hating myself.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for this shitty ending but I needed to post today :(
> 
> BTW, every Wednesday I go out with my friends so you most likely won't get a chapter on that day. I've been posting less recently because I've been really stressed about my tests even though they're not even that important. I got my science back and lemme tell you I am not good at science :) 
> 
> Will probably post tomorrow but won't promise anything. Goodnight, Loves!


	17. Chapter Seventeen- Asthenophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings  
> = Self Harm & mentions of Rape

**Asthenophobia;** _the fear of weakness_ **.**

**“Never show your weakness to the world, because the world is very interested to play with it.”**

4 days. It had been 4 full days, and Alec still hadn't spoken or even seen Magnus. He was aware of the fact that Isabelle and Magnus were always together now like they were glued to each other's side, and he hated it. He knew he was selfish saying that, but he hated it, and the fact that he knew he had no right to be hurt him even more. He broke Magnus, but if him now being with Isabelle makes him happy, then that's something he's willing to do.

He fumbled with his own fingers in his lap as the judges took their places on the side. He felt how tense Clary was from beside him which only made his nerves go higher. He looked away from the judges and changed it so he was looking in front of him. Well, at Magnus.

He was sat ahead of him, sitting next to somebody that he didn't recognize, and even from behind, Alec could see the worry and the fear all across Magnus' face. He doesn't blame him, though. When everybody didn't believe him, including, unfortunately, Alec, he was basically brainwashed into thinking they would too when they would. They should. Just like Alec should've.

“You work in Pandemonium as a bartender, correct?” asked Imasu, walking forward towards the stand where Tessa was currently sat. From here, Alec could see the fear on her face. She nodded. “And you and Magnus Bane are friends, correct?”

“We are,” she replied, nodding as well. “Only recently.”

“How did this friendship start?” he asked. The question wasn't out of the norm, but it was something that Alec had been curious about, even though he hadn't even met her.

“I was on the bus to Brooklyn, and as I was making my way to one of the back seats, I saw him there. He didn't know who I was, but I knew who he was,” she explained. “There had been many posts on social media. Some were nice, asking if anybody had seen him, whereas others weren't. I-”

“What were some of the rude comments? If you can remember?” she sighed, biting her lip as she tried to remember.

“One of them was saying how they hoped Magnus had died somewhere and that's why he hadn't been found,” Magnus winced, remembering reading that one. “Others were just saying how they hoped Magnus will never be found or that they hope Magnus got beaten to death.”

“Beaten by who?”

Her eyes went wide and they fell onto Magnus', whose eyes were just as wide, and saw him swallow thickly. She turned back the Imasu, “I don't know. I… I never heard anything about Magnus being beaten by anybody.”

“Do you have any ideas?”

“No,” she answered quickly. She saw the curiosity and disbelief on the man's face before it slid away and waved his hand, a silent invitation for her to continue. “Magnus told me that the reason he left was that Jonathan exposed his past to the school. I told him that I knew Jonathan and how big of a douche he was, but before we could talk about anything else, the bus stopped at Magnus' stop and he got off.”

“You said you knew Jonathan?” asked Imasu. Tessa nodded. “How?”

“He bullied me and my best friend, Jem,” Imasu nodded. His right hand slipped into his pocket like he was going to pull something out, and then never, she was half shocked, half not.

“So, you're implying that Jonathan is a rapist and a bully?”

“Yes, I am,” she said it like it was the easiest thing in the world, and it was. Imasu didn't know that though, as he, and many others, were completely out of their mind. “He's bullied Magnus, Jem, me, and god knows how many people.”

“So,” said Imasu, walking over so if he learned only a little bit forward, their noses would be touching, “In your deposition, you told us that Jonathan raped Magnus, according to Magnus,” Tessa nodded, “How do you know that this is true? Do you, or anybody in Pandemonium, actually see the rape happen?”

“Well, I saw him before and after. I saw Magnus walk up the stairs, following Jonathan into the rooms where you have sex in, and I saw him walking down the stairs with teat tracks down his face, rumpled hair, and this… this empty look in his eyes.” she explained, “Maia Roberts is the only person I'm aware of who knew it was about to happen.”

“But did she see it occur? Full detail?”

“I don't think so, no, but-”

“So nobody has actual evidence that the rape occurred?” Imasu had a small smile on his face when Tessa swallowed thickly and looked over at Magnus before giving a slight nod. “You also told us that Jonathan, the alleged rapist, bullied Magnus?” Tessa nodded again, “Do you have any proof of this? Have you seen any of the bullying happen?”

“I've seen some comments online made about Magnus, yes.”

“Were they from Jonathan?”

“They were, actually,” she said, nodding. “Jonathan got his whole football team to comment about Magnus' disappearance. They might have just generally not liked Magnus at all, but they most likely had no reason too.”

Imasu nodded, “But if Jonathan was bullying Magnus, why would he rape him?” Why the fuck would I know, thought Tessa, her eyebrows furrowing as she shrugged.

“I don't know. Maybe it was a way to torture him more.”

“But you have no evidence of this?”

“I don't talk to Jonathan, therefore, no, I don't,” Tessa wanted to scream at the man and slap him across his face for the dumb question asked, but was glad when he finally called their little convocation off.

“No further questions asked,” he said and turned around, walking back to his desk as the hammer came down on the wood, finishing off the court. She distantly saw Magnus was the first one to get up from his chair and walk out of the room, and she definitely saw Alec's sad eyes following him before jumping out of his seat and following him.

**“The saddest thing is when are feeling really down, you look around and realize that there is nobody there to be your shoulder.”**

“Magnus!” yelled Alec as he ran out of the courtroom. He saw Magnus' top half bent over with his hands running through his hair, balled up in tight fists that made his knuckles go white. He stopped, slightly hesitant to walk forward, but done so anyway. He sat down next to him. “Magnus…”

“What do you want, Alec?” asked Magnus, his voice full of only two emotions.

1) **Exhaustion** from the fact that even by the fact that Tessa was a very key part for information, they had lost. They'd lost on the first one, but doesn't that leave a bad sign for everything else?

2) **Anger** from… probably everything.

“This case isn't going to lose,” he said, ignoring the question from Magnus. He tried to make his voice sound strong, believing, but he doubts it turned out like that. “It may not be off to a great start, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have a good ending,” Like us, Alec wanted to say, but he didn't. He was too afraid that Magnus wouldn't say the same.

Magnus didn't answer for a couple of seconds before he turned his head to face Alec's, tear marks barely visible but shining in the light for Alec to be able to see them. “How do you know that? How do you know that this… this whole trial won't just end up getting thrown in the bin?”

“It won't, Magnus. It won't.”

“How do you know that?!” he repeated, more cruel and desperate than the last time he said it. “This trial is going to go to shit, and I'll have to see his face for… for longer than I want, and means absolutely fucking nothing because I don't want to see that jackass or his slutty fucking girlfriend again.”

“Mags,” he whispered, putting his hand on his back. Alec felt Magnus tense slightly and felt the urge to break out into tears, but didn't. He didn't want to break in front of somebody who was already breaking. “You're going to win this, okay? No matter how many times you lose, you're going to win this.”

Magnus let a single tear slip down his face and he saw it cling onto his chin before dropping, and that was, almost, a perfect example of what happened to Magnus. He held onto the edge, but he didn't have a strong enough grip, and he fell. He fell so deep into that dark, sad, empty well and he can't get back up with every bone in his body shattered - not that they weren't before, metaphorically. - Magnus could see that tiny speck of light, the one he tried to reach for, but couldn't. “I'm not.”

“How do you know that?” whispered Alec, chin beginning to tremble. Magnus shrugged, eyes fluttering shut for a second before reopening with glassy eyes.

“I just know,” he whispered back. For some reason that Alec really didn't know himself, he let the tears he had been holding back slip down his face. “Why are you crying?”

“Because I love you,” he said, “And I want to be friends again - to be what we were again - but I don't want you to forgive me for what I have done. The… The horrible, horrible, things i've said, and I've done,” Magnus only watched with eyes that were now full of care and nothing else, “I can't stand watching you and Isabelle get… get close because I love you so much and I… I hate thinking that you'll just move on from me with the snap of your fingers when mine will take a whole lifetime or two.”

“Oh, Alec,” he said, “I'll never forgive you,” Alec felt his blood run cold, but he knew that he shouldn't. He was happy, but sad, that Magnus wouldn't. “But… But that doesn't mean we can't start over?” he suggested. Alec's eyes lit up, going wide, “I won't get over what you did…”

“That's okay,” said Alec, nodding his head rapidly. “That's- That's perfect.”

Magnus sat up with his back straight, making Alec's hand fall off, and gave Alec a smile. Alec swallowed thickly, but before he could return it, Magnus lunged forward and wrapped his arms around Alec's neck. “I missed you so much,” whispered Magnus. Alec wrapped his arms around his waist, smiling slightly into his neck.

“I missed you too,” he whispered. They were both wrapped in each other embrace for a long time, longer than they probably ever have before, before pulling back with equally big smiles. “I'm so happy,” said Alec, looking at every inch of Magnus' face all at once.

Magnus took a deep breath, smiling, “I'm… I'll get there with you by me.”

“You would get through it without me too,” replied Alec, letting his eyes linger on Magnus' lips. There was this weird feeling inside of him that made him want to kiss him, but it also didn't. He couldn't really explain it. “You can't depend on people when they're going to break you. When they already have broken you.”

“Well,” started Magnus, sliding his hands down his arms and to his waist. “We always seem to find our way back to each other, right? Like you said on the night of our… Our now second worst argument,” Alec remembered the argument so vividly, that when Magnus had said it, or whenever somebody mentioned it, it played in the back of his mind.

It had been silly, really. They were debating about the best ice cream flavor and ended up dragging horrible topics about each other's lives that ended them both crying, and it took them nearly a whole month to makeup, and when they did, they barely left each other's side for the first week or two. “Yeah,” said Alec, “I remember,” he gave Magnus a smile.

Magnus' phone vibrated, and when he opened it up, his eyes went wide and slipped it back into his pocket before Alec could read it, “I have to go,” he said. He got up and smiled down at Alec, “See you,” he said. He began walking to the entrance, but as he made it halfway, he quickly turned around and ran back. He leaned in and kissed Alec's cheek. “Talk later,” he said before running out of the building.

Alec raised his hand to his cheek, smiling as he did so, and let his head drop onto the wall behind him, his eyes fluttering closed, and his smile rising even higher into a grin that nobody could ever put on his face.

They were okay. They were finally okay.

 **“Depression is being color blind**  
**And being constantly told how colorful the world is.”**

  
Magnus unlocked his house door with a slight smile on his face as he finally really rook in the news that he and Alec were okay. They could talk now without things being awkward. They could kiss each other again and look at each other without wanting to cry. They could be happy again. With each other. He walked into the house, and the smile quickly wiped off his face.

He saw droplets of blood on the floor, a broken glass, papers everywhere, the cabinets in the kitchen open, and everything else that was usually in place was knocked over or scattered on the floor. He dropped his things on the floor and quickly followed the blood trail, his eyes going wide as he saw it.

On the couch was a woman, just like before, with cuts and bruises all over her, some still bleeding, just like before. Her hair was a mess and Magnus could see the multiple hickies down her body, and she was completely naked. Just. Like. Before.

“Papa!” yelled Magnus, stomping up the stairs. He walked over to his closed bedroom door and opening it harshly, but saw him sleeping soundly with a woman by his side, who was shivering with wide eyes. Magnus ran over and kneeled on the floor towards her. Her eyes went even wider, “It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you,” he said.

“Help me… Please..” she whispered, body shivering twice as hard.

Magnus nodded and pulled the covers back off her, putting his hands around her waist, ignoring her flinch, and pulled her out of the bed as smoothly as he could. Unfortunately, when her upper half was off the bed, his father moved into the bed and Magnus heard his rough voice ask, “Where are you going?”

He ducked under, climbing under the bed as Magnus saw him about to get up. “Nowhere…” she whispered.

“Then why the hell are you nearly out of the bed?!” he yelled. He heard the creek, signaling he was moving around before it stopped and he heard the woman cry out. “Don't squirm or it will hurt a lot more than the first time.”

“Don't… Don't touch me,” she whispered.

“Shut the fuck up!” yelled his father, and when Magnus heard a zipper being undone, he pounced out from under the bed and rugby tackled him, hurling them both to the carpeted group with a groan, just like before. “You son of a bitch!” Magnus felt them being rolled over, him being on the bottom, and he screamed when he felt a blow to the cheek.

“Get out!” yelled Magnus. He heard the bed creak and frantic footsteps, and his stepfather pounced off Magnus. As he was about to run out of the door and follow the woman, Magnus grabbed his wrist with a crushing, painful grip and pushing him into the direction of the window, his back jabbing painfully into the windowsill. “You raped her!”

“You think I give two fucks about what I did to her?!” his father yelled, running forward and tackling Magnus in the way he had only a couple seconds, or maybe even minutes, ago. “She deserved it, just like you deserved it with Jonathan!” Magnus' eyes went wide as his hands got pinned above his head, trapping him and leaving him nearly completely defenseless.

“How do you know…?” whispered Magnus. His stepfather chuckled, leaning down as he gritted his teeth.

“Valentine called me,” he said, “But I told him I didn't care, and he didn't either,” Magnus felt his chin trembling and he gritted his teeth hard enough to draw pain, but he didn't stop. “And by this point, I don't think anybody cares about you.”

“That's not true,” whispered Magnus. “I have Alec and Isabelle, and… And Tessa.”

“You really believe that they love you?” asked his father before laughing again. It seemed genuine, and that hurt. A lot. A fucking damn lot. “Just wait a week. Nobody loves you, Magnus. I don't know how many people need to tell you this or show it to you until it sticks into your dumb fucking brain,” his stepfather let go of one of his hands and balled it into a fist, smashing it onto the side of Magnus' face.

“Ah!” he yelled out, tears falling down his face. “S... Stop.”

“Goodnight, Magnus,” he said. He didn't really know what to expect, and when he got picked up bridal style, he squeezed his eyes shut, and was right to do so, as a second later, he was thrown into the wall and fell down the stairs. He screamed out in pain slightly when his head hit something hard, and the last thing he heard before his eyes fell shut was the sound of a laugh and a door slamming.

**“There are wounds that never show on our body but are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”**

When Magnus woke up later that night, the first thought on his mind was to get upstairs and get his blade. Somehow, in a matter of not even a week, his safe spot was his blade. He always had it when he needed it, and it always helped him. It made him feel numb, and that's exactly what he needed to feel.

Nothing.

He walked up the stairs with a throbbing head and sighed in relief when he saw it sitting on the counter, unmoved from where it was the last time he had put it down - which was earlier that day. He grabbed it as he sat down on his bed and quickly put it on his skin, dragging it across.

In a way, it made him feel good. But in another, it made him feel guilty. He didn't mind feeling like that, though, as he had many other things to feel guilty about, and really, he had nothing to be worried about.

This is what he deserves. It's what he always deserved.

Maybe his mother's destiny was his, too.

 **“Sick of crying,**  
**Tired of trying,**  
**Yes, I'm smiling,**  
**But inside I'm dying.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not having a good day:(


	18. Chapter Eighteen- Anthrophobia

**Anthrophobia;** _the fear of society._

**“I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”**

Magnus doesn't really remember the last time he had been outside for more than 30 minutes for the last couple of months, now, but he wished he had. Before, when he used to take regular walks, he knew very well how his brain cleared and he could finally think straight, and for the past couple of months, that's what he's needed all along.

He took a sip of his coke after he unscrewed the lid, scraping his palm slightly, before putting it back on. He grimaced slightly as the coldness made contact with his front teeth, feeling like he just had a brain freeze. “Isn't that the kid in court?” he heard someone whisper. It was faint, far away, but he heard it.

“Yeah. I heard that he lied about the whole thing just to get attention. Sick, right?” one of the girls said. Magnus was glad that the music in his earphones was on the lowest setting so he could hear them, but in a way, he wasn't. “She we go up to him?”

Magnus heard somebody scoff, and he guessed that they probably shook their head too, “Fuck no. No offense to you guys, but I fully believe his story and that doesn't mean I would just go up to him and talk to him,” Magnus smiled slightly. “He doesn't know me, and he doesn't know you, so it's better just to not interfere with him,”

“Whatever,” someone replied. He could hear the eyeroll in that person's voice but was, honestly, glad that he at least knew the whole world was on Jonathan's side. Just thinking about him and saying his name, out loud or in his mind, made him shiver. “I'm just saying. The faggot doesn't even have a solid story.”

“How doesn't he? Have you ever heard the full story?” The voices were becoming louder and louder as each opinion was thrown across to each other. Maybe they were getting closer, or their voices were just raising as the debate got more intense.  
“You're probably just on Jonathan's side because he's, apparently, an angel child who's done nothing wrong.”

“That's because he is!” yelled the boy. Magnus risked a glance over his shoulder and saw that the two men were arguing while the girls were behind, whispering and giggling about something. “Have you ever seen the man do something wrong in his life?”

“No, I haven't, but have you seen him do a single good thing?”

“Of course I have!”

“Like what?!”

The boy didn't answer the question. Score. “Listen, all I'm saying is that the guy has been told to be an angel, and I believe he is. I've never seen him do a single bad or horrible thing in his life, and until I'm proven wrong, that's the opinion I'm going to stick with.”

“And if he isn't as innocent as he seems?” asked the other boy. “If, somehow, a recording leaked of him saying or doing something horrible. What would be your opinion then?”

“It'll change.”

“No, it really wouldn't,” Magnus took out his earphones and put them into his pocket, beginning to cross the empty streets. The men must've realized that Magnus had taken out his earphones as they no longer spoke about Magnus or the court itself. “Listen, we will talk about this later.”

Magnus changed his direction of going home and instead walked into a shop, breathing out a sigh of relief as he felt the coldness of the shop from the frozen isles. He walked further in, holding his breath as he waited for the kids that had been talking about him to walk in, but they never. They walked past the shop, all of them glancing at Magnus but not uttering a word to him. He was thankful for that.

He walked backward and jumped as he bumped into somebody. He began turning around, “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-” The words caught in his throat as the air became harder to breathe and his eyes went as wide as ever.

Sebastian, Jonathan's best friend, had a crooked smile on his face. “Magnus,” he said, taking a step forward into his personal space. Magnus took a deep breath, jaw clenched and stepped back. He really, really, wanted to punch him in the face right now, but he knew that giving somebody else pain doesn't help his own. “You look beaten.”

“Thank you for that realization. I clearly didn't see that while doing my hair this morning.”

“Tsk, tsk, Magnus,” said Sebastian. “Don't start on me because of you and Jonathan had a little issue between you. I know exactly what happened and I hope he doesn't regret what he did in the future. After all, you did want it.”

“No, I didn't-”

“Did you say no?” asked Sebastian. It had caught Magnus off guard, really. He swallowed thickly.

“No.”

“And did you tell him to stop?”

Magnus gritted his teeth, fists clenching together. “No,” He saw Sebastian smile and take a step forward.

“Exactly,” said Sebastian. “You didn't tell him to stop, and you didn't tell him no. Meaning, you wanted it. You filthy, disgusting, pathetic, slut,” Magnus looked up, anger clear in his eyes and filling the air around them more and more. “Why so mad, Maggy?”

“I told him to get off me and he didn't listen! That is a silent meaning for fucking no!” That certainly gained the attention of the people around them. “No means no and the rapist you call your best friend clearly doesn't know the meaning of that,” Sebastian nervously looked around him, and when the eyes were off, he took another step forward. If one of them leaned in only a little, they'd be kissing.

“He isn't a rapist,” he growled in a whisper. Suddenly, a hand was on Magnus' ass. “I don't usually have sex with men, but, Jonathan was right. Call me,” he said, before taking his hand away and walking out of the store.

**“WE MUST SEND A MESSAGE ACROSS THE WORLD**  
**THAT THERE IS NO DISGRACE IN BEING A SURVIVOR**  
**OF SEXUAL VIOLENCE - THE SHAME IS ON**  
**THE AGGRESSOR.”**

**\- Angelina Jolie**

  
“You told us that Jonathan did, in fact, try to rape you?” asked Raj, stepping forward with his hands behind his back. In the corner of her eye, she saw Imasu staring at the two, occasionally taking notes. Isabelle nodded. “Do you remember anything?”

“I do,” she said, nodding as well. She cast a glance over to Magnus, Alec, and Clary who were all sitting close to one another. “We were at a house party. In fact, the whole of my year was. It was the beginning of the school year, maybe 2 weeks before we actually arrived back?”

“What happened at that party? Did any signs show that Jonathan was, in fact, trying to indicate that he wanted sex with you?”

“He grabbed my ass,” said Isabelle. “I told him to get off, and he did, but that didn't stop him trying to… convince me to have sex with him. There was the point at the end where he grabbed my hand and began to lightly pull me to the stairs, but Alec, my brother, came in.”

Raj nodded, “And the bullying? Did Jonathan ever bully you or did you witness the bullying towards Magnus happen?” Isabelle nodded again, looking down at her hands. “Can you tell us some of the events he was involved in?”

“There's too many to say and describe.”

“Tell us the worst you've witnessed, then. Anything that would give us proof that Jonathan was bullying Magnus,” Raj looked extremely hopeful, and Isabelle felt it deep down in her bones too.

“Well, you know about the exposing of Magnus' past. I was in the hallways when that happened, and I even got a front row seat of the fight that happened. And I also saw Magnus get rugby tackled into our lunch table. I don't think he got a concussion from that, though.”

“Has any of this been recorded?”

“Not that I know of, no,” Raj nodded before looking at the judge, nodding, and sitting down. Immediately, Imasu stood up, quickly scanning over some notes he made, before walking towards Isabelle with his lips in a straight line and no sign of emotion on his face.

“Luke Garroway, the police officer you, Magnus, and Tessa talked to told me that when Magnus told him that you had nearly been raped by Jonathan, you were shocked and looked completely confused,” he said. Isabelle nodded, brushing a piece of her wavy black hair behind her ear. “Why were you shocked?”

“I thought that Jonathan was just being friendly, honestly,” she said, shrugging. “After I really thought about it after Magnus' discussion with the police, I realized that maybe he was trying to have sex with me.”

“Why has the idea only popped into your mind now? Why not before, when the event was currently happening?”

“I was drunk. Tipsy, or whatever,” Imasu nodded, looking down with a frown as he walked around slightly. Isabelle had the fight the urge of smiling as she knew she won that argument. _Isabelle: 1. Imasu: 0_

“The bullying,” he said loudly, making Isabelle jump in the seat and her eyes go wide before calming. “You said you saw some of the events happen in front of your own eyes. Why didn't you try and stop it, or at least help Magnus afterward?”

“Every time something happened in front of the group, Alec was the first to go over and support him before any of us could get out of our seats. Alec and the rest of us didn't interfere with the fights because we didn't want to make matters worse. We thought if one of us tries to stop it, we thought Jonathan would try twice as hard and be twice as violent to him.”

“Why did the bullying begin to happen?”

“Because Camille Belcourt spread around a rumor saying that the reason the two broke up was that Magnus cheated on her with Alec, which wasn't the case. She cheated on him, and I don't have the proof on my right now, but it's on the internet somewhere.”

“Jonathan and Camille are currently still together, correct?” Isabelle nodded. “Don't you think that maybe Jonathan wanted to get back at Magnus for cheating on his girlfriend?” Isabelle furrowed her eyebrows.

“Magnus didn't cheat-”

“How do you know?”

“He swore on his mother's life. He would never lie about something like that, either.”

“And said mother is now dead,” Isabelle's eyes went wide. “Coincidence or not?” Isabelle swallowed thickly, looking over at Magnus who sat there with tears in his eyes as he watched the scene fold out in front of his eyes.

“That.. That isn't real. The whole thing about swearing on somebody's life doesn't actually kill the person if they're lying-”

“Then why say it?”

“To prove a point!” she practically yelled, “He said it because he loves his mother unconditionally-”

“No further questions asked, your honor,” he said, moving to sit down. Isabelle's mouth was left agape and she heard a small scoff of disbelief falling from it. She stood up, pushing her chair back with her knees.

“His mother isn't dead because of him-”

“No further questions asked,” repeated Imasu, but this time, staring directly into her eyes. And Isabelle stared back into Imasu's proud ones, watching the smile on his face appear again before he turned away, back facing her eyes.

**“Sometimes the sadness is carved so deep in hidden valleys of your bones that you can't even cry and tears refuse to come because your entire being is already sobbing.”**

**\- Simon B Thomas.**

“Magnus…” whispered Isabelle as she saw him with his arms wrapped around him, walking back and forth while Alec and Clary watched him with curious yet concerned eyes. He looked up as Isabelle began to run forward. “I'm so sorry,” she said, wrapped her arms around her. She felt the flinch but decided not to question it. Not here, at least.

“It's okay,” he said, wrapping his arms around her loosely. It was like he didn't even want to touch her. Like… they were strangers. “I knew something would've come up about my mother anyways.”

“Well it shouldn't have been like that…” she said. Magnus pulled back, giving her a tight smile and nodding. She grabbed onto his shoulder, squeezing slightly, and trying to figure out what the pain was in his eyes. The fear. “I didn't know that he would bring it into the story, and I'm sorry. I'm really fucking sorry.”

He covered his hand over Isabelle's lightly, “It's fine. _I'm_ fine.”

No you're not, Isabelle wanted to say, but he had already turned around and walked out of the door. Alec jumped up, following him out of the door. Isabelle watched him go before stomping over to the seat Alec was currently sat in and put her head in her hands. An arm went across her shoulders, “Don't blame yourself, Iz, You had no way of knowing this was ever going to come up.”

“I shouldn't have said what I did, though,” she said, looking up at Clary. “How did he even know Magnus' mother was dead? Did Jonathan spread it or something?” There was silence for moments between them before Clary gasped…

“Oh my god..” she whispered, taking her hands away from Isabelle and looking ahead of her. Isabelle's eyes went wide as she looked at her in concern, straightening her back. “Oh my fucking god…” she repeated.

“What?” asked Isabelle, “What's wrong?”

Clary's head slowly turned to face hers, “I overheard Sebastian talking about this new boyfriend of his to Jonathan and how he apparently has access to everything in this entire small city, and when Jonathan asked some things that he knew, and Sebastian said Magnus' name before somebody came into the room and cut him off…”

“So?” asked Isabelle, “What has that got to do with anything?”

“Iz,” she said, “Sebastian's boyfriend is Imasu.”

**What does it mean when somebody says 'I'm Fine'?**  
**=**  
**Depression makes you feel like you can't cope with even minor stresses. Just as much as I don't want to feel this way, I don't want people around me to know about my feelings. In short, _'I'm fine'_ means _'I'm really not fine'. It means that I need someone, anyone, to help me get out of my own mind._**

One of the things - the only thing - Alec hated about Magnus was how fast he could run. Sure, Alec was always on the treadmills for school fitness, at home when he worked out there, and in gyms, but somehow, he had never been able to compare to the speed of Magnus. He was literally like Usain bolt. If Magnus ran out and you were following him, you have to be 3 or fewer seconds behind him, otherwise, he's - most likely - completely out of site.

Lucky for Alec, though, he knows the place Magnus would always run too.

Home. (for some reason.)

Magnus must've been there for more than at least 10 minutes before Alec got there because of the number of times Alec had to stop in order to catch his breath. He sighed in relief, panting heavily, as reached Magnus' door and pushed it open, not really caring about anything anymore. “This is the 2nd time in a row that this has happened!” a voice yelled. Definitely not Magnus'. “Leave me the fuck alone otherwise I will smash your fucking head against a wall!”

“You're raping innocent women, you fucking twat!” Magnus. Alec's eyes went wide as he cautiously walked up the stairs, dashing to Magnus' room in order not to be seen. “Maybe if you started being respectful and asking for consent then I wouldn't do this!”

“How would you know I didn't ask for consent you fucking faggot?!” Alec flinched.

Magnus scoffed, “Her arms are tied together and she's fucking bleeding,” He wasn't shouting anymore, but the anger in his words are very clear. “You're a monster,” he whispered, voice cracking. Alec's heart snapped at how broken he sounded like before.

“I'm no monster in this family-”

“What family?” he whispered. The silence was thick through the air before Alec had to cover his ears at the scream Magnus' father produced before Magnus' own scream of pain came. Alec held a hand over his mouth, squeezing his eyes shut as the sounds continued on before footsteps became closer and closer. Then, a loud thump and a cry of pain were in the room and the door slammed shut.

Alec was rooted to the spot as he heard Magnus' sobs develop even louder in the darkness before Alec reached out for the light and turned it on. “Mag-” His words died in his throat as he looked down at Magnus. Well, the razor in his hand, specifically. “Magnus… god no!” he ran forward, collapsing onto his knees and pulling Magnus into a bone-crushing hug.

“Alec…” whispered Magnus, “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…”

“It's not your fault,” he whispered, pulling back and wiping away one of his own tears. “It's not your fault..” He wiped away a tear from Magnus' cheek but pausing when he saw that all of his makeup was off, and all of the bruises around his face were showing, and… it was horrible.

On his nose, forehead, eye, cheekbone, jaw, eyebrow, lip, wherever you guess, there was a bruise of a cut. _How had Alec not noticed his before? How? How? HOW?! His best friend was hurting and was broken and he didn't even know._ “You're leaving,” growled Alec, standing up and grabbing one of Magnus' big bags.

Magnus sniffed, looking up at Alec in confusion, “Where? I can't go anywhere, Al. I have… I have no place on this fucking earth.”

Alec whirled around, getting back on his knees and grabbing Magnus' face gently, shoving it to face him and making their eyes make contact. “You deserve to be here, Magnus. You have always and will always be the best part of my life since the day I met you and if you ever, ever, assume you don't deserve to be here, I will go mad, do you hear me?” Magnus swallowed thickly as Alec burst into sobs again, shoulders shaking violently. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” whispered Magnus. Alec stayed sat down, staring into Magnus' vulnerable eyes, for quite some time before standing back up and continuing to pack the rest of his bag. He left the room for a couple seconds but basically came rushing in, his eyes immediately falling onto Magnus'. “Where am I going to live?” whispered Magnus.

“With me,” he replied, taking the razor away carefully from Magnus' hands and slipping it into his back pocket before stretching out his hand to Magnus. Magnus furrowed his eyebrows but reached up, grabbing his hands and letting himself be pulled up.

“With you?”

“With me,” he repeated. Magnus quickly grabbed a few things he needed - _A picture of his mother, a necklace, some rings, his other makeup stuff and makeup wipes, his mother's greatest possession, a scrapbook, and a pad._ \- before grabbing Alec's hand again. “You're coming to live in my house.”

“What about your parents?” he whispered as they went out into the hallway. Magnus heard shifting around and glasses clattering together and moved closer to Alec's side, squeezing his hand tight. “They don't like who I am.”

“They don't like who I am either,” he whispered back, kissing Magnus' cheek softly. “I would rather my parents than your stepfather, though. Wouldn't you?” Magnus nodded, swallowing thickly. “Do you want to go down there and leave out the front door?” asked Alec. “I'm sure we could jump out of your window or something.”

Magnus considered it, and nodded, pulling Alec to his stepfather's room. He pushed open the door slowly, freezing when it creaked slightly but easily slid through the gap. Alec passed the bag over to Magnus before squeezing through himself, his eyes widening when he saw the woman. Magnus rushed over to the window quickly, jumping all around the spot and clearly ignoring the squeaky parts.

When he turned back, he saw Alec staring wide-eyed at the woman and ran back over, grabbing onto Alec's hand. “I'm sorry,” he whispered. Alec moved his head to Magnus as he was snapped out of his thoughts and shook his head.

“It's not your fault, remember?” he said. “None of this is your fault,” Magnus nodded and smiled slightly, pulled Alec along the room before pointing to the window. “It's a small fit, but you can get through,” he whispered as he slid through the hole easily on his stomach. Luckily, it didn't take Alec that long to get through either, and they made their way to the ground as quick as possible.

On their way to Alec's house, so far, it had been nothing but quiet. “Did somebody try and force themselves on you again?” asked Alec in the silence.

“No,” replied Magnus. Alec's house was in sight, now.

It was a couple of moments later when Alec spoke again. “Did somebody do something that you didn't want them to do? Sexually?”

“Yeah,” he whispered.

“Who?” his question was immediate, making Magnus jump slightly. They began walking down the pathway leading up to Alec's house door.

“Sebastian,” he said as Alec opened the door. Alec nodded.

“Okay,” he said. Alec grabbed Magnus' hand as he lightly placed Magnus' bag on the floor and walked in with their hands joined together. “Iz? Jace?” yelled Alec, closing the door and taking out the key, putting it in the bowl. “Is anybody home?” he yelled again.

“Alec! You're finally-” said Maryse, before pausing in the hallway as she stared at the two. Magnus' eyes went wide and he tried to pull his hand away from Alec's, but he wouldn't budge. “What's happening here?”

“Magnus is staying with us,” he said. She opened her mouth, but Alec put a finger up to stop her. “I don't care what you think about his mom, and you better not say a rude word to him or I swear I will leave this house and never come back,” he threatened. It sounded childish, but if it honestly happened, that's what he'd do.

Maryse smiled, “I was never going to make in fun of Magnus, Alec,” she gave Magnus a smile, which he quickly returned. Too bad it was fake. “I was going to say not to get into funny business, and-” Alec blushed while Magnus chuckled lightly. The first real one in days, “- Your father is, unfortunately, not on board with the whole homosexuality thing,” she said. “So I suggest you hide Magnus in the closet for when he comes over.”

Alec smiled, nodding and gripping onto Magnus' hand tighter and pulling him closer to him. “Okay.”

“Goodnight, boys,” she said, turning around and walking back into the kitchen. When they began walking up the stairs with the bag in his hand, Magnus heard her say 'Remember, no funny business!' and chuckled lightly before going into Alec's room. He sat down on Alec's double bed, curling up on the side he always slept in when he used to sleep over.

“Your mom is really nice,” he whispered. Alec hummed before plummeting into bed, his face facing Magnus. “I like her.”

“I do, too,” he whispered. Magnus gave him a smile and yawned, closing his eyes slightly. “Do you want some of my clothes to sleep in? I forgot to bring your pajamas…”

Magnus nodded, smiling, and opened his eyes. “I'll pick them,” he said, jumping off the bed and running over to his closet, opening the door. “You don't have any color in here, Alec…” he sighed. Alec chuckled, and Magnus could hear the shrug in it.

“I wasn't aware I needed to look fabulous while sleeping, too.”

“Of course, you do,” he replied, grabbing an oversized t-shirt and throwing it onto the bed after closing the wardrobe doors. “You don't know if someone comes in and takes pictures of you at night, do you?” he asked. Alec burst into laughter, shaking his head. “Who knows, maybe it's me,” he winked and pulled his top over his head.

Alec's eyes fell on Magnus' stomach, and the smile dropped slightly, but it was still there. “Well, I know now to make myself look extra pretty while sleeping,” he replied. Magnus chuckled, shaking his head and pulling the shirt over him.

“Alexander,” he said, pulling down his tight black jeans. “You always look perfect.”

He threw his jeans to the side and jumped back onto the bed, tucking himself under the covers and looking into Alec's eyes. “You do, too,” whispered Alec, turning around and turning off his bedside table lamp. “Goodnight, Magnus,” Magnus reached out, cupping Alec's cheek and leaning in, giving it a peck.

“Goodnight, Alexander,” he whispered, turning around so his back was facing Alec. Almost immediately, he felt Alec crawling closer before wrapping his arm around his waist and throwing a leg over Magnus'. He chuckled slightly before feeling the heaviness on his eyelids.

Finally, a night where he could go to sleep with a smile.

**“You broke me, yet I still think of you**  
**As the greatest person**  
**And that's how I know that**  
**I truly do love you.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy ending for this chapter! Yaayyy!  
> I love Maryse and I couldn't make her bad lmao.  
> Opinions? 
> 
> Also, thank you so much for the comments a couple days ago! You all make me smile. I love you all. Have a great night, loves! (Apologies for not posting yesterday!!!)
> 
> -Aimee X


	19. Chapter Nineteen- Agliophobia

**Agliophobia; the fear of pain.**

**“In truth, you like the pain.**

**You like it because you**  
**Believed that you deserved it.”**

“What's your name, Sir?” asked Imasu, stepping forward towards the man in the chair, who looks very miserable, I might add. “And what exactly is your job at Pandemonium?” The man with black hair, blue eyes, and a slim figure sighed.

“My name is John Sampson and I work as the surveillance guy in Pandemonium, meaning I watch what's happening through the cameras we’ve got around the place,” he replied slowly, voice harsh and cold. It was very clear - to Alec - that the man definitely didn't want to be dragged into this mess.

Imasu nodded, “On the night of October 6th this year, you were working and checking through everything, correct?” The man nodded, “You've heard about the case we’re talking about today, haven't you?”

“I have,” the man replied with a simple nod. “Although, I don't know what the man looks like as I couldn't really see what he looked like in the footage. All I know is that his skin is dark, his nails are painted, and his name is Magnus.”

Alec felt Magnus shiver slightly beside him and grabbed his hand, squeezing it in an attempt to comfort which, he hoped, it did. Imasu walked forward, turning on a TV and it immediately brought up a picture of Magnus which had been taken at the beginning of his school year with a drink in his hand. “Do you remember seeing him that night?”

John stared at the picture, squinting his eyes and leaning forward for a second before leaning back again, nodding. “Yeah. He was by the bar for most of the night until he was gone for.. 10 to 15 minutes?”

“Did you see where Magnus Bane went?” asked Imasu, head tilted to the side while he bit his lip.

“Yeah. There is these stairs that lead up to around 10 rooms - 5 on each side - and he walked up those stairs. Now, knowing what happened and actually watching through the footage a lot of times, I realized that he was following Jonathan and the girl up the stairs,” he replied.

Imasu nodded once, “Do you know this woman?”

“Maia Roberts,” he said quickly, “She is a friend of the family and actually goes to Pandemonium more than I think I've ever seen a high schooler go,” Magnus swallowed thickly, turning his head around and looking at Maia across the room, 2 seats back from the row he was sat on. He watched intently as he saw her eyes go wide slightly, looking around with her eyes never landing on Magnus.

“So,” started Imasu, hands behind his back. “Maybe the girl - Maia - wanted it because she was drunk,” Alec's, Magnus’, and possibly Maia's eyes went wide in disbelief. “I mean, you told us she goes to the bar a lot. That's insinuating that she drinks a lot too, hm?”

John shook his head, “No. You can clearly see in the footage of the two walking up the stairs that she was trying to push off of him. To me, at least, it was clear Maia didn't want it.”

Imasu basically ignored him, switching the screen on the TV to the video of the pair walking up the stairs. In the footage, you could see Maia pushing Jonathan and mouthing the words, “Get off.” But Jonathan ignores it, a smirk on his face. When Imasu was about to stop the footage, Magnus came in the view, walking through the door with worried eyes.

He then clicked onto the other footage of outside the door. Magnus poked his head around the corner as the door slammed, and you could see him running over. Imasu paused it, “Magnus Bane followed Sebastian and Maia and was waiting outside of their door. What does that possibly give away?”

“That he wants to help her and make sure she's not getting hurt?”

“Putting yourself in a different perspective,” said Imasu. “Imagine that you aren't John Sampson and you didn't know what allegedly happened after. Like when you first saw it,” Magnus swallowed thickly, gripping onto Alec's hand tighter. “What did you think?”

“Well, at first I thought he was going to ask for a threesome. When he was pacing outside of the door, I mean,” said John, “But when you see the footage where Magnus’ hand is trapped in the door, I knew what was going on. Or had a vague idea.”

“Do many incidents happen like this in Pandemonium?”

“All the time,” The fact that he had said it like he has already spoken those words before made Alec want to throw up in his throat. “Almost every week it happens. Sometimes it even happened multiple days or one day after another.”

“And yet you don't report it?” asked Imasu, eyebrows furrowed slightly.

“We have when they first started happening, but,” John sighed, shaking his head and shrugging at the same time. “They didn't do anything or arrest the rapist. They were useless, honestly. Even me and the security people could do better than the gavers ever have.”

“And yet, you didn't do anything?” Imasu asked. Magnus and Alec both knew now that by the tone of Imasu' voice that he was going to win this. He always does. And it's Magnus' luck that he had to get the best defense lawyer there was. Only his luck. “Tell me,” started Imasu, “Why not do anything about it when even you admitted that, and I quote, 'Even me and the security crew could do better than the police'?”

John opened his mouth before snapping it shut immediately afterward and swallowing thickly, looking down. Imasu turned around, making eye contact with Magnus for just a second, before walking back over to his paper filled desk. “No more questions, your honor.”

When Magnus was about a second away to sob his heart out, Raj stood up again. “John,” he started, interrupting the Judge from slamming the hammer down onto the wood and causing Imasu' eyes to widen slightly. “You told us beforehand that you don't have the footage of the actual rape, but the before and after?”

John nodded, “Yeah. I do.”

Raj turned around, nodding towards somebody who Magnus didn't know, and the footage started playing. It showed it exactly how Magnus had told them.

He ran into the room and was there for a couple minutes - 10, at most, but with the footage being sped it, nobody could really tell.

He saw a small glimpse of Magnus and Maia walking towards the door together - hand in hand - before the only thing keeping the door from slamming shut was their joined hands. Whoever was controlling the sound cranked it up.

“Maia, sweetheart, let go of his hand. Let go of his hand, Maia.”

Magnus felt tears to his eyes and he quickly looked down at his legs, closing his eyes shut tight. “No!”

“It's okay Maia, you can call the police if you let go - Ah!”

“If you don't let go of his hand I will fuck him until he's dead! Oh, and don't call the police. Neither of you has any proof. Plus, they're brainwashed by my father, so, I couldn't really care what you do. Now let go of his hand… Unless you want to hear it, of course?”

“I'm sorry, Magnus! I'm so sorry!”

Magnus got up, dropping Alec's hand and walking out of the court, tears streaming down his cheeks. Alec stayed sat, eyes ahead of him as his own tears were rushing to his eyes at just hearing it. He could never - never - imagine anybody being put in that… that kind of torture.

Alec heard and watched as the door slammed shut, and for a couple of seconds, all Alec and the rest of the crowd could hear was silence, before a muffled, “Please, get off! Get off!” was heard. Then, the footage was turned off.

  
**“I'm exhausted from**  
**Trying to be stronger**  
**Then I feel.”**

“What the fuck?!” yelled Maia as soon as Magnus came into view, sat down. His head snapped up, eyes wide with confusion. “Why did you have to drag me into all of this, Magnus? Why?! I could've been living my life, happy, but no. You have to drag me into your mess!”

“What are you talking about?” asked Magnus, “I didn't do anything! Jonathan dragged you into this by- by attempting to rape you!” Her eyes went wide slightly. He doesn't know why.

“No, it really wasn't. It was you. Your dumbass dragged me into this!”

“How?” screamed Magnus, standing up and walking towards her. “How did I drag you into this when I saved you? I didn't even know you, and I still fucking don't, yet I helped you out of there with the price that instead of you, it was me who got raped. You don't even understand how lucky you are!”

Maia was quiet for a second, breathing heavily with fury showing heavily through her eyes. “This is just your fault, Magnus. It always has been from the beginning,” she whispered, tears beginning to make her eyes look glassy. “I heard the rumors about you even before I met you, and being a fucking dumbass, at that moment when you told me your name, I was starting to believe that they were wrong. But, now, it shows that I was the one who was wrong.”

“You weren't wrong,” he snarled, “They were wrong.”

“Yeah, okay,” she chuckled, “Like I believe that.”

“Well,” said Magnus, raising his head and tensing his jaw, “Maybe I was wrong about you, too,” Somehow, he was only a little hurt by everything. Actually, now thinking about it, it isn't a 'somehow.' He was just used to… to everything. “You seem sweet, kind, perfect even, yet you're nothing of the sort.”

“At least I don't drag people into the mess that I didn't want to be involved in.”

“Jonathan brought you into this!”

“You did!”

“What's going on here?” asked Alec, storming out of the courtroom with hard, dark eyes. Magnus turned to face him, calming his breathing slightly, but every time he looked back at Maia, the air became harder to breathe. “I could hear you two yelling from the courtroom-”

“Yeah, well, blame Magnus over there,” she spat his name like it was venom, hands clenched tightly by her sides. “He dragged me into this whole fucking mess. I hate to break it to you guys, but I don't want the news that I nearly got raped to be spread around because I'm not seeking attention like somebody.”

Alec took a step back like he was slapped, “Excuse me?” He couldn't believe his ears. This is… This whole thing is wrong. She is wrong, and she knows that… right?

“He, Isabelle, Tessa, fucking everybody who encouraged Magnus to come to the police brought me into this mess and I didn't want to be involved for fuck's sake!” she screamed. I'm in the wrong. I'm in the wrong. I'm in the wrong. Stop saying this. Please. Please stop talking.

“You're kidding me, aren't you?” asked Alec. “Magnus got raped. Have you?”

“What? That's-”

“No, you haven't,” he growled, “You don't know the pain he must feel seeing Jonathan or one of his pals walking around the halls of our school or the aisles in shops.”

“I nearly got raped-”

“Get the fuck out,” whispered Alec. Maia glared at the two of them, tears rolling silently down her face. “Get the fuck out!” he yelled. She nodded, looking down, before turning around and walking out of the door. He rushed over to Magnus, putting a hand roughly on his cheek. “Are you okay? Are you hurt? What did she do to you? Did-” He let his eyes scan around Magnus quickly, worried before they landed on his wrists and his eyes went wide. “Magnus…”

“What?” he asked, eyebrows furrowed as he looked down. “What are you- oh.”

  
Alec stared in horror at the thousands of red lines across Magnus' arms peeking out from behind his sleeve. Alec reached forward shakily, grabbing the hand and slowly peeling his cardigan back with his other, revealing even more. He let out a sob, “Magnus,” he cried, “God, no, Magnus, why...”

“Alec…”

“No, Magnus, why?” he asked again, “I thought you were getting better, I mean, that's what you told me,” Magnus isn't sure he's ever felt so guilty in his life. “Or was that a lie? Was… Have you been doing these while I'm asleep, Magnus?” Are-”

“No,” whispered Magnus, shutting Alec up. “I… I'm not getting better. I thought I was but I wasn't.”

His chin began to tremble, “Why didn't you tell me?”

“I didn't want to be a burden-”

“No, Magnus,” snapped Alec, not harshly, with chin still trembling but not as much. “You talk to me when you feel like this, okay? You will never be a burden to me. D-dealing with a problem or not I will always be here for you, understand? Always,” Magnus swallowed thickly, gripping onto Alec's hands like a lifeline. “You'll talk to me right?”

“I will,” Magnus whispered back.

“And you're okay? She didn't physically hurt you, did she?” Magnus shook his head. “Okay. That's… That's good.”

Alec gave Magnus a small smile and began walking towards the door alongside Magnus, hands dangling in between them. He pushed open the glass door, sighing in relief as the cold air washed over his body. It all felt too hot in there. In court and with Maia. The pair walked hand in hand together towards the car, and that was really the only time they had let go of each other's hands because when the car was in engine, their hands somehow found its way back to each other.

“What happened?” asked Alec. “Not…” he shook his head slightly, “Not with Maia but with everything else.”

“What do you mean?” asked Magnus after some time later in the silence. “Nothing has happened.”

“I know you're lying, Magnus,” softly replied Magnus. “You can talk to me about anything, remember? I'm not… I'm not a big bad wolf who will go around telling everybody everything you tell me.”

Magnus sighed, fiddling with his rings on his skinny fingers. “Can you promise me you won't get mad?”

Alec sighed, “You know I can't promise that, Magnus. He or she hurt you. I won't be able to let that slip easily,” Like I'm not letting myself slip easily, too. I hurt him. Probably more than anybody else has. And that's something I need to fix.

“Then, can you promise you won't hurt them or anything?” he asked, “I'm not saying that in a way that I don't want him to be hurt but… I don't want you getting hurt.”

He smiled slightly, turning a corner slowly, “I'll try. I promise.”

Magnus took a deep breath before letting it go, “The other day I was in the store after hearing some arguments flaring up behind me because of my whole court situation and… Sebastian was there,” he didn't even need to look or feel Alec to know he tensed up. It just wafted into the air. “He grabbed my ass and told me to call him and.. And then he left.”

Alec's hand tightened on the steering wheel, and for the entire ride back to Alec's place, nobody spoke. Even when they got inside and went into Alec's room - changing into Pajamas and brushing their teeth. But, when they were in bed, their fingers playing with one another's, the tension in the room felt different.

Good or bad - he couldn't tell.

“I love you,” whispered Alec. Magnus looked up, hoping he would catch Alec's eyes, but they were already on his, scanning his face. “I know I've told you before but I really really do. You make me so happy. I can't- I can't express in words how much you honestly make me feel. You're… You're like a drug. I can't live without you.”

“I can't live without you either, cintaku. You mean the world and more.”

Alec let a soft smile break out onto his face and he leaned forward, kissing softly beside Magnus' lips. He let his eyes flutter shut, his own smile rising on his lips. “I really want to kiss you right now,” whispered Alec, running his long archer fingers through his hair. Magnus' heart fluttered.

“Then do it,” he replied, opening his eyes just in time to see Alec shake his head. “Why not?”

“I still have to regain your trust,” he whispered back. Magnus furrowed his eyebrows, shuffling closer slightly. “After what I did to you I... I can't live with myself if we move on without me knowing I haven't regained your trust.”

“You have,” replied Magnus, “You have regained it, Alec. You did a long time ago.”

“That's the problem, Mags,” whispered Alec, gripping onto Magnus' hand and interlocking their fingers. “You forgive too easily. You shouldn't forgive me for what I did. I don't think you should ever forgive me, honestly.”

“I will.”

“I know you will,” replied Alec, “And I'm glad you will, but I'm also not.”

Magnus nodded his head slightly before rolling himself over, pressing his back against Alec's chest and throwing their interlocked hands over onto the sheets. “I love you, Alexander.”

“I love you too,” said Alec, reaching over and turning off the lamp on his bedside table. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Alec.”

**“Pain changed people.**  
**It makes them trust less, overthinks more, and shut people out.”**

_“Mother, Father,” said Magnus, walking down the stairs and entering the kitchen, seeing them sat opposite each other on the dinner table. His father was looking_ _his old grumpy self, whereas his mother looked alive and happy, even though everybody in the house knew she was tired. Very tired, that is. “I have something I need to tell you.”_

_“What is it, Son?” asked his father. “I have somewhere I need to be,” he said, standing up and walking over to his shoes, slipping his shoes on._

_“I'm bisexual,” he announced, and the room went completely silent. He swallowed thickly, his eyes glancing between his mother and his father, but they both said nothing. “I like woman and I- I like men. Romantically, and-” He didn't get to finish his sentence as the door slammed shut and his father was gone._

_Magnus stared at it, wide eyes filled with_ fear, _before he turned to his mother, who looked equally as shocked. But not at the door. “You hate me, don't you?” he whispered._

_“No! Oh gosh, Magnus, no,” she chuckled, reaching up and taking Magnus' hand. “I don't hate you honey, of course, I don't.”_

_“But… But it's wrong,” he whispered. His mother shook his head, smiling slightly._

_“It doesn't really matter, does it?” Magnus furrowed his eyebrows as his mother stood up, pulling him into a hug. He immediately wrapped his arms around her, “You're still my Magnus.”_

And Magnus knew that was, possibly, the best thing he could've ever dreamed of.

**“A broken body is the worst.**  
**It's like having broken ribs. Nobody can see it,**  
**But the pain is unbearable everytime you breathe.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, loves! 
> 
> I am so so so sorry for not posting for a week or two. I haven't been having the best couple of weeks, honestly, but I hope this chapters and the many more to come will make up for that? 
> 
> I was wondering if I should actually put Raphael into this plot? At first, when I was writing this today, I was thinking of making Raphael a counselor that Magnus may or may not get or should I just slip him in like I originally planned (Surprising Magnus when court ends)
> 
> ALSO, would you guys like it if I made this fanfiction end at 26 chapters and then maybe do like a 5 years later thing on a different fanfiction and make it a series or keep it on here? I don't know, whatever you guys want!
> 
> I will try and start writing the beginning of the next chapter today (which I highly doubt I will do since I am incredibly tired. It's 11:50 pm rn I literally wanna die. My eyelids are so heavy lmao) But I will try my hardest to try and upload something tomorrow or in the next couple of days - not two weeks. Again, really sorry about that! I will really try and upload something tomorrow but if I'm having a bad day I most likely won't :(
> 
> ♡ Aimee


	20. Chapter Twenty- Hematophobia

**Hematophobia;** _the fear of blood._

**“I wish I could hurt you in the way you hurt me but I know if I had the chance,**  
**I wouldn't do it.”**

**< >*<>*<>**

_**November 3rd, 2018. 8:39am.** _

The light peeking out from behind the slight agar window blinded Magnus as his eyes creaked open slightly, enough for the light to immediately pour in and sting his eyes. He squeezed them shut with a grimace on his face and let himself fall completely limp in Alec's bed, not really caring about the time of day and when court stops, and definitely not caring when a smile crept up on his face.

He rolled over, eyes still closed, and reached his hand over, hoping it to land on Alec's soft stomach, but instead dropping onto slightly warm sheets. Magnus' eyes cracked open all the way as he pushed his body upright, eyes frantically searching around the room desperately, his body relaxed when he saw Alec fixing his hair in the mirror. “Morning…”

Alec jumped slightly at the voice but recovered quickly, smiling at Magnus through the mirror. “Morning,” Alec replied. “How was your sleep?”

“It was nice,” Magnus whispered, “Thank you,” Alec nodded again with a slight smile, and the room fell into a comforting silence again. Magnus threw his legs off the bed and stood up on them weakly, holding onto the bedside table for a couple seconds to make sure he had balance, before stalking off into the bathroom.

The steam from the shower Alec had taken before he woke up was still covered the mirror, but even then, Magnus could still see how wrecked he looked. He gasped slightly, which was muffled by his hand, and quickly used the other one to wipe the gas away so he could see how truly bad it was.

And he finally understood the shock on Maryse's face when he walked through the door.

His entire face was practically covered in cuts and bruises. Everywhere you looked, something was covering his brown skin. Red, purple, blue, and yellow was seen everywhere on him. It was disgusting to look at. How Alec managed to look at him and not vomit is something Magnus would call skill.

Magnus walked fast out of the bathroom, searching through his bag of things frantically, pulling out his makeup bag and sprinting to the bathroom, locking the door closed behind him. Not even a minute later, a knock came through. “Magnus? Is everything alright?”

“Yeah,” Magnus said. “I- Shit- I'm okay.”

“Are you sure?” Alec bit his lip, putting his hand on the knob to open the door to find it was locked. “Can you let me in, please? What are you doing in there?”

“I'm doing my makeup,” Magnus replied back, pulling out his foundation and a wrecked beauty blender. “I won't take long. Probably 20 minutes max.”

“Magnus, unlock the door,” he said. There wasn't any heat in it. Just desperation. “Please,” he added. He heard nothing on the other side of the door when he pressed his ear against it, and the fear spiked through him, but when the sound of something unlocking echoed slightly, he sighed in relief and opened the door as quick as he could.

“I'll be quick,” muttered Magnus, and when Alec's dazed eyes fell onto his face, he was shocked over how fast he had gotten his foundation done. “You can grab your- ouch- your things. Just ask me to move or-”

“No, it's okay,” Alec replied. “Just… Why are you wearing makeup? You don't need it.”

Magnus paused, his hand freezing halfway to his face as his eyes shifted from the mirror to him. “Alec, have you seen the state of me? You can't see one part of my skin color on my face,” Alec shrugged, shifting uncomfortably in his suit and leaned against the doorframe, “I understand now why your mother- Wait, why are you in a suit?”

“I have court today,” he said. Magnus stopped what he was doing, looking over at Alec with his eyes confused. “You, Izzy, or Tessa must've have mentioned me to Luke. If not, I don't know how he knew that I know something or have seen something.”

“Alec,” Magnus started, “You know you don't have to do this for me, right?” Alec pulled a face of confusion, eyes with a tint of worry in them. He sighed, putting down his makeup brush, “I can't help but feel… that you're feeling almost obligated to speak in court. You don't have to. It will make matters worse, possibly, but Imasu… he can get under your skin. You've heard what he's said to others.”

“I don't feel obligated to do anything, Magnus,” Alec said, taking a step forward and grabbing his hands. “I'm doing this because I hate - hate - Jonathan for what he did to you. I will probably never experience the pain that you felt but seeing his face around the halls after hearing and… and seeing things I've never wanted to see… It's horrible. He's horrible.”

He smiled at the words, “I love you, Alec,” Magnus snuggled in closer when he felt Alec wrap his own arms around Magnus' waist.

“I love you too,”At that moment, his arms squeezed a fraction tighter and Magnus breathed more slowly, his body melting into Alec's as every muscle lost its tension to the air. Despite the heavy feeling in his stomach, it fluttered at the feeling of his stomach pressed against Alec's. He sunk into the warmth of him, appreciative of the simple gesture. Alec's touch made the room warmer somehow, his future within the walls seem a little less bleak. “Everything is going to work out in the end. Don't worry.”

_But was it? Everything seemed so simple from the sidelines, but if you search deeper into the story, not even looking into the facts and evidence you know Jonathan will win. Jonathan is a white, rich man. A popular, loved, rich man. Hope wasn't even near the lines of winning for Magnus. For Maia. For every other victim out there. They weren't going to win. Magnus wasn't going to win._

“Alec! Come down for breakfast!” Maryse yelled from down the stairs. Alec pulled back with a sheepish smile, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. Magnus stepped back slightly, grabbing his makeup brush again.

“Would you like come downstairs for breakfast or would you like me to bring something up? Cereal? Toast? A cereal bar?” Alec asked, walking backward. Magnus shook his head, waving his hand in the air.

“No, thank you,” _I don't eat anything,_ Magnus wanted to say, but he didn't want to put more on Alec. He didn't want to become more of a burden than he already was. -Sleeping in his house, pulling him into his mess, making him bring things up for him. It was all too much. Not for Magnus to handle, but for Alec. Even if he didn't want to admit it, Magnus could see in his eyes that everything was tiring him. Magnus was tiring him. “I don't eat breakfast.”

Alec's eyes ran down his body quickly and Magnus saw a spark of something there - like he achieved something or found something out just by using his knowledge - but nodded, his usual look coming back, turning away and walking out of the door.

Once Magnus heard the footsteps rush down the stairs quickly, he closed the bathroom door and grabbed onto the sink, dropping anything he had in his hand and lowering his head. His eyes drip with tears. His walls, the walls that hold him up, make him strong just collapse. Salty drops fall from his chin, drenching his shirt. He presses his head against the mirror, trembling. The worst of this all is that he has no reason for why he's crying, and he feels like that's worse than even having a reason.

Really, nowadays, he doesn't really need a reason to cry. Just being him is enough.

**“Oh, I don't know. I guess I think about killing myself pretty frequently.**  
**But why not?**  
**What's so great about living?**  
**You know when I'm happy?**  
**For about 5 seconds in the morning when I first wake up before I remember who I am and what my life's all about.”**

Alec walked down the stairs, running a hand through his hair and sighing. “You okay, big brother?” Isabelle asked when he walked into the kitchen. He shrugged as he sat down on the chair next to her. “Look, I know speaking about what you've heard or seen can be difficult and scary when you think about it, but once you're up there, that's all washed away when you just look at Magnus and realize how much you want to help him.”

“I know, Iz,” he said, “It's just- What if I say something wrong and mess up the trial completely? If I say one wrong thing or say something that could be taken out of context or be misunderstood, I could ruin his chance. I don't want to do that to him,” Isabelle shook her head, moving one foot underneath her body and sitting on it, putting a hand onto his shoulder.

“Don't think about that,” she said. “Just think about Magnus and how much you want to protect him and how much you love him,” The glint of understanding was in her eyes, and he remembered the convocation he had about Magnus - about loving him. “That's the strongest emotion that you have, and I promise you, your worries will wash away when you're up there.”

He sighed again, nodding. “Okay,” he whispered. He grabbed his spoon off the table when Maryse brought over a bowl of cereal for him. The tension and worry in his stomach were so intense that he wasn't hungry at all. “What if I do mess this up, though? Magnus would be so disappointed with me.”

“Alec,” Isabelle started, “Magnus knows your worrying. Anybody who sees you will know you're worrying. It's okay if you mess up. Magnus will understand. He's a forgiving person.” _But that's what's wrong. He shouldn't forgive me. He never should._

Before Alec could speak, Magnus walked down the stairs with a smile and a full face of makeup. Alec stood up, smiling at him with furrowed eyebrows and his head tilted slightly to the left, “I thought you weren't hungry?” Magnus shrugged, walking forward, and as he got closer, Alec could see the rim of his eyes were slightly red and puffy and light tear tracks were down his face.

“I was hoping I could grab a drink if that's okay?” Magnus looked over to Maryse who was already pulling out the orange juice and a cup with a smile. “Thank you, Mrs. Lightwood.”

“Please, call me Maryse,” she asked, turning around and handing over the cup. “So, I hope you don't mind me asking, but, what's this court thing about?” Alec stiffened as he saw Magnus freeze ahead of him. “I haven't really gotten a letter informing me or anything, and Lyke hasn't said anything to me.”

Alec looked over to Magnus whose eyes were locked on Alec's now, mouth slightly open. Alec raised his eyebrows, a silent question of, “ _Do you want me to tell her_?” which he nodded to. “Mom, you know Jonathan Morgenstern, right?” She nodded, “He… He raped Magnus.”

Maryse's eyes went wide, “Raped?” she asked, her eyes falling on Magnus, whose gaze was trained on the ground with his cup idle against his lips. She walked towards Magnus, a hand over her mouth, and pulling him into a one-handed hug. Alec watched over Maryse's as Magnus leaned forward, putting his head on her shoulder and closing his eyes to stop the tears. “I'm so sorry.”

“It's okay,” Magnus whispered back, opening his eyes but avoiding any gaze that landed on him. Maryse pulled back, wiping away her tears with a little chuckle.

“I'm sorry, I shouldn't be the one crying,” she said, a forced chuckle coming out of her throat. “That scumbag…” She muttered, taking a deep breath, closing her eyes, before reopening them and giving Magnus a smile. “I'm so sorry. After that happening to your mother and now having to deal with it yourself… My gosh. I am so sorry.”

When Alec looked at Magnus, his eyes were wide and he put a hand over his mouth. He put the orange juice down on the table before running off, opening the front door and leaving. Alec ran after him, completely confused before he realized; Magnus didn't know his mother was raped. Magnus didn't know he was a product of rape.

“Magnus…” he whispered as he caught up with him. Magnus didn't move. He stared at the road in front of him, holding his chest as he sobbed. Alec walked forward, catching his elbow and turning him around, crashing into him as he pulled him into a hug. “I'm so sorry…”

He sobbed into Alec's chest unceasingly, hands clutching at his blazer. Alec held him in silence, rocking him slowly as his tears soaked his chest. A tiny lapse lets him pull away, blinking lashes heavy with tears, before he collapsed again, his howls of misery worsening. The pain must have come in waves, minutes of sobbing broken apart by short pauses for recovering breaths, before hurling him back into the outstretched arms of his grief.

He didn't care who saw him. He just broke down. The sobs punched through, ripping through his muscles, bones, and guts. He pressed her forehead against Alec's shoulder and began to let his heart yank in and out of her chest. It pulled back in like a yo-yo. Over and over. In and out. He was hollow. His life crumbled in his fingertips. Then, suddenly, Isabelle and Maryse were there, patting and rubbing him. They reached into his hollowness and realized just how broken he really was.

**“Nothing makes me happier,**

**And nothing makes me sadder,**

**Than you.”**

“Alexander Lightwood,” Imasu started with a smile as he got out of his chair and walked forward. “You're the older brother of Isabelle Lightwood, correct?” Alec nodded, his hands fiddling on his lap. “Luke told me that he is unsure of your relationship with Magnus, so, who is Magnus to you?”

“Magnus is my best friend,” he said, looking over at him quickly. After finding out about his mother, he had been broken, shattered, but he wanted to be there for Alec. Imasu looked at Magnus too, smiling, and Alec saw the monitor change to a picture of Magnus and Alec that they had taken one day.

Magnus was glancing at Alec's hair with a grimace whereas Alec was pulling a random face, looking at the camera.

“Your best friend…” he repeated, “How did you find out that Magnus was allegedly raped by Jonathan?”

“Well, I and Magnus were in an argument and I wanted to apologize to him. I went to his door, asked his father where he was and all that. His father told me that Magnus said he was going to save somebody, and so I went to the club after calling Izzy. When I got there, I asked Maia, who I didn't know at the time, where Magnus was and pulled out a picture of him and everything. She told me she saw him in but hasn't come out. We probably searched the entire place before Maia came up to me and told me she needed to show me something. She pulled me up to the room that Magnus was in and I saw… blood and semen on the sheets.”

Imasu nodded, biting his lips. “But did Magnus directly tell you afterward that he was raped?”

Alec shook his head, a frown on his face. “Not that I remember, no,” Imasu nodded again, hands behind his back as he stood in a stance which Alec found almost threatening - daring. He saw Maryse and Isabelle exchange words silently in the corner of his eye as the pair glared at each other.

“But you didn't actually see the rape, so how could you know that was Magnus' and Jonathans? Or the fact that Jonathan might've gone, as people say, a 'little too rough'?” Alec saw the hint of a smirk and desperately wanted to get up off the stand and slap it off him.

“I may not have seen that happen, but Maia was there. You had the footage right in front of your eyes,” he said, “And, I didn't see the rape, but I saw an attempt in school. If you want, you can bring the headmaster of our school in and show us the footage, because it's there,” Alec gritted his teeth, watching intently as his smirk started to fade, “If Jonathan didn't rape Magnus, he sure tried.”

“And do you have proof of this other than yourself?” asked Imasu, “Was anybody there with you to hear or see this?”

“I told you, the school cameras are my proof,” he snapped, but before he continued, he took a deep breath to calm himself. “No, nobody was with me.”

“How do we know that you aren't lying? That you aren't making this up to back up your friend?”

“Cameras.”

“What if it isn't there?”

“It is.”

Imasu gave up, nearly rolling his eyes but fighting against it, before starting to pace around again. “Magnus Bane attempted to kill himself after, I'm guessing, the alleged attempt to rape Magnus again, correct?” Alec nodded, “And you were the one who found him?” Alec winced, nodding again. “When Magnus woke up, did he tell you anything?”

“No, he didn't,” he said.

“Then what did you do in there?” he asked, “If not talking, what else could you possibly do?”

“We kissed,” he said through gritted teeth. Imasu furrowed his eyebrows, leaning forward and making his ear point Alec. “I said, we kissed,” Imasu pulled back, looking at Alec with a smile.

Imasu turned to the judges, “If you were a rape victim, would you go and kiss somebody else the second you're awake?” he asked, “If it truly happened to you, wouldn't you be scared?”

“Magnus knew he could trust me!” Alec yelled. Imasu opened his mouth, but Alec beat him too it, the words spilling out of his mouth almost unconsciously. “I'm not a rapist and he knows it. He can trust that I won't hurt him physically because I'm not as sick as the rapist you're trying to defend.”

Imasu watched Alec explode with a calm face and walked forward, “And how are you so sure that Jonathan really did rape, Magnus? Were you there?”

“What? No, of course, I wasn't-”

“No further questions asked your honor,” Imasu said, walking back towards his desk, as the hammer slammed down on the wood and the crowds of people began walking out.

 **“Sometimes, I push you** _away_  
**Because I need you to** _pull me closer._ **”**

Magnus pulled out his phone, scrolling through his contacts quickly before pressing on the name he needed to call desperately. He paced, biting his nail as he looked over the hall, seeing Alec talking to Maryse and Isabelle, but let his eyes skim past them. He almost didn't hear the girl on the other side answer, “What do you want?” she asked.

“Maia!” he said, breathing a sigh of relief that she didn't ignore him. “You're going to court, right? You know, talking about what happened?” Maia sighed on the other side of the phone.

“I don't know, Magnus,” she said back, “What if I don't want him to get put in jail? Why can't we just leave it as it is?”

Magnus' furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, “Leave it as it is? Are you serious?” he asked, “Maia, as much as I like you're trying to start your life fresh, I don't want to see his face every day when I'm walking down the halls or when I'm sitting behind him in chemistry.”

She sighed, and Magnus basically heard the nod, “I guess you're right,” she muttered, “I just don't want to get shamed for this. For… You know, not being strong enough to get him off me and having to be drunk.”

“You know this wasn't your fault, right?” he said, looking over at Alec again, “I don't know if you were drunk or not, but, your drink could've been drugged by him, or-or by, I don't know, somebody else. None of this happened because of you,” he said.

“I basically made you get raped, Magnus,” she whispered, “I done that to you.”

“You didn't,” he replied, “That was my choice to run in there and help you. It was my choice that you let go of my hand. It was me. Yes, I didn't want to get raped, but at least I saved you from him...” He looked away from Alec, walking over to the door and opening it, sighing when the cold breeze washes over him.

“I'll think about it,” she said. Magnus smiled, chin trembling slightly. “I can't guarantee it's a yes, but after everything, you put yourself through to save me… I can't thank you enough, Magnus,” She sniffed, “You truly are the best.”

“Thank you so much, Maia,” he whispered. “See you soon,” he said, taking the phone away and hanging up, letting the breeze blow past him. He walked out of the door and walked over to the wall, leaning against it and tipping head back.

After a long, long time, things could be getting better.

Finally.

 **“She's hurt mentally, physically, and emotionally,**  
**But** everyday **, she walks with a smile,**  
**'Cause that's just who she is:**  
**The girl who never stopped smiling.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg. guys. I POSTED!!!!! :):) if it wasn't for all your sweet comments, i wouldn't have been able to actually write this!! thank you so much!! i love you all omg i can't even tell you how long i've been waiting to write this and to publish something and i really really hope this was up to your standards :)))))))))))))
> 
> i have a plan for the next couple chapters and i cant wait for chapter 27 cus thats when therapppyyy talkkkkkk and AHHHH ive already written some parts because i couldnt help myself!!! (btw im sorry if when it comes to it and it isnt there lol i tend to change my mind a lot when writing :(( )
> 
> i love u all so much like OMG i love u.  
> have a great day girlliieesss and boyyyzyz u all deserve it u special people :) <3 <3 xoxox


	21. AUTHORS NOTE

Hey loves.

It's 1:20 am right now in the UK and my mind is running with thousands and thousands of thoughts about this fanfiction and where I want it to go and the progress that I've made with it up until this very point. 

I began reading through it from the very beginning and I realized just how fucking shitty it is. 

My writing, my memory with things. I feel like I'm rushing into things and making time fly past too fast. 

Like, I didn't even know I was doing that because I was so tired once I finished writing them after spending the whole day on them that I just expected it to be good and didn't read through it when I should have. I literally fucking should have spent around 5 to 10 minutes just to read it through, make sure I haven't made any grammar mistakes that Grammarly decides to miss out, make sure that I haven't repeated something, and then the story wouldn't have been a disappointment to you guys, and now to me too.

And, I feel like I'm not really giving you guys what you want in this story. I ask you guys questions like I did in my last authors note but I don't ask you for questions as to what you guys want. And if you want a certain fear, I always make the situation (in the story of the fear.) bad and upsetting and I just. Ugh. I fucking hate this. I hate upsetting you guys because I haven't done something that you w

I read your comments after too, and I know I don't reply to them but I do read them all and take what you say into consideration. Fucking hell, some of you have even made me cry by how sweet you are and by the fact that you've been here from the beginning. You guys tell me your opinions (I especially love the really long ones) and you tell me the chapters are amazing and you like the plot but now, reading through them, I just find them bad and too rushed and everything I mentioned before. 

I love this story, I do, and I want to continue it with all my heart and I want this writer's block to go away, but I don't know. The writing especially seems bad to me. 

Not only that, but I keep questioning if you guys actually want me to continue this based on the comments I get. I used to get a lot and now I can barely even get two and I'm assuming it is because of my crappy writing and bad plot. (I don't want you guys to feel obligated to comment after reading this tho. I just want to get my thoughts out.)

Like I said, I love this story, but I don't know if you guys want me to actually finish this. I mean, is it worth it? My schedule for posting was every day but now I can barely write a paragraph without deleting it straight away because I think its terrible.

So, if you guys have anything you want to see, please tell me and I will try my best to move it into my story somehow. (I have the chapters planned) I will most likely respond to them all in another author note or anything. I don't mind. 

I was gonna add more but I'm afraid I will unconsciously slip into sleep and wake up the next morning to find my parents looking through my laptop. 

I love you all. Please give honest opinions on the story so far? I don't know. You don't have too. 

I love you

UPDATE i just remembered to ask you; do you guys want me to delete this story BUT rewrite it better? idk?  
k im gonna go before i acc die  
I LOVE U


	22. Chapter Twenty-One- Phonophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger Warning*  
> = Suicidal Thoughts (& Eating Disorder descriptions? Kind of?)

**Phonophobia;** _the fear of hearing one's voice._

**“There are** **just some things that I don't want to remember anymore,**  
**And hearing your voice,**  
**Or seeing your face,**  
**Brings all the memories back.”**

**< >*<>*<>**

**November 4th, 2018.**

Time was going slower and slower and slower by the second. The things he did took less time than they usually would in every activity he would do. Maybe it was because he was scared, but maybe it was something more than that. Maybe God was taunting him and waiting for him to break which he tried _so_ hard not to do. Because breaking was his worst enemy. It was one that took a toll on his entire body and he was, therefore, powerless. _Even though he was already at the beginning._

He was sat on Alec's bed and staring at the blank wall, thinking about how his life will come tumbling down again in a couple of days or hours, or even worse, minutes.

But, instead of looking into nothing, he was practically looking at the timeline of Alec's life with his eyes scanning over every picture, every award, every piece of paper on his desk which shows his intelligence and his future. It was scary knowing that if he had taken a couple papers from that desk, or Maryse, or Max, then it could ruin his whole upcoming life.

His future in which Magnus knew he wasn't going to be a part of. And that, just knowing that, scares him too. That one day, Alec will get bored of him being such a burden and ruining his reputation and his life that he gets rid of him without hesitation. That one day, Alec will find another best friend, perhaps he will even go back to Jace, and will forget everything about Magnus and their past. That one day, Magnus will be in his grave with nobody to show up and place flowers.

The sad part if it all is that it isn't an “if.” It's a “when.”

 _When_ Alec leaves Magnus. _When_ Magnus becomes a burden. _When_ Magnus will die alone and have nobody there for him. _When_ Alec will find somebody else. _When_ Alec will finally be happy with his family, his husband, and his new best friend.

Magnus' eyes danced across the first picture − the second biggest one − being of him, Isabelle, and Jace, all younger with smiles on their faces as their arms were wrapped around each other and the sun was setting behind them. It was a beautiful picture of beautiful people.

The next was one of his whole family. Alec, Isabelle, Maryse, Robert, their Grandmother and Grandfather, and Jace. It was the normal family photo you'd take, but everybody was, as usual, still beautiful in it. Minus Robert.

And the rest were all the same. Pictures of Alec and his old friends, family, and just random pictures of sunsets and animals, before Magnus' eyes, stopped on the biggest one. One of Magnus and Alec, smiling at each other, wrapped in a hug. If any stranger had walked in, they would've immediately guessed that they were a couple. And that was funny, because in that picture, that exact moment, Magnus knew he had fallen in love with Alec.

He pushed himself off the bed and walked over to it, smiling a little and letting his eyes cross all the mini pictures beside it. In every one, they were happy and had a smile on their faces. They were always standing next to each other too, no matter how crowded the room was. Except for one, which doesn't really count as only one person was standing in between them and they were looking at each other with a smile on their faces, anyway.

How did things get so wrong so fast?

First, the bullying. Then Jace replacing him, his mother dying, his father coming back, the abuse, Camille and Jonathan getting together, losing Catarina and Ragnor, losing Alec, Jonathan exposing his past to the whole school, the bullying at school intensifying, finding out about rape, getting raped, and every little thing that followed afterwards. And it all happened in the time space of 3 to 4 months.

And the worst part of it all was the fact that he had no control over any of it. There was practically no way of stopping it from happening. He was doomed from the very beginning and he never even saw the crash of the roller coaster coming.

Magnus turned around, walking over to the bathroom and closing the door shut, locking it. He knows that locking it would make Alec concern a bit, but he didn't want to be interrupted. Didn't want to be seen, even though Alec has seen him like this already.

He walked over to the mirror and posited himself so that his side was facing the mirror and pulled his oversized jumper up, showing off his skinny _but not skinny enough_ stomach. He knew that if Alec or Isabelle or Maryse or anybody at all saw his stomach, they would think it was disgusting. They would've thought how revolting it is for his ribs stuck out immensely. They probably would've gagged just looking at him. But Magnus thought it was good.

Not only would starving himself an advantage for him with losing all this weight, but it also had an advantage for other people. Because now, being skinny, although some people probably found it horrible, they would look at him and think “ _Wow. He looks perfect.”_ Even when he was starving himself and even sometimes binging to get this good looking.

Magnus lifted his jumper off, gently folding it and putting it on the closed toilet seat before standing with his body face on with the mirror. He eyed his collarbones, his ribs, his hips, anything that he could see. Then, he grabbed a stool and put it on the ground before standing on it, looking at his thighs in his black skinny jeans as he stood in a pencil position.

A small grimace rose on his face as he stared long enough, before prying his eyes away and closing them shut tight, letting his head fall back. In ways, when he only looked for a couple seconds, he looked good. He did. But when he stared long enough, he just saw ugly written all over him. The number on the scales, which he hasn't seen, makes him look ugly. Not the look of him. Right?

He opened his eyes again and was about to go back into the room after putting on his jumper and putting the stool away but froze, staring up above him. More specifically, at the noose above him, ending at where his neck was.

Magnus swallowed thickly, staring at it with wide eyes, but he wasn't scared. In fact, he felt... relaxed.

Staring at something which could take away all his pain made him happy. Although he knew it was a lot of pain, suffocating him and making it feel like veins were popping out of his head, he knew with his heart that it would make him have a new beginning. A better, happier life where he can smile, laugh with his mother, talk with his father, spill tea with his best friends, and just be a happier person.

And here?

In this god awful place?

He never could.

He never will.

He never can.

Although Magnus knows things were completely out of his control, he also knows he could've fixed things - himself - to make at least something have a better ending.

When he felt tears stinging his eyes, he blinked rapidly, and when they opened again, the noose was gone. He looked around him, even getting off the stool and looking under it, but it wasn't anywhere. It was just his imagination making him see one of the things he wanted most.

He heard a soft knock on the door and jumped, eyes going wide. “Magnus? You in there?” Alec. Magnus scrambled around, knocking over the stool and himself on the way and hearing the door beginning to bang. “Magnus! Oh my god, what's wrong? Open the- fuck. Open the door! Please!”

“I'm okay! I'm okay!” he yelled, but the banging didn't stop. He quickly scrambled up, grabbing his jumper, but when he began to pull it over his head, the door smashed open and Alec was staring at him wide-eyed - staring at his bare, skinny stomach _wide-eyed._

“M-Magnus…” Alec whispered, grip tightening on the knob slightly before averting his eyes to Magnus'. “I'll… Were you about to have a shower? What did you trip over?” Magnus quickly shook his head, pulling his jumper on and clearing his throat, pointing to the stool. “Oh… Right.”

The silence took over them before Magnus looked down at his watch, sighing shakily. Time went by quick. “Court is in- in 30 minutes. We should get going if we want to be there on time,” he forced out a chuckle but let it die on his tongue quickly, not really having enough energy in him to keep it going. Alec nodded, staring at Magnus a minute longer before turning away.

Magnus watched him go, his fingernails clawing into his palms before letting them go, slamming his palm into his forehead, wincing out in pain when he pushed on his bruise. He did it a couple more times, only to feel the pain he deserved, before walking out of the door too and down the hallway.

He distantly heard chattering and peeked his head to the kitchen, seeing Alec and his mother talking quietly, but turned his head to the door when he heard a knock. He walked closer to it, unlocking the door and opening it with a small welcoming smile which quickly fell as he saw who it was.

Robert Lightwood.

His eyes went wide in the same moment Roberts did, and his hand fell from the knob. “Mags? Who is- Oh.”

“What does this boy thing he's doing in my house?” Robert spat, pushing Magnus out of the way as he stepped in, looking at Maryse walk out of the kitchen quickly. Robert looked over his shoulder with a grimace, eyes going up and down his body. “Especially looking like that?”

“Dad!” Isabelle yelled from a top of the stairs. “Don't talk to Magnus like that!”

“I can do whatever I want, Isabella,” Robert said, “You cannot tell me what I can and cannot do,” He turned back to Magnus, “You're leaving now, aren't you? I don't want you near my son for a second longer, spreading your… disease to him even more than you already have.”

“I…” he whispered, “I- Yes. I'm- I'm leaving now.”

“Yeah, he's leaving with me,” Alec said, walking over and grabbing Magnus' hand, all the while not breaking eye contact with Robert. “And don't talk to him like that. It's not a disease. It's normal,” he turned to Magnus, kissing his forehead, before pulling his hand out of the door and slamming it shut behind him.

“Alec..,” Magnus said, “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause an argument between you and your parents.”

“You didn't start it, Magnus,” Alec said, opening his car door and jumping in. Magnus did the same, “I was already in an argument long before you came to the house,” Magnus nodded, biting his lip to prevent him from saying anything else. The ride to the court was silent, a comforting one mixed with awkwardness.

Magnus turned in his seat, looking into Alec's eyes from the side but then dropping them until they were resting on his thighs. “Alec, about what you saw in the bathroom today…”

“Magnus,” Alec started, “It's okay. I knew you had eating problems, and although I didn't know you were that skinny, I'm not… disgusted by it - disgusted by what I saw. I was just… in shock, I guess,” He shrugged, “But, I get what you're going through and, even though you have a lot of problems on your plate right now along with your anorexic problem, it doesn't make me love you any less.”

“But I'm fat,” Magnus whispered.

“You're anything but fat, Mags,” Alec stopped the car in the parking lot of the courtroom, moving his eyes to Magnus' and giving him a smile. “Even if you were, it just gives me more to love.”

Before Magnus could get any word in, Alec jumped out of the car and walked over to Magnus' side, opening the door for him. Magnus gave out a genuine smile along with a small chuckle, taking Alec's outstretched arm and pulling himself out of the car. “I don't need an escort, love.”

He ignored the way Alec shivered slightly at the nickname and began walking to the door, “Love?” Alec asked quietly once he was beside him. Magnus opened the door, looking at Alec and giving him a gentle smile.

“Yeah, of course-”

“-Court starting in 5 minutes, people. Please enter the room and take your seats as soon as possible,” Somebody yelled, and that was all Magnus needed for his fear to spike and his legs to unconsciously move over to the courtroom, practically sprinting in there and sitting down in the front seat. Alec came and sat by him shortly after, grabbing his hand to comfort him and rubbing his knuckles with his thumb.

“Everything is going to be okay,” Alec whispered. Magnus didn't answer, though, because he knew it wasn't true. The room went silent when Imasu stood up, turning to face the crowd of people.

“Today, on court with be Jonathan Morgenstern, the man who is accused of doing all of this,” he said, “Jonathan Morgenstern to the stand, please,” Magnus felt the urge to gag when he saw Jonathan stand up and walk over to the stand, sitting down in the chair calmly and letting his eyes skim across the crowd of people. “Jonathan Morgenstern, I will start nice and simple here. Did you rape Magnus Bane?”

In that second, Jonathan's eyes landed on Magnus', a smirk growing on his face before he turned back to Imasu. “No, I didn't.”

 _Liar_.

“Okay. Do you have any idea as to why Magnus Bane would accuse you of such a thing? Why he would start a court about it?”

He nodded, “I am dating his ex-girlfriend, Camille Belcourt. He is jealous and still in love with her - everybody could see that” He shrugged, “He has always had a personal stake with me and my buddy, Sebastian, from the day he came back to school after having his break.”

“Why did he have a break, may I ask?”

“He had a break when Camille and he broke up and the news spread out about why they did, which is because he abused her physically and mentally.”

 _Liar_!

Imasu nodded. “Where were you on the night of October 6th?”

“I was out with my girlfriend at a restaurant around 4 blocks away from Pandemonium.”

“What time?”

“7 pm to 9 pm.”

The questions went on and on and the answers from Jonathan was complete bullshit. Nothing was true, and Magnus felt Alec's hand tightening every time a lie slipped out of his mouth. Eventually, Imasu went to sit down, and Raj jumped up, walking over to Jonathan with his hands behind his back.

“Jonathan, you said you were at a restaurant, correct?” Jonathan nodded, “If you were at a restaurant, why was there security footage of you holding Maia Roberts and bringing her into a bedroom?”

Alec and Magnus both saw the fear cross his face but within a blink, it was gone. “It wasn't me,” he responded. “The video you saw was a blonde guy, yeah, but my face wasn't in there, and there are many blonde guys out there.”

“When we asked the guards who are outside to make sure people are overage, which you are not, they told us that you entered the party that night at around 7 pm and left at around 11 pm. Whereas Magnus Bane entered at around 8 pm and left at 10 pm,” Jonathan's eyes sunken into Magnus' soul with fury, “And when we asked the guards what Magnus Bane looked like, they described him as limping with tears down his face.”

“That-”

“- And, they heard a convocation,” Raj walked over to his desk and picked up a piece of paper as a picture flicked onto the board. It was of Magnus and Maia outside of the club. “Maia said 'Magnus I am so sorry. There were a group of people looking for you. One had a neck tattoo. I'll go get them,' but Magnus said 'No. Don't talk to them or me please,' The guard said that they said sorry to each other before leaving,” He put down the paper, “We also got a tip saying that you left the upstairs rooms with a smirk on your face and not even a minute later, Magnus walked down the stairs with a limp and tears down his face. Would you like to explain that?”

“Like I said, you can't know for sure that was me-”

“- We asked people on sight who saw you and Magnus walking down the stairs and when I showed them a picture of you, they all agreed,” Jonathan's hands fisted into a ball, “Do you have an explanation for that, Mr. Morgenstern?”

Jonathan stayed silent.

Raj smiled, “No further questions asked, your honor.”

**“Rape is the most humiliating thing that could be done to you; it's the most vulnerable**  
**that you can be.”**

“Maia?” Magnus said, eyebrows furrowing as he picked up the call in the car. He looked over at Alec, “Are you okay? Do you need me to come over?”

“No,” she replied, “I'm okay.”

“Oh. Then, what's up?”

Maia sighed, “I wanted to let you know that I'm coming to court tomorrow,” Magnus' eyes went wide. “I'm testifying against Jonathan.”

**“She didn't want to report the rape**  
**Because she would get the blame**  
**And when she did?**

**That's exactly what happened.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im sorry I havent read through this to check for mistakes even though i said i would :( 
> 
> im just rlly tired yall. its 12 pm and although i was up at like 3am this morning i had to wake up at 7 so i am so tired. 
> 
> but i love you all. so much. thank you so much for sticking by this rollercoaster of a story and making me feel happy and proud about the work i am putting out, even if it is still shitty in my eyes haha. 
> 
> ill try and get something out before i go on holiday. i dont know if i will have the spark of inspiration like i did today, though. im so happy that ive gotten something out though before i go on holiday.
> 
> i will be writing while im on holiday but i wont be able to post because i have no wifi. and before people say "oh no dont worry about us you have fun on your holiday and think about yourself!" (which is so so so sweet <3) i will probably be bored at night times when everybody is chatting bc my family doesnt like to include me in convocations haha. 
> 
> anyways, like i said, i will try my hardest to post something before the 7th and i hope that i actually do have inspiration on holiday and end up writing something or a couple somethings that i can post when i get back!!
> 
> i love you all. have a great day.
> 
> (i just made a tumblr called babe-magnusbane haha uhm i will add u guys if you want!) 
> 
> opinions on the chapter?


	23. Chapter Twenty-Two- Decidophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im unable to change the texts in the middle and stuff from access on my phone. im sorry but when i come back i’ll make sure it all looks okay <3

**Decidophobia;** _the fear of making decisions._

 

**“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions**

**That can change you**

**Forever.”**

 

_ <>*<>*<> _

 

**_November 4th, 2018. Later that night._ **

 

“You didn’t respond to Raj?!” Camille yelled as she threw Jonathan a look full of rage, hands clenched into fists at her sides. “That makes the lies you told look like absolute shit! Do you understand what that has done to our side? Our _entire_ case?” Sebastian, whom was sat quietly in the corner, head shot up as though a lightbulb got switched on.

 

He stood up quickly and walked over. “This may or may not work, but, could everything possibly be solved if I talked to Imasu? He could maybe talk to Raj about the case.”

 

“No,” Camille answered quickly. “The opponents defenders aren’t allowed to go near each other, let alone be in the same room except for in court. The only time Imasu could talk to Raj legally and without being watched is after the case is finished.”

 

“Guys,” Jonathan cut in with his blonde silky hair being brushed back. “Does it really matter?” Camille looked even more infuriated than before, face beginning to turn a red colour. The blonde haired boy held up his hand, silencing her when her mouth opened. “I’m the son of Valentine Morgenstern who is loved by everybody in the city. We’re rich as well. We could easily pay them millions to lie.”

 

Camille rolled her eyes and shook her head, her curly dark locks swinging behind her. “How else could we possibly get Raj to back down from the case, then? Or at least get people on the case to back down.”

 

“We could kill ‘em.”

 

“I’m not getting involved in a murder, you dumb fucks!” Camille sighed angrily with an ugly look on her face which the pair of boys doubted would subside anytime soon. “We need to be serious about this. Do you even understand what could happen to us if they found out the plot we’ve made? The lies we’ve told?” Sebastian shook his head but that was not a shock to either of Jonathan or Camille. He certainly wasn’t the brightest bulb. “We’d be done for.”

 

“Did you not listen to what I just said?” Jonathan questioned rhetorically. “I’m rich and my father is practically mayor of this city. There is a ,what, 10% chance of Magnus _Bane_ winning,” he spat his name out as though it was dirt, a snarl on his face. “Whereas I have the 90%-“

 

“There is video proof of you, Jonathan. Physical proof. They’re side is strong compared to ours!” Jonathan opened his mouth, but Camille was faster, words spitting out like fire. “Maybe if you hadn’t of raped him none of this would’ve happened!”

 

“Well maybe he shouldn’t of gotten in the way,” Jonathan spat back, pushing himself off his chair and coming face-to-face to Camille. The action was meant to be menacing but Camille knew better. “Besides, you know that Magnus hasn’t practically been raped before. Don’t pretend you were innocent- you told me yourself that you forced Magnus into sex.”

 

“He consented in the end-“

 

“- _in the end_ ,” Jonathan smiled. “We’re not all innocent here. Including you, Seb.”

 

“I grabbed his ass, so what?” Sebastian asked as he shrugged innocently. “You two have _raped_ people. I believe I am the most innocent in this group.”

 

The couple rolled their eyes before turning back to face one another, conflict and confusion on their faces. Sebastian looked between them and slipped out his phone, pressing onto his contacts.

 

 **Seb:** _Babe are you awake?_

 

 **Boyfriend <3: ** _For you, of course Xox_

 **Boyfriend <3: ** _What is it that you need? Xx_

 

 **Seb:** _is there any way you could possibly get Raj to quit the case? Cami said that u two apparently aren’t allowed to talk to one another let alone be in the same room._

 

 **Boyfriend <3: ** _Camille is smart- the two of us cannot converse with one another, but, I could possibly make some arrangements of other people in my team whom would be willing._

 **Boyfriend <3: ** _Why? Are you afraid we won’t win this case? Xxx_

 

 **Seb:** _yeah. We all are. Raj seemed to have gotten a good point this round. You think you could make those arrangements ASAP?_

 

 **Boyfriend <3: ** _I could, for you. And although I am not allowed to speak more of this, I can say that so far that our side is only winning by 1. Isabelle, Alec, and Tessa lost._

 

 **Seb:** _Do you know who’s next in court?_

 

 **Boyfriend <3: ** _My team told me they phoned up today and asked to do one tomorrow. A women by the name Maia Roberts. Xxx_

 

 **Seb:** _Who’s after them?_

 

 **Boyfriend <3: ** _Catarina Loss and Ragnor Fell are up next. If Maia loses, we’ll draw and Magnus gets to pick who comes up next. Xxx_

 

 **Seb:** _okay. Thank you babe. See you tomorrow night?? Xxx_

 

 **Boyfriend <3:** _of course. See you tomorrow babe Xxx_

 

When Sebastian shut off his phone and looked back up at the pair, it seemed he had been missing the rest of the verbal fight between them. “-blame this on me! You know for a fact none of this would have happened if you would’ve kept your dick in your pants.”

 

“What, are you sticking up for the fag now? I may have fucking raped him, but so did you. You’re not as innocent as you think, _Belcourt!”_

 

“He had a fucking orgasm and he was hard- I think that proves he wanted me as much as I wanted sex at that moment in time!”

 

“Don’t use that bullshit excuse, Camille. The fag didn’t even tell me to stop or even said the word ‘no’.”

 

“He told you to get off. He didn’t say that to me.”

 

“Whatever, Camille,” Jonathan finally said. He spun 180 degrees and walked over to his chair, picking up a cigarette as he walked over. “If you’re going to change to their side, go ahead. Just know this is over if you make that decision.”

 

Camille tensed her jaw and folded her arms in front of her chest, her foot tapping on the floor as she watched Jonathan. “Those are bad for you, you know,” she said, her voice suddenly going soft. “I don’t want you to get sick.”

 

“I don’t care,” Jonathan replied. He finally looked up, their eyes locking. “Anyway, since when did you care about me? You know this relationship was just to piss Magnus off.”

 

Camille gaped, eyes going wide and mouth falling open. “Is that all you were in it for?” Camille asked dumbfounded. “You thought ‘hey, let’s get with Camille so I can piss off Magnus enough for him to go ballistic?’”

 

“Didn’t you?”

 

Camille let out a breathless chuckle, her arms unfolding from her chest and falling limp beside her. “Fuck you, Jonathan. You were only in this for revenge and pleasure? Well guess what, _Morgenstern,_ ” she leaned forward. “I’m going to get my revenge and pleasure.”

 

As she turned in the spot, Jonathan jumped up from his seat and grabbed her wrist violently, tugging her until she spun around and their chests’ made contact. “You’re doing no such thing, Camille.”

 

“Watch me.”

 

Jonathan grabbed his cigarette off the floor and pressed it into Camille's skin as she tried to turn away, erupting a pain filled scream from her. “If you tell anybody anything, I can make sure your death doesn’t look like a murder, rather yet a suicide,” a smirk rose on his smooth face. “Just like your father.”

 

“If you don’t let go of my right now I’ll make sure the whole world knows what a freak bitch you are,” she snarled.

 

“A freak?” Jonathan scoffed. “Hardly.”

 

She put on a pout. “A homophobic, yet homosexual, freak who rapes men and women, has sex with his best friend whom is in a relationship, cheats and plays with people's hearts certainly doesn’t sound like a freak, does it?”

 

Jonathan squeezed her wrist tighter. “How did you know about the cheating? When?” His jaw was clenched, and it looked like if he went on for any longer, it would snap.

 

“Oh please, I knew from the very beginning,” she snarled. “I was too blind in love to realised the signs that I’m unwanted from a cheating fool.”

 

“I’m sure Magnus felt the same,” Jonathan replied. Camille, though she would never admit this to anybody, knew Magnus was special, despite the things she had done to him. Magnus was much better than Jonathan. And she didn’t deserve him then, and not now, either. Not that she even wanted him.

 

“Don’t stroke your ego too much, my dear. I think even a blind human could tell Magnus was a better lover than you will ever be, dickhead,” she yanked her arm back while beginning to walk backward. “And he gave me much better pleasure.”

 

And she walked off, bag in her hands, dark locks swinging from side to side, heels clitter clattering, and tears streaming down her emotionless face.

 

**“Just because a person doesn’t lay their hands on you doesn’t mean they aren’t abusive.”**

 

**< >*<>*<>**

 

**_November 5th, early morning._ **

 

Alec pulled at Magnus’ hands as gently as he could as he tried to pry him away from his bed. “Magnus, you need to eat.”

 

“I told you- I’m not hungry, Alexander,” Magnus said, tugging his arm back and putting it to the side. “I know you want to see me eat, but I’ll eat when I’m hungry. Which, right now, I’m not.”

 

“Magnus,” Alec moved to sit on the edge of his bed. “You haven’t eaten anything in weeks- possibly even months. I can tell just by looking at you. And if you don’t eat, despite the fact that you aren’t hungry, your body will start to shut down and they will force food down you by tubes in your nose. Surely you don’t want that?”

 

“You know, you seem to know a lot about it,” Magnus said, completely ignoring his question. Of course he didn’t want that, but he didn’t want to eat and risk gaining weight either. Alec sighed, shaking his head and putting his back against a pole.

 

“That’s because I am an anorexia survivor, Magnus.”

 

“ _What?”_

 

Magnus stared completely dumbfounded at Alec, whose head was down like he was ashamed and arms resting beside him.

 

“I know. It’s hard to believe when you look at me but, I was,” Alec said. He paused for a moment, raising his head and looking at the pile of books on the floor as though he was watching his past unfold before his eyes. “We hadn’t met at that point. It started when I was 12, turning 13 in a couple months.

 

“Everything was fine in my life. My family adored me, I had friends, food, a nice house, things to do… But I wanted to be perfect, even though people claimed I already was. In fact, I think that’s what put the entire picture in my head. I knew I wasn’t perfect like everybody told me, but I wanted to be perfect, and so I… I starved myself.

 

“At first, I started off slow. I started reducing things off my plates and pretending that I was full. I didn’t do exercise as my mother told me I had no reason to go, and by the fact I wasn’t old enough, so I continued to cut off food. Day by day, week by week, and my portions of food was getting as small as a bowl of soup.

 

“When I looked at my body, though, to me, I still looked the way I was before. And so, I started taking a look at my calories as I realised,  even if I did cut off some of my food, the calories could be massive, and just eating a bowl of something could take up my whole calorie intake.

 

“So, I watched my calories. By this point, I was 14, and my mother finally allowed my to go to the gym. I went with Jace, and it was tiring as I had no energy in me at all, but after a couple weeks of exercising, I saw my body getting smaller, and I was so glad.

 

“So I kept up my ways. Calories decreasing from 1200, to 800, to 400, to 200, and exercising for at least 3 hours a day. My family, well, Isabelle, noticed and told my mother who paid no mind at all at the time. Isabelle asked me, and I told her it was just because I was exercising a lot, and she let me off the hook.

 

“Things were great and nobody knew a thing until I collapsed in the mall. I was just standing there, doing nothing, and just collapsed. I got rushed to the hospital and I woke up to my family crying as they told me I was diagnosed with anorexia. Just seeing the looks on their faces and feeling the food getting shoved into my body by tubes made me realise just how… horrible becoming anorexic is.

 

“I hated every second I was in hospital, and when they brought me up to a sensible weight, I was free to go home, and I never thought about counting calories or reducing my food at all. I did keep up my exercising, but that’s to stay fit.

 

“I’m much healthier now. Plus, that was 3 years ago now and I’ve learned my lesson. And that’s why I want to help you. Because I know you wouldn’t want any of that. _I_ wouldn’t want any of that to happen to you.”

 

By the end, Magnus had tears silently rolling down his cheeks and a hand over his mouth to muffle his sobs. He crawled forward, pulling Alec into a tight hug.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Magnus whispered. “I’ve been so caught up in myself that I didn’t even pay attention to the things you’ve been through,” A tear dropped onto Alec’s shoulder and sunk through the shirt, making his skin slightly wet. “I’m so selfish. _I’m so sorry._ ”

 

“You’re not selfish, Magnus,” Alec said as he pulled back from the hug, bringing a hand up to wipe Magnus’ tears away with his thumb. “I haven’t dealt with half the things you have, okay? If I were in your position, I wouldn’t have been thinking straight either.”

 

“When have I ever?” Magnus teased. Alec chuckled lightly, shaking his head.

 

“That was lame,” Alec replied, “but true.”

 

“Of course it is,” Magnus said, a smile rising on his face. “I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”

 

Alec rolled his eyes with a fond smile as his hands brushed down lower and lower until they stopped at the bottom of Magnus’ back. “Are you hungry?” Magnus opened his mouth, “-don’t lie. Please.”

 

Magnus sighed, his body slouching forward. “I am,” he whispered in a guilty tone. “I have been for awhile.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Alec whispered into the silence that took over them once again. “I could’ve helped you sooner,” a horrified look crossed his face. “Wait, Magnus, how much do you weigh?”

 

He swallowed thickly, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “42kg, I think.”

 

“Oh _god_ , Magnus..,” tears rose in Alec’s eyes as he let them trail over Magnus’ body once more. “That’s lower than a average 13 year old boy…”

 

“I know, but I’m gonna get better, okay?” Magnus whispered while he brushed his thumb under Alec’s eye. “I’m going to eat healthy and work out and _I’ll get better._ I promise you I will,” Alec didn’t believe it. “I just need that little push, that guidance, to get me back on track.”

 

Alec shook his head slightly and looked up, “I don’t even know how your body has been functioning for so long,” Magnus’ throat went dry. “You should be dead.”

 

“But I’m not. I’m still here,” he paused. “With you.”

 

They sat in silence, Magnus on Alec’s lap from the hug and gazing into eachothers glassy eyes. They were afraid that if anyone or anything moved, the moment would shatter into pieces and everything would turn to dusk.

 

Until Magnus broke the glass, but in the best way

 

He crashed their lips together in a passionate kiss which Alec happily responded to, hands flying to all different parts of eachothers bodies as they melted against one another. The kiss was wonderful and fully of passion, of tears, and of _love_.

 

Alec moved his hand so that it lay on Magnus’ chest and pushed him down until he softly landed on his mattress. He tilted his head to the side as Magnus’ tongue brushed against his bottom lip, asking for entrance, which he allowed with a soft moan.

 

It was everything Alec wished for.

 

It was everything Magnus wished for, too.

 

Everything, in that moment, was perfect. The world had finally found them peace in one another and destiny finally filled their hearts.

 

Magnus’ hand slid down Alec’s back and up his shirt, and they both simotaneisuly pulled back to discard it. They both reconnected their lips when the shirt was on the other side of the room like they never disconnected in the first place.

 

Neither of them could think of anything better than this.

 

Kissing the one they love, being with the one they love and simply-

 

“ _Alexander Lightwood!”_ Robert yelled as he stomped forward and pulled Alec off of Magnus by the shoulders and onto the floor. “What in the heavens name are you doing with that _fag?!”_

 

None of them responded as they were frozen in shock, Alec lying on the floor and Magnus leaning up on his elbows on the bed.

 

Roberts mouth was moving, but Magnus couldn’t hear him. His gaze switched to Alec’s, but his eyes were downcast.

 

He didn’t know what was even happening until Magnus felt a sharp sting across his cheek and a harsh tug on his wrist, pulling him off the bed and down the stairs.

 

“Dad!” Somebody yelled from behind him. His mind was hazed, eyes blurry, breathing hard from a mix of kissing Alec and complete and utter _horror_ by the fact that Robert Lightwood of all people caught the pair making out, his son half naked. “Let go of him!”

 

Reality hit him like a bucket of water and he yanked his hand back, but he was already being thrown out of this house into the pouring rain with the door being slammed shut behind him.

 

Magnus stumbled up on weak, shaky legs after awhile of just sitting there,

 

And ran.

 

He didn’t know where he was going, or where he could _possibly_ go anyway, but he ran.

 

The rain plummeting down on his back with loud _thumps_ distracted him of the people calling his name- Were people even calling his name, anyway?

 

After god knows how long of running, he stopped, collapsing on the freezing cold, wet ground and crawling towards a bus stop, pressing his back against it.

 

He couldn’t breathe.

 

He couldn’t _breathe._

 

Magnus clawed a hand at his chest, trying to take in as much air as possible, but he couldn’t.

 

He tried loosening his collar, but it wouldn’t budge.

 

He was going to die.

 

He was _going to die._

 

“ _H-e’p m-me_ !” He managed to choke out, and to his luck, a woman with dark, long, curly hair came running towards him. “ _I c-can’t b’r-breathe._ ”

 

“Just take deep breaths, Magnus,” the woman said. _How do you know my name? Who are you? Call Alexander,_ he wanted to say, but nothing would come out except for the pleads of help.  “Breath in with me, okay.”

 

He tried copying her, but his heartbeat in his ears blocked out any other sound, and eventually, he gave up trying, and fell into unconsciousness.

 

**“Sometimes people find it hard to ask for help.**

**Don’t let him push you away.”**

 

 **-** **_Isabelle Lightwood, s2_ **

 

When Magnus woke up, the first thing he felt was confusion.

 

Where was he?

 

How did he get here?

 

Is he dead?

 

Who was the woman who helped him?

 

Then came the fear.

 

_I’m kidnapped._

 

_I’m gonna get murdered._

 

_Am I in hell?_

 

But his thoughts were cut off when the door opened and the woman walked in, and it felt like the air left his lungs.

 

Camille.

 

“Magnus! You’re finally awake,” she said, walking over and handing him a glass of water. “For a second I though you died,” she chuckled, quickly scanning over his frozen form before sighing and rolling her brown eyes. “I know you’re probably thinking I kidnapped you with Jonathan and Sebastian but, lucky for you, I didn’t. In fact, we’re not even in the city right now.”

 

“Why not?” Magnus croacked out. He coughed, atempting to clear his throat, before taking a hesitant sip of water. “Wait, what time is it? I need to get to court at 2.”

 

“I'm sorry, but court is already over. You were passed out for a long time,” despite everything she had done to him, in that moment, she sounded genuinely sincere. “As for the question, I have to hide away from Jonathan,” Magnus raised his eyebrows in question, to which Camille let out a small ‘ _oh_ ’ with a smile. “Me and Jonathan broke up.”

 

“Wait, what? Why?”

 

Camille paused, looking down at her hands and fiddling with her ring. A promise ring, Magnus recognised. “We had a…disagreement,” she looked back up and gave Magnus a tight, hesitant smile. It was only then that Magnus realised the state she was in. Messy hair in a bun, face bare, sweatpants and a jumper. “And it turns out he was only in the relationship for pleasure and revenge on you.”

 

Magnus bit his lip. “I’m sorry, Camille. I know that must suck-“

 

“Don’t apologise, Magnus,” she whispered. “Not after everything I did to you.”

 

“It’s okay, Camille,” Magnus said, and it was true. He was truly okay about it all, and that may seem crazy, but his past issue with Camille isn’t almost as bad as anything that had happened afterward, even though she was the start of it all. Unintentionally, kind of. “I’m over what happened. The past is the past. I forgive you.”

 

“You shouldn’t, Magnus,” Camille replied, moving to sit on the bed. “No matter if you are truly over it or not, I’m never going to let you forgive me. I’m a horrible person. I don’t care what evidence you may have to prove me otherwise.”

 

“Okay,” Magnus whispered. The silence fell over them, and Magnus couldn’t help but just look at how broken she seemed. He had never seen her so… _hurt_. “Why did you help me on the streets? You could’ve just left me there to freeze or die or whatever…”

 

She took a deep breath and crawled forward until their knees were touching. She took the water out from his hands and placed it on the floor before grabbing his now empty hands, looking into his soul. “Magnus, I’m going to tell you everything.”

 

“What do you mean?” Her asked hesitantly.

 

“I mean,” she took a deep breath. “I’m going to tell you their plan. And everything that happened and everything that _will_ happen.”

 

**“What’s the point in living,**

 

**When you’re not really living?”**

 

**< >*<>*<>**

 

**_November 5th, earlier that day._ **

**_Court._ **

 

“Where’s Magnus?” Isabelle whispered from beside him as she tugged down the bottom of her dress, eyes glancing around every corner.  “I thought you said he was going to be here.”

 

“I did,” Alec whispered back, walking over to the court door and walking in. He walked over to his usual spot. “I don’t know where he is,” he admitted. “I haven’t seen him since he ran from the house.”

 

Isabelle sighed, tugging her cardigan around her tighter. “I fucking hate dad for what he did,” she snarled but then, after a second, a small smile grew on her face and she turned to Alec. “I’m glad you two are finally making things work. I know it’s probably going to be awkward now between the two of you, but, if you ever need advice, you know I’m here for you, big bro.”

 

Alec gave her a small smile and nodded but said nothing else otherwise. The time flew by slowly as more and more people piled in, and Alec had hoped Magnus would show up, but he didn’t.

 

Raj stood up first this time, walking over to Maia with a sympathetic smile, who paid no mind as her eyes frantically looked around the crowd. When they landed on Alec, he shook his head and mouthed ‘He’s not here. Explain later,’ to which she nodded and turned her attention back to the problem at hand. “Maia Roberts, how are you doing today?”

 

“I’m… okay. I could be better, but, I’m sure it all will once this court is over and me and Magnus, and many other innocent woman and men, get justice,” she said. Alec smiled on the answer, and felt Isabelle grab his hand and link their fingers.

 

Rajs smile lingered and he nodded. “Jonathan Morgenstern,” he started. “Before this incident occurred, did you know who he was or what he has been doing to other people, if he had been raping woman and men beforehand?”

 

“I did know him,” she said, nodding. “I didn’t know him personally, but every weekend we were with each other at Pandemonium. Not alone, but in groups.”

 

“Who was in this group?”

 

“Jonathan, me, one of my friends named Jessie, Lydia, Sebastian,” Alec watched as Imasu’s head popped up at the name and furrowed his eyebrows slightly. Maia certainly noticed it too as she paused, looking at him, but tore her gaze away not even a second later. “And a couple of jocks from his school that I didn’t know the names of.”

 

“Okay. Excuse me if I’m wrong, but had any of your friends ever spoken about being raped?”

 

“Objection,” Imasu said, standing up, “Irrelevant.”

 

“I’m simply wondering if this could have any links to see if Jonathan was personally attacking his group of friends as well,” Raj stated calmly.

 

“Continue,” the Judge said.

 

Imasu looked over at Alec with a angry look on his face and Alec smirked, feeling the urge to laugh at him and his pettiness.

 

“Jessie has, who is a female by the way.She told me that he was blonde and that she recognised his face, but she just couldn’t pin who it was,” Maia responded. “Now I realised that we are both a victim of Jonathan, and how Lydia could possibly be next.”

 

Raj nodded again. “And you’re at this club frequently with them?”

 

“I am.”

 

“Okay. Now, if you wouldn’t mind, could you please go into detail as much as you can about the night Magnus got raped.”

 

Maia took a deep breath and nodded, giving Raj a small smile. “Me, Jessie, Lydia, Jonathan, Sebastian and their jock friends all have this group chat that we message in frequently about when we’re meeting up at the club next. The night before the tragedy, we all decided we would meet up.

 

“When the day came, me and my girl friends all got there at around 5:30pm. Jonathan and his friends came at around 6pm. We had drinks, laughed, played truth or dare, drank. All the normal things we did. This time, though, Jonathan acted… different towards me.

 

“He was much more polite, offering me drinks and paying for them and just being a basically nice guy. When I turned around to look at something, I’m pretty sure Jonathan spiked my drink because not even a couple minutes later, I felt so weak I could barely stand up.

 

“I remember Jonathan picking me up and saying something along the longs on ‘we’re going upstairs’ and I knew from that moment on that he was going to try and have sex with me. I pushed at his chest as hard as I could, which wasn’t very hard from my weak state, but he wouldn’t budge.

 

“He brought me into the room and threw me onto the bed. I tried crawling away but he… he pinned my arms above my head. I-I told him no. I told him to stop and to get off, but… he wouldn’t. I really thought in that moment that I would get raped.”

 

Maia wiped a stray tear away and smiled as she looked at the desk in front of her. “And then Magnus burst through the door.”

 

Alec squeezed onto Isabelle’s fingers tighter and looked down, closing his eyes.

 

“He pushes Jonathan off me and pinned his arms above his head and threatened him to stay down otherwise he’d call the police or beat the shit out of him or whatever, and then he got off and helped me up.

 

“He told me his name and asked for mine. He told me he was going to help me and that everything was going to be okay. But when we got to the door, Jonathan pushed us so that Magnus was in and I was out. Our hands were still joined, and that was preventing the door from slamming shut.

 

“Magnus said it was okay and that I could go and ring the police, and Jonathan just laughed and told us they’d never believe us because he was rich and entitled- which I guess is true. In fact, it _is._ He’s the son of Valentine Morgenstern. People are bound to believe him over us.”

 

She paused, taking a breather for a second, before starting up again. “I walked away from the door with so much shame in myself because I had walked away from a rape bound to happen. I knew it was, but I just walked out of the club and cried.

 

“While I was waiting, a group of people walked up to me and asked me if they saw a boy called Magnus in the club and showed me a picture. I felt so bad for lying, but I had no choice. Even though I didn’t know Alec at the time, I felt so bad for him.

 

“I waited around 10-15 minutes before Magnus finally walked out. He was limping. His hair was messy and his makeup was smudged. I told him that a group of people came to look for him, one with a neck tattoo, and that I’d go get them for him.

 

“He said no. He told me to leave them alone and… and to leave _him_ alone. I knew I should and I promised myself I would- that was why I was so hard on him. Because I blame myself for what happened to him. Because if I had called the police or yelled for help, Magnus wouldn’t of been raped and we wouldn’t be here.

 

“But, like I was saying, he told me to leave him alone. And I apologised. And he said sorry back. And then he walked away.”

 

Raj looked on the verge of tears as he asked; “And what happened afterwards?”

 

“I went back in the club and looked for Alec and his group of friends. When I found him, I pulled Alec away and told him that he needed to follow me, and I pulled him up the stairs and to the room and…”

 

She paused, letting out a small sob. “And on the bed was Jonathan’s semen and Magnus’ blood mixed together. And me and Alec just cried together,” Maia raised her head and locked eyes with Imasu. “Because the person your defending is a rapist. And he raped one of the best, caring, loving, supportive, and strongest people on this planet.”

 

The whole court room was silent as Maia glared at Imasu, tears running down her cheeks and falling off her chin and onto her hands in her lap. Alec and Isabelle sat beside each other, hands gripping one another’s and crying silently.

 

Magnus has gone through so much. _So fucking much._ And people never showed him an ounce of respect all because of an entitled, white, rich rapist.

 

“Excuse me,” Raj said as he wiped a tear away. “Okay. You-you said that if you had just called for help then they wouldn’t be in this mess, but wouldn’t that insinuate that you would’ve been raped instead?”

 

She shook her head. “No, it doesn’t, but if I had the choice or the ability to reverse time, I would’ve found a way to stop Magnus from coming to that club. To stop him from getting raped. I deserved it, not him.”

 

“Thank you, Maia,” Raj said, moving to sit down and wiping a tear away. “No more questions, your honour.”

 

When Raj sat down, Imasu jumped up immediately, like he was waiting for that moment.

 

“Maia, you say that you all went to the club at 5-6pm, but Jonathan told us that him and his girlfriend Camille were out at dinner,” Imasu spoke. “How could Jonathan possibly rape Magnus if he was at dinner?”

 

“That’s the point,” Maia said confidently, the sadness and tears washed away as she faced Imasu. Her glare was cold. “He wasn’t. In fact, Camille was out with Catarina Loss and Ragnor Fell at that time. I sent a screenshot to your team of an Instagram picture that obviously got deleted once Jonathan was on court.”

 

The screenshot was a picture of Camille's latest instragm picture. The picture was one of her, Ragnor, and Catarina. The caption was;

 

“ _Amazing night so far with my two best friends. Missing my boo tho:( 8pm drinks make my frown turn upside down, tho!!!! <333” _

 

Imasu tensed his jaw before giving the judge a tight smile, “No further questions, your honour.”

 

**“And in that moment…**

**It felt like I was already dead.”**

 

Alec immediately pulled Maia into a hug once she got out of the court room, looking around her nervously before her gaze had landed on Alec and Isabelle and ran forward. He felt her trembling under her touch and tugged her in tighter, desperately not wanting his tears to fall down.

 

She pulled back, giving Isabelle a small smile and a hug before looking between the pair. “Where’s Magnus? He told me last night that he was going to be here for me.”

 

“My dad caught them making out, and he’s a homophobic jerk, so he kicked Magnus out and we can’t find him,” Isabelle rambled nervously. “We have no idea where he could be right now.”

 

Maia nodded, biting her lip, before Raj walked over hesitantly.

 

“Hey,” they all said. Raj gave them all a smile and a hug before he pulled back, expression suddenly serious. “What’s up?”

 

“Do you want the good news or bad news first?” Raj asked. They all glanced at each other.

 

“Good.”

 

“Maia won the case,” Maia let a breath of relief escape her throat. “But the bad news is we’re drawing with them right now. And we need our best witness out there that could help us win.”

 

“Aren’t other people up next, though?”

 

“Apparently theirs doesn’t count as they weren’t actually there or knew anything about the rape. They’re just there to tell us about Magnus at school and home,” Raj explained.

 

“What are you saying?” Alec asked. Raj took a deep breath and glanced at them all, fear clear on his face.

 

“We need Magnus to be in court.”

 

**“sometimes your life takes turns that you never expect. and you can never tell if that is a good or a bad one.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hola ama!!! 
> 
> as you may know, i am on holiday right now but i have an hour of free WiFi so im able to post this new chapter!!! 
> 
> im currently writing the next chapter right now and im excited for u guys to see it and to know your opinions!! 
> 
> loveeee u <3


	24. Chapter Twenty-Three- Soteriophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning*  
> =Character Death & Gun Violence

**Soteriophobia;** _the fear of dependence on others._    

 

 **“** **why did you try to**

**kill yourself?**

 

**you told me to be**

**happy.”**

 

**< >*<>*<>**

 

**_November 6th._ **

 

“Magnus is missing?” Jace asked but with no sign of care in his voice. It was the next day, early morning at around 10am, and Alec texted Clary, Simon, and Jace, insisting they all come over their house ASAP to help ‘investigate’ as Isabelle liked to say. Simon and Clary had, and still do, cared about Magnus and what had been going on. Jace? Not so much. “Again?”

 

Alec rolled his eyes, sitting down on the couch furthest away from him “Yes, again. He messaged me at around 2pm yesterday, but he’s not here. Why does that even matter?” Jace sighed and mumbled something under his breath. “What?”

 

“I said, why should I even care?” Alec raised his eyebrows, feeling the anger starting to flare through him. “It’s not like me and Magnus are friends. And besides, he has went missing before and he came back. He’ll do the same thing this time as well,” Isabelle tended beside him.

 

Clary sat down beside Alec, hands balled in slight fists laying on her sides. “You don’t know that for sure. Anything could happen to him, now _and_ the last time.”

 

“And you care because you’re my friend. You’re _Magnus_ ’ friend. I don’t even understand why you would assume you wasn’t-“

 

“Are we really friends, Alec? Me and you?” Jace yelled, ignoring everybody else’s glances and watching Alec’s face morph into a mix of confusion and rage. “Because right now, it doesn’t seem like I’m your friend. Nor Clary, and nor Simon.”

 

Isabelle looked between the boys with the same confusion Alec had, before it turned into sympathy. She didn’t comment on the elephant in the room when Alec, Simon, Clary, or Jace saw this though. “What are you talking about, Jace? You’re my best friend. My _brother_ -“

 

“Really? Are you being serious right now?” Jace pushes himself off the sofa, his fists balled turning his knuckles white. “I’m your best friend who you spend absolutely no time with, ignores my messages, and doesn’t even talk to me when we’re actually together if _he_ is there?”

 

“He? Who’s- _oh_ ,” Clary furrowed her eyebrows, standing up and walking over to Jace slowly. “You’re jealous of Magnus?” Clary’s voice was much softer now and she reached out to touch Jace’s elbow. He flinched, his arm falling out of her grip. “Jace-“

 

“No. You can’t tell me that Alec hasn’t spent more time with Magnus this month than he has with us this whole year,” Clary stayed silent. Jace looked back over at Alec. “You’re supposed to be my best friend, man. You’re supposed to love me-“

 

“I do love you,” Alec whispered.

 

Jace only shook his head. “No. You love Magnus.”

 

“I don’t love Magnus, Jace,” Alec said, not breaking his gaze away from Jace whom looked shocked yet a little amused and happy by the news. “I’m _in_ love with him. And I love you.”

 

But Jace said nothing and walked out the front door.

 

Simon jumped up to chase after him, but Isabelle grabbed his wrist from the chair and shook her head sadly. He didn’t follow him.

 

“Guys…” Alec whispered, tears in his eyes. “You know I don’t- I don't use you all. I know I’ve been spending with Magnus a lot recently, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about you. I do. It’s just, Magnus has had a lot on his plate right now, you know?”

 

Simon and Clary responded at the same time, with two completely different opinions.

 

“I understand, Alec. It’s okay.”

 

“No, I don’t understand.”

 

Clary whirled her head around to Simon. This had been the first time Simon had ever even tried defending himself or another person towards Alec. The other times he had just gotten scared. “What did you just say, Simon?”

 

“I said that I don’t understand,” Simon shifted in his place, looking down and avoiding any type of eye contact. “You claim that Magnus has a lot on his plate, but if you would have paid attention to your other supposed best friend, you would’ve known Jace has been struggling too.”

 

Alec swallowed thickly, blinking rapidly. Isabelle’s eyes were on Simon, squinted slightly like she was trying to see into his soul- his brain. “I’m sorry. Just- just two people at the same time is a lot to handle.”

 

“You haven’t even tried to handle Jace’s, Alec. I have, and I can assure you it’s probably much easier to handle than Magnus’”.

 

“You don’t understand, Simon!” Alec yelled. When Clary and Isabelle turned to him, they had to put a hand over their mouth to stop a gasp from escaping as, in the first time in forever, or the first time ever in Clary's case, they saw Alec crying. “ _You never will._ What would you do when both your best friends are having problems who both don’t like each other?” Simon swallowed thickly, risking a glance up at him, which ended up saying. “I love both of them, believe me, I do, but it’s hard. It’s not like I have a choice in this-“

 

“But you do! You have a choice on who to help!”

 

“I don’t have fucking anything!” Alec yelled. Isabelle looked down at her phone as a million vibrations came through, but nobody else even glanced her way. “I’m in love with Magnus. I love Jace. They’re both my best friends and I’ve failed _both_ of them.”

 

The silence in the room was one of the most horrible things Clary had ever been through. Seeing Alec cry, seeing Simon looking guilty as ever, and Isabelle-

 

“Oh my god,” Isabelle whispered, hand sill over her mouth. “Oh my fucking god. No, no, no.”

 

“What? What’s wrong?” Clary asked, rushing over to Isabelle’s side and looking down at her screen. Her eyes widened and she felt the dread pooled at the bottom of her stomach rush up her entire body. “Oh, god…”

 

“What’s wrong?” Alec asked, coming over closer. He paused when Isabelle looked up at him. “Isabelle, _what’s wrong?”_

 

She looked down at her phone for a second before back at Alec. “For starters, Camille and Jonathan broke up-“

 

“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

 

Isabelle shook her head. “No. Because do you want to know where Magnus went yesterday? Camille's house,” Alec swallowed thickly, fists in tight balls with his short fingernails digging into the skin on his palm.

 

“Where is he now?” Simon asked hesitantly.

 

”I don’t know. All we- _everybody_ knows about this is that they’ve been involved in a gun shooting, and they’ve been nowhere to be found since.”

 

Everybody stayed still, eyes averting to Alec, who looked at nobody but his own feet. Then they were moving, and the disappeared up the stairs.

 

**“Why live when you have nothing to live for?”**

 

**< >*<>*<>**

 

**_November 5th, Camille and Magnus._ **

 

“I’m going to tell you their plan. And everything that happened and everything that _will_ happen.”

 

Magnus swallowed thickly, nodding as he couldn’t cooperate words quick enough to confirm Camille that he wanted to know their plans. No, in fact, he _needed_ to know them. Maybe by the end of this, Magnus could ask Camille to come to court, expose their plan and Jonathan and Sebasian in the process. Maybe Magnus could get the justice and peace he deserved, even though he highly doubted there would be any peace. It was more like a thin piece of hope. “Okay,” he finally whispered once he knew that, through the ongoing silence, Camille wanted a verbal answer. She finally sighed in relief, or something else that Magnus didn’t know, and let her hands slip out of his. Only a couple months ago he would’ve missed the heat of it and her sharp nails slightly poking his skin, and even though she no longer had those long fake nails on but her natural, short ones, he knew he would never miss it again. He was glad. “Camille, before we go any further, I just want to know something..,” she turned around to face him. “Why are you doing this? Why are you showing me now? Why didn’t you show me this before?”

 

Camille didn’t answer for a solid couple seconds as she really wondered, before she mutted out a small “I don’t know,” Magnus guessed she would’ve stopped there by the confession, but it turns out that that wasn’t the only thing on her mind about why she truly is showing Magnus everything. “You’ve been through so much, and I never even realised that until last night. The things people have put you through… Catarina, Ragnor, Jonathan, your father, your mother… _Me._ I haven’t been where you have, but I know from the bottom of my heart that I would’ve… I wouldn’t of been able to hold on like you have.”

 

 _I haven’t,_ Magnus wanted to say. He didn’t. He didn’t really know if he could trust Camille just yet.

 

He nodded again, and this time she took it, turning back around. Magnus watched as she fiddled all around her bookcase, pushing away a group of things, accidentally tipping things over, before she finally reached a tiny sachet at the back of everything and pulled out a key from inside it amongst other things that Magnus couldn’t quite make out.

 

She walked over to her bedside table and bent down on one knee, putting the key through a keyhole on the first drawer and twisted it in a lot of different directions before it popped open with a _click._ She budged things out of the way before grabbing something out of the bottom of the draw. A pad filled with a lot of post it notes sticking out and loose pieces of paper hanging out.

 

Camille walked back over to Magnus, slipping onto the bed and sitting in front of him before placing the pad down softly, and with care, in the clear space ahead of him. She took a deep breath, catching his eyes quickly before avoiding it. Very unexpected and _very_ unlike the Camille he used to know who wasn’t afraid of anything. “I…”

 

“You don’t need to explain anything if you don’t want to, Camille,” Magnus interrupted. “You may have known this could or was bound to happen and would’ve just watched by the sidelines, or you could’ve been the mastermind of it all, I don’t care,” He caught her eye again. “You weren't the one who raped me.”

 

For some reason, she looked shocked by it and hurt, but Magnus paid no mind to it and averted his attention back to the book sitting in front of his that held all the secrets, all the plans, everything.

 

When his hand grabbed the first page, Camille's hand flew on top of his, stopping him. He looked up at her, finding her with tears glistening in her eyes. “Before you read any of this, I wanted you to know I was the mastermind,” she explained. “I did plan most of this. But, some pages in here weren’t what I wanted to happen or would’ve participated in either way. They’re Jonathan, and they’re horrible and I would never of put you through that kind of pain, okay?” Her hand slipped away from his.

 

He gave her a small, genuine smile. “I forgive you.”

 

Although he may not look it, inside, he was freaking out. What was he going to find in here? What was going to happen? What were they planning?

 

Magnus glanced at the post it notes hanging on the edge, looking at all of them and the words written on it, going from the first page to the last.

 

_“Magnus Info”_

 

_“Names”_

 

_“Info of names”_

 

_“Alec Info”_

 

_“Plans/Ideas”_

 

Magnus, honestly, skipped the first 4- although he very much wanted to know and see what they written in “Alec Info”- and opened the page of “Plans/Ideas.” Once he opened the page, he immediately knew which handwriting was which. The neat, curly, and elegant one was Camille, whereas the two scruffy, not cared about, ugly handwriting was Jonathan and Sebastian.

 

He swallowed thickly, reading down the list.

 

 _-Try and convince the numerous people going in court to lie about what they witnessed/heard (of)_.

 

A little arrow was added onto it, and Magnus knew that was Jonathan by the handwriting and carelessness.

 

**_(Give them money to lie)_ **

 

_-Manipulate them._

 

_-Bond with them until they do what you say_

 

And Magnus’ eyes went wide at the last one in scruffy handwriting.

 

**_-Kill Magnus_ **

 

“You- They were planning to _kill_ me?” Magnus whispered. Camille looked up from the book and swallowed thickly, nodding. “What, and they thought they could get away with that?”

 

“Jonathan gets whatever he wants whenever he wants. Trust me on that, Magnus. I’ve been there, literally standing right next to him, while he begged his father for money or things that not even a person with a normal wage could get when they were retired,” Camille said, and Magnus gaped slightly. “He could’ve paid the police enough money to just convince everybody it was a suicide, even though there was probably going to be physical evidence that you were murdered.”

 

Magnus was horrified. Completely and utterly horrified. “Has… he ever murdered anybody before?”

 

Camille shrugged. “Probably, but not that I know of.”

 

He nodded, and returned back to the book. He flipped a couple pages back and landed on Alec’s page. He was shocked to find a picture of him there, but in another perspective, he wasn’t.

 

**_Alexander Lightwood_ **

 

_-Related to Isabelle and Max Lightwood._

 

_-Eldest sibling. 18 years old. Isabelle is 17 and Max is 13._

 

_-Parents are Maryse and Robert Lightwood who run a business of some sort._

 

_-In a friendship circle with Simon Lewis, Clary Fray, Isabelle Lightwood, Jace Wayland, and Magnus Bane._

 

_-In love with Magnus Bane. Possibly in a relationship with Magnus._

 

_-Gay and out._

 

_-No relationships that we know of._

 

_-No job._

 

**_Personality_ **

 

_-Protective_

_-Judgemental_

_-Rude_

_-But nice_

_-Caring_

_-Loving_

_-Glares a lot_

_-Loves to roll his eyes_

 

**_Relationships_ **

 

_-Jace Wayland (didn’t love him back)_

 

_-Magnus Bane_

 

“Camille…I need to ask you something.”

 

“Yes.”

 

Magnus furrowed his eyebrows. “You don’t even know what I’m about to-“

 

“Yes, I’ll speak in court,” Magnus gaped, looking at her shocked. “I’ve been waiting since you started reading it to ask me. _Yes_ , gosh, of course. I hate him, ducking _hate_ him. I want him in jail, or dead.”

 

Before Magnus could possibly say anything, somebody that Magnus didn’t recognise burst through the door, panting, sweating, and a terrified look on his face. “Camille, we have to get out of here,” he panted. Magnus didn’t even think the man saw him.

 

Camille jumped up nonetheless, fear obvious on her face. “Why? What’s happening, John?”

 

“Jonathan’s knows where you- _we_ are. Jonathan’s coming.”

 

Magnus watched as Camille physically jumped, getting on her knees and quickly pulling a bag out from underneath it and putting it over her shoulders. “Get the car started. The big one. _Now.”_

 

“What’s happening?” Magnus asked as he got up from the bed, watching Camille intently as she grabbed another bag, smaller, and shoved certain things in them. “Camille, _what’s happening?_ ”

 

“Jonathan has somehow seemed to find us,” Camille said, panting as she ran around her room. “I don’t know if you’ve been on your phone since you’ve been here, but there has been news leaked that I picked you up off the street and brought you home, so he knows we’re together,” she paused near the door once she picked everything up that she needed. “And if he finds you here, he’s going to kill you.”

 

That was all the encouragement Magnus needed to get moving. He quickly grabbed his phone from the bedside table Camille put it on and the book, following her down the stairs and out the door.

 

He jumped into the backseat of the car while Camille quickly loaded the trunk. It took less than 10 seconds, and she jumped into the front seat. “ _Drive_!”

 

The man, John, stepped on the peddle and speeded. Magnus’ eyes went wide at the speed he was going and gripped onto the side of the car, trying to calm himself down. He distantly saw Camille look over her shoulder a couple times, before it landed on Magnus. “Magnus, I know you’re scared right now, but you need to pull yourself together. We’re not going to crash and I’m not going to let you get killed, okay?” He tried to nod, but he found himself unable to. “We’re going to escape from Jonathan, get to Johns secret hideout, wait until are 4am and start driving back to our city, then I’m going on court and Jonathan isn’t going to know a thing.”

 

“What if we done make it out of here alive?” Magnus whispered, moving his wide eyes to Camille. “I need to make it out alive. I need to see Alec.”

 

Her face softened, and she gave him a smile. “Don’t worry, Magnus. You will.”

 

“Let’s hope so.”

 

For awhile, they were just driving on the streets and John had lowered the speed, going the actual amount he’s supposed to. Camille, John, and Magnus had spoke, and Magnus found himself quite liking their company, despite the situation they were in.

 

They had eventually gotten onto the topic of the court and Camille speaking. “Take a photo of every page in that book,” Camille had said. “We have to make sure we have it. Jonathan, or one of his lunatic friends, come come in the night and take it. We need all the proof we can get.”

 

Magnus had found himself actually sympathise Camille as she told the two boys about her and Jonathan’s relationship in some detail. It appears that Jonathan was abuse, physically and mentally, and had threatened to kill her multiple times.

 

The worst part of it all was that she seemed to believe that she deserved everything she was getting.

 

They had soon fallen into silence, but it wasn’t long until Camille had spotted Jonathan driving towards them full speed. John drove faster, swerving in all lanes.

 

“When will this guy fuck off?” Camille muttered to herself, her eyes staying on Jonathan’s cat, following every movement of theirs.

 

John saw the traffic ahead of them and sighed angrily and partly in fear. They pulled up, their car coming to a stop in between two others and Camille watched as Jonathan’s came to a halt a couple lanes away and further back.

 

Magnus’ head dropped onto the back of the seat as he panted, and there was absolute silence. He looked at the time; 1:58 pm.

 

He whipped out his phone, tapping on Alec’s contact immediately and writing out a message.

 

 **Magnus:** _I’m ok right now just in a_

 

Magnus stopped typing as a gunshot was heard, and the window closest to him shattered, sending glass shards everywhere. He screamed, ducking down and putting his hands over his head.

 

He heard Camille and John talking rapidly, distantly saying “- _Magnus out of here.”_ But the question was too hard to answer, so nobody did. There was no getting out of this alive. If it wasn’t Magnus, it was Camille or John.

 

Somebody was going to die, and it was going to be all Magnus’ fault.

 

**“Life is full of unwanted and unexpected events.**

 

**I just wish they hadn’t been gifted to me.”**

 

<>*<>*<>

 

**_November 6th, 2pm._ **

 

“Ragnor Fell, to the stand please,” the Judge said, standing ahead of him. Ragnor emerged from somewhere- Alec wasn’t paying attention, and neither was Isabelle- and sat down on the black seat. “You may begin.”

 

Imasu stood up, giving a tight smile to the judge before looking over at Ragnor. “Ragnor, you are a friend of Magnus’, correct?”

 

“Was a friend,” he replied.

 

“Okay, _was,”_ he walked closer towards him. “Tell me, what was your friendship like? Was Magnus a good friend to you? What happened to make you two fall out?”

 

“Well, Magnus was a terrible friend for your first question,” Ragnor started. “He was never really a nice fella. Very judgemental and rude,” Alec wanted to scream at the top of his lungs because he was lying. Ragnor was talking about himself. Not Magnus. “Constantly he would make me feel bad about myself and insecure, telling me I’m too fat and too ugly. He wasn’t, and probably still is, not nice at all. And for the second question, well, he shouted at Catarina because she didn’t tell Magnus Camille and Jonathan got together, and I just simply couldn’t accept that selfishness, so I called the friendship off.”

 

“And what were your reactions to these comments Magnus made, and the reactions Magnus made of your reaction?”

 

Ragnor sighed, shaking his head and shrugging. “It’s different a lot of the time. Every time I laughed because I assumed it was a joke, and sometimes he would laugh along, but other times his face was completely serious. Just different reactions on different days.”

 

Imasu had a sort of smile on his face, yet it looked like he was completely disinterest. Almost like he had heard it before. “And, was he ever nice to you? Did he comfort you when you were down like you did with him?”

 

 _Like you did with him_. Ragnor hadn’t said anything about comforting Magnus ahem he was down.

 

Alec leaned forward towards Raj, who was sat in front of him in a similar chair to what they sat in on the stand. “He said ‘like you did with him’ by Ragnor never said anything about comforting Magnus.”

 

Raj didn’t answer, but that’s because he knew he basically couldn’t.

 

Ragnor noticed Alec lean over and swallowed thickly, a drip of sweat falling from the side of his face. “I-I, uh, no. Magnus didn’t.”

 

“No more further questions, your honour.”

 

Immediately, Raj stood up with a smile that knew he could convince the Judges if he said the right thing. “Nervous?” He asked.

 

“Just a little.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Just… don't want to see the liar win and the victim loose.”

 

“And who do you think is the victim?”

 

Surprisingly, Ragnor didn’t answer quickly. He took his time, really thinking about the answer, but Alec and Isabelle both knew what he was going to say. And he said exactly that. “Jonathan.”

 

Raj ignored the answer. “You said that Magnus calls you fat and ugly, correct?” Ragnor nodded. “But Magnus is anorexic and puts on piles of makeup. Does that maybe imply that you are lying and, in fact, _you_ are the one calling him those names?”

 

“No,” Ragnor immediately said. “Just because you go anorexic and wear makeup doesn’t mean somebody was calling you that.”

 

“But you told us that you were hurt by it, yet you only eat the same amount, maybe even more, and make no effort to change your appearance.”

 

“Are you trying to imply that you want me to change?” Ragnor asked, but he was only trying to get the attention off the fact that he lied. That much was obvious.

 

“No,” Raj said. “I’m simply telling you that you wouldn’t be hurt by it and not change a thing. You lied, didn’t you?”

 

Ragnor was silent.

 

“No further questions asked, your honour.”

 

**“I don’t like depending on people because people leave all the time.**

**Because at the end of the day, all you have is yourself, and that has to be** **_enough_ ** **.”**

 

**-A.M**

 

**< >*<>*<>**

 

**November 5th, Camille, Magnus, and John.**

 

“There’s no escaping this,” Magnus muttered to them, hands still holding over his head, which was positioned so that the door was blocking it. “One of us is going to die, and I can’t have any of die because of me.”

 

“I told you this once and I’m telling you again,” Camille started, looking back at him. “I’m not going to let you die.”

 

The determination in her voice startled Magnus slightly.

 

“You have to, Camille,” Magnus whispered. “Please, just let me do this. Let me save you and John,” Camille really looked like she considered it for a moment before she shook her head with a small smile. She ducked down, rummaging through the bag on the floor before coming back up, a gun in her hand.

 

“He’s playing with fire here, Magnus,” Camille said, setting the gun on the edge of her seat and peeking through it, one eye closed as she used her scope to see him better. “I’m not letting him go without a fight,” and she shot her gun.

 

Magnus peaked his head up, hearing glass shatter and smiled slightly, but ducked down again nonetheless. “This was a bad idea, shooting back. It will only make them more angry,” Magnus said.

 

“Don’t worry, Magnus,” John said this time. “He’ll back down soon enough. He doesn’t know who he’s messing with.”

 

Suddenly, the car ahead of them was moving fast, and John pressed on the peddle, making them speed off once again. Camille still had her gun in her hand, shooting off regularly but mostly missing. After all, it was hard to hit a moving car with a gun while you’re in a moving car.

 

“Magnus, move over to the seat behind me,” Magnus didn’t move. “ _Now_. You know, unless you possibly want a bullet through your head,” he may have wanted, and attempted, that before, but he certainly didn’t want that now. Magnus unbuckled his seat belt, moving over to the seat behind her and buckling up as quick as he had unbuckled.

 

Shots ran after shots, and the cars were still moving fast.

 

Suddenly, Camille unbuckled her belt and jumped to the back seat, bringing her bag with her. Now, Jonathan’s car was behind them, and Camille passed the gun over to Magnus. “You don’t have to shoot if you don’t want to, but if you do, try not to break my windows. This can was expensive.”

 

Camille pulled out a match and a bucket off gasoline all while Magnus stared at the gun in his shaky hands with eyes wider than saucers. “John, when I saw turn, do it quickly.”

 

Her hand flew out of the car as she quickly flooded the road with gasoline. “Turn!” She yelled, and Magnus had to hold on to the door to make sure he didn’t fall out.

 

Magnus couldn’t really process the rest, but what he did was the sound of a lighter being lit and thrown onto the ground, creating a line of burning hot, orange fire. He was glad, though, when he looked behind the car and saw none following them, and none injured.  

 

“Yes! Haha!” Camille yelled happily. “See. I told you, he doesn’t know who he’s messing with! I’m Camille _fucking_ Belcourt.”

 

“Hell yeah, you are,” John replied, laughing slightly.

 

The rest of the ar journey was only Camille and John talking as Magnus was _still_ in shock by everything that happened, and he didn’t even realise when they pulled over to a house that looked like a mansion.

 

“Oh my god,” Magnus muttered when he walked out, looking at the building in front of him. “You have a fucking mansion?”

 

John chuckled. “This isn’t a mansion, my friend.”

 

“Certainly looks like it,” he replied. Magnus follower Camille and John into the house, and they even gave him his very own room to sleep in, even though he couldn’t really use the majority of things as he had nothing with him except his dead phone and the book of plans.

 

He sat on the comfortably but plain bed in his new room and placed me book in front of him. He looked at the tags again, but this time, decided to start from the front page.

 

**_Magnus Bane Info:_ **

 

_-is Indonesian and lived there since the age of 5._

 

_-Abusive father (and mother?) by the the age of 7 due to drinking too much._

 

_-Him and his mother moved away from his real father and lived alone with his mother until the age of 17 when she killed herself._

 

_-His mother killed herself for an unknown reason. Depression?_

 

_-Abusive step father came to live with him and looked after him._

 

_-Raped by Jonathan Morgenstern._

 

_-Best friends and in love with Alexander Lightwood._

 

_-Friends with Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood, Simon Lewis, Clary Fray, Catarina Loss, and Ragnor Fell. (Update, no longer friends with Cat or Ragnor.)_

 

_-Bisexual and out._

 

_-No job._

 

**_Personality:_ **

_-Loving_

_-Caring_

_-Funny_

_-Kind_

_-But rude_

_-Annoying_

_-Clingy_

_-Protective_

_-Selfish_

_-Dumb_

 

**_Relationships:_ **

 

_-Camille Belcourt. Broke up because Camille was abusive and wasn’t in love with Magnus._

 

_-Alexander Lightwood._

 

Magnus turned over a page, shivering slightly. He didn’t know how they had that information about him, but nowadays, everything was easy to access.

 

**_Names:_ **

 

_-Tessa Gray_

_-Isabelle Lightwood_

_-Security / Cameraman_

_-Alexander Lightwood_

_-Maia Roberts_

_-Jonathan Morgenstern_

_-Catarina Loss_

_-Ragnor Fell_

 

He turned another page.

 

**_Info of names:_ **

 

**_Tessa Gray_ **

 

_-Works in Pandemonium as a bartender._

 

_-Friends with Jem who su_

 

_-Friends with Magnus._

 

_-Worked on the night of the raping._

 

_-Used to go to Idris Academy but moved away with Jem because Jonathan bullied the pair._

 

**_Isabelle Lightwood_ **

 

_-Sibling with Alec Lightwood. Parents are Robert and Maryse Lightwood and younger brother is Max Lightwood._

 

_-Currently in a long term relationship with Clary Fray._

 

_-Bisexual._

 

_-Friends with Magnus and in his group circle._

 

_-Goes to Idris Academy._

 

**_Maia Roberts_ **

 

_-Has no siblings._

 

_-Adopted._

 

_-Used to be in a relationship with Jordan._

 

_-Friends with Magnus_

 

_-Does not go to Idris Academy_

 

_-Friends with Jonathan and almost got raped by him at Pandemonium. Friends (was?) with all his group of friends._

 

**_Catarina Loss_ **

 

_-Best Friends with Ragnor Fell (and in love with him?)_

 

_-No known relationships that she’s had._

 

_-She wants her future career in hospital- doctor._

 

_-Used to be friends with Magnus Bane but fell out once she figured out that Camille and Jonathan were together._

 

**_Ragnor Fell_ **

 

_-Best Friends with Catarina Loss (and is in love with her?)_

 

_-Relationship with Camille Belcourt but ended soon after._

 

_-Used to be friends with Magnus Bane_

 

_-Works at the register at an office as a part time job. His father works there also._

 

By the time he had finished reading the first couple pages of information, he was shocked, and only when he looked up did he realise Camille was watching him, her body leaning against the doorframe.

 

Magnus moved his head in a shaking form in confusion. “How do you know all of this? How did you get all this information?”

 

Camille walked forward slowly like she was getting ready to pounce at her prey silently. “We- _I_ just done everything I could to get the information I needed to break you. I asked people, sometimes I even went near you to hear some of the things you said,” Magnus looked horrified, but she dismissed it. “When I found out that Camille and Ragnor weren’t your friends anymore, me and Jonathan took our chance and asked them all about your dirty secrets,” Camille shrugged with sympathetic eyes and a weak body. “They were horrible enough to tell us for a way of revenge.”

 

Magnus bit his lip. “Do you ever regret doing it?” He whispered. He hoped the answer would be what he expected. “Do you ever regret doing that to me?”

 

“Of course, I do,” Camille said immediately. She looked up at Magnus, momentarily shocked, before it subsided and she smiled at him, a sweet one. “I hated you then for a reason that isn’t justified- a reason that I don’t even have. I was selfish, and rude, and horrid. I don’t even know if I was doing it for no reason at all or Jonathan’s bidding,” her smile fell. “I hate myself for it, though.I would do anything in the world to make it right. _Anything_.”

 

“I have already forgiven you,” Magnus replied. “But, if you really want to make all my friends forgive you, you’ll probably have to die for me,” he joked. Camille, though, apparently took it seriously.

 

“Okay,” she smiled one of her bright ones. One that rarely shows. “Deal. Yes- _completely_ a deal.”

 

“Camille, I was-“

 

“I’m going to get some food,” John poked his head in the door and said. He gave them both a warming smile. “Is there anything you guys want? Certain drinks or food? Magnus, are you allergic to anything?”

 

“No,” he replied. “And no thank you. I don’t really… _eat.”_

 

Camille and John stared at him for some time before John gave them a smile and walked away. Somehow, Camille knew Magnus, and he knew that she knew he didn’t want to talk about it, so she never brought it up.

 

She sighed. “You know, when I found out that Johnathan cheated on me with Sebastian and was only using me for revenge, I felt completely useless.  I felt… completely worthless of anything and everything,” then, she took her eyes away from him- something that she has never done before. “I was planning grab my gun and put a bullet through my head,” Magnus gaped. “And I found you, on the sidewalk begging for help… and I realised I do have something to live for,” she looked back up at him. “I have to help you win and beat Johnathan. I have to help _you_.”

 

Magnus was left shocked, tears in his eyes threatening to fall and his hands trembling slightly. “And I don’t want you to pity me, because I deserve it. I deserve to be dead with a bullet through me and-

 

“ _No,_ Camille. You don’t,” he whispered but his voice was firm. “Nobody deserves that to happen to them. Not me,” _lie._ “Not you,Jonathan,yes, but nobody else. Especially _you._ You may not have a perfect past, but I don’t either. It’s okay.”

 

She smiled a smile that Magnus hadn’t recognised either. By this point, though, Magnus wasn’t shocked. He had seen, and heard, a lot that he never saw from her before. Camille was just a very unpredictable person but, in a way, he liked that. In another, he didn’t. “Sure, whatever you want to believe,” she jumped off his bed. “Now, get to sleep. Chances are you’ll have to wake up bright and early tomorrow.”

 

Camille walked over to the door, gave him one last smile, and shut off the light, followed by the door, and he was left in the darkness of the night with the only dim light being from the moon.

 

**“We can do it together.”**

 

**“I’m kind of over this whole togetherness thing.”**

 

 **-** **_Isabelle and Clary. s2_ **

 

**< >*<>*<>**

 

**_November 2nd, 2:30pm._ **

 

“Catarina Loss. You were a friend of Magnus, like Ragnor, correct?” Imasu asked which she gave a sharp nod too, back straight and hands trembling slightly on the desk in front of her. “Was Magnus a loyal friend to you?”

 

She looked like she debated the answer at first, two different parts of her mind trying to take over the over to tell the truth or to lie, and unfortunately, the lie won. Slightly. “N-no,” she said through gritted teeth. “No.”

 

Imasu, fortunately, looked suspicious and slightly mad but continued anyway. “And how wasn't he a loyal friend? What did he do?”

 

“He only cared about himself when in times of need. For example, when him and Camille broke up he just used me until he felt better and then left me. He never listened to me when I was struggling and needed someone, and… I couldn't deal with somebody like that. He had changed, as well,” she added. “He was never like it before. I think that maybe Camille broke him or something.”

 

Catarina looked completely calm and normal before her eyes went impossibly wide when she recalled what she just said. “I… I mean-”

 

“Mr. Morals,” the Judge interrupted. “Please stand down,” Imasu gaped but done as he was told, and Raj, knowing what this meant, stood up immediately and went over to Cat, whom was looking down at her hands crossed in her lap. “Mr. Malik.”

 

Raj gave him a nod with a small smile. “Catarina, can you tell me what Magnus' personality is really like to you? How he acts around you, and such?”

 

She sighed and gave a glance to Ragnor in the crowd, who looked disappointed and afraid, before looking back at Raj for a couple more moments and nodding. “What I said.. _Was_ true. He does only care about himself when he's in a problem, but, sometimes, he's doesn't pay attention to himself at all. Like, for example, when none of this drama was going on, I usually was the one who had all the problems. My parents divorce, one of my grandparents deaths, a best friends suicide, and so much more. And, his dad had been contacting him and saying a bunch of stuff like threats and all, and not once did he ever care about himself in that moment. All he cared about was making me feel better and making a smile rise on his face.

 

“He was never a bad person. He has said some pretty rude things about people, but we all have. I, for an example, told Jonathan Magnus' past that he trusted me with so that I could get revenge because I thought, maybe if he gets hurt, my pain will hurt a little less. But it didn't. It hurt even more just seeing him so broken and scared and… _naked_ in front of the whole school,” Catarina was never the one to cry, but now, just like pretty much everybody else had, she was crying too. “I hate myself for what I done to Magnus, and, I know he's not here today for some reason, but, I'm so sorry. I really am.”

 

Raj gave her a smile. “Is there anything else you'd like to tell us about Magnus? About the whole lying ordeal that could've possibly been set up by Jonathan?”

 

Catarina froze. Her eyes were trained on Ragnor, wide and afraid, and by this point, Ragnor knew what was going to happen. The whole courtroom had fallen into silence, nobody speaking a word and no sound at all. When Raj began walking away and opened his mouth to say his last words on the court, she stood up. “Sebastian is going out with Imasu and that's why he took the case because Jonathan paid him £500 if he'd win and if he didn't take it he'd kill him!”

 

And then, in that moment, Ragnor turned around and saw the figures of Alec and Isabelle walk out of the courtroom, the door slamming shut behind them.

 

**“Sometimes all you can do is lie in bed and pray you fall asleep before you fall apart.”**

 

**< >*<>*<>**

 

**_November 6th, 3:16pm._ **

 

Magnus was casually reading through the book again, his eyes trying to take in every word that he could remember, when Camille barged through the door, bag in her shoulder and a feared look on her face. She didn’t even need to say anything as Magnus read her face perfectly, and he jumped up. He grabbed the book and his shoes, before following her out of the door.

 

He has to admit, this was all crazy, but running around and driving fast in the car was actually kind of entertaining- aside from the fact that one of them could possibly die. Magnus would prefer not to think of that.

 

“Jonathan found us?” Magnus asked as he jumped into the back seat and put his seat belt on just as the car started running. He slipped her shoes on quickly with his one hand, while the other lay clinging onto the door handle. “How? What does he even want?”

 

“He wants you,” she said, rummaging through her bag. “Not only does he want you, he wants that book. And when I tell you that you have to keep that 100% safe, I mean it,” she looked back at him with her gun in her hand. “No matter what.”

 

She jumped back into the seat beside him before he could really say anything to her and began shooting Jonathan as best as she could. Magnus risked poking his head out of the window and saw the Jonathan driving look directly into his eye, smirk, then speed up a little.

 

“Hold on tight,” John said and Magnus closed his eyes and gritted his teeth as the car went twice as fast. How they had that much gas, he didn’t know. “How far away are they?”

 

“Not far,” she replied. She took away her gun, putting more amo into it. He moved his head to the left slightly to see the road ahead of him when he felt a pain on top of his ear, and glass shattering all around them. “Magnus!”

 

He ducked down in reflex, hands going on top of his head and eyes stinging with tears he tried holding back. This really wasn’t a sick game they could’ve been playing. This was real life. A life where Jonathan wanted to _shoot_ him. “I’m okay- I.. I’m fine.”

 

She looked over him as he raised his head to look at her, before she growled and set up her gun again, shooting out from the back window this time.

 

The time was passing by, and Magnus could tell the car was beginning to get slow. He hadn’t gotten hurt anymore, but he could tell that if he moved from where he was now, he would probably be shot in the back of his head as quick as daylights.

 

Suddenly, car tires made a screeching sound and it sounded very close towards Magnus’ side of the car. He felt his seatbelt being undone, hands around his waist, a gunshot, a scream, and felt himself being pushed into the floor with a body on top.

 

For a moment, just a moment, he thought he had been shot. There was a slight ringing in his ears, but distantly he heard cheers from the other car. But as his eyes were clenched shut, he felt no pain at all, only a liquid sinking through his shirt and onto his stomach.

 

He peeked an eye open, looking all around, before they landed on Camille's lying form on himself.

 

“ _No!”_ Magnus yelled, pushing the pair of them up and lying her on the seat. Luckily, Jonathan and his friends were long gone by now. “Camille, oh god, _no! No! No!”_ His hands searched around for the wound, and he cried out in pain and sadness as he felt it, her blood coming out quick. He ran his free hand through her hair, stroking it back as his tears landed on her face. “ _Camille..”_ his voice cracked.

 

“It’s okay,” she managed to croak back. Magnus raised his head from where he planted it on her shoulder and instead, his hands fell down from her hair and landed onto her neck, right on her pulse point. It was weak. “Live a good life without me. A-and d-don’t let J-Jonathan win, okay?”

 

“No, Camille, _no,”_ he whispered. “You’re not going to die. You’re going to be fine. P-please just stay awake. _Please!”_ The car was slowing down immensely, and he distantly heard John in the front seat screaming at people and beeping the horn frantically. “Stay with me-“

 

She gave one last weak smile, before her hand fell limp, her eyes closed shut, and her pulse had disappeared.

 

“ _Camille_ !” He sobbed. “ _No! Please, no!_ It was supposed to be me! It was supposed to be me!” He let his head fall down onto her stomach, feeling her blood rub over his face, but he didn’t care. Nothing even mattered anymore.

 

Camille was dead, and it was all his fault.

 

The car came to a halt quickly, and he heard screams and doors being opened, before hands wrapped around his waist and pulled him out. “ _No!_ Let me go! P-please!” A crowd gathered around, and he saw a familiar face pushing through the big crowd, but ignored it. He saw Camille being pulled out gently but quick and placed onto a bed. “ _No!_ No! Let me go! _Let me go!”_

 

John walked behind the rushing doctors, tears streaming down his face, and pulled his arms, but the people wouldn’t budge. They put him into the floor, and he felt hands going all over him.

 

“Sir- sir, are you hurt?” Someone asked. He cried, kicking at them and screaming ‘get off me’ but they wouldn’t stop. It was like he was reliving Jonathan. “Sir, can you hear me? Are you alright?”

 

“Get off me, Jonathan!” He yelled. “Get off! Get off!”

 

“Hey, hey, we aren’t Jonathan, we’re doctors, okay? We’re going to make sure you’re okay,” the voice was soothing once Magnus fully listened, and he felt himself calming down a little. “Are you hurt, sir?”

 

“No,” he whispered. “C-Camille…”

 

“We’re getting her checked out right away, okay? She’s going to be safe- she’s in good hands,” the doctor said. Magnus nodded, him trembling as he felt himself getting pulled to his feet. “Is this yours?”

 

The doctor held out a book, and Magnus’ eyes widened, grabbing it fast and looking down at it.

 

“ _Protect it no matter what.”_

 

“Magnus!” Someone familiar yelled. He looked up, eyes searching the voice, and saw someone running towards him. Black hair, hazel eyes, slim, tall….

 

_Alexander._

 

He gasped, pushing past doctors and running towards Alec and jumped up when he was close enough. He felt his long arms wrap around him protectively, holding him up. Magnus pulled his head back from his shoulder, looked all across Alec’s face with blurry, glassy eyes before smashing their lips together.

 

It was a short kiss, but it meant everything to Magnus.

 

He was lowered down, their lips still connected, before Magnus pulled back suddenly with heavy breathing. Alec too was breathing heavily, but Magnus was different. Something was wrong. “Magnus?”

 

Magnus slipped out of his grip as he collapsed to the ground, with the doctors running towards him, a cry of his name, and the book rolling out of his hands.

 

**“Whenever we say we’re depressed, we mean it. It is not attention seeking. It is a cry for help that took all of our courage to do.**

**So please, don’t brush it off. Help us. Help me.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya! long time no see...
> 
> i haven't proof read this at all or even done corrections as its 1:40am and i have to get up at 8am to get my blocks on for my braces and i am completely stressing out about finding out which classes i will be in for y9 tomorrow but i will read it as soon as i get back and stop stressing.!
> 
> sorry for my very poor writing and schedule for posting new chapters. i cant promise that the next one will be out in a week or two, but i sure hope that i can get these out sooner! 
> 
> have a lovely day, people. i love u.


	25. Chapter Twenty-Four- Phallophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger Warnings*  
> • Rape

**Phallophobia;** _the fear of being erect._

 

**“Similar to murder, rape is a reprehensible act that leaves the body defiled. But rape victims are not like murder victims; they live and relive the event.**

 

**Worst yet, they can never leave the scene of the crime.”**

 

**< >*<>*<>**

 

**November 11th, 10:34pm.**

 

Today was the day. The day that told the world if all the pain, the fighting, the sacrifices, and everything in between was worth the time from Raj, from Magnus, and from the people who willingly pleaded against Jonathan for him to get the punishment that he very well deserves.

 

Today was _the_ day _._

 

After the incident outside of the hospital and the traumatising events that Magnus had been through, court was set back 2 days in order for Magnus to be recovered and stable enough to protest against Jonathan..

 

In reality, he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t stable or in the right state of mind yet, but 2 days was the longest time away the court would give him, and Magnus would never throw away this chance to shed some pure truth to the brain washed world who was conceived and fed on Jonathan’s complete and utter bullshit.

 

There’s was two ways this court could go. One would be they win. The jury’s make their decision and are smart enough to believe the truth with the evidence that is through the roof, and Jonathan would finally, once and for all, get thrown into a jail cell where he belongs.

 

But, they could also lose.

 

Jonathan would rome the halls as he did, picking out the most fragile and vulnerable of them all, with them not knowing he was a murderer and a rapist while the school look down in disgust on Magnus for framing Jonathan with false accusations that could’ve absolutely ruined his future.

 

If only Camille was here. Then the world would know the truth. They’d believe her, because she’s a person well known for being ‘truthful,’ and even though she wasn’t the majority of the time, this is one thing that Magnus knows for certain would be pure honesty.

 

But, Jonathan .

 

The rich, spoilt, entitled, asshole. If committing murder  wasn’t against the law, Jonathan would’ve been gone long before this court would’ve happened. A lot of people, including Magnus himself, would’ve shed Jonathan to pieces with a smile on his face, despite the fact that he despised violence and anybody who willingly put themselves forward to be apart of something like that.

 

The countless amount of crimes Jonathan has been in and the amount of violence he has participated in makes Magnus shiver to the core. How disgusting can one be to be so completely _wrecked_ to not see or care on the impact it’s having on his reputation and the way outsiders see him?

 

Anybody with an outsiders point of view, somebody who isn’t brainwashed by the blonde boy, could see it. They could all see Jonathan perishing away a little after each fight or each crime.

 

But why, we all think? Why? He had the life anybody would dream for.

 

His father is the principle of the school, which means he has easy access to his reports and could easily twist the truth and make himself look presentable and a good person. He was rich, had a voice, was extremely popular and known within the city, all the girls were chasing after him and anybody or anything he wanted, he got. He had _the_ life. Yet he was throwing it all away.

 

Why?

 

Only Jonathan could answer that himself, but Magnus guesses that he’s just a spoilt, selfish person, who looks down on everything he had and up at the things he wants, and tries his hardest to make people guilty when he isn’t getting what he wants.

 

Unfortunately, that’s how the world works.

 

Well, that’s how Jonathan works.

 

When Magnus looks back on everything that happened, at all the incidents and people who have affected him, he begins to realise that it started with Jonathan.

 

The bullying, the insecurity, the intense feeling of unsafety, the lack of confidence, the self harm and suicidal thoughts…

 

It all began with Jonathan _._

 

Now, Magnus finally understands how everything happened. How his life had turned to shit because of one wrecked teenage boy.

 

He ruined his life, and possibly even his future.

 

And now, he decided, that nobody would hurt him again.

  


**_“Life is always worth living. No matter the situation, no matter the problems, no matter the confusion and hatred towards themselves. Everybody deserves to be here. They’re a creation of God, and that’s the greatest gift of all.”_ **

  


Magnus sat down on one of the benches outside of court, watching people with emotionless eyes as they piled in one by one, making their way over to their designated seats. He saw their body language and the way they moved freely into the courtroom, with Jonathan in the front row seats of the right side.

 

He couldn't see him from his seat, but even being benches and walls apart, he still felt nerved as though something could happen. There was always a possibility with him, and the fact that he was frightened shows a lot about what Jonathan had done to him.

 

He rubbed his index finger and thumb together, taking in deep breaths as he now moved his eyes down to the floor to pay close attention to his breathing.

 

He could go this. He had to do this.

 

For himself, for Maia, for Camille, for Isabelle, and for anybody else who was quiet when they had gone through this.

 

“Magnus,” Alec said, coming to sit down beside Magnus on the bench. He made sure to keep his space, which was a delicate gesture, but at the moment, despite wanting to be as far away from everybody as possible, he craved to be hugged by a familiar person- his special person.. “How are you holding up?” Alec asked, looking at Magnus’ pale face. “Are you sure you’re ready to face the crowd in there?”

 

 _No_ , he wanted to say.

 

“A little,” he responded. It was as good as Alec was going to get. And anyways, it wasn’t far from the truth. “I would’ve felt better with a little more time but after this court is finally done and over with, I’ll be able to heal and… and to become myself again.

 

Alec smiled. “You will, and I’ll be just a phone call away.”

 

Magnus turned to face him and his lips turned up.. He observed Alec’s face as he smiled- the way how little lines appear at the sides of his eyes and his small dimples. “I know you will,” he whispered.

 

The line for the courtroom died down, and Magnus pushed himself off the bench and straightened out his clothes, preparing himself for the questions from Imasu and Raj, and the dirty glares from the people supporting Jonathan.

 

Once his clothes were straightened out and his breathing calmed down, he walked inside and took a seat, Alec following behind.

Once they were both sat down, Alec lightly put a hand on Magnus’ leg to comfort him. Magnus gave him a small, soft smile. “I’ll always be here for you, ok?” Alec whispered. “If you’re struggling, if you need something to look at, if you feel like you’re going to cry, look at me. I’ll try my best to try and calm you down from where I’m sat.”

 

Magnus’ heart jumped, and he nodded.

 

The court was a blur as the only thing he could concentrate on was the hand on his leg and the beating of his heart as the time got closer and closer for him to be questioned.

 

When his name got called to take his place on the stand, his legs shook when he stood up and his hands turning into balls with his nails digging in his palms.

 

He saw Jonathan, Sebastian, and Imasu all sitting together, watching him intently as he took his place in the chair, and manoeuvred the mic to his mouth.

 

Imasu wasted no time in jumping up, beginning to answer the questions being asked.

 

“Magnus Bane,” Imasu began, hands behind his back. Magnus saw Jonathan and Sebastian smiling in the corner of his eye, and tried to get that image away, but he knew it was a form of distraction, because they knew they were going to lose. _Ha. Fuckers._

 

**“I just want to sleep. A coma would be nice. Or amnesia. Anything, just to get rid of this, these thoughts, whispers in my mind. Did he rape my head, too?”**

 

 

  * ****_Laurie Halse Anderson_****



 

 

“Iz!” Clary yelled from behind her. Isabelle turned around and smiled as she saw Clary running towards her with a bright smile on her face. “Where are you off too?”

 

“Oh, you know,” Isabelle shrugged. “I was just taking a walk- just to reflect about everything, and take the time to really… to really process everything that’s happened recently.”

 

Clary nodded, her orange curls bouncing up and down slightly. “Need a vent partner?” Isabelle chuckled with a bright smile and nodded.

 

“I’d love one.”

 

She smiled in return, and the pair began walking along side by side with each other. When the two had been walking in silence for around 5 minutes, Clary looked over at Isabelle. “Penny for your thoughts?”

 

Isabelle sighed, brushing her hair back behind her ear. “I just… I know I really shouldn’t be thinking about me right now, with everything that's going on with Magnus, but… I just can’t help but imagine that I could’ve been in the same position as Magnus.”

 

“What do you mean?” Clary questioned.

 

The Lightwood swallowed thickly. “Magnus told me, Luke, and the judges that when he was overhearing the convocation that Jonathan and Sebastian were having about raping Camille, he said that he… he was close to raping _me._ ”

 

Clary stopped dead in her tracks. “What?!”

 

“Don’t worry, I’m fine. They- they haven’t  touched me,” Isabelle quickly added. “It’s just… I can’t help thinking about it. ” she let out a heavy breath. “I could’ve stopped this all from happening.”

 

“Isabelle, there was no way you would’ve known that Jonathan was going to rape Magnus. You, and I, and Alec, Simon, Jace… None of us knew,” Clary tried to persuade.

 

Isabelle nodded. “I know, Clary, I know…but if I had told people about what had happened sooner, Magnus… Magnus wouldn’t be suffering as bad as he is. Maia wouldn’t be. Camille wouldn’t of, and all of the other girls that were victims of this.”

 

Clary sighed and stopped Isabelle from walking by putting both her arms on Isabelle’s. “Isabelle, Magnus said himself that the police are up Jonathan’s ass. They wouldn’t have believed this if you didn’t have proof-“

 

“But I did, Clary…” Isabelle snapped, before looking down guilty. “I did.”

 

Clary furrowed her eyebrows. “What are you saying?”

 

Isabelle looked back up, tears rolling down her face. “I saw Jonathan rape somebody.”

 

_The flashing lights of the club sparkled in my eye, as my arm was around Sebastian’s shoulders to my right, and with Jace sat on my right. The night we were having… it was a blast. The night, the music, the dances, the people… everything._

 

_“I’m going to get more drinks, fellas,” Isabelle giggled. “Would any of you boys like a refill?”_

 

_Sebastian and Jace both declined, saying they were the Uber of tonight’s people, and Isabelle shrugged saying “your loss” before staggering over to the bar, drunk, in her 6 inch heels._

 

_The bartender came over almost immediately._

 

_“Vodka please, sir,” Isabelle smiled, giving a small wink on the end of it and giggling. The bartender laughed, before turning around to make her drink. Isabelle, being uninterested, scanned her eyes across the room._

 

_As the bartender began filling up her drink, Isabelle saw something… odd._

 

_Jonathan was in the corner of the room with a girl, somebody that she couldn’t recognise, and she watched as Jonathan kissed up her neck and grabbed her leg roughly, attaching it to his hip._

 

_When Isabelle looked back up to the woman’s face, she realised how she looked… drugged. Like she couldn’t move. Her eyes were open, and her mouth wasn’t moving. She looked.. paralysed._

 

_“Here’s your drink, ma’am,” the bartender said. Isabelle tore her eyes away and gave a small smile to the man. She wasn’t in the mood to flirt any longer. When the bartender walked away, she moved her eyes back to Jonathan and the woman, but neither of them were to be seen._

 

Clary’s eyes were wide, her mouth agape. “Isabelle…”

 

“I know,” Isabelle cried. “I’m a terrible person. But- I was drunk. I didn’t know that what I was seeing was my imagination or real life, so I didn’t say anything to anybody,” she watched as Clary sat down on the nearby bench and put her head in her hands. Isabelle wiped the tear from her cheek. “You hate me now, don’t you?”

 

Clary looked up. “I don’t hate you, Isabelle. I couldn’t ever hate you, it’s just… why didn’t you tell anybody?”

 

“For the exact reasoning of why Magnus didn’t want to…” She whispered, and Clary looked into her tears eyes. “Because nobody would’ve believed me.”

 

**“Most men have a fear of getting laughed at or humiliated by a romantic prospect whereas most women fear of rape and death.”**

 

 

  * ****Gavin De Becker****



 

 

“Magnus Bane,” Imasu started. “What day did you say that Jonathan Morgenstern raped you?”

 

“6th of October, sir,” Magnus replied smoothly.

 

 **“** And what were you doing earlier on in that day?”

 

Magnus shrugged. “It was a school day, so I was in school, and then I went home before I went back out to go to the club.”

 

“How did you find out Sebastian and Jonathan going to the club that night, or was the two of you being there clearly a coincidence?” Imasu questioned.

 

“No,” Magnus responded. “I was in the bathroom, the end stall, when the two of them came in and said that they were going to a Pandemonium after Jonathan basically- basically _bragged_ about raping women.”

 

Jonathan scoffed in the silence.

 

Magnus watched as Alec’s head whipped around, glaring at Jonathan and then Sebastian, and he turned his head and gave him a smirk. Alec showed his finger with a smile, before turning away from them.

 

“What had Jonathan said to insinuate that he was bragging about raping other women?”

 

“He said that he had sex with Camille in the room even though she didn’t want it, how he was close to raping Isabelle. Sebastian asked him how many he’d raped, and Jonathan said there was too many to count.”

 

“Did it ever occur to you that they may have been playing around? Having a joke?” Imasu asked. Magnus forced out a fake chuckle.

 

“No.”

 

“How come?”

 

“Because he raped me,” Magnus responded bluntly. If he had said this the week after it happened, he would cry while speaking. The words wouldn’t even be able to form and come out of his mouth, but now, after all this fighting for this very moment, the feeling almost felt… natural. A disgusting type of natural. “And rape isn’t something that should be joked about- regardless if you’ve been raped, if you haven’t, or in this case, if you _are_ the rapist.”

 

“You shut your mouth, kid!” Sebastian yelled suddenly from the courtroom benches, standing up. “Jonathan wouldn’t lay a hand on an ugly cunt faggot like you!”

 

Magnus stared at him, jaw tensing, as the security walked over and pulled him out as he was screaming slurs, death threats, and disgusting names at Magnus, while he remained unresponsive.

 

Imasu cleared his throat with a cough, straightening his blazer. “Who was at the club that you knew of the night that you were supposedly raped?”

 

“Tessa, Maia, Sebastian, Jonathan, and when I left Alec, Isabelle, Jace, Clary, and Simon came in.”

 

“So nobody was in the room with you while you were being raped?”

 

Magnus shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his hands starting to sweat more. “Well, no. If they was, they would’ve stopped it-“

 

“So there is no solid proof- a _person_ \- who could solidly say that you were raped?” Imasu questioned. “Anybody besides you and Jonathan himself?”

 

He swallowed thickly. “No, but-“

 

“The only evidence that there is are the security footage from the club, correct?” Imasu asked. Magnus took a deep breath, trying to control his anger. The bastard was asking questions without even letting Magnus answer without being interrupted.

 

“No, that’s not true.”

 

“What other solid evidence is there?”

 

“At school,” Magnus responded. “It was after the rape at the club happened- he took me to the Janitors closet and tried to rape me, but Alec heard me screaming and came to get me. There should be security footage,” _if Jonathan hasn’t already deleted it._

 

“What day did this occur?”

 

Magnus thought. “I… I don’t remember,” A light bulb popped inside his head. “And, when Jonathan had- had finished and we both left the room, Tessa, Maia, and Alec walked in and… and the aftermath.”

 

“The aftermath?” Magnus nodded. ”you’re going to need to be more specific.”

 

“The sheets.”

 

Imasu swallowed thickly and nodded. “Do you have evidence of this?”

 

Magnus nodded, and looked over to Raj, who then looked over to the man controlling the pictured, who then clicked on the photo of the bloody and semen soaked sheets.

 

The crowd all had low gasps, and their mouths open wide in shock. Magnus closed his eyes, taking deep breaths.

 

Imasu had a tight smile on his face, as he then walked over to his folder to check through his notes. While he did so, he took the time to control his breathing and looked over at Raj, who gave a supportive smile.

 

“Why did you report the crime a while after the incident happened?” Imasu asked. “Why did you not just report it the moment after it happened.”

 

“I was in a bad mindset,” Magnus replied. “I- I wasn’t going to, but when Alec, Isabelle, and the rest of my best friends found out, they were furious, and they convinced me to do this.”

 

“Why wasn’t you going to before your friends convinced you?”

 

“Because, as Jonathan said,” He moved his eyes to Jonathan’s. “” _Neither of you have any proof. Plus, they’re brainwashed by my father, so I couldn’t really care what you do._ ””

 

The courtroom went silent, and Magnus tore his eyes away from the boy before he began to remind himself what had happened that night.

 

“Did you say no?”

 

“What?” Magnus questioned, shocked.

 

“Did you tell Jonathan no when he was raping you?”

 

_“Get off me Jonathan.”_

 

_“Get off me! Get off!”_

 

Magnus swallowed thickly, tears filling his eyes. “No,” he whispered.

 

“Did you tell him to stop?”

 

_If you don’t shut up, your precious Alexander will be next._

 

“No,” he said, voice cracking, and tear rolling down his face.

 

Imasu had a small smirk on his face. “No further questions asked-“

 

“I was in no position to do so!” Magnus yelled, tears falling down his face. “I told him to get off of me. I told him repeatedly, before he threatened that if I didn’t shut up then he’d rape Alec!” He sobbed. “What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t move! I couldn’t speak! I was trapped and I-“

 

“No further questions asked, your honour.”

 

The judge slammed down his hammer, dismissing the questioning from happening further. “You will all be called back in 30 minutes when the Judges have made their decisions.”

 

Magnus stood up from his seat, walking away from the stand with tear filled eyes, and slammed open the doors to get out. The noise made a racket, catching everyone’s attention from inside and outside the court.

 

“Magnus!” He heard from behind him. “Magnus, slow down. Slow down- please!” They grabbed his forearm.

 

He ripped it out of their grip and turned around. “What!” He yelled, voice cracking every other second as the tears poured out of his eyes and his lungs desperate for air.

 

When his eyes became clear, he saw Alec, shocked, scared, worried, before he felt those warm arms of his envelope him in a hug. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered, putting his face in his neck. “I’m sorry.”

  


**“I’d still thought that everything I thought about that night- the shame, the fear- would fade in time. But that hadn’t happened. Instead, the things that I remembered, these little details, seemed to grow stronger, to the point that I could feel their weight in my chest. Nothing, however stuck with me more than the memory of stepping into that dark room, and what I found there, and how the light then took that nightmare and made it real.”**

 

 

  * ****Sarah Dessen****



 

 

It had been well over 30 minutes, possibly even an hour, after they had departed from the court. Magnus had calmed down, ate and drank something, and spoke over things with Raj.

 

“I am incredibly proud of you for today,” Raj said. Magnus gave him a sad smile.

 

“Why?” He asked, shrugging his shoulders. “I didn’t do anything. I just made me look even more of a liar then they already think.”

 

Raj smiled. “Well, they aren’t the smartest of Judges are they?”

 

Magnus and Alec smiled, but before either could respond, the tanoid went off asking for everybody back in the courtroom.

 

Immediately after hearing that, Magnus’ heart plummeted to the bottom of his stomach as his nervousness took over the best of him. Alec grabbed Magnus’ face, moving it gently so he was looking at him.

 

“Whatever happens in there today, Magnus, I just want you to know that I will _always_ believe you, and I will stick by your side no matter what happens, okay?”

 

Magnus nodded, before the pair stood up and walked into the courtroom. They all took their seats, and waited for the room to be quiet.

 

“The court has made a decision.”

 

Everybody in the courtroom stood up, Magnus being the first from shooting up from his seat with a heavy, quick heart. Alec stood up slowly next to him, his hand on his back.

 

“The decision is-“

 

There was a pause.

 

And as Magnus listened, a tear rolled down his cheeks.

  


**“Now, should we treat women as independent agents, responsible for themselves? Of course. But being responsible has nothing to do with being raped. Women don’t get raped because they were drinking or taking drugs. Women do not get raped because they weren’t careful enough. Women get raped because** **_someone raped them._ ** **”**

 

 

  * ****Jessica Valenti****



 

 

“Magnus…” Alec began.

 

“Don’t,” Magnus interrupted with his hand up in the air. “It’s not use saying that it’s going to get better, because it isn’t. He’s won, and that’s that.”

 

Alec sighed. “You don’t know that, Magnus. You still have a chance- a strong one, at that,” Alexander sat down in front of Magnus, his hands placed gently on his legs. “Trust me when I say we’ll win this, alright? Just because they said they need more time doesn’t mean they’re going to win.”

 

He shook his head, tears threatening to fall. “But what if I don’t, Alec? My life will be ruined, and I’d lose my home, my friends, my education, _you._ I can’t lose you, Alec, I can’t-“

 

“Magnus, stop,!” Alec said. “None of that will happen, do you hear me?” Magnus looked up, disbelief clear on his facial features. “You have all the evidence in the world- the sheets, the recordings, Maia… They’d be a fool to not believe you.”

 

He took in a shaky breath. “And they’re fools.”

 

Alec shook his head while grabbing Magnus’ hands. “Let's go, ok? I know you haven’t got food in your fridge, and I can’t let you starve-“

 

“Alexander, don’t worry. It’s no problem, and I don’t have any money-“

 

He pulls out his credit card and smiles. “Come on, let's go.”

 

“I don’t want you paying for me Alec-“

 

“Magnus,” Alec interrupted. “Either you’re going and picking out what you want and bringing it home, or I’ll do it.”

 

And that was enough to convince him to go.

  
  


**“”I forgive you” I said. I said what I had to. I would die by pieces to save myself from real death.”**

 

 

  * ****Alice Sebold****



 

  


When Magnus stepped a foot into his house, the scent of booze came rushing to his senses, strong enough for him to get tipsy just by smelling it if he was someone who couldn’t control his alcohol. He put his arm up to his nose and walked further in, slamming the door shut to make his presence known.

 

The sound the door had made when it closed shut made his Father aware of his presence. Asmodeus got up from his seat, using the wall as support, and looked at his son with glazed eyes. “Magnus..”

 

Magnus put the grocery bag down on the floor and looked around the place, seeing traces of blood, smashed pieces of glass, and empty beer bottles scattered all along the bottom floor of the house. He could only imagine what the top floor looks like.

 

“What happened in here?” Magnus asked, removing his arm to make his voice more clear. Asmodeus stayed silent and watched Magnus’ every move as he went to pick up the bottles on the floor.

 

“Where were you?” Asmodeus asked. Magnus threw the group of bottles in the bin, making a horrible glass clashing sound. He ignored his father's question. “I asked, _where were you_?” He said, stepping closer and closer.

 

He breathed in deeply. “I was with Alec,” Magnus replied. “Getting groceries as, you know, I can’t live off booze like you. I’m not an alcoholic.”

 

Asmodeus let out a deep chuckle and turned around, walking to the dinner table. “Alec, that faggot with the tattoos?”

 

“Watch what you say about him, _Asmodeus_ ,” Magnus spat out. Asmodeus stopped in his tracks, being dead silent for a moment or two.

 

“That’s _father_ to you.”

 

Now it was Magnus’ time to laugh. “You expect me to call you Father? After everything you’ve done to me, after everything you’ve said about me, about Alec?”

 

Asmodeus turned around in his tracks slowly, raising his eyebrows at Magnus as if to try and figure out his point. Magnus scoffed in disbelief, picking up the other beer bottles and chucking them in the bin. “You’ll _never_ been a father to me.”

“I am your father, Magnus Bane!” Asmodeus yelled with pure rage. “The way you’re speaking to me right now is a disgrace - your mother would be disgusted in you!”

 

“Disgusted in me?” Magnus yelled back with the anger running through his veins and spreading everywhere he didn’t want it to be. “She would be _proud_ . Ever since you got here, you’ve been nothing but a cruel bastard! Hitting me every other day, calling me names, and using my mother’s death as an excuse for the way you drink and act is not how a father should be - not how _my mother_ would’ve wanted-“

 

Asmodeus stepped up close to him, and the anger in his eyes were enough to show Magnus that he should be afraid. How he should watch what he’s saying, and to stop the convocation right here and now. But Magnus? He had gone through so much fighting with Jonathan’s case that he had given up the feeling of being afraid. He was going to stand up to what he knew was right, even if it was the death of him. And his father, Asmodeus, was no longer a threat to Magnus. Magnus knew that no matter what, if he died by the hand of his father or not, that at least he was fighting for something he needed to fight for.

 

“You do not speak about your mother to me! You hear me, boy?” He yelled. “You never even knew her as well as I did.”

 

Magnus chuckled, a face full of disgust clear on his face. “What would you know about her? I’ve known her for 17 years of my life, and you? You abandoned her when she was pregnant, and struggling-“

 

“And abandoning her was the best decision of my life!” Asmodeus yelled, the room going silent. Magnus stared at him wide eyed. He turned away, walking over to the kitchen and leaning against the sink. “At least I didn’t have to put up with a pathetic excuse of a son.”

 

Magnus swallowed thickly, the words that he wanted to say on the brink of coming out. “Thank god I wasn’t actually yours then, right?” Magnus said. The room was silent for moments, until Magnus whispered, “I think even the rapist would’ve been a better father to me than you have ever been.”

 

Asmodeus turned around as a single tear rolled down Magnus’ face. As Magnus was about to walk up the stairs, Asmodeus said something that made him stop in his tracks;

 

“What, now that the faggot _Alexander_ ,” Asmodeus mocked, “has came into your life you think you can talk to me that way and get away with it?” The words practically came out as a growl, and a threat. “You really think that boy loves you?”

 

“I do, actually,” Magnus replied. “And I love him.”

 

His father laughed deeply, until tears were coming out of the corner of his eyes. “You’re not in love, Magnus, and he doesn’t love you,” He said it so casually that it almost felt real. _Almost._ “The only person who will ever love you, is me.”

 

“Your pathetic attempt to manipulate me isn’t going to work,” Magnus snapped. “You don’t love me. You never have, and you never will. At least one of us here is capable of love.”

 

Asmodeus chuckled. “You’ve never known love,” his facial features turned cold. “Except how to rip it apart.”

 

“I do know love,” Magnus replied back smoothly. “I may not be feeling it right now, but I have. And I will, with Alec.”

 

“You sound so confident in this worthless relationship, Magnus. It makes me sick at how you can give yourself so willingly to a person, when the only type of love you’ve experienced is perverse, warped, and deviant.”

 

“Even if it was,” Magnus paused, his eyes locking with Asmodeus’. “It was mine,” he whispered.

 

When Magnus made a beeline for the stairs, Asmodeus called; “You’re going to regret this in your future, Magnus. The boy will break you heart, and when he does,” he paused. “I won’t be here to pick you back up.”

 

Magnus swallowed thickly, turning his face side on to glare his father right in the eye. “You think you know everything about my life. About my love life, my future, Alec. _You don’t,_ ” Magnus snapped. “So how about you stop thinking you know everything because you’re jealous of the love that I have and you didn’t.”

 

Asmodeus then stayed silent, and Magnus gave him his last glare before departing upstairs to his bedroom.

 

The second he got to his bedroom, he heard the smashing of the left over glasses, and the screams of anger that came from my father. Magnus walked across the landing, taking a peek into his father's room and feeling as the tears gushed out of his eyes.

 

On his bed, there were 3 women. All naked, tied up to the bed posts, with seman and blood spreaded around the bedsheets.

 

He took out his phone from his back pocket and snapped a picture as a tear rolled down his wet cheeks, before putting it away and picking up the blanket that was on the floor carelessly. He placed it over the women, and untied the ropes.

 

How his father done this on the daily made him sick. He couldn’t deal with this anything. Everything… Asmodeus has to stop. And he has to stop _now._ And the only person who can do that… is Magnus.

 

He departed into his room, and walked over to his shattered mirror. He took off his shirt, glancing at the whip marks and bruises on his back from what his father had made, and took a deep breath.

 

He grabbed his phone from his back pocket again and dialled an unfamiliar, but safe number.

  


His finger held over the button, heart thumping so hard in his chest that he heard it in his ears, before tapping it with a shaky thumb and holding his phone up to his ear.

 

“911, what’s your emergency?”

 

Magnus took a shaky deep breath. “I need help.”

 

**“I draw a line down the middle of a sketchboard, sketching a male symbol on one side and a female symbol on the other. Then I just ask the men: what steps do guys take on a daily basis, to prevent yourselves from being sexually assaulted? At first there is a kind of awkward silence as the men try to figure out if they’ve been asked a trick question. The silence gives way to a smattering of nervous laughter. Occasionally, a young guy will raise their hand and say, ‘I stay out of prison.’ This is typically followed by another moment of laughter, before someone finally raises their hand and soberly states ‘Nothing. I don’t think about it.’ Then I ask women the same question. What steps do you take on a daily basis to prevent yourselves of being sexually assaulted? Women throughout the audience immediately start raising their hands. As the men sit in stunned silence, the women recount safety precautions they take as a part of their daily routine. Here are some of their answers: Hold my keys as a potential weapon. Look in back seat of car before getting in. Carry a cellphone. Don’t go out jogging at night. Lock all windows when I sleep, even on a hot summers night. Be careful not to drink too much. Don’t put my drink down and come back to it; make sure I see it being poured. Own a big dog. Carry Mace or Pepper spray. Have an unlisted phone number. Have a man's voice on my answering machine. Park in well- lit areas. Don’t use parking garages. Don’t get on elevators with only one man, or a group of men. Vary my route home from work. Watch what I wear. Don’t use highway rest areas. Use a home alarm system. Don’t wear headphones when jogging. Avoid forests or wooded areas, even in the daytime. Don’t take a first-floor apartment. Go out in groups. Own a firearm. Meet men on first dates in public places. Make sure to have a car or cab fare. Don’t make eye contact with men on the street. Make assertive eye contact with men on the street.”**

 

 

  * ****Jackson Katz****



 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I’m back from the dead!  
> I hope you’re all doing well, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter of Magnus’ story.  
> Let me know what you thought about it in the comments :)  
> (. Please don’t hate on Iz :( ) 
> 
> Thank you! I love you all.


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